Chapter 1

Updated

Bind dating is all fun and games until you end up on a date with the boy that humiliated you in high school, and just so happens to be your brother's best friend now. College life with our favorite characters.

Characters belong to Cassie Clare.

This story will be Rated M, this is your only warning.

Clary POV

My boobs aren't that big, by ass isn't that fun to look at, and my face isn't that pretty. I look in the mirror and see the girl that I used to be, afraid. It's been years since I have had to deal with the people from high school but I feel the effects every day. I know you're not here to listen to me talk about all the issues I have with my self confidence, but that is how this story starts.

Let me just tell you about this the right way.

Have you ever just wanted someone so much that it ruined you? Not physically of course. But – you just want them, every part of them – and knowing that they don't want you at all, ruins your self worth. Call me a child, but I would rather have no one if I can't have him.

It's a little more complicated than that, of course. I've loved him my whole life. There's only ever been four people in my life that I've loved from the very beginning. My parents. Jon, and Jace. There's been more over the years – Simon, Izzy, some stragglers. But when it comes to a first love, there's nothing else like it.

I could tell you some long story about us playing together as kids, his smile, eyes, the first time he saw me in a bikini. I could tell you every time he made me smile and every time he made me feel special.

I can also tell you every time he made me feel like I wasn't enough, and every time that he took someone else over me. Since the moment other girls in school starting giving him attention – lets just say it kills me a little more every day.

Izzy became my best friend after that. She knows everything, she's there to pick me up every single time. And most importantly, she's Jace's sister. We don't talk about him much anymore because she knows what loving him did to me.

"Just go tell him, Clary," Izzy said pushing me to the front door of Sebastian Verlac's house. "You look hot, you'll do fine. I'll be right behind you the entire time."

She spent the entire day at school convincing me to go to this party. "Forget about Jace", "Forget about responsibility", she said like it was possible. I gave in by sixth period, because, of course I can't say no to Izzy.

"I need a drink first, or three," I said stumbling a bit trying to keep up with her. She has me in a minidress and thigh high boots. If only my parents saw me right now I am sure I would be grounded for life.

I followed her to the makeshift bar that is set up in a large wrap around kitchen. We took our shots from the "bartender" and I focused on Izzy. "On three," she said putting her hand to the first glass. I did the same. I really should have asked what was in this cup before accepting it. It looks disgusting.

When she got to three, we took our shots in unison. The liquid burned like shit and I thought for a second that the third shot was coming back up. I was impressed with myself when it didn't.

"Feel better?" she asked me and I nodded. Obviously, I didn't feel better, but I was hoping that the buzz from whatever that was would make me feel comfortable again.

I let her take me to the dance floor and lead us in a dance that could get us arrested. I saw the way people were looking at us. It felt amazing to be looked at like I belonged, like I was needed there for the world to turn properly. She swung her hips as I twirled, I didn't know I was falling until someone caught me. A few people gasped but I couldn't see with my eyes closed.

"I didn't mean to trip you, Clary," Izzy said giggling like a goon. It almost made me jealous that she was already feeling those shots.

I finally opened my eyes and saw Jace's face right in front of mine. My heart stopped and my breath caught like those cheesy ass romantic movies, totally cliché. I saw his eyes go wide, I saw something twitch in his jaw, I felt his hand tighten against my waist.

His lips moved but I couldn't hear what he was saying. He was looking at me, really looking at me, and it turned my insides out. He didn't push me away, surely he would have by now.

Before I could think it through, I pushed myself up just another inch and kissed him. He tasted like honey and cigarettes. Intoxicating. Beautiful. And also, totally sober. He caught my bottom lip with his teeth for just a moment. Not a lick of alcohol on his breath.

I snapped myself into the world again and saw his eyes wide before his mouth turned into a frown.

"Are you drunk?" he said stretching his arms out to steady me on my feet. He put the space between us, giving me the chance to look at it face. He doesn't look happy? He didn't feel that?

"What?" What are you asking me? That I only kissed you because I drank too much? But I'm not drunk… he knew that, right?

"It's not a good idea to go around kissing people, Clarissa," he said more harshly this time. "Your brother might get the wrong idea."

"What?" I said again, this time leaning against Izzy for support.

"You're an asshole Jace," Izzy said matching his tone. Even a drunk Izzy looks lethal. I turned myself around and saw a dozen faces laughing at me from the dance floor. Most of them girls that have been trying to get in his pants for years. Cheerleaders, most of the dance team, some of their friends.

"We're not even that drunk," I heard Izzy say but I feel like I'm going to pass out. "We had.."

"Let me take you back home, Izzy," I heard Jace cut her off as she stumbled into me again. I caught myself this time before I could loose my balance. I saw Jon's eyes on me from the bar as the movement made me look up. He looked furious.

I felt my eyes watering and I crossed my fingers at my waist. It's always been our secret message for help in case one of us couldn't speak. Dire situations only – our loudest SOS. Only three people in the world knew about our secret message. He looked at my hand and back at my eyes and put his cup down, almost missing the counter top in his haste. Some girl that was leaning up against him lost her balance as he slipped away from her.

I took a step forward but I had to focus more on not letting my tears fall, these STUPID shoes. I looked up at the lights and again at all the people staring at me and I almost lost it again. Please hurry.

"Isabelle, STOP," I heard again from behind me and I realized it was Jace. I could tell he was trying to be subtle still but she was in his face.

"I can't believe you," I heard Izzy say but it was too late. I felt the mascara getting wet.

"She's not-," I heard his voice again but I let my eyes close and my hands clung to my ears. I can't do this right now. This isn't happening.

"Jon, get your sister home," I heard Jace again but his voice was cut off by a rather murderous glare from Jon. The look from Jon was strong enough that the girls standing by scattered. Thank god, I didn't want the audience anyways.

He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pushed us towards the door. The last thing I saw from that party was Izzy following behind us. Then Jace being pulled aside by a blonde who was trying to shove herself into his arms.

By Monday morning, everyone knew that I tried to kiss him. I could easily blame it on the drinks because no one knew that we only had three, we weren't even drunk. I told Jon later that night that I didn't need anything because I wasn't drunk but that only made him angrier for some reason.

I ignored the stares and the chatter for the rest of the year. It wasn't easy but I had my own friends that I relied on. It didn't matter if I felt stupid and inadequate, I still had them.

I told myself to push him out of my head. I told myself that if he ever wanted to talk to me again, he could com to me. If this is what loving someone for 15 years did to someone, I didn't want it at all.

Jon and Jace are still best friends but they go to another college on the other side of the city. We barely even see Jon on the weekend, even when we all go home. We text all the time but he's always been careful not to mention Jace or their extracurricular activities. I never meant for him to feel like he had to keep that part of his life separate from me. I hate that he feels like I can't handle it.

Even if I can't, I would pretend for Jon.

"Will you get out of the bathroom and join us," I heard Izzy knocking on the bathroom door. Her knocking pulled me away from staring at myself in the mirror. I don't need a makeover, I need a whole new face. No wonder I have such a hard time with guys, who wants frizzy hair, freckles, and bags under my eyes? Even my abs look average. Literally nothing special here.

"If you're doing what I think you're doing I will come through this door," she threatened again. "You look perfect, now let's go.". I rolled my eyes at myself and put my hair up in a pony tail.

"I'm not," I lied a moment later but the lock on the door was already picked. She really will come through this door.

I looked at her sequined tank top and her long legs and perfect hair. I never understood how girls like Izzy got so lucky when puberty hit them. If you think she's beautiful, you should see her brothers…

NO, no talking about her brothers.

I looked in the mirror again but she was already right next to me. She put hers hands on my rolled-up tank top and pushed it back down so I couldn't look at myself anymore.

"You are perfect," she reminded me. "Just the way you are."

I feel like she says these words every single day to me, and she probably does.

I haven't looked at myself the same since that happened my senior year. Everyone had something to say about me. She's not even that pretty, her hair is stupid, her boobs are too small for him, she's so short.

"Maybe if I had your confidence, I might actually believe you," I said staring at our reflections.

"It's been two years," she said pushing us from my bathroom. "It'll get better." I doubt that.

"How is that?" I asked trying to sound like the idea of anything 'getting better' was ludicrous.

"Social media," she answered. "There's this thing called Tinder, now."

Please save me.