Falls Apart
By Saphron
Summery: Kel falls apart.
NOTE: Very DDA-Dark, depressing, angst. Heavy material, hence the R-rating. I advise you now-read with caution, and only if you can handle it.
Dedication: To all cutters.
Thanks: Demosthenes-Linkin Park is wonderful…thank you. One day, maybe, I'll get around to writing a songfic with their lyrics.
And special thanks to everyone who reviewed my tragic little Joren saga…you all have alotta guts y'know that?
~
She falls apart by herself
No one's there to talk or understand
Feels sustained, dries here eyes
Finds herself, opens the door inside
She was falling through the air; the wind rushing through her hair and making it sting about her squeezed-shut eyelids like a whiplash. Her stomach dropping as a sudden gush of pain and fear overwhelmed her and swamped her with panic. She could dimly hear soft music in the background, behind the whistling of air between her ears. Spots of variegated colors swam before her, illuminating the darkness of hysteria. The end was coming-it was moving ever closer, she could feel it-it was-
Only a dream.
She sat up, lungs bursting with each ragged breath. Frightened tears spilled out of the corner of her eyes as she curled around her knees and wept softly. It was only a dream…yet it felt so real! She could recall every moment of fear as she dropped downwards…she remembered vividly the terror that had deluged her…it was just too tangible to be nothing but a Feels dream.
Nothing but a dream…those words echoed in her mind as she laid back down, slowly, hesitantly, almost afraid that once her head touched the pillow sleep would come and carry her away to the land of nightmares. Night had become something of an evil. She dreaded going to sleep…knowing that the dreams would come…falling, always falling. Was it her fear of heights, or something else? What were these dreams…what did they mean?
A dream was an illusion, nothing more. It was only a dream…only a dream…
Her eyelids dropped, and she slept blissfully. In the morning, she remembered nothing.
People see right through you,
Everyone who knew you well,
Falls apart, might as well,
Day is long and nothing is wasted,
Crown chirped merrily as Kel awoke, stretching and yawning. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining brightly, there wasn't a cloud in the sky…everything was perfect. The day had begun.
Kel sighed as she reached for her glaive. As much as she loved being a squire her life could sometimes get kind of monotonous, the same old routine every day. Of course, her ordeal wasn't that far away…and then things would really begin to pick up. She could go ride off on adventures; surround herself in a world of dragon slaying and dreams come true, and not have to worry about the troubles of adolescence. Soon, very soon. She just had to hold on a little longer…
And then of course, there was her Secret. With that, life could never be dull. Literally.
Meanwhile, three doors down:
Neal begrudgingly rolled out of bed with a soft moan; he hated mornings. They just weren't his thing; he wasn't like his friend Kel, where energy supply was no problem. He admired her so much, everything from her fierce determination to love for life. In his eyes she was perfect.
A few minutes later he was knocking on her door, hollering at her to hurry up. She opened her door, and followed him to the mess hall.
Runaway runaway (runaway runaway),
Hold, hold you but your going away,
Runaway runaway (runaway runaway),
(Want) Hold (Want) you tomorrow but your leaving today,
At breakfast everyone chatted lightly, submerged in their own world of perfect bliss. No one would suspect the thoughts running through Kel's head, thoughts like little bolts of lightning, brief but deadly. Striking down all reason. Flashes of anger and pain. Burning up her soul, igniting a malignant passion so lethal the very presence set her entire body aflame.
She was staring down at her wrists, glancing every now and then at the butter knife on the table, and Neal was watching her. She had such a strange look in her eyes, and he didn't know what it was. Normally he could tell what she was thinking, for all her Yamani mask did, but not now. It was weird…she was somewhere he couldn't possibly follow…he shrugged it off. The meal was over; it was time for class.
Classes? Classes that did nothing. They learned etiquette and math and writing, but those weren't the real lessons in life. They wouldn't teach you how to survive in such a cruel world. Would arithmetic save you from depression? Don't think so. Being able to add up all the scars on your wrists didn't make them go away.
But soon…if she could only hold on until her ordeal, she'd get out of this hell. Hold on just a little while longer…just a little longer…
You walk along by yourself,
There's no sound nothing is changing,
Been gone away, left you there,
Emptiness is nothing you can't share,
It suddenly occurred to him. It hit him like a sack of thunder, and he smacked himself mentally, why didn't he see it before? He was such an idiot! It was there, but he paid no attention. He had expected perfection; not realizing that perfection was impossible. Yet his eyes would just glance over it, choosing to avoid the remote possibility. Ignorance was bliss. But-ignorance destroyed. It killed.
He was her friend, he could no longer pretend he didn't see. It was there, the sadness in her eyes. If he stopped for just a moment, a single moment in the amaranthine space of time, he'd see it. Radiating out, cloudy, hollow, gloom, from those soft hazel eyes. Eating her up, swallowing her life force. It was destroying her. She was fading away…falling apart.
Unraveling like a ball of yarn, the threads slowly slipping away. Why? Was it all those insults-all those inane claims that she couldn't do it? Couldn't make it? No…they had helped certainly, words cut deeper than anyone could possible conceive, cut deeper than the blade, but they hadn't been the root of the problem. Then why? Why?
He had to find out, end the ignorance, and he had to stop it. He couldn't let her fall apart.
All those words that hurt you,
More than you would let it show,
Comes apart, by yourself,
All is well and everything is wasted,
"Kel?" Neal knocked softly, not wanting to disturb the eerie silence echoing from her room. Her quiet room, like no one was living there. And indeed--Kel had already been hushed, her voice was gone, her strength, her happiness, her life.
She glanced up worriedly, recognizing that voice. She bit her lip and quickly stashed her razor under the towel. The towel used to catch the blood.
She made no noise, pretending to be asleep, and he sighed and went away. She slowly drew out the blade, turning it over in her hand, glancing at it from every angle. The handle was smooth and crimson in color, from where her blood had dripped down and stained it. The blade was gleaming evilly, ghost shadows dancing on the edge of the silver, black souls daring her to slash away, draw the blood, feel the power, escape, escape, escape!
A new scar was added, as the ghosts whispered…deeper…deeper…end the pain, end it all…deeper…
Runaway runaway (runaway runaway)
(Want) Hold (Want) hold you but your going away
Runaway runaway (runaway runaway)
(Want) Hold (Want) you tomorrow but your leaving today
He came again the next night, and the next, and the next. And always she refused to see him, to speak to him. But he knew avoidance when he saw it, he knew she wasn't asleep, and he was persistent, one day he came armed with a magicked lock pick. He burst in on her during one of her cutting sessions, and the pick fell from his stunned fingers, as if in slow motion it fell, clattering to the ground, making the only conscious noise in this otherwise silent room, coinciding with the drop of the razor.
He stared at her in shock. She stared back at him and cringed. He knew. Her secret, it was revealed. The ignorance was dead. Something she had been hoping for for so long…yet dreaded the death of the bliss. The killer, the ignorance, had become her friend. Her friend…and her enemy. And it was gone now, for better or for worse.
"Kel?" he asked tentatively, having just enough sense to close the door, still in a daze.
She glanced away and said nothing; her voice had already been silenced. Even if she could speak-there was nothing to say. The silence, the shattering of the ignorance, it was deafening enough.
She closed her eyes, the empty eyes clouded with despair, and wept silently. Soft tears rolled down her cheeks and dropped to the ground in a steady flow. They were tears for the death of the nescience, tears for the shame of the taboo cutting, tears for the end of friendship. He'd hate her now, this worthless little girl who was sick enough to draw her own blood.
Sometimes we'll feel around and this dance instead can't be down,
All the sound of me on my own,
Any sound of me again it's time away surround around a friend,
I know where I know where no where to runaway,
But she was wrong, so wrong. He cried, though his eyes stayed open, not wanting to miss a thing, he needed the knowledge, to finish off the incognizance. He enveloped her in a hug so warm she felt like she was melting. His arms wrapped around her and he whispered in her ear how everything was going to be all right…she cried harder, happy that someone understood, and cared…but then…he shushed her. "Shh, Kel, it's going to be all-" She pushed away, he didn't understand.
She had been shushed long enough, from it, from the ignorance. It had silenced her, and everyone else-it was evil. She was sick of being hushed. She wanted to speak, she wanted to scream, she wanted to cry. The lightning returned full-blast…the blood cursed through her veins harder, trickling out the slits on her wrists…and she pulled away.
No one understood, no one. Not even Neal, who was trying so hard…but he couldn't, he just couldn't! How could he understand her pain? How could he understand that the sight of blood appeased her restless soul momentarily, lifting the suffering and leaving behind only the emptiness, to linger and destroy her…making her fade away…
No one could understand…the ignorance was too strong, its voice too loud and mighty; striking down all that tried to help, to understand, and to defeat it by knowing…
She wouldn't let him be destroyed like her. The lightning would jump from her to him; a chain reaction that would kill them both…to get him involved would be his end. He wouldn't be able to handle it. He'd die trying to help her. No. No.
She wiggled out his protective arms, and without him to hold her up, fell apart.
She falls apart, no one there
Hold her hand, it seems to disappear
Falls apart, might as well
Day is long and nothing is wasted
She ran away. That was the big news in the palace for months, no one could stop talking about the fact that Keladry of Mindelan, sole girl squire, had run away. Many had doubted she would make it, and were triumphant at her downfall. But her friends, the ones who always knew she had the strength inside her, were crestfallen. None of them knew anything, they just didn't understand. Only Neal knew, but that was of no use as he was dead. Wrought with despair, thinking that if he had only seen it sooner, realized it sooner, been there for her sooner, she'd still be there. It was his fault, all his fault. He never should have let go.
And Kel? She was gone…she had run away to who knows where…she had fallen apart and run away. Just like that; no note, no last memo, no nothing. Just disappear, fade away.
She had runaway, coward's way out, but her only option. Less painful for those who loved her than suicide, less destructive then going crazy, less tormenting even…running away.
But she had run from one hell to another.
The dreams still haunted her, waking and otherwise, the memories still lingered bitterly, times of sadness and depression, thinking she was empty, already dead inside, the only outlet the slash of the wrists, and the scars still remained. Showing visibly in the pale starlight that hung over her head like demons' eyes-always watching, wanting, waiting to go deeper…
And for the rest of eternity she ran, unraveling as she went, always seeking serenity but finding only more sorrow…even when she died, she was still searching for her happiness, running from the pain and ignorance…running, running…fading, falling…running away, falling apart. Running away, falling apart.
Runaway runaway (runaway runaway)
(Want) Hold (Want) hold you but your going away
Runaway runaway (runaway runaway)
(Want) Hold (Want) you tomorrow but your leaving today
Runaway Runaway
Hold (Want) hold you (Want) but your going away
But your leaving today, but your leaving today.
~
~*Saphron*~
Been meaning to do this songfic for awhile, but could never quite get the words right…this is as close as I'm gonna get.
Disclaimer: Song is Falls Apart by Sugar Ray, and is one of the BEST songs ever written! I've listened to it more times than I've opened up a TP book…it just moves me every time. Kel, Neal, anything else in here is all the property of Tamora Pierce; all I own is some depression and a razor.