Disclaimer:
The characters and story of Fushigi Yuugi belong to Watase Yuu. I'm only borrowing them for a brief moment to have some fun, and I promise I will put them back when I am done with them.

Warning:
This story contains spoilers up to episode 20, possibly more. If you haven't seen any of those eps or the ones beyond them, and it will ruin the story for you to know, please do not read any further.

Dedication:
To Stacey for her belief in me. I can never repay that.

Fushigi Yuugi:
Painful Knowledge
Part Two - Hotohori
by: Yuuki Miyaka

Vanity is a vice for me, I think. I enjoy appearing vain to others, and indeed, I do consider how I look to be very important, but I would give that up in a second if I could have her love. It isn't so easy, knowing that he is poor, and that he doesn't always treat her as well as he should, and yet she loves him.

When I was young, I thought that she would relieve my loneliness. I can remember being alone my entire life. My parents and nurses didn't pay much attention, and I had no friends my age. No one was "worthy" of my attention. And so I lived my life, wondering if just maybe it was that I was not really worthy of them.

But now, I'm surrounded by friends, Miaka and Tamahome in particular. And as much as I want to make her choose me, I know that she would hate me if I did that. I guess I'm content to stand down. I really just want her to be happy, and then there's my relationship with him.

He is my friend, and for that I should back off. I watched them sail off today, knowing that I may never see any of them again, even her. But as long as strength is in my body, I will love her and protect her. I gave her my sword, the sword Taiitsu-kun gave me. It was the least I could do. But I should be going with them.

How can I be jealous of him when so many things have happened to him? Indeed, I don't think I could have survived such torments, and I pray that I never find out if I am correct. The worst is knowing what has happened to his family, that family that I so recently offered to protect. I should not have been so late or lax in my duties. As long as one of my brothers has a family, I will see them protected if it costs me my life. Never again will one of them feel the pain that Tamahome has.

Miaka was so quiet when she returned from Tamahome's home. I'm glad that both Tamahome and Nuriko were there to protect her and help her, especially as I don't doubt that Nuriko needed to comfort Miaka when Tamahome tried to accept their deaths. What can I say except that I was a fool not to go along, or insist that the others go?

She's been hurt so many times because of him. Even when it's not his fault, I hate it, and I want to hate him. It's not worth it. Their love isn't really worth the pain. It couldn't be. I've seen everything that's happened, and I know that Tamahome will be the one link in our chain that may destroy us. And he would never do it willingly.

I dread the day that true war comes between the Suzaku and Seiryuu Seishi. It may be the end of us, honestly. And I wouldn't begin to know what to do. But as long as Tamahome and I live, I can be sure that Miaka will be in good hands.

And even knowing all of this, I know that I am jealous of Tamahome, and of his luck where I have failed. Miaka is the one I waited my entire life for, and she does not love me, never did. Even as I realize this, I know only one way to make her happy, and I will do it. I do everything I can to ensure that she and Tamahome have no problems between them. As long as they are both happy, then I will be. Perhaps it is enough.

~From the heart of Hotohori~