A Fine Day
a Ranma 1/2 Fanfic by Bjorn 1/2 copyright 1987, 1999 by Takahashi Rumiko.
Publishing rights by Shogakukan Inc. (Japan) and Viz Inc. (North America) This work is not intended to infringe those rights, and is done without knowledge or consent of the rights holders.
Thanks to Allyn Yonge and Gary Kleppe for helpful comments.
Comments and criticism can be sent to and will be greatly appreciated.
This fanfic has been certified "100 Angst Free" by the Commission for Humour in Fan Fiction.
It has been said that life is no more than a constant struggle to overcome adversity. As with many things supposedly said by anonymous individuals, this has been subject to much philosophical debate. Some believe that the hardship is a test of one's fitness; others argue that it is a process in which we become stronger or die trying.
Still others, perhaps wiser, perhaps more cynical, say: who cares? The point is that just when you think you're on top of things, life will glue a bomb to the underside of your tongue and then light the fuse.
Consider, for example, this morning. At the Tendo family table, food was vanishing. Since it was vanishing into Ranma, no one thought too much of this. Behind the barely visible blur of chopsticks, however, something was amiss.
It was subtle, true. In fact, no one had quite put their finger on what exactly was different, but the difference was there, and the disruption of the normal harmony was making everyone at the table uncomfortable. Not surprisingly,
then, when Akane started, set down her rice bowl, and turned to peer intently at her fiance, a certain relief filled the air.
"Ranma," she said, "why are you in such a good mood"
Relief turned into embarrassment.
The chopstick express stopped as Ranma blinked at the question. He knew the answer perfectly well. Genma had overslept by a precious two minutes that had allowed Ranma to wake up before the traditional bucket of water. To boot,
for almost six months now, Ranma had been falling off balance while executing Wind Over Singing Stones. This morning, while sparring under a cloud-free sky, he had not only figured out what caused the problem, but fixed it, and used the repaired technique to re-acquaint his father with the gravel at the bottom of the koi pond a whole fifteen punches earlier than his previous record. Most glorious of all, he had gotten all the way through to Kasumi's excellent breakfast without once getting wet.
Knowing is not the same as articulating, however, and so Ranma simply shrugged, and grinned at Akane. "Dunno. Just seems like a good day"
Ranma's casually confessed ignorance would normally have prompted Akane to deliver a biting witticism. In fact, she had slid one of her favourites into the chamber and pulled back the hammer when she made the mistake of meeting his gaze. His open smile, equal parts confidence and charm,
forced her head to duck and a blush to her cheeks. Peering up at him through her lashes, she managed a tiny smile and a feeble, "I suppose it is"
Akane's own smile stopped the mood-breaking comment on his tongue, as well as Ranma's mind and heart. Slightly dazed,
he went back to perfecting his disappearing rice trick. The rest of the table followed his lead, if not his methods.
A fine day, indeed."Kasumi"
"Yes, Akane"
Frowning at the three bentos neatly aligned on the counter,
Akane asked, "Did you make Ranma's lunch today"
Kasumi blinked. "Why do you ask"
"I already made his lunch. Remember"
"Oh my!" Kasumi put her fingers to her mouth. "I'd completely forgotten. Well, I wouldn't worry about it. I'm sure I won't have any troubles getting rid of an extra bento." She smiled gently at her sister.
Akane beamed back. "Thanks, Kasumi!" Snatching her bento from the counter and Ranma's from the fridge, she bolted out the door.Two figures pounded down the road. More correctly, one did,
while the other ghosted along the fence-top, but observers who pointed out that discrepancy generally regretted it.
"Ranma! Slow down"
Throwing himself into a roll, Ranma came up in a loose ready stance facing Akane. "What? What's the problem"
"Nothing's wrong," she said, pushing her bangs out of her eyes to look up at him. "We're just early. Look,
Mrs. Takemura hasn't even started washing her walk. There's no need to run"
Ranma did not relax as he thought about that. He had been trained to always be on guard in unusual circumstances.
Being early to school qualified.
Noticing his confusion, Akane explained, "You finished your sparring early this morning. That's all." Well, and there had been no fights over breakfast, but no need to bring that up. "We can walk and still get there when we normally do"
If anything, Ranma seemed more confused. "Oh. But"
"But what"
He fidgeted. "I like to run"
Akane gaped at him, and then a smile brought her jaw up.
"Idiot," she said fondly. "All right, have it your way."
Shampoo pedaled furiously. Just a little more speed,
and... now! Her foot lashed out, caught the fire hydrant,
and pushed up and off to launch the bike in a perfect triple flip onto the rooftop. With no time to spare, she resumed pumping.
The delivery had already been made. They wouldn't need her back at the Nekohanten for a while. But if she jumped this gap, yes, like that, and built up even more speed on the down slope, then she could launch her bike into the air,
eject, and land directly in the loving embrace of her husband!
Unfortunately, as her husband was elsewhere, the not-so-loving embrace of the fence was substituted.
Shampoo's first thought, as she painfully extricated herself, was that it was a good thing her husband wasn't around. Displays like this made people snicker when you started talking about three thousand years of glorious Amazon history.
After dusting herself off, though, her eyes narrowed. Like any good Amazon wife, she knew every detail of her husband's habits and schedules. One had to be able to appear at any point to remind him of the virtues of fidelity, and the ways in which a bonbori could encourage proper behaviour.
Admittedly, the task was a bit harder with Ranma's exploding dung heap of a life, but Shampoo's husband should have been there to protect her from the fence!
If Ranma wasn't here, it could only mean that the violent marriage-breaking pretender of a fiancee had done something terrible to him. Well, that or he was running early, but that was about as likely as... as... as a nice practical Chinese Amazon coming up with a metaphor on the spur of the moment, that's what.
Shampoo dramatically thrust a fist in the air. "No worry,
Airen! Shampoo save you from too-too Violent Girl and mew"
"You do that, dear," Mrs. Takemura encouraged absently as she prepared another ladleful of water.
The cat shook herself dry and stared mournfully at her sodden clothes. Perhaps a trip back to the Nekohanten,
first."Hey, no Kuno," Ranma commented as they slowed down at the gates of Furinkan High.
Akane looked around. "You're right," she said, surprised.
"You know, I always thought he got here long before us.
Well, let's get to class. I want to go over my notes a bit"
"Okay. I could do with a quick nap." Ranma brightened at the prospect.
Akane stared at him. "How much sleep do you need, anyways"Tatewaki Kuno, age 17, Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, strode through the exact middle of the school gates, proceeded to the exact middle of the courtyard, and turned. He would wait here, so that his opponent would have a clear opportunity to see him and tremble in fear before he, the Agent of the Wrath of Heaven, would vanquish the vile sorcerer Saotome.
His knuckles whitened and cracked as his grip tightened around the bokken. Through deception and vile treachery,
the villainous cur had managed to keep both the beauteous Akane Tendo and his pig-tailed goddess enslaved even in the face of o'erwhelming defeat. Today, that hell-wrought magic would come to an end, he swore, or his name was not Tatewaki Kuno, rising star of the kendo world. And with that victory, Akane Tendo would fall to her knees to give gratitude and pay homage to the mighty sword which had ended her foul captivity. And not to be outdone, the pig-tailed goddess would vow to devote her life to polishing and caring for that self-same weapon. And then... then... this! And possibly that! And certainly a whole bunch of those!
Preoccupied with his fantasies and fighting back the rising tide of drool, Kuno did not notice the school bell until classes had already started. When he did, the burning feeling rose somewhat in his body to mutate into anger.
That despicable sorcerer had tricked Tatewaki Kuno,
Lightning of the Gods! He had ignored an honourable challenge, and left Tatewaki Kuno, Upperclassman, trapped in front of the school! Which could only mean that the dog was elsewhere. Most likely -- Kuno's eyes widened -- inflicting some evil upon the wondrous pig-tailed goddess! Like this,
and that, and those!
The bokken rose above his head, to greet the commandments descending from heaven. "Saotome!" Kuno trumpeted. "This shall not go unpunished"Ranma had been early. So had everyone else, but Principal Kuno really cared about Ranma. On the day that he had chosen to specially enforce the tardiness regulations, on the day with the really dirty bathrooms, Ranma had shown up early. It was obviously a plot aimed at ruining the principal's mood. He sighed and fingered his lei,
remembering. The toilets had even been rigged with exploding pineapples.
As he stood on the roof of the school, surveying his domain,
the Principal's face hardened. Ranma might have escaped this time, but not for good. Today, that little troublemaker was going down.
A shout from below caught his attention. Looking over the edge, he began to tear up.
"Oh, Tacchi," he sniffled, "not wantin' all the Kahuna's effort ta be wasted? What a good son you are, yeah"Akane looked up from her chemistry notes, grateful for any distraction. "Ranma, did you hear something"
Ranma continued to blissfully snore.
"Of course you didn't"Mousse's abnormally sharp ears picked up the pad of footsteps across the floor. Dropping the crate of onions,
he turned, shouting, "Shampoo, my love"
His hearing was more than sharp enough to tell the difference between a cat and a woman walking.
Unfortunately, his brain sometimes had a hard time keeping up.
The cat picked herself up off the floor and strutted into the kitchen. Shampoo returned a few seconds later, picked up the crate, and dropped it on the still-comatose Mousse's head. "Mousse no trip on Shampoo," she sniffed.
"Sorry, my love"
She contemplated kicking him once on general principles, and then did it twice for fun instead. Drawing her foot back for a third, she remembered the events of the morning, and kicked the hidden weapons master twice as hard. "Aiyah!
Stupid Mousse make Shampoo forget what she doing"
Ignoring him as he struggled to his feet, she bounced over to the kitchen. "Great-Grandmother! Shampoo go out for rest of day. Is important"
"All right, Shampoo. Try and be back before the evening rush, hey"
Already bolting for the door, Shampoo yelled out an acknowledgment. "Wait," Mousse croaked. Clearing his throat, he tried again. "Shampoo! Where are you going"
"Ranma," came back the fading reply. "Is too-too terrible!" Mousse froze.
It was a constant gall in his existence that Ranma Saotome had so horrifically abused the laws of the Amazons to steal his rightful bride away. Watching the woman he loved throw herself at the monster's feet in blind obedience to tradition was worse. Now, to discover that Ranma not only abused the laws, but Shampoo as well... no one could hurt his Shampoo! He rose to his feet and clawed at the sky.
"Saotome!" he began.
A bucket's worth of water drowned out his tirade, and a hurtling kettle knocked him to the ground. He set about awkwardly flapping loose of his robes. Of course the kettle would be empty, he thought bitterly. He looked up to quack his frustration, and Cologne's gaze stapled him to the ground.
"Mousse..." she ground out as she advanced, her staff clicking ominously.
The duck gulped and huddled deeper within his wings.
"Where are those damn onions"Ranma stretched contentedly, his hands behind his head. It had been an excellent nap, since none of his teachers had seen fit to wake him up. Not that it was really his fault he'd accidentally thrown a Moko Takabisha when Mr. Konishi had thrown an eraser at his head yesterday. No one got hurt, after all.
Still, now it was lunchtime. Meals were always a highlight of Ranma's day, but he was especially looking forward to this one. For, coming in to clean up after sparring, he'd snuck a look inside the bentos that Kasumi had prepared.
In Ranma's perspective, any food not actually prepared by Akane was good food. In that realm of low standards,
Kasumi's cooking reached a lofty pinnacle. Were she to set half-rotted shark meat before him, Ranma would cheerfully devour it, confident that it would be among the best meals he had ever inhaled. However, even Kasumi had some dishes she did better than others.
The first time Ranma had eaten Kasumi's vegetable tempura,
he had sworn that this was the reason he studied martial arts: to make sure that no one, not even his fat, thieving panda of a father, could steal this food away from him.
Ranma noticed a vaguely nervous and expectant expression on Akane's face as she set his bento in front of him, but thought little of it. Most of the Tendo family had a similar look when the tempura was served for dinner, right before they dove for cover.
From across the room, however, Ukyo immediately realized that Akane, not Kasumi, had prepared the lunch in front of Ranma. Pulling out her portable grill, she bustled over.
Ranchan would appreciate her okonomiyaki even more than usual today, she thought happily. Trying to decide between pork and shrimp, she failed to consider cow, in the form of a leather bookbag lying in the aisle.
Breaking out his chopsticks, Ranma saw Ukyo disappear between two desks out of the corner of his eye. Briefly distracted from impending ecstasy, he stood up to look over.
"Ucchan"
Her grill, freed from its mistress' grasp, descended from the sky to strike a blow for the culinary arts everywhere.
Akane stared at the mangled ruins of her efforts seeping across the desk. She had worked so hard on this, and was convinced that this would be the meal that would finally make Ranma admit she could cook. Now it was gone, destroyed by that, that, bimbo! Ranma had probably arranged for it,
just to avoid eating her food! Akane was quite aware she wasn't the best chef, but she tried, and this one would have been okay, she knew it, but no, he just had to go get one of his girlfriends to help humiliate her, and.
"Hey," Ranma barked.
And now would come the insults, when he'd open his mouth and say exactly the wrong thing in front of everybody, and crush her feelings, the insensitive jerk, and here it comes, just like.
"I wanted ta eat that"
No, not like that. Moron. Couldn't he even insult her properly?
It took a few seconds for his words to kick down the doors of Akane's insecurity fit. She gasped, "Really, Ranma"
His irritation faded as he looked at Akane's desperately hopeful face. "Uh, yeah. I mean, why not? Saw it this mornin'. Looked good, smelled good." He scratched his head.
Akane's heart soared. "Oh, Ranma"
Sweating, Ranma tried to figure out current events in the form of a short-haired ecstatic girl with a rapidly climbing cute factor. His eyes widened as realization hit. Wait a minute. Did... did Akane... did Akane like Kasumi's vegetable tempura as much as he did?
Wow.
Ukyo rushed over. "Sorry, Ranchan! I tripped. Here, let me make you some okonomiyaki to..." Her voice trailed off as she forcibly ripped her grill from the bento shards, and then she shrieked. "My grill! Look what that food did to my grill"
Ranma's head snapped around. Ucchan was his friend, sure,
and if that had been Akane's cooking, that comment would be perfectly acceptable. No one, however, mocked Kasumi's vegetable tempura while he still breathed. "Don't you dare say nothin' bad about my lunch," he warned her, finger raised.
Ukyo started back. "Um, sorry, sugar. But look at my grill! It's been eaten almost clear through." Her shoulders drooped. "I can't make anything on this"
Her obvious misery flustered Ranma. "Um, sorry ta hear that." His stomach growled. "Real sorry"
A bento suddenly appeared, floating before his eyes. That's funny, he thought, eyes glazing. Hunger hallucinations don't usually start until the third day.
Nabiki stepped around him, still holding the lunch box out.
"Hungry, Ranma?" she smirked. She put her finger to her chin thoughtfully, then grinned at him. "I suppose I could sell my lunch to you, then buy something for myself. Shall we say five thousand yen"
Tearing his eyes from the little bundle of pleasure, Ranma scowled at her, but they both knew the answer. It was vegetable tempura. He would pay any price. The money was thrust out at Nabiki.
Still looking each other in the eye, Ranma and Nabiki became perfectly still. Everything was perfectly normal about this transaction, except... the money wasn't coming from Ranma's hand. They both regarded Ukyo incredulously.
"Here," she offered. "I ruined Ranchan's lunch, and my grill's ruined, so I can't make up for it that way. I'll pay"
Nabiki shrugged. "Fine by me." If she'd known Ukyo would be paying, she would have charged more. Still, five thousand was a pretty good return on a spare lunch she'd grabbed off the kitchen counter. Speaking of which, time to get her own from her locker. "See you guys later"
Watching Ranma tear into his lunch, Akane couldn't help glowing. He might not have eaten her lunch, but he'd wanted to.
The same sight couldn't but depress Ukyo. First Ranchan had gotten inexplicably angry at her for rescuing him from Akane's culinary experiment. Then her grill had been ruined. Now she was out five thousand yen replacing his lunch, and he hadn't even bothered to say, "thank you"
Ranma was in heaven. Not even disaster had managed to keep his vegetable tempura away. What a great day.Mousse's breath quickened. Vengeance was at hand! He adjusted his path slightly and leapt into the air.
Descending from out of the sun, he pulled a massive broadsword out of his sleeve. Or at least, someplace close to his sleeve, though presumably much bigger.
"Saotome," he screamed, "prepare to suffer for daring to hurt my Shampoo"
With a final snarl, he lashed out with a sweeping overhead strike, cleaving cleanly through Saotome. As Mouse landed lightly on his feet, a spray burst from his fallen foe,
drenching him in.
Paper?
Mouse fumbled his glasses into place and watched the two halves of the crimson mailbox fall apart. Oh well, he thought, at least it wasn't another fire hydrant."And so, in this sentence, the subject is... Wah! This book is too big! Why is the book so big? My mangas are the perfect size"
English was not going well for Ranma. Normally, of course,
he could sleep through it. Unfortunately, between all the extra sleep he'd managed to get this morning, and the fact that he'd yet to have a fight beyond his abbreviated sparring session this morning, he was currently wide awake.
Now he was faced with a problem: what, exactly, did one do in class to stave off boredom?
He looked over at Akane, who was busy scribbling notes.
That's right, he realized. You pay attention.
"Right. So the subject is Marvin, which means... Marvin?
What a stupid name. Is there a picture of Marvin anywhere in the book? I bet he looks really silly"
His attention drifted out the window, and he stared at a very unremarkable tree for a few minutes. Then he sighed.
The oak had failed to disgorge an army of stealthy ninja, or transform into a humongous war machine, or even show signs of becoming a tasteless cross-dresser. Oh well. No hope for it.
He looked at the blackboard, and started writing things down. Soon, he found himself enthralled. Not by the English itself, of course, which he personally found pointless and idiotic. Ms. Hinako, however, had the attention span of a rabid hummingbird in a sugar factory.
Following her discontinuous chain of thought, discarding the irrelevant bits, and writing it down in a coherent way required a singleness of mental focus that reminded Ranma of the Soul of Ice. It wasn't physical training, true, but it was training none the less.
Anything Goes Martial Arts Note-Taking, he thought happily,
and went back to work.Flitting from one end of the chalkboard to the other,
Ms. Hinako took a second to eye the pig-tailed boy near the back of the class distrustfully. There was a stained desk covered in wooden shards tucked semi-discreetly into the corner of the room, which was a bad thing, because she'd have to replace it at the end of the day, which meant that she might miss Sailor Moon, and that was her favourite show,
except for the one about cooking desserts. The ruined desk meant something had happened over the lunch break, something more than people eating, that is, which is what she had done, and what a yummy meal she'd had. And when things happened, Ranma was usually to blame. So what was he up to?
On one hand, he was paying attention in class, which was good. All students should pay attention in class, except a few should misbehave, so she could drain them. Or if they brought chocolate. Or a cute balloon. Did they make chocolate balloons? Those would be wonderful!
On the other hand, this was Ranma Saotome. He never paid attention in class. In fact, the last time she could remember him looking at the blackboard had been last week,
right before the boy with the bandanna had burst right through it. That had been fun! Not only did she get to drain almost all of the class trying to calm things down,
but the bandanna boy had lots of candy in his backpack!
It was like going to a carnival, except there were no rides and the leather smelled really bad! Well, some carnivals smelled bad too. But candy never did!
Regretfully, she decided that declaring Ranma to be a delinquent for simply paying attention in class would probably set a bad precedent. She vowed to herself to pay close attention, though. When his true delinquency came to light, she'd be there, ready to stop it.
Then she was distracted.Frustrated, Shampoo kicked the swing set, though not hard enough to dent it. She looked around the park again. She'd spent most of the day hunting for her husband, and still hadn't found him. Obviously, the violent pretender had taken her husband and hidden him well. She'd looked almost everywhere, and still found no sign of him.
There was one avenue yet to be explored. Moodily scratching at the ground with the shaft of her bonbori, Shampoo decided that she probably should have gone there first. It was hard to believe that her foe would show so little imagination,
though. She leapt onto the top of the jungle gym, to a nearby tree, and then sped across town.
Racing over rooftops, she sighed. Beat people up until a man beat her up, kiss the man, get married, have lots of children, and then beat people up side by side with her husband. A nice simple life. Was that too much to ask for?
Landing in front of her destination, she took a deep breath and composed herself. I am an Amazon, she recited. I am a warrior. I am fear and death incarnate. I am unstoppable.
Then, grinning brightly, she broke down the front wall of the Tendo home. "Nihao! No ramen delivery this time. Am looking for Airen"
Half buried under dust and woodchips, Genma Saotome and Soun Tendo stared at her inscrutably. Then, with great dignity,
the panda lifted a sign. 'He's not here right now'
The Amazon's smile widened and fixed on Genma.
Instinctively, he looked around, but his cute l'il panda tire was on the other side of the room. Damn.
Shampoo stepped closer. "When Shampoo comes in, Shampoo looks around," she remarked conversationally. "Am seeing Crying Man. Am seeing Panda Man. No see husband." Another step. "So Shampoo already know husband not here"
Without moving her lips, she stopped smiling. "Panda Man want to tell Shampoo something Shampoo not know"
The threat was unnecessary. Genma had by now betrayed his son so often that it was instinctive. The sign flipped around in his hand. 'He's at school'
The departed smile quality returned to Shampoo's bared teeth. "Thank you!" she chirped. "Bye bye"
Alone on the rooftops again, she let the wind wash the smile away and replace it with a grimace. It had never occurred to her that the savage homewrecker would haul Shampoo's injured husband to school and risk the spatula-wielding harlot's wrath. A whole day wasted for overestimating the enemy's intelligence.
Still, she consoled herself, imagine how much slower things would be going if Mousse was tagging along?
She wondered briefly at a geyser climbing into the sky before flying on.Mousse's robes dropped out of his beak as he sneezed. Why couldn't they just paint the damn fire hydrants yellow?Ukyo brooded at her desk. Things had not gone well, she was forced to grudgingly admit. Ruining Ranchan's lunch, even by accident, was a bad move. Not at all the act of a cute fiancee, even if she didn't understand why he was so vigorously defending a lunch made by Akane.
Oh sure, she'd paid to replace it. That didn't really matter, though. The problem was that Ranchan didn't really understand money. It went into his pocket, it left his pocket, and that was really about it as far as he was concerned. To him, the only real difference between five and five thousand yen was that he was much more likely to have five on him.
What Ranchan did understand was food, and the food had come from Nabiki. That was what he would remember. Besides,
there was nothing cute about emptying your wallet.
Well, Ukyo wasn't about to lose, even over something as trivial as this. She'd feed Ranchan dinner tonight, as an apology. In fact -- she swallowed nervously for a second -
they wouldn't even eat at her restaurant. She'd close down for the night, and she'd take him out to a nice place.
They'd have a quiet evening eating some quality food.
Almost like... a date.
The queasiness at losing a night's business faded at that thought. This was a godsend, really. Ukyo and Ranchan,
spending the night on a date, with a perfectly acceptable excuse, so Ranchan wouldn't have to feel any remorse about that stupid arrangement with the Tendos. Dreams about pleasant conversation over sushi quickly escalated into full-blown fantasies of little pig-tailed children running around the family restaurant.
"Oh, yes," she whispered, "tonight, Ranchan, you will be mine"
"What was that, Miss Kuonji"
Panicked, Ukyo's attention snapped back to reality.
"Nothing, Miss Hinako," she stuttered. "I was, uh, just thinking about my, uh, new recipe for... for chocolate okonomiyaki"
In a flash, Miss Hinako replaced Ukyo's desk, which landed on some unfortunate two rows back. "Chocolate.
okonomiyaki?" she quivered.
Relaxing, Ukyo nodded. "Sure thing. Want me to get my spare grill from my locker"Anything Goes Martial Arts Note-Taking wasn't a challenge when the teacher could keep on topic for more than two minutes at a time. So now Ranma was writing by tapping his pencil at the page, creating strokes made up of dozens of minuscule dots. Since he wasn't allowing himself to make any noise, it made great control training as well as speed conditioning.
He'd never realized how much fun school could be if you put a little work into it.
He absently paused to let his desk settle after an explosion rocked the school. Geez, that was what, the sixth one today? He shook his head. At least it ain't happening to me.Drenched, Kuno glared at the remains of the stall. The gushing hulk of the toilet had washed off the worst of the pineapple juice, but he was uninclined to be charitable about his circumstances. The principal had sentenced him to clean the bathrooms as punishment for being late, vowing to send the vile Ranma Saotome to join him in the hellish labour. The entirety of the day had passed, however, and Kuno had yet to see opportunity to wreak his vengeance.
"Enough with this!" he roared, throwing his mop to one side.
"The righteous quest bestowed to me by Heaven has been stayed long enough. I must be off, for, yea, the heavens do weep and inundate me in their sorrows, and their tears shall not cease until such time as the pig-tailed goddess is freed to profess her love and adoration for the paragon of manliness that is the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High"
Producing a bokken, he went for the door. Catching a glimpse of his waterlogged visage in the mirror, he slid to a stop and preened briefly.
The mirror fell off the wall, to release another wave of water that bowled Kuno over. He struggled to his feet just as the principal stepped off his surfboard. "'Ey, now,
Tacchi," he growled, hair clippers at the ready, "ain't no bad keiki goin' nowhere till they finish cleanin' da toilets"
"Abomination of a father," Kuno spat, "you will not be the one to stop me"
Father and son circled each other warily. At an unspoken agreement, they charged each other, shears and bokken blurring. It was a battle that Jubei Yagyu would have cheered for, which could have impressed Musashi Miyamoto,
that would bring a tear to the eye of Lancelot du Lac.
For before they made contact, the four remaining pineapple bombs in the toilets went off, and even dead swordsmen don't like the Kunos.
Spluttering, Kuno pushed himself up against the wall. He had been blown out of the bathroom and into the hallway,
which took a few moments to sink in. When it did, he fell back to his knees.
"Truly, this is a sign!" he wept. "For the tears of heaven have become a fearsome tsunami, which drives me towards my noble goal!" Surging to his feet, he proclaimed, "Fear not,
my pig-tailed glory! Your emancipation is at hand"
He sprinted down the hall, in search of the vile sorcerer.
Behind him, in the bathroom, the rubble shifted. The principal sat up, ceramic dust obscuring the loud print of his shirt, and pushed his sunglasses up his nose with a furiously trembling finger.
"Ooo, Tacchi," he hissed, "you one bad keiki"Bustling through her home economics class, Akane felt like singing. Ranma had liked her lunch! He liked the way it looked, he liked the way it smelled, he had wanted to eat it! She reddened slightly at the memory. It was quite arguably the nicest thing he had ever said to her.
There was only one way to show her appreciation. These
cookies were going to be perfect.
The screams of her classmates returned her attention to the here and now. "Stupid defective ovens," she muttered to herself as she beat out the flames.The bell rang out the end of school, and Ranma relaxedly arched over the back of the chair. The point-writing drill had been tiring, especially when he started doing it two-handed. Definitely good training, though. Between that and his morning nap, he hadn't had so much fun at school for weeks.
"Actually," he said out loud, "this has been a pretty good day all round." Then he stiffened, and sweat began to bead on his forehead.
Off in the distance, a muffled explosion shook the building,
followed by another, and then a third, each closer than the other.
A tic spasmed under Ranma's eye, as his muscles desperately prepared for an escape attempt. But which way to flee?
Then the chalkboard caved in, and it was too late. From behind the curtain of dust resounded a familiar cry.
"Airen"
Still paralyzed by fear, Ranma had no chance of evading Shampoo's diving glomp. "Oh, Airen! Shampoo so worried.
Airen okay?" Defying a few laws of physics to snuggle even closer, she pouted up at him. "Airen very bad boy to worry wife. Take wife out on date to say sorry, yes"
Ranma wondered if you could suffer rigor mortis while still alive. Maybe he could just die. It would probably be less painful.
"Oh, no, you don't!" Ukyo had intended to approach Ranchan cautiously, set it up in front of everyone as a 'two buddies night out' thing, but the Chinese bimbo had forced her hand.
"Ranchan's going on a date with me, so I can apologize for ruining his lunch! Right, Ranchan?" She scraped up every erg of cuteness in her soul and poured it into one dazzling smile.
Kuno skidded into the room, dripping wet. "Saotome, you cur!" he yelled. "You take a respite from your sacrilegious torments of the majestic pig-tailed goddess to seduce more fair maidens with your wizardly charms! No more! For the gods have sent me on a mission of mercy, and blessed me with their holy waters! Today, you fall"
He should move, he should say something, Ranma knew. Too bad his body wasn't cooperating. Had Kodachi already stopped by?
Out of the book closet popped the principal, on whom water and dust were combining to form a rapidly-hardening plaster armour. His sunglasses glinted as he took in the scene. He had been in hard pursuit of his disobedient son, but this was too good a cocoanut to pass over. "Makin' out on school property is against the rules," he gleefully exclaimed, "and keiki breakin' the rules is a bad keiki"
Beside Ranma's ear, the window burst open. Landing among the tinkling shards of glass, Mousse rose from his crouch,
pointed dramatically at Ranma, and opened his mouth. He then closed it, peered closely, and asked in a worried tone of voice, "Are you a fire hydrant"
That shut even Kuno up.
"What?" Mentally, Ranma slapped himself. Of all times for his voice to come back.
Relief was quickly chased off Mousse's face by righteous anger. "Ranma Saotome," he bellowed, "for hurting my Shampoo, you will die!" Ranma threw himself into a sideways roll to dodge the axe that swept through his desk. Unfortunately, since Shampoo refused to let go of his neck, the maneuver didn't quite go as planned, and he ended up sprawled out on top of the undeniably buxom Amazon.
"Oh, Airen," she cooed, inhaling sharply.
Aw, shit. Ranma closed his eyes and began a mental countdown to the inevitable. Three, two, one.
"RANMA"
There we go. He looked over at the door to see Akane angrily fighting back tears, holding a plate of... something. At least it wasn't moving, though it was smoking a bit.
"How could you? And after I made cookies just for you!
You jerk!" She huffed, and turned her back.
"No, wait, Akane! It's not what it looks like!" Ranma alternated between vigorous denials and desperately trying to worm free of the Amazon's embrace. Neither worked.
"Fear, not Akane Tendo! I shall heal your heart by teaching you the true paths of romance! Date with me"
"Get your hands off my Ranchan, bimbo"
"Bad keiki gettin' a haircut, yeah"
"Spatula Girl not getting Airen! Want fight"
"Do not ignore me, Saotome! I shall prove my love for Shampoo on your body"
"DELINQUENTS"
"Mousse shut up"
"Back off, Kuno"
"Go back to China"
"SAOTOME"
"Good girl exercise number one"
Ranma whimpered. It had been such a fine day.
The End
Publishing rights by Shogakukan Inc. (Japan) and Viz Inc. (North America) This work is not intended to infringe those rights, and is done without knowledge or consent of the rights holders.
Thanks to Allyn Yonge and Gary Kleppe for helpful comments.
Comments and criticism can be sent to and will be greatly appreciated.
This fanfic has been certified "100 Angst Free" by the Commission for Humour in Fan Fiction.
It has been said that life is no more than a constant struggle to overcome adversity. As with many things supposedly said by anonymous individuals, this has been subject to much philosophical debate. Some believe that the hardship is a test of one's fitness; others argue that it is a process in which we become stronger or die trying.
Still others, perhaps wiser, perhaps more cynical, say: who cares? The point is that just when you think you're on top of things, life will glue a bomb to the underside of your tongue and then light the fuse.
Consider, for example, this morning. At the Tendo family table, food was vanishing. Since it was vanishing into Ranma, no one thought too much of this. Behind the barely visible blur of chopsticks, however, something was amiss.
It was subtle, true. In fact, no one had quite put their finger on what exactly was different, but the difference was there, and the disruption of the normal harmony was making everyone at the table uncomfortable. Not surprisingly,
then, when Akane started, set down her rice bowl, and turned to peer intently at her fiance, a certain relief filled the air.
"Ranma," she said, "why are you in such a good mood"
Relief turned into embarrassment.
The chopstick express stopped as Ranma blinked at the question. He knew the answer perfectly well. Genma had overslept by a precious two minutes that had allowed Ranma to wake up before the traditional bucket of water. To boot,
for almost six months now, Ranma had been falling off balance while executing Wind Over Singing Stones. This morning, while sparring under a cloud-free sky, he had not only figured out what caused the problem, but fixed it, and used the repaired technique to re-acquaint his father with the gravel at the bottom of the koi pond a whole fifteen punches earlier than his previous record. Most glorious of all, he had gotten all the way through to Kasumi's excellent breakfast without once getting wet.
Knowing is not the same as articulating, however, and so Ranma simply shrugged, and grinned at Akane. "Dunno. Just seems like a good day"
Ranma's casually confessed ignorance would normally have prompted Akane to deliver a biting witticism. In fact, she had slid one of her favourites into the chamber and pulled back the hammer when she made the mistake of meeting his gaze. His open smile, equal parts confidence and charm,
forced her head to duck and a blush to her cheeks. Peering up at him through her lashes, she managed a tiny smile and a feeble, "I suppose it is"
Akane's own smile stopped the mood-breaking comment on his tongue, as well as Ranma's mind and heart. Slightly dazed,
he went back to perfecting his disappearing rice trick. The rest of the table followed his lead, if not his methods.
A fine day, indeed."Kasumi"
"Yes, Akane"
Frowning at the three bentos neatly aligned on the counter,
Akane asked, "Did you make Ranma's lunch today"
Kasumi blinked. "Why do you ask"
"I already made his lunch. Remember"
"Oh my!" Kasumi put her fingers to her mouth. "I'd completely forgotten. Well, I wouldn't worry about it. I'm sure I won't have any troubles getting rid of an extra bento." She smiled gently at her sister.
Akane beamed back. "Thanks, Kasumi!" Snatching her bento from the counter and Ranma's from the fridge, she bolted out the door.Two figures pounded down the road. More correctly, one did,
while the other ghosted along the fence-top, but observers who pointed out that discrepancy generally regretted it.
"Ranma! Slow down"
Throwing himself into a roll, Ranma came up in a loose ready stance facing Akane. "What? What's the problem"
"Nothing's wrong," she said, pushing her bangs out of her eyes to look up at him. "We're just early. Look,
Mrs. Takemura hasn't even started washing her walk. There's no need to run"
Ranma did not relax as he thought about that. He had been trained to always be on guard in unusual circumstances.
Being early to school qualified.
Noticing his confusion, Akane explained, "You finished your sparring early this morning. That's all." Well, and there had been no fights over breakfast, but no need to bring that up. "We can walk and still get there when we normally do"
If anything, Ranma seemed more confused. "Oh. But"
"But what"
He fidgeted. "I like to run"
Akane gaped at him, and then a smile brought her jaw up.
"Idiot," she said fondly. "All right, have it your way."
Shampoo pedaled furiously. Just a little more speed,
and... now! Her foot lashed out, caught the fire hydrant,
and pushed up and off to launch the bike in a perfect triple flip onto the rooftop. With no time to spare, she resumed pumping.
The delivery had already been made. They wouldn't need her back at the Nekohanten for a while. But if she jumped this gap, yes, like that, and built up even more speed on the down slope, then she could launch her bike into the air,
eject, and land directly in the loving embrace of her husband!
Unfortunately, as her husband was elsewhere, the not-so-loving embrace of the fence was substituted.
Shampoo's first thought, as she painfully extricated herself, was that it was a good thing her husband wasn't around. Displays like this made people snicker when you started talking about three thousand years of glorious Amazon history.
After dusting herself off, though, her eyes narrowed. Like any good Amazon wife, she knew every detail of her husband's habits and schedules. One had to be able to appear at any point to remind him of the virtues of fidelity, and the ways in which a bonbori could encourage proper behaviour.
Admittedly, the task was a bit harder with Ranma's exploding dung heap of a life, but Shampoo's husband should have been there to protect her from the fence!
If Ranma wasn't here, it could only mean that the violent marriage-breaking pretender of a fiancee had done something terrible to him. Well, that or he was running early, but that was about as likely as... as... as a nice practical Chinese Amazon coming up with a metaphor on the spur of the moment, that's what.
Shampoo dramatically thrust a fist in the air. "No worry,
Airen! Shampoo save you from too-too Violent Girl and mew"
"You do that, dear," Mrs. Takemura encouraged absently as she prepared another ladleful of water.
The cat shook herself dry and stared mournfully at her sodden clothes. Perhaps a trip back to the Nekohanten,
first."Hey, no Kuno," Ranma commented as they slowed down at the gates of Furinkan High.
Akane looked around. "You're right," she said, surprised.
"You know, I always thought he got here long before us.
Well, let's get to class. I want to go over my notes a bit"
"Okay. I could do with a quick nap." Ranma brightened at the prospect.
Akane stared at him. "How much sleep do you need, anyways"Tatewaki Kuno, age 17, Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, strode through the exact middle of the school gates, proceeded to the exact middle of the courtyard, and turned. He would wait here, so that his opponent would have a clear opportunity to see him and tremble in fear before he, the Agent of the Wrath of Heaven, would vanquish the vile sorcerer Saotome.
His knuckles whitened and cracked as his grip tightened around the bokken. Through deception and vile treachery,
the villainous cur had managed to keep both the beauteous Akane Tendo and his pig-tailed goddess enslaved even in the face of o'erwhelming defeat. Today, that hell-wrought magic would come to an end, he swore, or his name was not Tatewaki Kuno, rising star of the kendo world. And with that victory, Akane Tendo would fall to her knees to give gratitude and pay homage to the mighty sword which had ended her foul captivity. And not to be outdone, the pig-tailed goddess would vow to devote her life to polishing and caring for that self-same weapon. And then... then... this! And possibly that! And certainly a whole bunch of those!
Preoccupied with his fantasies and fighting back the rising tide of drool, Kuno did not notice the school bell until classes had already started. When he did, the burning feeling rose somewhat in his body to mutate into anger.
That despicable sorcerer had tricked Tatewaki Kuno,
Lightning of the Gods! He had ignored an honourable challenge, and left Tatewaki Kuno, Upperclassman, trapped in front of the school! Which could only mean that the dog was elsewhere. Most likely -- Kuno's eyes widened -- inflicting some evil upon the wondrous pig-tailed goddess! Like this,
and that, and those!
The bokken rose above his head, to greet the commandments descending from heaven. "Saotome!" Kuno trumpeted. "This shall not go unpunished"Ranma had been early. So had everyone else, but Principal Kuno really cared about Ranma. On the day that he had chosen to specially enforce the tardiness regulations, on the day with the really dirty bathrooms, Ranma had shown up early. It was obviously a plot aimed at ruining the principal's mood. He sighed and fingered his lei,
remembering. The toilets had even been rigged with exploding pineapples.
As he stood on the roof of the school, surveying his domain,
the Principal's face hardened. Ranma might have escaped this time, but not for good. Today, that little troublemaker was going down.
A shout from below caught his attention. Looking over the edge, he began to tear up.
"Oh, Tacchi," he sniffled, "not wantin' all the Kahuna's effort ta be wasted? What a good son you are, yeah"Akane looked up from her chemistry notes, grateful for any distraction. "Ranma, did you hear something"
Ranma continued to blissfully snore.
"Of course you didn't"Mousse's abnormally sharp ears picked up the pad of footsteps across the floor. Dropping the crate of onions,
he turned, shouting, "Shampoo, my love"
His hearing was more than sharp enough to tell the difference between a cat and a woman walking.
Unfortunately, his brain sometimes had a hard time keeping up.
The cat picked herself up off the floor and strutted into the kitchen. Shampoo returned a few seconds later, picked up the crate, and dropped it on the still-comatose Mousse's head. "Mousse no trip on Shampoo," she sniffed.
"Sorry, my love"
She contemplated kicking him once on general principles, and then did it twice for fun instead. Drawing her foot back for a third, she remembered the events of the morning, and kicked the hidden weapons master twice as hard. "Aiyah!
Stupid Mousse make Shampoo forget what she doing"
Ignoring him as he struggled to his feet, she bounced over to the kitchen. "Great-Grandmother! Shampoo go out for rest of day. Is important"
"All right, Shampoo. Try and be back before the evening rush, hey"
Already bolting for the door, Shampoo yelled out an acknowledgment. "Wait," Mousse croaked. Clearing his throat, he tried again. "Shampoo! Where are you going"
"Ranma," came back the fading reply. "Is too-too terrible!" Mousse froze.
It was a constant gall in his existence that Ranma Saotome had so horrifically abused the laws of the Amazons to steal his rightful bride away. Watching the woman he loved throw herself at the monster's feet in blind obedience to tradition was worse. Now, to discover that Ranma not only abused the laws, but Shampoo as well... no one could hurt his Shampoo! He rose to his feet and clawed at the sky.
"Saotome!" he began.
A bucket's worth of water drowned out his tirade, and a hurtling kettle knocked him to the ground. He set about awkwardly flapping loose of his robes. Of course the kettle would be empty, he thought bitterly. He looked up to quack his frustration, and Cologne's gaze stapled him to the ground.
"Mousse..." she ground out as she advanced, her staff clicking ominously.
The duck gulped and huddled deeper within his wings.
"Where are those damn onions"Ranma stretched contentedly, his hands behind his head. It had been an excellent nap, since none of his teachers had seen fit to wake him up. Not that it was really his fault he'd accidentally thrown a Moko Takabisha when Mr. Konishi had thrown an eraser at his head yesterday. No one got hurt, after all.
Still, now it was lunchtime. Meals were always a highlight of Ranma's day, but he was especially looking forward to this one. For, coming in to clean up after sparring, he'd snuck a look inside the bentos that Kasumi had prepared.
In Ranma's perspective, any food not actually prepared by Akane was good food. In that realm of low standards,
Kasumi's cooking reached a lofty pinnacle. Were she to set half-rotted shark meat before him, Ranma would cheerfully devour it, confident that it would be among the best meals he had ever inhaled. However, even Kasumi had some dishes she did better than others.
The first time Ranma had eaten Kasumi's vegetable tempura,
he had sworn that this was the reason he studied martial arts: to make sure that no one, not even his fat, thieving panda of a father, could steal this food away from him.
Ranma noticed a vaguely nervous and expectant expression on Akane's face as she set his bento in front of him, but thought little of it. Most of the Tendo family had a similar look when the tempura was served for dinner, right before they dove for cover.
From across the room, however, Ukyo immediately realized that Akane, not Kasumi, had prepared the lunch in front of Ranma. Pulling out her portable grill, she bustled over.
Ranchan would appreciate her okonomiyaki even more than usual today, she thought happily. Trying to decide between pork and shrimp, she failed to consider cow, in the form of a leather bookbag lying in the aisle.
Breaking out his chopsticks, Ranma saw Ukyo disappear between two desks out of the corner of his eye. Briefly distracted from impending ecstasy, he stood up to look over.
"Ucchan"
Her grill, freed from its mistress' grasp, descended from the sky to strike a blow for the culinary arts everywhere.
Akane stared at the mangled ruins of her efforts seeping across the desk. She had worked so hard on this, and was convinced that this would be the meal that would finally make Ranma admit she could cook. Now it was gone, destroyed by that, that, bimbo! Ranma had probably arranged for it,
just to avoid eating her food! Akane was quite aware she wasn't the best chef, but she tried, and this one would have been okay, she knew it, but no, he just had to go get one of his girlfriends to help humiliate her, and.
"Hey," Ranma barked.
And now would come the insults, when he'd open his mouth and say exactly the wrong thing in front of everybody, and crush her feelings, the insensitive jerk, and here it comes, just like.
"I wanted ta eat that"
No, not like that. Moron. Couldn't he even insult her properly?
It took a few seconds for his words to kick down the doors of Akane's insecurity fit. She gasped, "Really, Ranma"
His irritation faded as he looked at Akane's desperately hopeful face. "Uh, yeah. I mean, why not? Saw it this mornin'. Looked good, smelled good." He scratched his head.
Akane's heart soared. "Oh, Ranma"
Sweating, Ranma tried to figure out current events in the form of a short-haired ecstatic girl with a rapidly climbing cute factor. His eyes widened as realization hit. Wait a minute. Did... did Akane... did Akane like Kasumi's vegetable tempura as much as he did?
Wow.
Ukyo rushed over. "Sorry, Ranchan! I tripped. Here, let me make you some okonomiyaki to..." Her voice trailed off as she forcibly ripped her grill from the bento shards, and then she shrieked. "My grill! Look what that food did to my grill"
Ranma's head snapped around. Ucchan was his friend, sure,
and if that had been Akane's cooking, that comment would be perfectly acceptable. No one, however, mocked Kasumi's vegetable tempura while he still breathed. "Don't you dare say nothin' bad about my lunch," he warned her, finger raised.
Ukyo started back. "Um, sorry, sugar. But look at my grill! It's been eaten almost clear through." Her shoulders drooped. "I can't make anything on this"
Her obvious misery flustered Ranma. "Um, sorry ta hear that." His stomach growled. "Real sorry"
A bento suddenly appeared, floating before his eyes. That's funny, he thought, eyes glazing. Hunger hallucinations don't usually start until the third day.
Nabiki stepped around him, still holding the lunch box out.
"Hungry, Ranma?" she smirked. She put her finger to her chin thoughtfully, then grinned at him. "I suppose I could sell my lunch to you, then buy something for myself. Shall we say five thousand yen"
Tearing his eyes from the little bundle of pleasure, Ranma scowled at her, but they both knew the answer. It was vegetable tempura. He would pay any price. The money was thrust out at Nabiki.
Still looking each other in the eye, Ranma and Nabiki became perfectly still. Everything was perfectly normal about this transaction, except... the money wasn't coming from Ranma's hand. They both regarded Ukyo incredulously.
"Here," she offered. "I ruined Ranchan's lunch, and my grill's ruined, so I can't make up for it that way. I'll pay"
Nabiki shrugged. "Fine by me." If she'd known Ukyo would be paying, she would have charged more. Still, five thousand was a pretty good return on a spare lunch she'd grabbed off the kitchen counter. Speaking of which, time to get her own from her locker. "See you guys later"
Watching Ranma tear into his lunch, Akane couldn't help glowing. He might not have eaten her lunch, but he'd wanted to.
The same sight couldn't but depress Ukyo. First Ranchan had gotten inexplicably angry at her for rescuing him from Akane's culinary experiment. Then her grill had been ruined. Now she was out five thousand yen replacing his lunch, and he hadn't even bothered to say, "thank you"
Ranma was in heaven. Not even disaster had managed to keep his vegetable tempura away. What a great day.Mousse's breath quickened. Vengeance was at hand! He adjusted his path slightly and leapt into the air.
Descending from out of the sun, he pulled a massive broadsword out of his sleeve. Or at least, someplace close to his sleeve, though presumably much bigger.
"Saotome," he screamed, "prepare to suffer for daring to hurt my Shampoo"
With a final snarl, he lashed out with a sweeping overhead strike, cleaving cleanly through Saotome. As Mouse landed lightly on his feet, a spray burst from his fallen foe,
drenching him in.
Paper?
Mouse fumbled his glasses into place and watched the two halves of the crimson mailbox fall apart. Oh well, he thought, at least it wasn't another fire hydrant."And so, in this sentence, the subject is... Wah! This book is too big! Why is the book so big? My mangas are the perfect size"
English was not going well for Ranma. Normally, of course,
he could sleep through it. Unfortunately, between all the extra sleep he'd managed to get this morning, and the fact that he'd yet to have a fight beyond his abbreviated sparring session this morning, he was currently wide awake.
Now he was faced with a problem: what, exactly, did one do in class to stave off boredom?
He looked over at Akane, who was busy scribbling notes.
That's right, he realized. You pay attention.
"Right. So the subject is Marvin, which means... Marvin?
What a stupid name. Is there a picture of Marvin anywhere in the book? I bet he looks really silly"
His attention drifted out the window, and he stared at a very unremarkable tree for a few minutes. Then he sighed.
The oak had failed to disgorge an army of stealthy ninja, or transform into a humongous war machine, or even show signs of becoming a tasteless cross-dresser. Oh well. No hope for it.
He looked at the blackboard, and started writing things down. Soon, he found himself enthralled. Not by the English itself, of course, which he personally found pointless and idiotic. Ms. Hinako, however, had the attention span of a rabid hummingbird in a sugar factory.
Following her discontinuous chain of thought, discarding the irrelevant bits, and writing it down in a coherent way required a singleness of mental focus that reminded Ranma of the Soul of Ice. It wasn't physical training, true, but it was training none the less.
Anything Goes Martial Arts Note-Taking, he thought happily,
and went back to work.Flitting from one end of the chalkboard to the other,
Ms. Hinako took a second to eye the pig-tailed boy near the back of the class distrustfully. There was a stained desk covered in wooden shards tucked semi-discreetly into the corner of the room, which was a bad thing, because she'd have to replace it at the end of the day, which meant that she might miss Sailor Moon, and that was her favourite show,
except for the one about cooking desserts. The ruined desk meant something had happened over the lunch break, something more than people eating, that is, which is what she had done, and what a yummy meal she'd had. And when things happened, Ranma was usually to blame. So what was he up to?
On one hand, he was paying attention in class, which was good. All students should pay attention in class, except a few should misbehave, so she could drain them. Or if they brought chocolate. Or a cute balloon. Did they make chocolate balloons? Those would be wonderful!
On the other hand, this was Ranma Saotome. He never paid attention in class. In fact, the last time she could remember him looking at the blackboard had been last week,
right before the boy with the bandanna had burst right through it. That had been fun! Not only did she get to drain almost all of the class trying to calm things down,
but the bandanna boy had lots of candy in his backpack!
It was like going to a carnival, except there were no rides and the leather smelled really bad! Well, some carnivals smelled bad too. But candy never did!
Regretfully, she decided that declaring Ranma to be a delinquent for simply paying attention in class would probably set a bad precedent. She vowed to herself to pay close attention, though. When his true delinquency came to light, she'd be there, ready to stop it.
Then she was distracted.Frustrated, Shampoo kicked the swing set, though not hard enough to dent it. She looked around the park again. She'd spent most of the day hunting for her husband, and still hadn't found him. Obviously, the violent pretender had taken her husband and hidden him well. She'd looked almost everywhere, and still found no sign of him.
There was one avenue yet to be explored. Moodily scratching at the ground with the shaft of her bonbori, Shampoo decided that she probably should have gone there first. It was hard to believe that her foe would show so little imagination,
though. She leapt onto the top of the jungle gym, to a nearby tree, and then sped across town.
Racing over rooftops, she sighed. Beat people up until a man beat her up, kiss the man, get married, have lots of children, and then beat people up side by side with her husband. A nice simple life. Was that too much to ask for?
Landing in front of her destination, she took a deep breath and composed herself. I am an Amazon, she recited. I am a warrior. I am fear and death incarnate. I am unstoppable.
Then, grinning brightly, she broke down the front wall of the Tendo home. "Nihao! No ramen delivery this time. Am looking for Airen"
Half buried under dust and woodchips, Genma Saotome and Soun Tendo stared at her inscrutably. Then, with great dignity,
the panda lifted a sign. 'He's not here right now'
The Amazon's smile widened and fixed on Genma.
Instinctively, he looked around, but his cute l'il panda tire was on the other side of the room. Damn.
Shampoo stepped closer. "When Shampoo comes in, Shampoo looks around," she remarked conversationally. "Am seeing Crying Man. Am seeing Panda Man. No see husband." Another step. "So Shampoo already know husband not here"
Without moving her lips, she stopped smiling. "Panda Man want to tell Shampoo something Shampoo not know"
The threat was unnecessary. Genma had by now betrayed his son so often that it was instinctive. The sign flipped around in his hand. 'He's at school'
The departed smile quality returned to Shampoo's bared teeth. "Thank you!" she chirped. "Bye bye"
Alone on the rooftops again, she let the wind wash the smile away and replace it with a grimace. It had never occurred to her that the savage homewrecker would haul Shampoo's injured husband to school and risk the spatula-wielding harlot's wrath. A whole day wasted for overestimating the enemy's intelligence.
Still, she consoled herself, imagine how much slower things would be going if Mousse was tagging along?
She wondered briefly at a geyser climbing into the sky before flying on.Mousse's robes dropped out of his beak as he sneezed. Why couldn't they just paint the damn fire hydrants yellow?Ukyo brooded at her desk. Things had not gone well, she was forced to grudgingly admit. Ruining Ranchan's lunch, even by accident, was a bad move. Not at all the act of a cute fiancee, even if she didn't understand why he was so vigorously defending a lunch made by Akane.
Oh sure, she'd paid to replace it. That didn't really matter, though. The problem was that Ranchan didn't really understand money. It went into his pocket, it left his pocket, and that was really about it as far as he was concerned. To him, the only real difference between five and five thousand yen was that he was much more likely to have five on him.
What Ranchan did understand was food, and the food had come from Nabiki. That was what he would remember. Besides,
there was nothing cute about emptying your wallet.
Well, Ukyo wasn't about to lose, even over something as trivial as this. She'd feed Ranchan dinner tonight, as an apology. In fact -- she swallowed nervously for a second -
they wouldn't even eat at her restaurant. She'd close down for the night, and she'd take him out to a nice place.
They'd have a quiet evening eating some quality food.
Almost like... a date.
The queasiness at losing a night's business faded at that thought. This was a godsend, really. Ukyo and Ranchan,
spending the night on a date, with a perfectly acceptable excuse, so Ranchan wouldn't have to feel any remorse about that stupid arrangement with the Tendos. Dreams about pleasant conversation over sushi quickly escalated into full-blown fantasies of little pig-tailed children running around the family restaurant.
"Oh, yes," she whispered, "tonight, Ranchan, you will be mine"
"What was that, Miss Kuonji"
Panicked, Ukyo's attention snapped back to reality.
"Nothing, Miss Hinako," she stuttered. "I was, uh, just thinking about my, uh, new recipe for... for chocolate okonomiyaki"
In a flash, Miss Hinako replaced Ukyo's desk, which landed on some unfortunate two rows back. "Chocolate.
okonomiyaki?" she quivered.
Relaxing, Ukyo nodded. "Sure thing. Want me to get my spare grill from my locker"Anything Goes Martial Arts Note-Taking wasn't a challenge when the teacher could keep on topic for more than two minutes at a time. So now Ranma was writing by tapping his pencil at the page, creating strokes made up of dozens of minuscule dots. Since he wasn't allowing himself to make any noise, it made great control training as well as speed conditioning.
He'd never realized how much fun school could be if you put a little work into it.
He absently paused to let his desk settle after an explosion rocked the school. Geez, that was what, the sixth one today? He shook his head. At least it ain't happening to me.Drenched, Kuno glared at the remains of the stall. The gushing hulk of the toilet had washed off the worst of the pineapple juice, but he was uninclined to be charitable about his circumstances. The principal had sentenced him to clean the bathrooms as punishment for being late, vowing to send the vile Ranma Saotome to join him in the hellish labour. The entirety of the day had passed, however, and Kuno had yet to see opportunity to wreak his vengeance.
"Enough with this!" he roared, throwing his mop to one side.
"The righteous quest bestowed to me by Heaven has been stayed long enough. I must be off, for, yea, the heavens do weep and inundate me in their sorrows, and their tears shall not cease until such time as the pig-tailed goddess is freed to profess her love and adoration for the paragon of manliness that is the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High"
Producing a bokken, he went for the door. Catching a glimpse of his waterlogged visage in the mirror, he slid to a stop and preened briefly.
The mirror fell off the wall, to release another wave of water that bowled Kuno over. He struggled to his feet just as the principal stepped off his surfboard. "'Ey, now,
Tacchi," he growled, hair clippers at the ready, "ain't no bad keiki goin' nowhere till they finish cleanin' da toilets"
"Abomination of a father," Kuno spat, "you will not be the one to stop me"
Father and son circled each other warily. At an unspoken agreement, they charged each other, shears and bokken blurring. It was a battle that Jubei Yagyu would have cheered for, which could have impressed Musashi Miyamoto,
that would bring a tear to the eye of Lancelot du Lac.
For before they made contact, the four remaining pineapple bombs in the toilets went off, and even dead swordsmen don't like the Kunos.
Spluttering, Kuno pushed himself up against the wall. He had been blown out of the bathroom and into the hallway,
which took a few moments to sink in. When it did, he fell back to his knees.
"Truly, this is a sign!" he wept. "For the tears of heaven have become a fearsome tsunami, which drives me towards my noble goal!" Surging to his feet, he proclaimed, "Fear not,
my pig-tailed glory! Your emancipation is at hand"
He sprinted down the hall, in search of the vile sorcerer.
Behind him, in the bathroom, the rubble shifted. The principal sat up, ceramic dust obscuring the loud print of his shirt, and pushed his sunglasses up his nose with a furiously trembling finger.
"Ooo, Tacchi," he hissed, "you one bad keiki"Bustling through her home economics class, Akane felt like singing. Ranma had liked her lunch! He liked the way it looked, he liked the way it smelled, he had wanted to eat it! She reddened slightly at the memory. It was quite arguably the nicest thing he had ever said to her.
There was only one way to show her appreciation. These
cookies were going to be perfect.
The screams of her classmates returned her attention to the here and now. "Stupid defective ovens," she muttered to herself as she beat out the flames.The bell rang out the end of school, and Ranma relaxedly arched over the back of the chair. The point-writing drill had been tiring, especially when he started doing it two-handed. Definitely good training, though. Between that and his morning nap, he hadn't had so much fun at school for weeks.
"Actually," he said out loud, "this has been a pretty good day all round." Then he stiffened, and sweat began to bead on his forehead.
Off in the distance, a muffled explosion shook the building,
followed by another, and then a third, each closer than the other.
A tic spasmed under Ranma's eye, as his muscles desperately prepared for an escape attempt. But which way to flee?
Then the chalkboard caved in, and it was too late. From behind the curtain of dust resounded a familiar cry.
"Airen"
Still paralyzed by fear, Ranma had no chance of evading Shampoo's diving glomp. "Oh, Airen! Shampoo so worried.
Airen okay?" Defying a few laws of physics to snuggle even closer, she pouted up at him. "Airen very bad boy to worry wife. Take wife out on date to say sorry, yes"
Ranma wondered if you could suffer rigor mortis while still alive. Maybe he could just die. It would probably be less painful.
"Oh, no, you don't!" Ukyo had intended to approach Ranchan cautiously, set it up in front of everyone as a 'two buddies night out' thing, but the Chinese bimbo had forced her hand.
"Ranchan's going on a date with me, so I can apologize for ruining his lunch! Right, Ranchan?" She scraped up every erg of cuteness in her soul and poured it into one dazzling smile.
Kuno skidded into the room, dripping wet. "Saotome, you cur!" he yelled. "You take a respite from your sacrilegious torments of the majestic pig-tailed goddess to seduce more fair maidens with your wizardly charms! No more! For the gods have sent me on a mission of mercy, and blessed me with their holy waters! Today, you fall"
He should move, he should say something, Ranma knew. Too bad his body wasn't cooperating. Had Kodachi already stopped by?
Out of the book closet popped the principal, on whom water and dust were combining to form a rapidly-hardening plaster armour. His sunglasses glinted as he took in the scene. He had been in hard pursuit of his disobedient son, but this was too good a cocoanut to pass over. "Makin' out on school property is against the rules," he gleefully exclaimed, "and keiki breakin' the rules is a bad keiki"
Beside Ranma's ear, the window burst open. Landing among the tinkling shards of glass, Mousse rose from his crouch,
pointed dramatically at Ranma, and opened his mouth. He then closed it, peered closely, and asked in a worried tone of voice, "Are you a fire hydrant"
That shut even Kuno up.
"What?" Mentally, Ranma slapped himself. Of all times for his voice to come back.
Relief was quickly chased off Mousse's face by righteous anger. "Ranma Saotome," he bellowed, "for hurting my Shampoo, you will die!" Ranma threw himself into a sideways roll to dodge the axe that swept through his desk. Unfortunately, since Shampoo refused to let go of his neck, the maneuver didn't quite go as planned, and he ended up sprawled out on top of the undeniably buxom Amazon.
"Oh, Airen," she cooed, inhaling sharply.
Aw, shit. Ranma closed his eyes and began a mental countdown to the inevitable. Three, two, one.
"RANMA"
There we go. He looked over at the door to see Akane angrily fighting back tears, holding a plate of... something. At least it wasn't moving, though it was smoking a bit.
"How could you? And after I made cookies just for you!
You jerk!" She huffed, and turned her back.
"No, wait, Akane! It's not what it looks like!" Ranma alternated between vigorous denials and desperately trying to worm free of the Amazon's embrace. Neither worked.
"Fear, not Akane Tendo! I shall heal your heart by teaching you the true paths of romance! Date with me"
"Get your hands off my Ranchan, bimbo"
"Bad keiki gettin' a haircut, yeah"
"Spatula Girl not getting Airen! Want fight"
"Do not ignore me, Saotome! I shall prove my love for Shampoo on your body"
"DELINQUENTS"
"Mousse shut up"
"Back off, Kuno"
"Go back to China"
"SAOTOME"
"Good girl exercise number one"
Ranma whimpered. It had been such a fine day.
The End