The pen in her hand feels so heavy she can barely lift it. She glances up slightly to see Elliot across the table staring down at her hand hovering above the paper. He's probably praying for you to sign it, he will finally be free of the mess you are. She squeezes her eyes shut trying to escape the taunting voice in her head but it pushes her to do it, place the tip of the pen on the paper and sign her name, the last time she will ever sign something 'Olivia Benson-Stabler'.

The air feels thick around her and she wants to run out of there and do something she doesn't normally do, cry. She pushes the papers and the pen across the table to Elliot and he looks cold, emotionless and signs the paper with no hesitation. His eagerness to stop being her grips like a fist around her heart but she counts to ten, telling herself she can make it out of here before she breaks down.

"Well that's that. I'll get this filed but with no further problems you're officially divorced"

Their eyes lock over the large table in between them and though neither will admit it, they both want to ask how exactly they had gotten here.

--

Six months earlier

"You can't go undercover again Elliot. You have a family!"

He scoffs and shakes his head turning around to face her standing in the doorway of their kitchen. He had just told her that Bell had asked him to do another UC gig, it was nothing major, well he didn't think so. Go under as a dirty cop to a guy whose father had been friends with his own father.

Elliot hadn't been under for years. He'd joined the OCCB when he and Olivia had come out as a couple a few months after his divorce. He was happy to leave SVU for her, he had missed the place but he knew she needed to be there more and now she was Captain he couldn't have been prouder of her. But part of him wanted to retire, he was getting old. He had tried talking to her about it and she would tell him she didn't want to talk. Now he had been offered something UC to keep his mind occupied at work and happy with doing something meaningful that wasn't good enough either.

"I am the one who wants to spend more time with my family Liv. you are the one that wont give up the job"

Liv throws her hands up in the air and walks into the kitchen, closing the gap between them.

"I'm too young to retire"

"Well I mean.."

"Are you calling me old?!"

He has to hold back a laugh at the look on his face. She looks like she wants to kill him.

"I just mean we've both been doing this a long time. Why can't we just have some time for ourselves? You're never home anymore Liv, the kids miss you, I miss you."

"You miss us so much that you want to go undercover and risk being killed?"

"You risk being killed every time you go out on the job. Jesus, did Cragen ever go out as much as you? It's like you just can't let the job go!"

"Maybe the job satisfies me more than you"

She didn't know why she'd said that but she had wanted to hurt him and she can tell by the look on his face it had worked. It wasn't true, being with Elliot and their kids was the most satisfying part of her life and she wishes she could do it more but she didn't want to just be a stay at home mum. She wasn't the PTA, cookie making type of mother. She was a cop and she would always be a cop. Maybe one day she would retire but that day wasn't now, or next week or any time soon and she was sick of arguing about it.

"Well I guess I wont try anymore"

"Good"

"Fine"

"And i'm doing the UC job"

"Fine. just don't expect a wife at the end of it"

Elliot scoffs and shakes his head.

"No worries Liv. It sounds like I already don't have one"

She hadn't meant it. Not really. She was just scared, she had just wanted him to see how serious she was about not wanting to lose him. She hadn't realised how deeply her words had cut him though until he walked back down the stairs half hour later with a duffle bag slung over his shoulder. She was still in the kitchen where he had left her. She'd taken a seat at the island and was sipping at a coffee when she looked over her shoulder to see him standing there.

"I'll be off then"

She wants to tell him not to go but her pride won't let her. She had said something stupid but if he was willing to walk out of the door after one silly comment in fifteen years then he clearly didn't want to be here.

"Lock the door behind you"

--

They walk out of the building together in silence. She wishes now she had taken the rest of the day off work because she doesn't think she'll be able to hold herself together. The only thing getting her through is knowing the kids will be at his tonight and she can throw herself a large pity party.

She notices the way they still walk so in sync together like all of those years ago when they were partners, his step coinciding with hers and the way hung back a little to let her walk through a door first. She wonders as her feet hit the pavement outside if this is the last time they'll be walking anywhere together. The kids' graduations and weddings that they attend could see him married to someone else by then. Dating some tall, skinny blonde through his retirement years.

The thought of him with someone else is a gut punch and it's the final attack she can handle right now. She takes out her sunglasses and puts them on her face, trying not to show him the pain she feels inside as she turns to face him because she knows he will only have to look into her eyes to see it.

"I'll collect the kids at six. That good for you?"

"That's fine El..liot"

Suddenly even calling him a nickname sounded wrong. She needed to be more formal with him now that they were divorced. She'd read up on how to co-parent with your ex but she worried sometimes it was too easy to fall back into old habits with him and she needed some boundaries to keep her head above water and accept the fact he had divorced her.

Elliot's eyes drop from her face hearing the cold tone that she speaks to him. She'd never been one to hold back her emotions with him since they'd become a couple. Now it was back to how it had been before they had admitted the truth. She held him at arm's length and he got it, he did, it was a smart move when divorcing someone but the last time he had signed those papers he had wanted a divorce. He knew that his happily ever after lay with the woman in front of him but he'd just signed it away.

"Great. See you later"

He gives her a small smile which she returns before he turns on his heels and walks towards his car. She was parked the same way but decided to call the office first to check in until he had driven off not wanting to have to make any more small talk.

--

It's 5.15 when she gets home. The earliest she'd been in a long time but Fin had practically shoved her out of the door. She'd snapped at everyone, even the man loading the vending machine for being in her way as she tried to make a coffee. Fin had followed her around all day throwing out apologies after everyone she insulted until she had snapped at him and he had sternly told her she needed to take the rest of the day off and that he would call her if it was an emergency.

She glared at him but listened. He was her second in command for a reason and one of her oldest friends and she knew sometimes she had to trust his judgement over her own so she went into her office and took her bag and coat and walked out of there without saying goodbye to anyone. She knew she'd have to apologise tomorrow, it wasn't any of their faults that her husband had left her but he wasn't there to take it out on.

She takes a deep breath as she sits in her SUV outside her house. In and out, in and out. Trying to psych herself up to walk in there and face her kids without breaking down crying that she had just ruined their lives. Looking around the street she wonders how she had ended up in suburbia.

When she had found out she was pregnant with Sophia she had told him there was no way he was getting her over to queens. Her apartment was big enough for them for the first year, he could keep his apartment for when he had the kids. He had argued he wanted his family together, he didn't want to split them up when his kids came to stay and even though they didn't stay much at their age she knew it was right. It was her fear to commit to him that was really stopping her.

When she had found out she was pregnant with Lucas when Sophia was only six months old he'd looked at her with a cocky grin on his face because he knew there was no way they'd survive two toddlers in a Manhattan apartment.

So he had got his wish, when she was six months pregnant with their second he had got her out here with enough room for the twins if they ever wanted to come and stay. She'd never admit it but she loved the house, not the nosey neighbours and the mothers who wanted to get her on the PTA or who shamed her for working when she had a 'loving husband who could provide for her' but it did have its pros. When the kids got older and they could have a swing set and a pool in the summer, or build a garden full of snowmen in the winter she understood why he had wanted this. It was just as exciting for her sometimes having never grown up with it either.

The house next door had been up for sale for a few months which she'd come to realise was unusual around here. It seemed everyone wanted to come further from the city for the large open space. She didn't enjoy the long drive to work every day but she told herself it was for the kids, it was an excellent school district afterall.

The SOLD sign now covering the for sale sign filled her with dread. Back at her apartment she never met her neighbours and that's how she liked it. Here you were expected to go around with a basket of muffins as a welcome and store bought anything here was practically a crime. She told herself to relax, maybe they were also people from the city who hated small talk as much as she did.

Finally feeling calmer after deciding the new neighbours were a problem for tomorrow she pulls the keys out of the ignition and makes her way inside to see the kids for a little while before they go to the fathers. Sophia and Lucas had finally outgrown their nanny after school. It had been hard to admit her kids didn't need Lucy anymore and while the kids were both extremely emotional to see her go Olivia had to admit they were growing up and 12 and 14 were able to get off the bus outside their house and wait for an hour or two for her to return home.

She wondered if they even knew she had got in from work most nights. They were always up in their room, Lucas on his games console and Sophia on her phone so she was surprised tonight to find them both waiting in the living room for her.

"Hey mom," Sophia says, getting up and walking toward her. Olivia could tell she was sizing her up. She could read her mother just as well as her father could and she hated it. "You ok?"

"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"

"How's dad?" Lucas calls from behind Sophia which earns him a dirty look from his sister.

"I expect he is fine too. You can ask him in a bit. He will be here at 6"

"We don't have to go mom. We can stay here with you"

She smiles at her daughter. Everyone said she had Livs caring nature but they think people are being too nice. Her daughter, in her eyes, is a much better person than she could ever be.

"I'll be fine. Go and see your dad"

She doesn't want to tell them that she wants to be alone so she can only hope they'll want to spend time with Elliot more than her tonight.

"Okay" Sophia says nodding and Olivia guesses that her daughter had just read her true feelings in her eyes. "But if you change your mind we'll come back"

"Thank you"

Liv smiles once more and walks further into the living room, dropping her bag and coat on the uncomfortable decorative armchair and sitting down on the comfy sofa that she had taken years to find.

"So how was your day?"

They both sit with her and tell her about their days and she appreciates the fact that they took the time to amuse her today. They hadn't talked with that much enthusiasm about a day in school since kindergarten and it warmed her.

Eventually there's a buzz on Livs phone and she picks it up to see it's from Elliot.

"Outside"

"Your dad's here" she informs them getting herself up off the sofa to walk them out. She doesn't know why she always walks them to the door, was it just to see him? Probably. If she could she would normally apply some lipstick and fluff out her hair just before. But today she doesn't, she probably looks like shit but she wants to see if he does too.

When she opens the door she doesn't see his car there. Stepping out to the porch she looks around and sees him standing in the same position as her on the house next door.

"What are you doing there?" she calls out to him and he grins.

"Waiting for the kids"

Liv rolls her eyes and lets out a huff.

"Why THERE?!" she emphasises holding out her hand to the house.

He looks up to the house beside him as if looking for a problem. "Oh" he fakes realising something. "Oh you mean here?"

Liv raises her brow sick of his game now. What was he playing at?

"Well because I live here?"

"What?!"

Elliot points to the SOLD sign and she looks between the sign and him a few times with her mouth hanging open and he laughs to himself as he sees the realisation dawn on here.

"Howdy neighbour"

"You've got to be kidding me"