Obligatory Health warning: Do not read if suffering from nervous disorder. DO NOT TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY OR PERSONALLY. If you find that you end up doing so, you could be suffering from one or both of the following disorders
- Lack of mental ability, i.e. – you're thick.
- Lack of experience and imagination, i.e. – you need to get out more.
THE ADVENTURES OF SUPER-VOLD
Episode 1
ANNOUNCER-BLOKE: Well, things are looking pretty messy down here at the Tesco's car park. A lorry is on fire and things are getting very serious. Things are also getting pretty hot, because there are a lot of people on fire. The fire service hasn't turned up because they can't be fucked, and all we have fighting the blaze is a garden hose with a slow leak. So things really aren't too great…
SEVERAL HUNDRED MILES AWAY IN A VERY SECRET PLACE THAT IS SO SECRET I CAN'T TELL YOU WHERE IT IS…Super-Vold, and his sidekick Not-So-Super-Lucius are having breakfast.
SUPER-VOLD: Now, what's going on in the World today?
Not-So-Super-Lucius: Ahm.. Well….there's a meeting in Grimsby of the 14th Horticultural Society's annual hoeing competition-
SUPER-VOLD: Oh God…
NOT-SO-SUPER-Lucius: -or there's the Beige Anorak Bought In Marks And Spencer's Society's Show the World That We Are 'with it' Day…
SUPER-Vold: No comment.
NOT-SO-SUPER-BUT-ALRIGHT-REALLY-LUCIUS: Or there's a big fire in Tesco's car park which needs putting out.
SUPER-VOLD: Say no more! I'm on the job!
SUPER-VOLD LEAPS FROM THE BREAFAST TABLE, LEAVING MUG OF HERBAL TEA AND BOWL OF READY-BREKKY UN-EATEN, AND SPRINTS UPSTAIRS. HE TEARS OFF DRESSING GOWN AND P.J.'s…..(don't get too excited, girls….there's not a lot to see….) ANYWAY, SUPER-VOLD HURRIDLY YANKS ON SMART TROUSER SUIT AND RUNS DOWNSTAIRS. HE'S ALMOST REACHED THE KITCHEN WHEN HE SUDDENLY REALISES THAT HE'S FORGOTTEN HIS UNDERPANTS. SO HE GALLOPS BACK UPSTAIRS, FINDS A PAIR OF Y-FRONTS AND PULLS THEM ON OVER HIS SUIT, BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO GET UNDRESSED AND DO IT PROPERLY……….WELL, IT'S BETTER THAN NOTHING ISN'T IT?
OUTSIDE, NOT-VERY-SUPER-AT-ALL-PETER, SUPER-VOLD'S MECHANIC, IS REVING UP SUPER-VOLD'S MOTOR-HOOVER. SUPER-VOLD SPRINTS OUT OF THE HOUSE.
NOT- VERY- SUPER-AT-ALL-PETER: Morning boss! She's all ready for you.
HE PATS THE HOOVER, LOVINGLY
Super-Vold
HE JUMPS ON
I'll see you later. I should be back by lunchtime.
NOT-VERY-SUPER-AT-ALL-PETER: I'll tell Lucius. Lovely uniform, by the way.
SUPER-VOLD: Oh thanks.
HE ADJUSTS HIS UNDERPANTS FOR MAXIMUM EFFECT.
I think it works.
AND OFF HE ZOOMS ON HIS MOTOR-HOOVER
UP IN THE SKY, SUPER-VOLD IS FLYING BRAVELY TOWARDS HIS DESTINATION. BUT WHERE IS THAT DESTINATION? SUPER-VOLD DOESN'T ACTUALLY KNOW WHERE TESCO IS – LUCIUS LIKES DOING THE SHOPPING. HE DECIDES TO STOP A PASSING BIRD.
SUPER-VOLD: Hey you!
PASSING BIRD: ME?
SUPER-VOLD: Yeah, you. Stop a minute, will you?
PASSING BIRD: N
FLIES OFF
SUPER-VOLD: Stupid bird.
HE STOPS ANOTHER BIRD
SUPER-VOLD: Stop!
ANOTHER BIRD: Stop?
SUPER-VOLD: Stop!
ANOTHER-BIRD: Oh, all right then.
SUPER-VOLD: Do you know where Tesco is?
ANOTHER BIRD: Tesco? Ummmmmm……errr…ahhhmmmm…..errrrrrr…….well now, let me see……..Tesco……..ahhhhhhhh -
SUPER-VOLD: Thank you so much. You've been most helpful.
ANOTHER BIRD: I have?
SUPER-VOLD: Yes. Now, if you'll excuse me….
HE FLIES OFF. THE OTHER BIRD IS STILL NOT QUITE SURE WHAT IT WAS HE SAID THAT SUPER-VOLD FOUND SO HELPFUL , BUT HE FEELS HE SHOULD SAY SOMETHING, TO SHOW HOW GLAD HE IS TO BE OF SERVICE.
ANOTHER BIRD: Not at all, dear chap, the pleasure's all mine……any time I can be of use to you…..fly carefully, and have a nice day!
BY NOW, SUPER-VOLD IS SEVERAL MILES AWAY, BUT HE STILL DOESN'T KNOW WHERE TESCO IS. FORTUNATELY, YET ANOTHER BIRD IS APPROACHING.
SUPER-VOLD: Ummmm….excuse me?
YET ANOTHER BIRD: Are you kickin'me, buster?
SUPER-VOLD: I'm not kicking you. I don't like animal cruelty
YET ANOTHER BIRD: What?
SUPER-VOLD: I'm not kicking you!
YET ANOTHER BIRD: Oh, right.
SUPER-VOLD: But I was wondering if you could tell me which direction to go to reach Tesco's car park?
YET ANOTHER BIRD: Down.
SUPER-VOLD: Down?
YET ANOTHER BIRD: You want to reach Tesco's car park, right?
SUPER-VOLD: Right.
YET ANOTHER BIRD: Well it's not up here, is it? Of course you have to go down! It's a joke! Geddit? HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SUPER-VOLD: Ha-ha. How very funny.
YET ANOTHER BIRD: I know, I am. Other birds call me Crackajoke Charlie, cos.' I'm so incredibly hilarious! HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
SUPER-VOLD: Hilarious.
YET ANOTHER BIRD: Yeah, and I know some more unbelievably funny jokes!
SUPER-VOLD: Don't take it too personally if I don't shout 'hooray!' with happiness.
YET ANOTHER BIRD: Nah - that's all right. Shall I tell you another one?
SUPER-VOLD: I can't stop you, can I?
YET ANOTHER BIRD: What do you call something that goes black and white, black and white, black and white? A penguin rolling down a hill! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!! That's one of my best ones!
SUPER-VOLD: Really? My God. Incredible. What a lot of fun you must be at parties.
YET ANOTHER BIRD: Thank you. But my best one is this one –
SUPER-VOLD: Oh no, you don't have to tell me -
YET ANOTHER BIRD: -What goes ha ha ha clunk! Can't you guess? A centipede with a wooded leg HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! That one's just hysterically funny! It's my best one!
SUPER-VOLD: Heaven help us all……
WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO SUPER-VOLD? WILL HE EVER ESCAPE FROM YET ANOTHER BIRD?
YET ANOTHER BIRD: No, don't go! There's this other joke I know, about a waiter and a bowl of soup-
WE'VE HEARD IT BEFORE. WILL SUPER-VOLD EVER GET TO TESCO AND PUT OUT THE TERRIBLE FIRE, WHICH, IN CASE ANYONE'S INTERESTED, IS STILL BURNING?
SUPER-VOLD: Bloody hell – I'd forgotten about that!
WILL SUPER-VOLD FIND A WAY TO GET HOME AND FINISH HIS READY-BREK?
SUPER-VOLD: But I haven't forgotten about that.
WILL HEAVEN HELP US ALL?!!
GOD: Huh?…What?……...-oh sure……...whatever….
FIND OUT IN NEXT WEEK'S EXCITING EPISODE OF…………….SUPER-VOLD!
A/n I warned you!
Disclaimer: The Tesco car park belongs to Tesco, Ready-Brek belongs to Ready-Brek, and is really disgusting, (so don't eat it,) Super-Vold and friends are sort of owned by me, because I'm the twisted person who made them do really silly things, (which should not be tried at home, kids!) but, before lawyers and judges start crashing down on my head,( which is kinda painful,) J.K. Rowling owns most of them. The Motor Hoover belongs to Super-Vold, as do his underpants, I'm glad to say, Heaven belongs to…….God! And God belongs to………ahmmm…………..- Not sure about that one.