In Search of the Heart

It was impossible. I refused to believe it had happened, thought I had witnessed it with my own two eyes. The crumpled form of a red-tailed hawk lay in the gorilla's/Marco's arms. If I hadn't been in morph, I would have cried, but bears don't cry, and neither did Rachel, until now. I let out a strangled cry but it sounded more like a roar coming from a bear's mouth.

A tiger ran up behind us. We gotta get out of here, now! Jake yelled at us in thought-speak. I stood still, staring at the limp hawk that was Tobias, the only person in the world who had the key to my heart. Ugh, poetry. The gorilla/Marco, reached out and put a large, frying pan-sized hand on my shaggy shoulder. Come on Rachel, we have to go.

It was one of the few times when Marco had been slightly compassionate, but I cared little at that moment. Reluctantly and slowly I made my way back up the stairs, knocking Hork-Bajir out of my way as I went. We came out into the cool, crisp night air and ran into some nearby woods to demorph.

As soon as I was me again, I lunged at Jake. Fists flying, I caught him the side of the head, the stomach and his arms. I bowled him over so I was on top of him, beating him while tears flew freely from my face. I don't know if it was from the shock of me beating up my cousin, or from the fact that Tobias was dead. I figured it was a mixture of both. Jake didn't put up with this for very long. He tried to hit me back, to make me get off of him, but I stayed there like a rock, beating him as much as I could. Suddenly, large black hands wrapped around my upper arms and lifted me like a rag doll. Marco had stopped in gorilla morph and picked me up. I was in the air, kicking and trying to punch with my hands. Marco held me there until Jake had gotten up. He wiped blood from his nose and then nodded to Marco. He set me down on the ground, but instantly I started for Jake again. Cassie quick jumped in and pushed me back. I lay on my butt, stunned. Cassie had never used brute force before. I shook my head and got up anyway. Now Cassie, and Marco were holding me back while I fought to kill my cousin. "You son of a bitch!" I screamed at him. "I hate you! I hate you!"

Jake looked unfazed. I finally stopped fighting, my emotion rush making me exhausted. I crashed fell to the ground, spent. Tears slowly coursed down my cheeks into the dirt, making small spots of mud near my face. 'What's this? The great Xena, Warrior Princess, crying?' a nasty voice in my head said. I listened and instantly, I sat up, quickly wiping the wetness from my face. "Bastard." I said, still staring daggers at Jake. He licked his lips then came and knelt next to me.

"Rachel, you have no idea how sorry I am. You think I don't care? He was one of my best friends, he was an Animorph. I know it's my fault, but you can't kill me. Then we'd be two men down. Get a grip, ok?" He had put as much emotion into his voice as possible, but I still felt like he was being cold. I glared at him, wishing looks really could kill, because of the way I was looking at him he would have died a long time ago.

I got up and started to walk away. Cassie came after me and put a hand on my shoulder. I shoved it away and continued on. She stayed there, unmoving. No one came after me.

I went home. Through the front door, up the stairs, it all seemed too normal. Too, too normal. Jordan sat at the kitchen table, doing homework I guess. I could feel her eyes following me up to my room. I didn't care that I was only wearing a leotard and some leggings and was covered in dirt. Didn't care that I was basically giving away our entire group. Who knows, maybe the Yeerks would get Jake and make him a drone just like his brother. Then he'd know the anguish I was feeling. I shook my head. No. I didn't wish that on anyone.

I flopped onto my bed, feeling as if I'd been drained of all energy that had been given to me. 'It's all a dream. A horrible, sick, disgusting dream. The Ellimist is screwing with my mind again.' You'd think he'd have some kind of moral limits. Go Figure. A scratching noise came from my window. 'There, see? Tobias is alive, and he's scratching at my window.' I got up and ran to my window, only to find he wasn't there. It was my subconciesnesss playing tricks on me. I beat on the window, wishing the sound to be real, wishing that the hawk that was my boyfriend was actually there. How could I have let this happen?

I was deeply pissed off at the world. At Jake, for making us all go into that hell-hole; at Marco, because he didn't let me get the greatly deserved revenge; at Cassie for also holding me back; at Ax for not doing anything at all, but mostly at Tobias. He should have just let me handle it. I could have taken them, but no. He had to get all macho and do his thing. Now look where it got him. I got up and went to the window again. I opened it up, and stuck my head out. "WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?!! WHY??!!" I asked the night. No answer. The stars continued to wink down at me and the moon continued to shine down at me and smile. I turned around and slid down against the wall until I was sitting down, my head and back using the wall as a rest. And then it came. I think it was the first time I'd really cried in my whole life, apart from earlier. The came in waves, stopping for a while then coming again on much, much larger.

Eventually, I fell asleep. I had the strangest dream. I was flying over a bare, desolate land. Dead tress and cracked earth covered the place, but I was flying on the back of a great bird. I looked behind me and the tail was red. I was flying on a red-tailed hawk. Suddenly, the bird turned its head around and looked at me, then simply disappeared. I hovered in the air for a while, then suddenly plummeted from the earth, and the ground kept getting father and farther away.......
WHOMP! Something struck my head and made me bolt upright. I was panting when I looked up to see Sara standing over me, holding a very fluffed pillow.

"What are you doing on the floor, Rachel?" she asked, the pillow in hand as if I didn't answer her she'd whomp me again. I rubbed my face.

"I uh, was watching the sky and I guess I fell asleep."

Sara studied me for a moment, then shrugged. "Okay, whatever. Well, Cassie's here if you wanna talk to her."

Sara walked out and Cassie came in. I sighed and fell back onto the floor.

"You can't ignore me forever. I am the best friend you know." she said, smiling the smallest of smiles. Her eyes and nose were red and her voice was slightly hoarse. I knew that she'd just been crying too.
"I don't want to talk, okay?" I said, not meeting her gaze.

"Yes you do. I can't let you wallow in self pity."

Argh! Why did everyone have to be so cruel?

"I'm not wallowing. I'm mourning." I replied shortly. Did these people have no feelings at all?

Cassie rolled her eyes. "If you were mourning, you wouldn't mind company."

"Fine. Care to join me?" I asked sarcasticly, guesturing to a piece of floor near me.

She sat down, cross legged. "I know you're hurting. We all are." she said quietly.

I breathed heavily. "I never thought I'd say this, but I wish this stupid war was over."

"This is our first loss. I guess we'd just been too lucky all of the other times. We knew this day would come."

"But why did it have to be Tobias?"

Cassie shrugged. "Who knows? Lives are ruled by fate, and we can't control that."

"I never even got to say good-bye."

"None of us did."

"But I really needed too. Our, us, I mean.....we had just started to really you know, warm up to one another. Things were just starting to get serious."

"It's not your fault."

"Yes it is. I was the reason he came."

"He was trying to protect you."

"He was being too macho. He knew I could take them." Now I was just repeating my feelings.

"Rachel, he loved you. He wasn't being macho, he was protecting the girl that he loved."

She had cracked the flood gates. Tears welled in my eyes again, and I swallowed them back with difficulty.

"Well, well he shouldn't have!" Oh yeah. Good comeback Rachel.

"Come here." Cassie opened her arms and hugged me. "Everything's going to be ok. We will get through this. It'll just take some time."

I nodded. If I had tried to speak at that moment, I would have cried, and I can't let anyone see me cry. I had seen myself, and it wasn't a pretty sight.

Cassie got up. "We're meeting tonight at my barn. I think we're going to have a funeral or something. I don't know. Jake just said to meet at the barn tonight."

Jake. God how I hated that name now. "Yeah ok. I'll try and be there." Maybe I could talk some of the foxes into mauling him. She nodded and then walked out.

Solitude is a dangerous thing. It gives you time to think. I knew I was bringing this on myself, I was the one holing myself up. But I didn't care. Maybe Cassie was right. I was wallowing in self-pity.

"You know what the number one killer of teenage girls under 18 is? Self-pity." I quoted from a movie I had been forced to see with Sara and Jordan.

I came out of my room twice that day. Once to use the bathroom, and the other to grab some food to keep in my room. Who cared if my mom found them. Not I.

I tried reading, then tried surfing the net on the computer in my room, but nothing worked. I couldn't, I wouldn't focus. My mind kept drawing me back to the crumpled bird in Marco's arms. I banged my fist on the keyboard. Numbers and letters typed out in irregular patterns on the screen.

Evening fell, and I decided to head towards the barn now. Maybe I was early, maybe I was late. She didn't specify an exact time, so it's not like it mattered.

Turned out I was neither. Ax was there, but only because he lived in the woods and could get there the quickest. I caught myself searching the rafters like usual, looking for the fierce gaze of Tobias in his hawk form. I stopped, and hoped no one else had seen. Ax had. He blinked sympatheticlly with his stalk eyes, but said nothing. I was grateful for that. No need to embarass myself in front of the others. Cassie had been tending to some rabbits nearby, and now came over. Next came Jake, and then Marco. I tried not to look at Jake, even though I could feel him looking at me. Probably wondering if I was going to ruff him up again.

He cleared his throat. "I asked for this meeting so we could talk some things out." His left eye was purple and swollen shut from where I had punched him the night before. "I bring this tragedy upon myself. I was the one that said we had to go in there. It was a stupid idea, and now I've killed one of our own."

I tried not to nod. Instead, I watched some squirrels that resided in a cage next to me.

"Marco managed to bring Tobias up with him. Cassie?" He looked at her, and then she disappeared into the back, and then returned with a shoebox-sized crate. "I figured the least we could do was give him a proper burial."

Given any other circumstance, I would have thought this very, very dumb. A funeral for a bird. Give me a break. But this was this circumstance, and I thought it very noble and appropriate. Cassie walked out of the barn, the box in her hands. We filed out in a silent procession.

I didn't know where we were going until we came to a familiar tree. It was Tobias' meadow, where he had lived. A hole had been dug in the ground near his tree and a small cross had been made out of twine and twigs to mark his grave. I choked on a thing of tears that was rising in my throat.

Cassie placed the box into the hole, but didn't cover it yet. "I think we should say a prayer." Nods followed this suggestion.

Cassie stood directly in front of the grave while the rest of us congregated around it. "Thank you," she said, "for giving us Tobias, even if it was for such a short while. He was kind, decent, loving and was one of the strongest believers in our cause. We shall forever fight for him." A couple 'amen's' issued around. Jake finally caught my eyes. He picked up a handful of dirt, walked over, and put it into my hand. I knew what he wanted me to do. I was the 'widow' here. I had to throw the first thing of dirt. I closed my eyes, fighting the tears and then slowly sprinkled the dirt onto the small, make-shift coffin. No one made a sound.

Marco picked up a shovel that leaned against the tree, and then finnished the job. He pat the top of it down, then crossed himself. We kind of lingered there, staring at the mound of dirt that Tobias now lay under. Slowly people walked off until I was the last one there. I stood there, staring at the small cross. Knowing I was now alone, I let the tears fall. If someone were to see my cry, I would want it to be him.