Disclaimer:
The characters and story of Fushigi Yuugi belong to Watase Yuu. I'm only borrowing them for a brief moment to have some fun, and I promise I will put them back when I am done with them.

Warning:
This story contains spoilers up to episode 33, possibly more. If you haven't seen any of those eps or the ones beyond them, and it will ruin the story for you to know, please do not read any further.

Dedication:
I'd like to dedicate this to Christopher, who has given me so much in the past and now.

Fushigi Yuugi:
Painful Knowledge
Part Three - Nuriko
by: Yuuki Miyaka

When I first met her, I hated her. She had bested me already, and I hated that, hated the fact that she was so cheerful. But even then, something in her had struck a chord within me, and I wanted to care for her. I guess it was the fact that I was her seishi, her protector. I can't honestly say.

Even so, I tried to steal Tamahome from her, knowing that such an act would hurt her, for he hadn't even admitted his love for her. But she was so caring and compassionate, trying to win me over, that I couldn't finish it. I tried to hate her, I really did, but she slipped under my defenses, making me love her even though I didn't understand it.

As time passed, I slowly got used to the fact that I liked her, but I didn't pay much attention to my feelings. I concentrated so much on Hotohori that I didn't notice that my feelings for him were slowly becoming more habit than anything. I still cared about whether or not he noticed me, but it did not drive me as it had in the past. And I wanted to open up to Miaka. Perhaps my efforts to get her together with Tamahome were selfish, but not entirely so. I wanted her to be happy, and if she would have been happy with Hotohori, eventually I would have let go of my dreams. I already knew that he would never love me as a woman. After my secret got out, he couldn't.

And eventually Tamahome, too, became a close friend. Seeing his family made me wish that my own sister was still alive. Poor Korin. She was a wonderful girl, and I wanted to let her go as much as I wanted her to be alive again. Such strange duality within me. Talking to Chichiri helps some. But of all the seishi, I think I would trust Tamahome the most with my life. Something within him, some need to be honorable drives him, and he would never let anything happen to us if he could help it. I just wish he had been here for the fight.

And then there's Tasuki. Strange that I would find such a friend in such an oafish man. But he is true to his feelings, and he protects all of us with his life and his honor. And even in this bandit, there's something that reminds me of my sister. His wit, perhaps, or his temper. Oh, Korin always had such a spectacular temper. But Tasuki . . . Gen-chan . . . he is something special. He's a ball of fire where the rest of us are merely clouds. He has more life within him than most of us ever dreamed could dwell in the world. And I like him. He is truly a good friend.

I can almost see how it would be if Miaka and I were in love in her world. Perhaps that is Suzaku's doing. Surely my god would give me this happiness at least. We would go shopping together, would have lunch and go driving. I would be a man for her, as I long to be. But I would never come in the way of her relationship with Tamahome. That would be wrong.

Still, it would have been wonderful to love her as a man. It would have been heaven to know that our future would be filled with light and laughter, and that she would be my wife. Strange . . . I've never longed for a wife before. Funny thought, that.

The pain is getting harder to bear, and I can hear their voices now. It's impossible to stand up. But I can see Korin, staring at me, her face a mask of sadness and compassion. She never wore that expression in life. I can't feel anything! My body has gone numb, and my field of vision is shifting, as though I'm falling. And Korin is catching me. She'll hold me and stop anything from happening to me. And at least I destroyed an enemy of Miaka's. Tamahome will protect her. He must . . . .

~From the heart of Nuriko~

Author's Notes:
I don't really know where this one came from. As you can tell, if you read it, it's set right before Nuriko's death, looking back over everything that's happened to him and the other seishi. He only dwells on Tamahome and Miaka, Hotohori and Tasuki because those are the ones I feel he cares for the most, which doesn't mean that he doesn't care for the others. Those just seemed to be the ones he got the closest to, IMO.

Also, I'm just making up what I'm saying about his sister, Korin. I don't honestly know what she was like.

My thanks, btw, to whoever first put out the idea about the little RW scene Nuriko dreams of is a gift of Suzaku. I'm stealing that idea!!! Gomen. :) I hope you enjoyed and comments, critiques and flames can be sent to me.