Title: The life and death of a Schmuck: A Riley Finn story. (The horrible death of Riley Finn)
Flames: I take sole responsibility for this fic, so any flames go to me, and only me. Okay, are we all clear on this: I don't mind receiving flames, if you feel you have to flame me for writing this be my guest, but make sure you flame just me.
Note: This is a spin off from a fic written by the lovely Duchess of Buffonia entitled 'For love of the pilsbury Doughboy.' which you should defiantly read, and which can be found at Duchess' website www.bbtz.net. Oh, and the spin off was written with Duchess' permission.
Introduction
Now then ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls gather round and I will tell you a story, an epic tale, a wonderfully sculptured truly amazing novel, a story of a schmuck and a dog.... Once upon a time in a land that didn't exist....except in the minds of a few select (and by select I mean insane) people there lived a schmuck....but wait, he was no normal schmuck, oh no he was the schmuck to end all schmucks, the mother of mother-loads of schmucks......come to think of it I don't think this story is acceptable for children....that Riley can give children nightmares or cause them to develop Schmuckanitus (their minds are easily influenced)...and also would all people offended by bad naughty words...cause there will be a lot of them in here (that Riley is such a jerk)... leave. I'm looking at you, yeah all you religious freaks go away...this story is not for you....bugger off. Now we will begin.
Riley Finn wondered the street, a mess, a pitiful looking creature....his lover Parker had left to partake in the ritual of necrophilia that seemed to occur much to often in Sunnydale..... He could still remember Parkers parting words tearing through him like a extremely sharp knife (Authors note: I couldn't think of anything originally so I went with the knife, it was either that or a paper cut...is it to late to change). Let's retake that scene. Riley could still remember Parkers harsh, cruel and evil words that seemed cut through him like a painful paper cut.... don't diss it, those things are really painful...no I'm not a pansy...shut up. Right so Parkers evil words
"Riley I'm sorry but Angel just looks so much better in a dress, besides the only thing lower then a cross dressing guy is a cross dressing necrophiliac..... (Parker: No I won't say it....Chris forcing me to.. can't stop him) .... and I am the lowest of the low. I'm bottom sucking scum, a weasel, a maggot that should be put on a big hook. I'm not good enough for you.... besides Chris doesn't want us to die at the same time, he has plans for me"
....Riley had been on the verge of suicide, barley holding back the tears. How could Parker be so cruel, they had shared everything. Riley pondered how anyone look better in a dress then he. He shook his head at the memory.
No. Parker was wrong. Riley had just had his legs waxed and would spend hours putting make up on to achieve the perfect 'I'm a guy in drag but think I actually look like a woman' look ...that Angel could not look as good as he did.... and Riley was sure the author of this story disliked him as much as Parker, perhaps even more so....something to do with the authors insane jealousy that he the Schmuck got to screw the extremely hot but completely fictional character Buffy Anne Summers every show. boy that author must be some freak...can't even make it with a fictional character.
Chris: Shut up..... Don't forget I can see your thoughts schmuck boy, so think before you think (Yes in my story the thoughts can be thought before they're thought)...don't make me delete you.... and just to show you I'm serious....
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File: Search: RileyBashing1*.*
Edit: Select all: [Riley and/or Finn].
Edit: Paste: [Schmuck].
Enter.
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Schmuck: Sorry Looser
Chris: Right that's it now I am so going to make your death painful.
Riley: You was going to anyway....besides I'm just fictional...Your real and might I add a freak...come on your sitting here having a conversation with yourself... Your writing...and then replying to your own words...this isn't even a story, a story has a plotline and the author doesn't get involved in arguments with the characters.
Chris: Um...Ahh...But...Shut up Iowa boy don't make me delete Bessie-ann the cow...he-he...That shut him up....
So Riley wondered the streets, pondering what had gone wrong in his life....it was easy to blame himself, he was after all a schmuck, born and raised an inbred freak, but no....he refused to be a man, he refused to be a man and accept his mistakes to admit it was all his fault.
His life began to go wrong when he was just a small child....well to be honest his life went wrong before childhood, way back when he was just a twinkle, well actually a quick screw in his mothers eye. That is to say, when his mother conceived Riley with her cousin (happily the cousin was then promptly killed off by a STD he received from their prize cow Bessie-ann ... It was gonna be a sheep but Riley's family aren't Welsh.)
Riley was born in a stable the first of twenty children by twenty fathers and also the only of his brothers and sisters not to marry a relative. But alas unlike that other bastard born in a stable all those years ago Riley's mother had the balls (figuratively and then literally later on in life after the 'op') to admit she was a dirty Ho (Whom incidentally is still available as the world oldest whore at 79 just call 00 127 8332.. no wait that's my number....If anyone wants the her phone number e-mail me privately and I'll try to find it).... I mean come on Virgin conception (Duchess it looks like. Mary was the modern day 'forbidden fruit' and Joseph/(Adam) got a taste...well it actually looks like he got a whole hell of a lot more then just a taste, oh yes. But that's a different story....the bible I think.).
The unfortunate mixture of the genes Riley received from his very, very closely related parents put him at a distinct advantage to all the other farm animals, receiving a rare disorder that made "dim-witted", "slow", and in general the typical "slack jawed yokel", the twenty-eight cousins nephew niece of Cletus to be exact ....and the genes also put him at risk from cancers, bad genetic codes are infamous for causing cancers, almost as renowned as hate filled writers ...these facts as Riley was soon to learn would come into play in his latter years of life.
As I was saying Riley's life began to go wrong as a child, you see as a child Riley had always dreamt of being in the navy, something about the thought of all those big strapping men in uniforms just made him exited, so he had put all his effort into learning the way of the shirt lifter....But sadly he had never made it in the navy. That in itself almost broke him. But he eventually got over it, and finally found a career where he got to be around men in uniform 24-7(It was actually recommended to him by his good old public-toilet meeting buddy; George Michael) but that like everything else in his life fell through eventually, it had only been a matter of time until the bliss of watching Graham run around with big guns fell through.... the two had finally somehow managed to become secret agents, but the scary thing was they had to fight monsters. Big scary monsters like the ones that lived under Riley's bed and scared him silly into a screaming wreck every night, calling for a valiant knight to come save him. He had been on the verge of quitting and hiding under the covers for the rest of his life when someone strong came to save him, her name... yes her... her name was Buffy, though she was not quite what he had pictured when he had hoped for a knight in shinning armour she was strong enough to protect him from those big scary meannies called demons.
But somehow he had lost her.... she had finally gone and found herself a real man, that mean Duchess had split them up... But Duchess had also done a lot for him. He drifted of into a fantasy land, his thoughts drifting to happy ones....this lead to other happy thoughts...."Ahh the memories." Riley's thoughts drifted off to when he was first introduced to cross dressing...he owed Duchess dearly..... Cross dressing one of the few happy things he had left. Whenever he was sad he could always count on dressing as a woman to cheer him up..... "It used cheer Parker up too." thought Riley bitterly.
Trying very hard to concentrate on the good things in life he realised he had a lot to live for... there was that time he almost became an international pop star, again thanks to Duchess, or the time he had that extremely long sex romp with Buffy.
Chris: Hey your supposed to be a poof now, remember
Riley: I am but I knew that would get you rattled....Jealous.
Chris: No.
Riley: Course you're not.... you remember the episode, that spirit took over and the sex romp lasted hours and hours and hours.
Suddenly Riley started to shift and mutate and reform as Chris smiled merrily, Riley screamed in pain, a pain that ripped through his body penetrating to the very essence of his being, a pain he had never felt before, a pain worse then mortal man was meant to receive, a pain that could last the rest of this fic unless Riley was to apologise to the
author.
Riley: Arrrrggh....It burns, it hurts....Arrrghhh....I'm sorry.
Sitting down in his cardboard box, his home, (Oh did I forget to tell you, well after Riley was left by Parker he hit the bottle pretty bad and is now living in a cardboard box) his thoughts returned to his darkest hour, the end of it all, just when he realised there was so much to live for, the worse torture possible he received, he had finally come to terms with everything and wanted to live, he had made it past the days of suicidal depression that had swooped in over the last week .... but then tragedy had struck. He pondered what the doctor had said earlier that week just before Parker had left him..............
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Earlier that week
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Doc1: "Mr Finn, your blood analysis has just come back, and I'm afraid I have bad news..."
Riley: "It's my womb isn't it.....I can't have babies....Parker is going to be so angry. We've been trying for one so hard but every time the results come out negative ...that's it isn't it....You can give it to me straight doc."
The doctor who had backed up a lot at this point replied "Mr Finn..." but was interrupted by Riley
Riley: "Please call me jerk off everyone else does."
Doc1: "Okay Mr Jerk off"
Riley: "No just jerk off. No Mr. Just jerk off"
Doc1:"Okay jerk off, you do know that men don't have wombs right?"
Riley looked crestfallen at what the doctor had just said, but then realisation struck him, as always he was a bit slow and so hadn't fully understood the birds and the bees until now.... he had always thought the birds and the bees encouraged cross species mating, and so had tried it out with several of his childhood pets, but when the psychiatrist found out he was incarcerated for a couple of years....But now it hit him like a freight train (No actually that was the doctor slapping him with a blunt object.) but he still understood vaguely, to make babies required a daddy and a mommy, or as his mother had done, a mummy and a relative.
Riley: "Um....they don't...Men don't have wombs.. Maybe that's why I can't get pregnant. You know Parker brought this up, but I thought if a virgin could fall pregnant then maybe a man could to."
Doc1: "No....now will you please listen. Normally this is sad news, but this time I'm actually glad to be the one to give it to you....in a non sexual reference....and totally in the none gay sense of course....not that I'm anti-gay....Um that doesn't mean I'm pro-gay either. I'm not gay....Um I gotta go."
The doctor ran out hastily having managed to work himself into a state of confusion and fear after realising now that Riley had been making passes at him whilst he had been examining Riley's ..... "manhood" ...for traces of cancerous lumps!!!
Five minutes later another more sinister doctor came in looking particularly happy that he got to be the one to tell Riley the painful and tragic problem.
Doc2: "Mr Jerk off.....I'm happy to announce that you have a rare and painful form of cancer. In fact you have several cancers. A sarcoma of the lymph glands where as we speak faulty lymphocytes are circulating in your bloodstream, now these are blood cells gone awry are spreading the cancer around your body systems like the bubonic plague which you also have. You do know you have cancer don't you....Oh well, you do now. The hospital was meant to send you back the results months ago, when the problem was still treatable"
The doctor looks around and sees Duchess standing with the letter Riley was supposed to receive smiling evilly. Smiling back giving her the thumbs up he returns to speaking with Riley.
"You have extensive testicular cancer and there is a horrible cancerous lump in your head that's leaking into your brain as we speak.....Do you understand"
Riley nodded blankly and his face dropped... "It means I can't have babies."
Doc2: "No, you freak, it means your gonna die horribly and slowly because Duchess decided to give you a horrible brain tumour in her story 'the Pillsbury doughboy' which has now spread because Chris hates you so much that he made it worse."
Riley: "But why....I'm a lovable guy....I thought I made people laugh. I cross dressed....I though that's what society liked."
Doc2: "I'm afraid they were laughing at you......and the cross dressing thing was just random fun that Duchess decided to add after smoking crack."
Riley still confused as ever asked "What's going to happen to me"
Doc2: "Well first your brain will begin to haemorrhage, the cancer cells will invade and eat your brain and cerebellum your brain will cease to function so there will be absolutely no difference up to that point, then your blood stream will become blocked by all the cells and you'll turn blue and die....but in the mean time I have to give you this injection."
Riley: "Is that some sort of pain killer."
The doctor nodded and rubbed his hands together in glee "Yes......it's still in it's 'infant stages as a painkiller' but I'm pretty sure this mixture of concentrated Ebola-Zaire virus will work, and if not....no major losses" and with that the doctor filled Riley's blood with the nasty virus intent on causing pain to Riley. And as you all know Ebola is incurable, and one of the nastiest viruses and ways to die in the whole wide world, thus guaranteeing Riley's death.
The end.....no wait there's more.....Now I know a lot of people actually wanted to see Riley dead...well I do anyway so it really doesn't matter what you think ....and I know a lot of you were angry that Serenity didn't include her three legged blind dog she was talking about in the story 'Blinded' so after a meeting with the dogs agent, and paying the owner serenity off, I was able to get the dog as a guest star in this weeks edition of 'the painful death of Riley Finn' so
without further ado drum roll please.......
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Present time
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Enter the Dragon....Um Poodle. Mr.Three has entered the building.
The dog suitably named Mr.Three or tripod (Get your minds out the gutter) as I liked to call him, hobbled around the street, randomly bumping into objects and people...it was blind after all.....it had some how managed to wonder into this 'true story' (this is all completely true...a documentary) after not being used as much as it's contract dictated in the story 'blinded' so when it was offered more money, a low cost workers union membership, and a vital role by Chris it jumped at the offer. The jump was quickly followed by a yelp as the poor dogs three legs gave way under the pressure of landing. So where was I oh yes............
What's going on....In the movies the story teller just says that line "So where was I...." and then the movie plays....why won't it work.....damn I'll have to tell it manually....
The dog hobbled about, it's muscular physique showing after the three months of muscle building exercise needed before it could appear in this fic. The fourth leg was now present, a wooden pirate leg, and over its two non working eyes were two pirate patches (there was also a parrot but the dog ate it) ..Oh yes this was one mean dog....well as mean as a poodle could be....did I mention it was given rabies before filming commenced...well it was....and it had it's hair shaved off making it look thugish. This was a menacing thug/pirate/rabid poodle, a real bad-ass bully.....if only you had seen what it done to the poor cat and teddy bears then you'd be scared....well I'll tell you it mounted the cat and showed it who was the boss and became a teddy pimp....
So getting back to the story, the mean poodle was searching for something, sniffing the air it began to walk menacingly bowling along like a yardy drug dealer, it was hunting. Hunting for a Riley Finn.......because....Um....well it's a rabid dog, does there really need to be a reason for it to attack someone, especially a Riley someone. It could smell him, it began to follow it's nose, well anyway after half an hour of walking it finally figured out it was on a running machine and hadn't moved an inch.....one of the disadvantages of being blind is you cant see if your moving or not. And it couldn't buy a blind dog because this backward country doesn't offer equal rights to poodles..... Come on what kindda country doesn't give equal rights to dogs....sounds like Russia or Iraq, but not England, America and Southern Korea....Um they eat dogs in Korea don't they...forget that last one. But England and America, something needs to be done!!!!
The dog after asking for directions from a local agoraphobic finally found Riley asleep in a cardboard box not one of those cheap ones, oh no Riley had done alright for himself after loosing his job, and was living in a plush new reinforced corrigated cardboard box. Taking advantage of the defenceless schmuck it ruthlessly attacked the poor asshole... Riley didn't know what hit him, he could only watch in terror as Mr.Three hit him with a right uppercut, then a left jab, and then finally a back leg left hook. Riley went down like a sack of carrots (yes carrots I'm also campaigning for equal rights for vegetables...I don't see why it should always be a sack of potatoes and the other word just isn't allowed.... okay it is, cause I already said there'd be bad words.) Riley went down like a sack of sh*t (though I don't know who would carry sacks of sh*t....maybe farmers)....and was eaten alive by the poodle....well okay the poodle could only manage an ear or two before it was full up....but happily Riley died soon after in hospital from the Ebola virus which had been liquefying his insides making him appear to melt whilst everyone watched in delight...woohhhooo.
Sadly the dog thinking it was now extra 'hard', 'tuff' and 'macho', thinking it was in short 'the man', and after eating it's Weetabix for the day, bowled out in front of a Juggernaut like a .... Hmm better be politically correct...like an Jamaican Mafia (to which Chris shouted out "You want some fruit round that bowl") and was tragically killed. But it's sacrifice will not be forgotten, it died a hero, for a noble cause, it shall not be forgotten and will live eternally in our hearts. A martyr for the death of Riley it has become. We love you little poodle, Mr.Three.....
[Disclaimer: In terms of the contract discussed with Serenity the three legged blind dog must be returned alive, and only slightly malnourished to the farm and old couple it was living with. As a precaution to ensure the legality of the contract a stunt double Rotweiler was used for the running over scene. This Rotweiler is a trained stunt dog, any stunts performed by it should not be attempted at home or copied for any reason. Being run over by a Juggernaut usually results in death, do not try it. You have been warned.]
And now for the penultimate act Chris enters the story and has the sex romp Buffy had been scopeing at since Duchess had stolen her character from BtVS and turned her into a sex mad, horny, sex-romp obsessed slayer ... Ha, that showed that dead Ba*@ard Riley Finn that I can score with a fictional character.....Looks like I got the last laugh...... and when I finished with her she went back to..... Faith (yes sorry, I'm forcing my fantasies on you again)... and then Xander.... who then lived happily ever after.
fin: Yes it was made in Finland....and my head...and partly Duchesses head too.
The end.
In the slightly modified words of his greatness, the big man....that's right I'm talking about Homer Simpson (the one where he becomes a food critic [screw Flanders]):
"Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley, Screw Riley."