Note: This first chapter I considered publishing as a one shot, however it foreshadows the events of this new story perfectly so instead this could be treated as a sort of extended prologue if you like.
January 1918...
Izzie plonked the large pile of bed linen down on a table at the end of the ward and contemplated flopping herself down on one of the empty beds. Her feet were killing her and she was sure she was developing a blister. She had been warned that volunteering as a nurse would be hard work but she had underestimated exactly how draining it was. Seeing the trauma of war all around her, the horrific injuries unimaginable to the human mind until confronted with them head on, had pushed her to the limit on many occasions. Any tears though had to be kept private, she had to maintain an image of grace and professionalism. It was her job now, especially since her dear friend was a patient here now too.
She was about to sit down on the edge of the bed, just for a few minutes so her feet felt normal once more, but the temptation was halted by the door at the end of the ward bursting open slamming unceremoniously against the wall. She did not have to turn around to see who it was, he always arrived like this. He liked to assert his authority over everyone, strutting around like he owned the place. Izzie was pretty convinced that Major Hall thought he was in charge here. He was a cold looking man with grey hair and a neatly trimmed moustache. He marched in, offered her nothing more than a curt nod, and started talking to her as he walked past. Major Hall had no respect for anyone below him in rank, and definitely not for women. The words 'What do you want now Major?' were poised on her lips but she held them back, antagonising him would not be the smartest move, and besides, she was better than that.
"Private Ellis's notes if you will Nurse—?"
"Thornwood. Nurse Thornwood, Major." Izzie rolled her eyes at his back. Behind her lying propped up in bed, Private Higgins, a mischievous character who would not be moving anywhere for months on the account of having shrapnel removed from his legs, stifled a giggle. Izzie detached the clipboard from the end of her friend Richard's bed, who was finally sleeping.
Major Hall grunted as she handed her the notes and stepped back a few paces while he flicked through them, grunting some more. Izzie wondered if the man actually had a vocabulary that involved actual words. "That will be all Nurse." Izzie pretended to busy herself at the other end of the ward, keeping a wary eye on the Major. After only a few minutes, he beckoned her over once more. "All seems to be in order here. You will see to it that Private Ellis is dressed and ready tomorrow afternoon."
Izzie's heart stammered with dread. "Why? What do you mean Major he's not fit to be discharged!"
"His injuries have improved sufficiently, Nurse, and there is absolutely no reason why he should remain here when he could be put to better use elsewhere."
Izzie put her hands on her hips. "No. No, absolutely not! He may look improved Major but he is far from able, I will not have him sent back to the trenches to die pointlessly."
"He will be continuing to serve his King and country Nurse, and you will do well to remember that you are in no position of authority to question my judgement," Major Hall's tone edged on the impatient and Izzie knew that she shouldn't push him further, but this was important, she knew what happened to those sent back too early. She would never see him again.
"He has terrible nightmares Major, hallucinations that would make him unfit for most things let alone warfare."
Major Hall did not budge. "A weak mind is nothing to stop him from being useful. He's obviously a bit of a soft one isn't he? Seeing action once more would toughen him up I reckon. It would do him good."
All of Izzie's self restraint snapped. "Do him good! Are you delusional or just plain cruel?" It was a weakness of her's, she was not good at taking orders. It was why Richard had laughed when he first saw her in her uniform next to his bed. She braced herself for the full force of the Major's authority but all she recieved was an evil thin smile.
"Formed a bit of an attachment to Private Ellis haven't you? Only natural I suppose, the weaker sex can be fickle at times."
Izzie gawped at him, and drew another breath with the intention of giving him a piece of her mind. However she never got the chance as the commotion they caused had been noticed and the door opened again, quieter this time with Dr. Jack Firth entering. "Is there something the matter Nurse Thornwood?" Izzie liked Dr Firth. He was one of the youngest fully qualified doctors in the hospital, perhaps aged thirty, and was much more understanding than a man like Major Hall who enjoyed this war far too much for her liking. He gave her what Izzie reckoned was a sympathetic smile as he faced the Major, smoothing a wisp of his deep chestnut brown hair away from his ear. "Major Hall. Nobody told me that you were here?"
"Hmm. Indeed not Doctor. But I don't need to explain my presence and you're Nurse should be reminded promptly about the correct ways of addressing those superior to her. That is the trouble with recruiting any odd woman off the streets, most can't take orders or accept that they are uneducated and ill informed about matters of war."
Izzie reckoned Major Hall spoke with the assumption that Dr Firth would agree with him. Izzie took it as a small victory that she knew he would not. "I see to it that any volunteers are trained sufficiently and prepared for the work they must do Major. But what is your business here?"
"I'm here to see to it that those men who are fit for service once more are to be dismissed and returned to the front. Nurse Thornwood seems to disagree with my judgement that Private Ellis is fit for duty once more."
"May I?" Dr Firth gestured to the notes the Major gripped in his hand who grunted as he handed them over. Dr Firth flicked through the pages, a frown of concentration on his brow. Izzie held her breath. "I'm afraid Major, that Private Ellis is in no state to be leaving this hospital for a while yet. I concur with Nurse Thornwood Major. Yes his physical injuries have healed to my satisfaction but there are underlying issues we need to keep under observation and treatment for a while longer. He has...injuries of the mind Major, and the mind is one organ that needs special care."
Major Hall huffed, "You mean he's cowardly Doctor. He will leave tomorrow or I will take this matter further."
"He will not Major. You may have authority over in the army, but this is my ward and Private Ellis is a patient under my care. He will not be leaving for anywhere until I say so. In this hospital I have the final say on medical matters and make no mistake, this is a medical matter Major. Do I make myself clear?" Major Hall did not shift from his determined glare he exchanged with Dr Firth, each holding their ground for what felt like ages, until Major Hall grimmiced knowing he was beaten. Dr Firth folded his arms across his chest.
"I could take this to the hospital board Dr Firth. I could make things very difficult for you," he warned.
"You could indeed. But you won't, you know they will side with one of their own over the likes of you. Shall I see you out, Major?"
Major Hall shrivelled his nose as though he had smelt something distasteful and, without another word, turned on his heel and marched right out of the ward again. Izzie breathed a sigh of relief, an audible one considering the look Dr Firth gave her. "You should be careful Nurse Thornwood. Men like that don't take kindly to being given orders, especially from a woman. He could have had you dismissed."
"Will you dismiss me Doctor?"
Dr Firth shook his head. "No. Not when I agree with you. Those self entitled men come here like foxes cornering rabbits. You did well, Nurse."
Izzie glanced in Richard's direction, who had woken as a result of the commotion and was blinking at them both sleepily from his pillow. "Will he be alright though? It's been weeks now," she asked, keeping her voice hushed.
"Eventually. There are many treatments, but I believe the most effective is a new approach which involves encouraging patients to talk about their fears, to face them instead of repressing them. It's a gradual process, but I've read studies on it and I believe it is the most humane way forward, as well as the most effective."
"Just talking?" It sounded too simple to her.
"Indeed. If he can face his demons as such then he can defeat them."
"What was that all about Izzie?" A sleepy voice belonging to Richard Ellis asked her from his bed.
"Nothing for you to worry about, and I told you a dozen times, you can't call me Izzie here, Private Ellis." Izzie stepped closer to his bed, Dr Firth behind her.
"Never called you anything else, it's a hard habit to kick, and anyway I can't get used to you being a nurse. You've not good at taking orders," Richard teased her. Izzie just smiled and took joy out of the fact that her friend since childhood, her sort of brother, was smiling and joking with her. This was one of his better days it seemed. These days it seemed he had both. She took as much joy out of the good days as she did with despair from the bad.
"I see you've slept well, Private Ellis," Dr Firth said.
"I did thank you, but Major what's-his-name woke me. What was that all about?" Richard asked again.
"Nothing you need to worry about, he won't be a problem again. But Nurse Thornwood and I were discussing how to best treat you and the trauma in your mind and I would like, with your permission, to try a new type of treatment."
Richard's smile fell, he fidgeted with the sheets on his chest. "I've heard what they try to fix broken minds and I'm not best keen Doctor."
"You're not broken and it's nothing like what you're thinking Private Ellis, it's just talking. Getting you to open up about what fears you have, the things you see and experience. It's been proven that making these subconscious thoughts conscious can help. In other words, facing your fears to defeat them." Dr Firth's tone was reassuring and Izzie only wished more of the Doctors and medical professionals remembered their duty of care to their patients. Even in her short time volunteering, she got the impression many had forgotten their oath.
"And just talking works?"
"It is not a quick fix, I'll admit that, but it's an effective one from what I have read. So I would like to try this a few times a week if I may?"
"You want me to talk to you?"
"That's it, yes. I'd like that very much." There was something in Dr Firth's tone, a tenderness Izzie noticed. Richard smiled at him, the smile she knew the meaning of all too well. It didn't take much to work that out, afterall even she'd admit that Dr Jack Firth was handsome and Richard must have noticed. But what was interesting was the professional boundary between doctor and patient being dented, just ever so slightly right in front of her, when Dr Firth smiled back before looking away in a flash. Maybe it was nothing but only time would tell, she thought.
…
January 1919
Izzie and Lucy burst through the door of her newly acquired house in Notting Hill late on a Friday evening. They had been out for a few drinks with a few of Lucy's friends and colleagues who worked at Selfridges, and had called it a night not long before midnight. Their taxi had dropped them down the end of the street, and the couple of minutes walk avoiding patches of black ice on the pavement took longer than it normally would on the account of her impatience to get out of the cold. Lucy was still laughing at a joke they had shared in the taxi as they removed their coats and gloves, Izzie rubbing some warmth into her hands as she kicked off her heels into a unceremonious pile next to the door. She would tidy it all away later, now all she wanted was something warm to drink. "Fancy staying for a bit?" she asked Lucy.
"I'd like that. Freezing out there," Lucy Fisher agreed, following Izzie into the kitchen. It was rather large for just her and Richard, who had been staying in one of the many spare bedrooms since he was discharged from hospital last year. The war was over finally but it left its mark everywhere she went, as well as on her best friend. Having said that, Richard had improved greatly and whilst still unemployed, he was now finding the strength and the courage to look for work again. He had confessed several nights ago that he felt guilty and a bit pathetic at being supported by her, but she had simply reminded him that they are practically family and he was welcome for as long as he needed a roof over his head.
Izzie filled the kettle and searched for the largest mugs she could find. "Unless you want something stronger, I'm making hot chocolate?" Izzie felt a flutter in her words as she spoke. Lucy smoothed a curl of her gorgeous blond hair away from her ear and Izzie distracted herself by searching rather deliberately in a draw for two teaspoons. With her back to Lucy she pinched her eyes together momentarily in a silent curse to herself. Since when was she nervous? She had met Lucy over a year ago and they had been going out together as a couple for several months, but she still turned her into a nervous wreck.
"That would be perfect thank you. I'm missing that warm smokey club even more now." Lucy perched herself on a stool below a row of cupboards.
"The warmth or the dancing?"
"Oh both! You make quite a partner, but I've told you that before haven't I?"
Izzie gleamed at the compliment, as she pushed aside a pile of papers that outlined her latest writing project, to the side so they didn't get marked by the drinks. "You have." The sound of two men laughing distracted them both.
Lucy looked behind her in the direction of the hall and the lounge beyond. "Jack is still here then?"
"Mmm," Izzie licked the spoon of half melted chocolate powder. "Yeah, he comes by a few times a week."
"Is he still treating Richard then? For his shell shock?"
"No, but they've become friends though and I know Richard finds talking to him helpful. I mean that's what Jack did as his doctor but I've never seen Richard open up like this to anyone, not even me." Izzie opened the cupboard again and reached for another two mugs. "I'll just go and ask them if they want a drink too, though I bet they have one already. Won't be a minute."
Izzie welcomed the warmth of her fluffy slippers as they shielded her feet from the cold stone floor of the kitchen. The hall was dark, and only a faint red glow from the fireplace dispersed the darkness surrounding the slightly open door of the lounge. She pushed open the door, and in her tiredness she forgot to knock. It would have been polite but not usually necessary. However, she found herself in the middle of a moment it seemed, one that she should have seen coming months ago.
Jack Firth and Richard were sitting on the rug near the fireplace, Jack cross legged, and Richard kneeling slightly as they kissed with tender affection, Richard's hand on Jack's chest, and Jack cradling the back of Richard's neck. They were caught by her in a silhouette that she thought would make a lovely romantic photograph, if it were not so dangerous as to capture a moment such as this. She gasped and covered her mouth with her hand as she realised she had been staring. She should have slipped back out but it was too late. Richard jumped as Jack sprung back as though he had been burnt by the flames of a fire, his eyes widening in fear mixed with a desperate pleading for mercy. "I'm sorry. I...I didn't know. I'll leave," she stumbled.
Jack jumped up and snatched his coat from the armchair. "I'll go," his calmness she had so admired whilst working for him at the hospital last year, totally absent and instead replaced by a wild panic in his features. Richard looked dazed and stayed on the floor bewildered as though woken from a wonderful dream. Jack brushed past her mumbling something that may have been an apology, but one look from Richard was all she needed to stop him. She gripped his elbow with a sudden determined move. "I don't want any trouble Miss Thornwood. Please."
"You won't get any from me Jack, and how many times have I told you to call me Izzie? Aren't we friends now?"
"I hope we still are Miss Th—Izzie?"
"I thought you knew I don't mind?"
"Well you seemed shocked at what you saw," Jack retorted.
"Only because I thought you two were just friends. Now if you go then I understand, but please don't stay away because of my carelessness. I should have knocked. Promise me you will come back...for him?" It was her turn to plead now. She did not want to be the one to scare away the reason for Richard's change in mood of late.
Jack exchanged glances between her and Richard, and then at Lucy who had appeared down the hall. He took a deep breath. "I will come back. I apologise for the overreaction Izzie."
"It's an understandable one Jack. Shall I see you out?"
"No thank you. I can manage. Goodnight both of you, goodnight Richard," he said before opening the front door and disappearing into the night.
"I'm so sorry Richard! But I honestly had no idea, I thought he was just a friend. I reckoned he was like you but I didn't know he liked you like this."
Richard stood up and stretched his arms. "I was going to tell you but I had to admit I kept making excuses for not telling you Izzie. I thought you might disapprove."
Izzie laughed. "Really? I think you know I don't."
"I know you don't mind because of that, but it's the fact that he was my doctor and I was his patient last year. It's a bit of a crossed line of the professionalism of his job isn't it?"
Lucy joined Izzie by the door. "You mean you're worried we might think he was abusing his position of trust?"
"Yeah something like that."
"Well if you were still his patient then maybe, but you were discharged months ago from his care. You're just two blokes now, like any other. As long as he doesn't take advantage?" Izzie asked.
Richard stepped forward. "No! No, never. We just, oh I don't know, click. If that makes sense."
"It does. I know how that feels," she said as she squeezed Lucy's hand.
"Perhaps we could all go out one evening? The four of us?" Lucy suggested. "We could get to know him more then?"
Richard nodded in thought. "I'll ask him. But you know there is one other thing. Jack has a friend, someone who works at Buckingham Palace and he told him that they are looking for footmen. Well I have experience and Jack says he's recommended me. I have an interview next Monday."
"Oh Richard, that's wonderful!" Izzie exclaimed, pulling him into a friendly hug. "Are you ready though?"
Richard nodded with confidence. "I am. I told Jack I want to start living again, I think this is the best way to start."
...
Six months later
"Richard?" Izzie called out, her hand still on the open front door as she stepped into a dark house. She had been out late and had found, to her horror, that her front door was unlocked before she even tried her key. Only Richard and Lucy have a key and she'd just been out with Lucy which left only two options; that Richard was here or...she'd rather not think about the other option. She shut the door inch by inch, letting it click shut as she hoped she'd find Richard here. Her heart thudded in her head, her limbs weak but tight with fear as she picked up an umbrella from the stand near the door, clasping her fingers tightly around it as she crept forward, her heels giving her away on the wooden floor. A sound from the stairs made her jump and freeze. She listened, straining to hear more. She couldn't make it out at first, an almost inhuman moan, a pitiful whine like an injured animal. "Richard?"
The answer came as a sob and the crumpling of paper, a similar sound that one makes if opening an envelope. "Izzie?" Richard's voice was almost unrecognisable as the voice of an adult and as Izzie dropped the umbrella with a clatter as it hit the floor, she knew something was badly wrong. She rushed forward down the hallway and took the first set of stairs two at a time, finding Richard sitting halfway up the second flight of stairs below the landing.
She flicked on the flight, a soft glow illuminated them, tinged with red from the colour of the carpet. "Richard? What happened?" Richard held a thin piece of letter paper in his hand, crumpled and creased as though he'd been clinging onto it. His face was stained with tears which he now desperately tried in vain to hide, wiping his sleeve over his cheeks as he sniffed.
"I-I didn't know where else to go. I...needed to...I needed to see you. Not sure what—no, who else to go to. Found myself here after wandering around."
"Does someone know? At the palace? Are you in danger?" Izzie's questions reeled off her like goods on a production line but she ceased herself from asking more, as Richard shook his head with the slightest of movements as though he didn't have the energy for more.
"No. Not that. But I got this earlier today. I—" He sniffed again and Izzie pulled out her handkerchief. "Sorry. I didn't open it until earlier. Izzie, he's...he's gone."
Richard pushed the letter into her hands as she sat down on the step below him. She scanned it, skipping over words with impatience before reading it again making sure she was dreadfully sure at what news the letter brang. "Oh God," she found herself saying as though she had no control over her own words. "Oh Richard, I'm sorry." It was all her whispered voice could manage, but what words would be of any use now?
"He saw me last week. Jack said he had been feeling a bit under the weather, but he'd been working hard. The hospitals are busy now, full of patients with Spanish flu and I just thought that he needed a break that's all. But he was around those infected and I think that's how h-he c-caught it. His sister sent me this, otherwise how would I have known? They couldn't save him. Izzie, what am I going to do?" Richard's eyes were full of sorrow and pleading with her to give him the answers he needed. "I need him. I can't do this without him." Richard's lip trembled as he tried to hold back his cries, but the dam burst before he could do anything to control it. Izzie pulled him in close, as he heaved wretched sobs onto her shoulder, shaking with grief. They stayed like this for an unknown amount of time, but long enough for Izzie's feet to lose their feeling folded underneath her legs. Richard's tears fell until no more came. He pulled himself back from her, his eyes focused still on the paper in Izzie's hand still, now crumpled further and dotted with tear drops, although he looked straight through the paper, his eyes unseeing, unwilling to function. "I loved him. I never told him but I did."
"He knew Richard. I saw it every time he looked at you. He knew." She clasped his hands in her own.
"I'll be alone."
"No. You're never alone Richard. You have your parents, and you'll always have me, people who cherish you." Izzie turned away from him in an attempt to stabilise the wobble in her tone, to remove the lump forming in her throat. "And in time, you will find someone else. I know that isn't what you want to hear right now but you will."
"Really? I don't know if I can, or if I want to. I only knew how because of him. He gave me my life back, and now...now that he's gone...how can I carry on living?"
"Because he showed you how."
"But what if I forget?"
Izzie knew what Richard was getting at. He was worried that he'd slip back into the same state he was in back in hospital, that his daydreams and nightmares would return and he'd become a shadow of himself once more. Izzie feared that too. "Here's what you will do Richard. You will stay with me tonight, and return to the palace tomorrow morning. We will talk tonight, you will tell me everything you want to share and then you will go on living. Cherish his memory by doing that. But if you ever need to talk more, like you did with him, you must promise to let me in."
"I can't burden you Izzie."
"But it can be a two way deal Richard. I have things I need to talk about sometimes too and you're my best friend. And then..."
"Yes?" Richard prompted.
"Well somewhere down the line, maybe as a result of the decisions you made, the actions you took, or who knows maybe even as a result of Jack getting you your footman job, maybe you'll bump into someone when you least expect it who will knock you off your feet so much you won't know what's up or what's down!"
Richard rewarded her with a tentative smile. "You have a lot more hope than me Izzie. Jack was the first person I loved that way. It might be a while until..."
"There's no rush. Often the best things come around without us even looking for them. Take me and Lucy for instance, if she hadn't been late for her interview, and if I hadn't decided to take my time in getting home one morning then we would never have met." Izzie stretched her legs as she stood up, the feeling slowly returning to them once more. She held out her hand. "Come on." Richard looked at her hand undecided. "I've got you Richard."
Richard took her hand.
Note: If you go back to my first story, Unfinished Kisses, Richard mentions Jack's name once. He is never talked of again until now. I didn't intend for it to be this way at the time I wrote that first story, but I didn't want to leave him as nothing more than a single name.
'Shell shock' as it was known at the time was mostly treated with inhumane treatments such as electric shocks and anaesthetics (chloroform). Patients were made to feel bad about their so-called 'cowardice'. Most doctors encouraged patients to repress their memories of the war. However the English psychiatrist W.H. Rivers treated his patients with a new, more humane, therapy that involved encouraging his patients to talk about their experiences and memories in order to confront their fears instead of repressing them. This was known as 'talk therapy'.