The sunlight streaming in the window catches her off guard. Her pupils struggle to adjust. She rubs the matter from her eyes, and glances at her alarm clock. It's already seven o'clock, and her head is splitting from tying on one too many from the night before. She tries to move, and finds an arm draped around her. She rolls onto her side, and finds a familiar mug drooling on her pillow. The alarm bells start going off.
After a few seconds she recalls that her son is not home. Her heart rate slows a smidge, as she tries to free herself from beneath the dead weight. She eventually manages to wriggle away, and slink off to the shower. Sometime later all of the steam in the bathroom has nearly dissipated. She is fully clothed, gun clad, and waiting out the guest in her bed. Knuckles wrap against the wooden door.
"I can just leave if you don't want to face the music," He offers.
She sighs, and reluctantly exits the bathroom. "What the hell, Rafa?"
"You said my name, but I'm not convince you're actually talking to me."
"The question remains the same. What the hell?"
"You're angry at me?"
"I didn't say that. I am a grown woman, and I am accountable for my own actions."
"You look as if you could crawl out of your skin."
"When I was younger I didn't have the same standards I do for myself now. There has always been a professional line between us."
"I rolled it up, and stuffed it in a drawer," he motions, "I can take it out, and smooth it back out, no problem."
"This isn't a joke."
"Olivia if you regret this just say so, and move on."
"I didn't say that," she argues.
"Your non-verbal communication is screaming something very different at me right now."
"You blow back into town, and it's all wrong. It's not you. It's some cowboy version of you that…"
He tosses a devilish grin in her direction, "You found irresistible. I can accept that, can you?"
"I feel like I need to apologize."
He furrows his brow, "For what? We are both adults. It was a mutual decision."
"It seems like alcohol made the decision, which is perplexing because I've never known you to drink Jameson."
He shrugs, "There are a lot of things you don't know about me. You are just angry because this version of me is more appealing to you."
She chucks a pillow at his head.
"Sorry, but you know the truth when it stares you in the face."
"You should go before Noah gets home," she insists.
"Understood. I'll leave just in time to go back to whatever corner of the world I crawled out of."
The following evening the squad room is looking like a ghost town. The venerable Captain sits behind the safety of her heavy wooden desk. The arm of her glasses rests between her pearly whites. She's so wrapped up in her own train of thought that it barely registers when her coworker enters the office, and gently secures the hatch. As he takes a seat across the desk from her he clears his throat. Her weary eyes shift from the DD-5 lying open on the surface of her desk. Fin looks at her expectantly.
"I thought you went home hours ago. Everyone else did," she admits placing her glasses on the desk.
"If I left hours ago how when would I have the chance to interrogate you?"
"About what?" She purses her lips.
"Barba breezed in and out of here like a fart in a windstorm. That has to fuck with your mind a little bit."
"Fin he's got bigger fish to fry. It's nothing personal."
His eyebrow cocks, and he oozes frustration in her direction. "It is personal. How many times are you going to let a decent guy walk out that damn door?! How many times are we going to ride this merry-go-round? Either they aren't good enough for you, or you convince yourself that you aren't good enough for them. Perhaps you should take your distorted thought pattern, and lock it in a cell far away."
"I appreciate your concern, but the fact of the matter is that I am married to this job. When I'm not married to this job I am at home with my son. That is my life. It is the life that I have chosen."
"Let's face facts, you do not have to be content with what you have, because it's what you've got. You can have more. You are a prize and you deserve whatever you want."
Olivia rubs her temples, "I don't think I'm really up for this pep talk, Fin."
"You never want to hear it. I am tired of watching you run from a life you don't think you deserve. Its bullshit, and you know it."
"The other players are irrelevant at this point. I can't make a relationship work because of all of my baggage. That is the bottom line."
He folds his arms across his chest, and leans forward in his seat. "So that means it is okay to not even try?"
"You have no idea what you're talking about."
"When was the last time you did something that you regret?"
She shrugs, "Does it matter?" Her cheeks begin to sting.
He scrutinizes her non-verbals, "Shit! Did I just strike a chord?"
She offers a heavy sigh, "What the hell am I doing here?"
"In this office? I ask myself that every day. You are too good for us."
"With my life, Fin. You are right."
He taps the face of his watch with his finger.
"What are you doing? Checking the time for your hot date?"
"I'm just putting this date on my calendar," his dimples pop out without a moment's notice.
"I did something stupid."
"Stupid like forgot to mirandize someone? Or, stupid like murdered someone?"
"Neither. If I tell you something in confidence…"
He cuts her off, "Have I ever had anything other than your interest at heart? Have you ever known me to watch anything than your six?"
"No."
"I'm listening."
"I have let myself go too far. I woke up this morning, and…"
"Did the walk of shame?" He jokes.
"My favorite flaw is when I self-sabotage."
"It is one of your special skills," he agrees.
"I slept with Barba."
"It's about time."
She groans, "And that was it. I kicked him out before Noah got home. The worst part of it is that I got so plastered to try to numb my feelings that I don't remember any of it. It's been harder and harder for me to ignore lately."
"Your feelings?"
"My drinking. One is never enough. You know the history, do I need to say more?"
Fin taps on her desk, "The face of this place has changed a lot since I first rolled in here. My memory is still mostly intact, and I seem to recall another head who wore the crown who had to face the same facts. You are never going to move into the future until you slam the door closed on the skeletons you face down every day."
"I feel horrible as a human being. Fin, Rafael opened the door and I just slammed it on his face like it was nothing. All I could think as I was shooing him out the door was the mess of bottles I needed to dispose of before my son got home. What kind of mother does that make me?"
"A human one. Take some time off, and handle your shit. Even wonder woman needs a day off from time to time."