Disclaimer:
The characters and story of Fushigi Yuugi belong to Watase Yuu. I'm only borrowing them for a brief moment to have some fun, and I promise I will put them back when I am done with them.

Warning:
This story contains spoilers up to episode 36, possibly more. If you haven't seen any of those eps or the ones beyond them, and it will ruin the story for you to know, please do not read any further.

Dedication:
To Koy, my best friend. Thank you.

Fushigi Yuugi:
Painful Knowledge
Part One - Tamahome
by: Yuuki Miyaka

When she said she would marry me, it was the happiest day of my life, even if it wasn't precisely couched in words of love. When she said she loved me, it gave my life meaning, more meaning than even my family had given it. When I held her, touched her, breathed the air in a room she'd just left, it was as though I had touched the ultimate happiness. Being around her made me feel strong, proud, worthwhile.

Maybe that is foolish, but there it is. She was my reason for living. When everything around me fell apart, she made it better. Our lives had touched in a way that I could not begin to explain. Others saw it. Hotohori and Nuriko envied me. Yui envied her. And as much as we both hated hurting the others, we knew that it was best. That no matter what, we could be happy if only we were together.

But something has happened. Nakago . . . did something, and I don't yet know what. I only know that something has changed in Miaka, something I cannot define. Something that may ultimately destroy me. Her light is denied me.

I lay here at night, and I can still feel her body in my arms, the warm, heady scent of her hair filling my nostrils. I can still feel the touch of her lips on mine. And those memories are addictive, painful. She was life to me, and now my life is gone. She's not Miaka anymore. She's Suzaku No Miko, and I must still protect her. With Nuriko gone, I'm not sure of our numbers anymore.

I want to tell her how I feel, but she wouldn't listen. It would only make her feel worse than she does, and I cannot do that to her. Not to one I love so much. So I will live here in the shadows until I can heal myself enough to continue on. Perhaps then I will start to live again. I only hope it is with her at my side.

~from the heart of Tamahome~

Author's Notes:
I can't explain why I had to write this, but I did. I lay in bed, and something made me get up (with a pounding headache) and go to my computer and just pour this forth. I can understand right now how Tamahome feels, knowing that he loves someone so much and yet unable to be with them. This is the first time I've ever attempted a Fushigi Yuugi fanfic, and I don't know what anyone will think of it. Comments, criticisms, and yes, even flames, can be entered in the review section of this series.