1999
DISCOVERY
Part Eleven: Feelings
(This fic is written entirely from Arnold's point of view. I really tried to get into his head, while HE tries to understand Helga.)
Cecile. Arnold was struggling with a lot of confusing new feelings. I wish I could talk to Grandpa. he thought, staring out the window at the pouring rain. It's so hard to picture Helga as anything other than the bully I've known all my life.
His common sense told him to avoid the whole situation. And yet, every time he looked at her he felt again that funny feeling inside.
Helga G. Pataki likes me-likes me. No matter how many times he told himself, it still felt as surprising, as wondrous as it had the first time. It also made him a little nervous.
Apparently, Helga felt the same way. She kept giving him little peeks from behind the curtain of her hair, and smiling a little, and then staring down at her hands (clasped in her lap) again.
But before he could sort anything out, Helga took a deep breath and turned to him. In her eyes he saw a lightness, a look of openness, of honesty, that he'd seen before in only the briefest of glimpses. "Arnold-" she began earnestly, but then she seemed to lose her courage. "I-I've wanted to tell you-" She stalled again. He saw her fists clench as she struggled to speak.
Arnold replied encouragingly, "What is it, Helga?"
Slowly, her face relaxed, as if she was finally realizing that she didn't have to hide anything anymore-that she was free to let the mask drop, free to finally let go of the caution, the secrecy. Helga smiled ruefully. "I guess it's time to bare my soul." Arnold noticed her poetic choice of words. Normally, he would have expected her to say something like 'spill my guts'.
Helga took a huge breath, closing her eyes. After a few seconds, she opened them and focused on his face. "How shall I begin? Well...once I went to this old gypsy lady to get a magic potion to make me stop loving you. It turned out to be a fake, but for a whole day I believed I had no special feelings for you." She paused, taking another deep breath, her voice becoming more intense. "And you know what? I wasn't any happier. I could tell that something important was missing. I discovered that day that living without love for you in my heart was actually WORSE than seeing you every day and being utterly unable to express my true feelings for you."
Arnold stared at her as her face took on a sort of...glow, her blue eyes shining as she looked at him. She almost looked as though she were in a trance.
Then, abruptly switching moods in typical Helga-fashion, she suddenly asked, "By the way, how DID you figure out my secret? I could tell you didn't have a clue in the alley. Did Lila tell?" Her voice held a note of hostility.
Arnold blinked. Technically, Lila hadn't SAID anything. And none of this was her fault. So, in the interest of keeping the peace, he said in a surprised tone, "Lila knew about this? Uh, well, I guess you could say I finally saw the writing on the wall."
Helga stared at him for a long moment, then unexpectedly chuckled at his lame joke. Encouraged, he added, "Or maybe you finally knocked some sense into me."
Her smile faded. She was silent for several seconds. Then, her expression solemn, she said quietly, "Arnold, I promise you-I will never hit you again as long as I live. I couldn't bear hurting you again."
Arnold smiled, touched. "Thanks, Helga."
After another few seconds, she tossed her hair out of her eyes and grinned at him. "But don't think that makes you safe from a few practical jokes!"
Arnold stared at her, dismayed. She laughed, her voice half-mocking, half affectionate. "You should see your face! Honestly, the way you react sometimes-I can't resist! You're SO gullible! So innocent. So--charming."
She looked astonished at her own admission, her cheeks turning pink. Arnold felt his own face blushing. "You-you think I'm...charming?"
Her blush deepened as she looked away. "Well...yeah. But if you ever tell anyone..."Her voice lacked the hard note of malice he would have expected, reminding him again of the real girl underneath.
"Uh, that's okay, Helga. I won't tell."
Inside the car all was quiet, except for the sound of the rain. Arnold 's face wore its serious, 'thinking' look. He thought again how quickly Helga's moods changed-or seemed to. She IS a great actress. How many other things does she hide, to protect herself?
Somehow he knew that all the complaining Helga did about her 'lame' family was, at least partially, to hide how terribly hurt she was at their disinterest in her.
Or maybe it was to convince herself that she didn't care.
And yet-how many people with families like hers decide to lo--to care about someone, to open themselves up to being hurt, instead of just shutting down, and turning off all of their emotions completely?
He studied her carefully. She was looking out the window at the lessening rain, her hands clasped in her lap.
How many people would decide to care? How long has she secretly...liked me-liked me...with nothing in return...Talk about devotion. Arnold thought with an odd mixture of awe and affection. It's kind of flattering, really, even though I'm not sure what I did to deserve it. I mean, I try to be a nice guy. And I like helping people. But I'm just a regular guy. Nothing special.
He thought about everything he'd learned about her in the last two weeks. That poetry book's gotta be hers. From what I remember, she couldn't decide whether to be nice to me or pound me...I wonder if that's true for everybody. That the people you care about the most are the ones who bug you the most.
His eye fell on the locket on the seat beside her. She noticed him looking and picked it up.
"Haven't I seen that before?" he asked, struck again by its familiarity.
She didn't look up at him. Studying the locket in her hands, which were resting in her lap, she answered, "Uh, huh. I knew it was dangerous to have it, but...I needed something to encourage me...to keep striving...a tangible reminder of my goal."
"Goal?"
She looked up at him, her blue eyes serious. "Confessing to you."
"Oh."
After a moment, she looked off into the distance. "You wouldn't believe some of the jams I've gotten into..." A note of humor crept into her voice. "Times when I inadvertently let something that would reveal my secret fall into unsuspecting hands. Yours, usually. I used to wonder if fate was against me, if something WANTED me to be exposed and humiliated."
She was silent for a few moments, her fingers fiddling with the clasp on the locket. Then she opened it and looked inside. "But now...I think maybe somebody was trying to tell me something."
Giving her a glance to ask permission, Arnold leaned closer to her to look inside the locket. He remembered now where he'd seen it. His grandpa had found it, and worn it around his neck until it had mysteriously disappeared. He remembered how curious they'd both been over what might be inside, even though they hadn't managed to open it.
Obligingly, Helga tilted it so her could see. In the right half, some words were engraved in fancy lettering.
'Arnold, my soul, you are always in my heart. Love, Helga G. Pataki'
Something in the back of his head made a connection. "Now I know why you were such a good Juliet." Arnold said without thinking.
Their eyes met. Suddenly conscious of how close together their faces were, Arnold sat up straight, blushing. He was struck by the memory of how it had felt, the times Helga had actually kissed him.
Glancing at her sideways, he noticed Helga was also blushing furiously as she stared straight ahead. Actually, she was sort of cute, like that.
Startled at the thought, Arnold looked at her out of the corners of his eyes. With her hair down, she looked so...different. Not the sophisticated, grown-up 'different' she'd been in the French restaurant where they'd ended up washing dishes, or even the dramatic, high-spoken 'different' she'd been when she'd played Juliet.
This new Helga was...softer. More vulnerable...a real girl, with real feelings that he could touch, and be touched by. Now that he'd seen this side of her, he recognized her public behavior for the 'mask' it was, as Phoebe had put it.
Just then Helga turned to him. "Looks like the rain's finally stopping." She reported as a beam of sunlight burst through the clouds directly into Helga's side of the car. Shining all golden-white, she suddenly looked like an angel.
Arnold caught his breath. He felt again that odd twinge in his chest. Helga's blue eyes met his green ones, and for the first time in his life, he could read into their depths, unveiled.
It was as though he could almost feel her emotions, so easily! There was pain, and loneliness......a lot of anger, and......misery......but......joy, too, and humor, and......love. So powerful! Overshadowing the pain.
Then Helga looked away, clearing her throat. "Well, I suppose we'd better get home. I don't know about YOU but I'm starving."
Arnold reluctantly shook off the spell she'd put him under. "I guess you're right."
The two of them got out of the car, and began walking. They stopped at Helga's bow, lying muddy and limp on the ground.
"Don't you want it?" Arnold asked when Helga made no move to pick it up.
Slowly she shook her head. "I don't need it anymore." she murmured, smiling lovingly at him.
He couldn't resist smiling back, as something inside him relaxed, finally accepting the astonishing events of the afternoon. On impulse, he held out his hand, looking up at her shyly.
Helga looked at him uncertainly, then slowly placed her hand in his. The two of them smiled shyly at each other. After a few moments, Helga glanced upward, and she blinked. "Arnold, look."
He turned to look in the same direction. There, shimmering faintly amidst the sun-touched stormclouds, was a rainbow.
As they left the junkyard hand-in-hand, Arnold commented, "You know, I think I'm actually gonna miss that bow."
"I was thinking about getting a smaller one, anyway...pink, of course. I look good in pink."
Arnold chucked, enjoying joking around with her. He marveled at how different she was, yet still the same. This is the Helga I should have grown up with. So many clues, once I thought to look.
He looked at her, watching strands of her hair dance in the gentle breeze. "You know, I'd probably have figured it out, eventually."
"Yeah, right." Helga laughed joyfully, without a trace of her former sarcasm. "--Eventually!"
They were almost to Helga's house when Arnold remembered Phoebe. "I stopped by her house while I was looking for you. She's probably worried. We should go and tell her that you're all right."
"Okay. It's not like anyone HERE is gonna miss me." Helga's sarcasm was back.
Arnold sighed, realizing both the truth of that statement and the hidden pain underneath. He had an impulse to protect her, to comfort her, but, for once, had no idea what to say. He could talk all day about how much her parents cared, but it wouldn't help. THEY were the ones who had to show it, for her to believe.
The two of them walked side by side, but didn't hold hands. Arnold knew Helga was afraid of seeing someone they knew.
Phoebe opened the door before Arnold finished knocking. "Helga, are you all-" Her mouth dropped open as she took in Helga's changed appearance.
"I'm fine, Pheebs; thanks for worrying." Helga said sincerely.
Phoebe's eyes went from Helga to Arnold and back several times. Helga nodded, smiling a slow, happy smile.
"Oh, Helga, I'm so happy for you!" In another rare display, Phoebe hugged her best friend. "For both of you." she added as she released Helga.
After a moment, Phoebe said, "So in retrospect, it appears that discovering the message on the wall was indeed serendipitous."
"You got that right." Helga agreed.
"Still, I confess to being curious as to whom the author is." Phoebe said thoughtfully.
"It's not Lila." Arnold said immediately. Helga gave him a reproachful look, but for once didn't argue with him.
"Maybe it's better that none of us knows." Arnold said after a few seconds. Helga's look of annoyance faded as she looked at him.
"Oh, I guess you're right. I sure can't deny that whoever it was did me a favor."
Phoebe smiled. "Well, I must return to my cello practice. I'll see you both in school tomorrow."
"See ya, Pheebs."
"Bye, Phoebe."
"She's a good friend." Arnold commented after the door closed.
"The best." Helga said affectionately.
Arnold wondered if Helga would still think so if she knew what Phoebe had told him earlier. In a way, he was glad Phoebe had made him promise not to tell-even though he believed in honesty, he realized how betrayed Helga would feel. He'd learned that lesson from Iggy. And Phoebe hadn't really told him anything he hadn't already known--deep down.
On the way back to Helga's they decided to take a detour through the alley. The chalk marks were barely visible now, after all the rain. Standing hand-in-hand in front of the wall, Helga said again, "I would really love to know who wrote this."
"I did." came a voice from behind them.
DISCOVERY
Part Eleven: Feelings
(This fic is written entirely from Arnold's point of view. I really tried to get into his head, while HE tries to understand Helga.)
Cecile. Arnold was struggling with a lot of confusing new feelings. I wish I could talk to Grandpa. he thought, staring out the window at the pouring rain. It's so hard to picture Helga as anything other than the bully I've known all my life.
His common sense told him to avoid the whole situation. And yet, every time he looked at her he felt again that funny feeling inside.
Helga G. Pataki likes me-likes me. No matter how many times he told himself, it still felt as surprising, as wondrous as it had the first time. It also made him a little nervous.
Apparently, Helga felt the same way. She kept giving him little peeks from behind the curtain of her hair, and smiling a little, and then staring down at her hands (clasped in her lap) again.
But before he could sort anything out, Helga took a deep breath and turned to him. In her eyes he saw a lightness, a look of openness, of honesty, that he'd seen before in only the briefest of glimpses. "Arnold-" she began earnestly, but then she seemed to lose her courage. "I-I've wanted to tell you-" She stalled again. He saw her fists clench as she struggled to speak.
Arnold replied encouragingly, "What is it, Helga?"
Slowly, her face relaxed, as if she was finally realizing that she didn't have to hide anything anymore-that she was free to let the mask drop, free to finally let go of the caution, the secrecy. Helga smiled ruefully. "I guess it's time to bare my soul." Arnold noticed her poetic choice of words. Normally, he would have expected her to say something like 'spill my guts'.
Helga took a huge breath, closing her eyes. After a few seconds, she opened them and focused on his face. "How shall I begin? Well...once I went to this old gypsy lady to get a magic potion to make me stop loving you. It turned out to be a fake, but for a whole day I believed I had no special feelings for you." She paused, taking another deep breath, her voice becoming more intense. "And you know what? I wasn't any happier. I could tell that something important was missing. I discovered that day that living without love for you in my heart was actually WORSE than seeing you every day and being utterly unable to express my true feelings for you."
Arnold stared at her as her face took on a sort of...glow, her blue eyes shining as she looked at him. She almost looked as though she were in a trance.
Then, abruptly switching moods in typical Helga-fashion, she suddenly asked, "By the way, how DID you figure out my secret? I could tell you didn't have a clue in the alley. Did Lila tell?" Her voice held a note of hostility.
Arnold blinked. Technically, Lila hadn't SAID anything. And none of this was her fault. So, in the interest of keeping the peace, he said in a surprised tone, "Lila knew about this? Uh, well, I guess you could say I finally saw the writing on the wall."
Helga stared at him for a long moment, then unexpectedly chuckled at his lame joke. Encouraged, he added, "Or maybe you finally knocked some sense into me."
Her smile faded. She was silent for several seconds. Then, her expression solemn, she said quietly, "Arnold, I promise you-I will never hit you again as long as I live. I couldn't bear hurting you again."
Arnold smiled, touched. "Thanks, Helga."
After another few seconds, she tossed her hair out of her eyes and grinned at him. "But don't think that makes you safe from a few practical jokes!"
Arnold stared at her, dismayed. She laughed, her voice half-mocking, half affectionate. "You should see your face! Honestly, the way you react sometimes-I can't resist! You're SO gullible! So innocent. So--charming."
She looked astonished at her own admission, her cheeks turning pink. Arnold felt his own face blushing. "You-you think I'm...charming?"
Her blush deepened as she looked away. "Well...yeah. But if you ever tell anyone..."Her voice lacked the hard note of malice he would have expected, reminding him again of the real girl underneath.
"Uh, that's okay, Helga. I won't tell."
Inside the car all was quiet, except for the sound of the rain. Arnold 's face wore its serious, 'thinking' look. He thought again how quickly Helga's moods changed-or seemed to. She IS a great actress. How many other things does she hide, to protect herself?
Somehow he knew that all the complaining Helga did about her 'lame' family was, at least partially, to hide how terribly hurt she was at their disinterest in her.
Or maybe it was to convince herself that she didn't care.
And yet-how many people with families like hers decide to lo--to care about someone, to open themselves up to being hurt, instead of just shutting down, and turning off all of their emotions completely?
He studied her carefully. She was looking out the window at the lessening rain, her hands clasped in her lap.
How many people would decide to care? How long has she secretly...liked me-liked me...with nothing in return...Talk about devotion. Arnold thought with an odd mixture of awe and affection. It's kind of flattering, really, even though I'm not sure what I did to deserve it. I mean, I try to be a nice guy. And I like helping people. But I'm just a regular guy. Nothing special.
He thought about everything he'd learned about her in the last two weeks. That poetry book's gotta be hers. From what I remember, she couldn't decide whether to be nice to me or pound me...I wonder if that's true for everybody. That the people you care about the most are the ones who bug you the most.
His eye fell on the locket on the seat beside her. She noticed him looking and picked it up.
"Haven't I seen that before?" he asked, struck again by its familiarity.
She didn't look up at him. Studying the locket in her hands, which were resting in her lap, she answered, "Uh, huh. I knew it was dangerous to have it, but...I needed something to encourage me...to keep striving...a tangible reminder of my goal."
"Goal?"
She looked up at him, her blue eyes serious. "Confessing to you."
"Oh."
After a moment, she looked off into the distance. "You wouldn't believe some of the jams I've gotten into..." A note of humor crept into her voice. "Times when I inadvertently let something that would reveal my secret fall into unsuspecting hands. Yours, usually. I used to wonder if fate was against me, if something WANTED me to be exposed and humiliated."
She was silent for a few moments, her fingers fiddling with the clasp on the locket. Then she opened it and looked inside. "But now...I think maybe somebody was trying to tell me something."
Giving her a glance to ask permission, Arnold leaned closer to her to look inside the locket. He remembered now where he'd seen it. His grandpa had found it, and worn it around his neck until it had mysteriously disappeared. He remembered how curious they'd both been over what might be inside, even though they hadn't managed to open it.
Obligingly, Helga tilted it so her could see. In the right half, some words were engraved in fancy lettering.
'Arnold, my soul, you are always in my heart. Love, Helga G. Pataki'
Something in the back of his head made a connection. "Now I know why you were such a good Juliet." Arnold said without thinking.
Their eyes met. Suddenly conscious of how close together their faces were, Arnold sat up straight, blushing. He was struck by the memory of how it had felt, the times Helga had actually kissed him.
Glancing at her sideways, he noticed Helga was also blushing furiously as she stared straight ahead. Actually, she was sort of cute, like that.
Startled at the thought, Arnold looked at her out of the corners of his eyes. With her hair down, she looked so...different. Not the sophisticated, grown-up 'different' she'd been in the French restaurant where they'd ended up washing dishes, or even the dramatic, high-spoken 'different' she'd been when she'd played Juliet.
This new Helga was...softer. More vulnerable...a real girl, with real feelings that he could touch, and be touched by. Now that he'd seen this side of her, he recognized her public behavior for the 'mask' it was, as Phoebe had put it.
Just then Helga turned to him. "Looks like the rain's finally stopping." She reported as a beam of sunlight burst through the clouds directly into Helga's side of the car. Shining all golden-white, she suddenly looked like an angel.
Arnold caught his breath. He felt again that odd twinge in his chest. Helga's blue eyes met his green ones, and for the first time in his life, he could read into their depths, unveiled.
It was as though he could almost feel her emotions, so easily! There was pain, and loneliness......a lot of anger, and......misery......but......joy, too, and humor, and......love. So powerful! Overshadowing the pain.
Then Helga looked away, clearing her throat. "Well, I suppose we'd better get home. I don't know about YOU but I'm starving."
Arnold reluctantly shook off the spell she'd put him under. "I guess you're right."
The two of them got out of the car, and began walking. They stopped at Helga's bow, lying muddy and limp on the ground.
"Don't you want it?" Arnold asked when Helga made no move to pick it up.
Slowly she shook her head. "I don't need it anymore." she murmured, smiling lovingly at him.
He couldn't resist smiling back, as something inside him relaxed, finally accepting the astonishing events of the afternoon. On impulse, he held out his hand, looking up at her shyly.
Helga looked at him uncertainly, then slowly placed her hand in his. The two of them smiled shyly at each other. After a few moments, Helga glanced upward, and she blinked. "Arnold, look."
He turned to look in the same direction. There, shimmering faintly amidst the sun-touched stormclouds, was a rainbow.
As they left the junkyard hand-in-hand, Arnold commented, "You know, I think I'm actually gonna miss that bow."
"I was thinking about getting a smaller one, anyway...pink, of course. I look good in pink."
Arnold chucked, enjoying joking around with her. He marveled at how different she was, yet still the same. This is the Helga I should have grown up with. So many clues, once I thought to look.
He looked at her, watching strands of her hair dance in the gentle breeze. "You know, I'd probably have figured it out, eventually."
"Yeah, right." Helga laughed joyfully, without a trace of her former sarcasm. "--Eventually!"
They were almost to Helga's house when Arnold remembered Phoebe. "I stopped by her house while I was looking for you. She's probably worried. We should go and tell her that you're all right."
"Okay. It's not like anyone HERE is gonna miss me." Helga's sarcasm was back.
Arnold sighed, realizing both the truth of that statement and the hidden pain underneath. He had an impulse to protect her, to comfort her, but, for once, had no idea what to say. He could talk all day about how much her parents cared, but it wouldn't help. THEY were the ones who had to show it, for her to believe.
The two of them walked side by side, but didn't hold hands. Arnold knew Helga was afraid of seeing someone they knew.
Phoebe opened the door before Arnold finished knocking. "Helga, are you all-" Her mouth dropped open as she took in Helga's changed appearance.
"I'm fine, Pheebs; thanks for worrying." Helga said sincerely.
Phoebe's eyes went from Helga to Arnold and back several times. Helga nodded, smiling a slow, happy smile.
"Oh, Helga, I'm so happy for you!" In another rare display, Phoebe hugged her best friend. "For both of you." she added as she released Helga.
After a moment, Phoebe said, "So in retrospect, it appears that discovering the message on the wall was indeed serendipitous."
"You got that right." Helga agreed.
"Still, I confess to being curious as to whom the author is." Phoebe said thoughtfully.
"It's not Lila." Arnold said immediately. Helga gave him a reproachful look, but for once didn't argue with him.
"Maybe it's better that none of us knows." Arnold said after a few seconds. Helga's look of annoyance faded as she looked at him.
"Oh, I guess you're right. I sure can't deny that whoever it was did me a favor."
Phoebe smiled. "Well, I must return to my cello practice. I'll see you both in school tomorrow."
"See ya, Pheebs."
"Bye, Phoebe."
"She's a good friend." Arnold commented after the door closed.
"The best." Helga said affectionately.
Arnold wondered if Helga would still think so if she knew what Phoebe had told him earlier. In a way, he was glad Phoebe had made him promise not to tell-even though he believed in honesty, he realized how betrayed Helga would feel. He'd learned that lesson from Iggy. And Phoebe hadn't really told him anything he hadn't already known--deep down.
On the way back to Helga's they decided to take a detour through the alley. The chalk marks were barely visible now, after all the rain. Standing hand-in-hand in front of the wall, Helga said again, "I would really love to know who wrote this."
"I did." came a voice from behind them.