Rating: PG (language).
Spoilers: Well... I don't think Susan returning is much of a spoiler
anymore, so, nope.
Song: "Draw Down The Stars" written and performed by Tom McRae.
Feedback: I'm craaaving for it... please! Here or via e-mail. Yes, that was me
begging.
Disclaimer: The story is mine and that's pretty much all I
own. 'Kay?
Notes: I know, lame title. But like I said a couple times
before, I suck at titles. Get over it g. Also, I know there have been,
and will be, a lot of stories on this topic, but just to make things clear
right off the bat, I haven't read any similar to mine thus far. If I stole your
idea, well... sowwy. ;] Again, this is a first-person narrative, from Susan's
POV this time around. Last but not least, I cannot stress enough that this is,
and will remain, a one-part story.
"Of Past Regret And
Present Doubt" by Adeline (gossy16@yahoo.com)
I walk into this oh-so-familiar diner. Doc Magoo's, good old
Magoo's. And the same old smells come flowing over me, and I wallow in them
willfully. Some old faces have disappeared, and many new faces have otherwise
appeared, but over those five years, almost, the smells of brewing coffee, warm
salt, and burgers of all kinds have not changed one bit. I sit in a booth by
the window as I am reminded of all the times I was sat in this very same spot.
He is late. I am home.
He finally enters carrying something I can't quite make out.
I flash him a heartfelt smile, and he smiles back, waving at me with his free
hand. I am so happy to see him. Still the same old Mark Greene, I can tell.
Have I ever been happier?
As he walks closer, I see it's a small white bundle he is
carefully hugging close to his chest. Could be a... No, it can't. Yet my eyes
are stuck to it like I had seen no such thing before. Because I haven't.
He notices this and chuckles lightly. "This is Ella, my
daughter. Ella, this is Susan." Such are the first words he says. I wish I
could respond to this, say something nice. But I am nothing short of awestruck,
and as I look up from the little one for the first time, he sees the twirling
chaos in my eyes. All this in a second. From his mild, bittersweet smile I can
tell he is nervous. But he keeps on. "Elizabeth had to finish up a
coloctomy, so I picked up the baby from Day Care." That's his way of telling
me who his wife is and what she does. Two birds with one stone. Or two stabs
with one sentence.
Her name doesn't sound familiar at all. But it is my fault,
I should have kept touch.
"You sure didn't waste time!" I pretend to take
things easy, for some strange reason I can't pinpoint.
He doesn't seem to take my remark in the joking tone I
thought I intended it, but he attempts to cover it in a tone just below the one
I just used as he counters. "Nor did I make any rash decisions."
And take that, Susan. You deserve it. A tense silence
ensues, and for a moment, the only God-damned words that come to mind are
'Excellent fucking repartee.' But I quickly come to my senses, I know that he
is referring to my departure. And I reckon that he is being unfair, but then
again I was
also. I couldn't just suppose he would wait forever on the odd chance that I
might be back to Chicago ever.
I shouldn't have.
Then he tries to smile again to relax the atmosphere, but
his heart is not in it. So instead he takes on this melancholy look to utter
the coup-de-grâce. "It's been over four years."
He just killed me, but he is not overly proud of what he has
done. Unwillingly, I'm sure. Any lawyer would plead self-defense, and in the
place of the judge I'd give them reason.
"I know." I kill him in turn, and I lower my head
in shame, recoiling from what I have done.
In leaving I have killed us. And I know any jury would
sentence me to a ruthless, loveless and hollow existence. I just know.
==*~*~*==*~*~*==*~*~*==
Coming back to the city
That I never quite leave,
Picture you by the ocean,
Picture me, coughing into my sleeve...
==*~*~*==*~*~*==*~*~*==
I was wrong. He has changed, he has changed a lot. Heck, I
have changed some too. I guess I was wrong also to think his feelings for me,
whatever they were back then, would remain unchanged. He's looking pensive. I
can't remember a time I've seen him pensive like that. The times we spent
together
we never used to think much. We didn't have to, because it was so easy to just
be ourselves around each other and have a good time. But obviously that's
changed as well.
As I am sipping my way through the same coffee black I
always used to have, Ella starts fussing, and he rapidly soothes her by rocking
her softly. How long have we been here? The clock behind the counter says seven
minutes and some seconds. My head says forever, too long.
Then he speaks, in the voice I still love in spite of all.
"Are you uncomfortable too?"
This takes me by surprise, and I am forced to answer like a
16-year-old would. "Kinda." And I smile a little smile in spite of
myself.
"You know," the words start coming out, again to
my own surprise. "I'm really glad to see you, Mark. Really." Stop
talking, idiot. "And I've been waiting for this." Shut up, moron, and
give me back my brain. "But I... To be truthful, I never thought it would
be like this." Will you quit it, already? "That you'd be married...
with a baby... You know."
He lets all this sink in, now my rant is over. Then he nods
slowly, understandingly it seems, and he just says yeah and trails off, before
whatever else he was going to say escapes him after all. And after a short
hesitation, he earnestly demands to know. "Why did you come back?"
I knew I had it coming, I guess I just forgot. Well, it's
okay, I can answer this. "Well," I take in a deep breath. "Time
passed, Suzy grew up. *Chloe* grew up. And Joe didn't take up drinking or
hitting them." I say with what I believe to be a sly smile to lighten the
mood. Mark picks up on it and manages a small sideways grin too. So I continue,
feeling more at ease already. "They moved to the suburbs four months ago,
and that's when I realized that they just don't need me anymore."
"And you're okay with this?" I think I am, but I'm
glad he asks. It shows that at least he still cares a little about me.
"I guess so, yeah. I'm going to miss them, but I can
always go visit for the holidays and stuff." My voice isn't so steady and
I know my eyes betray uncertainty as I say this. It is still a new notion to me
that I won't see them daily anymore, that I won't be such a big part of their
lives anymore, that I won't be there at Suzy's next birthday party or that
Chloe and I will no longer make fun of Jerry Springer's guests together. I
prefer not to dwell on this, as I am not sure of how I feel about it. And I
prefer not to be.
But I do know how I feel about being back here. This city is
home, I am happy to be here, and I go on to refocus my storytelling - so to
speak – on this particular aspect. "I thought," I look up from my
hands on the warm coffee cup, to his eyes. "I thought, this is the perfect
time for me to start living for myself again, you know?" I get from his
pressing nod that he does know.
"I mean, for the last couple years, my main reason for
living were people who, as it happens, were doing just fine without my help.
And I guess I knew it, but I've always been stubborn," He knows this too.
"and I think I just didn't want to accept it. Until they moved, last May,
and I was left with no reason to stay there." I shrug my shoulders and
offer what I hope to be the last clumsy smile of the night.
"How was Phoenix?" He asks. I grin. He missed me.
"Phoenix was... horrible!"
"That bad, huh?"
"Well it was hot. And then hotter in the Summer. More
pollution, too." I explain only half-seriously as I am starting to enjoy
our conversation more. "Awful hospitals, unfriendly staffs... And I must
have moved a good half-dozen of times, but I just never felt home, you
know?" I search his eyes and I find them. And in them, I find the comfort
he always kept there for me. Then I finish with more confidence. "I missed
*cold* Winters with snow and sleet, I missed Chicago, I missed County, I missed...
you, Mark."
There, I said it.
He smiles the first genuine smile of the night at this, and
it's relief that I read across his face. "I missed you too, Susan." I
let out the long breath I had held in as I stopped talking just moments ago, and
he chuckles as I do so. Then he rises to his feet, careful not to disturb the
infant's sleep. "C'mon, hug it out!"
I join him wordlessly in the best one-sided hug I was ever
given, and I rest my chin on his shoulder, my once favorite to cry on. "Welcome
home, Susan" he says warmly, and I feel a tear rolling down my cheek onto
the soft fabric of his shirt. Some habits you just never lose, I suppose.
I'm just starting to believe I could stay here forever, in
his comforting and supportive embrace, the safest place I know. But he pulls
away, and I get back to reality. He is remarried, and he has a baby... It's
been over four years.
"You okay?"
==*~*~*==*~*~*==*~*~*==
Like a snake-eating snake, you confuse me
Who's killer, who's captive, who's free?
In a city that kills by constriction
Throw your streets all around me, and squeeze...
==*~*~*==*~*~*==*~*~*==
"Yeah, um... yeah!" I put a strand of hair back
behind my ear and I fiddle with it as I sit back down, distraught by my own
states of mind.
"Met anyone out there?"
Huh. This catches me off-guard. Of course I haven't met
anyone, I loved him. "Nope. I had a couple boyfriends but it didn't work
out."
"Sorry." He interrupts, truly sorry.
"Yeah, I..." Alright, let's not beat about the
bush. "I never really got over what you said, before I left."
I look down and away, afraid of how he might respond to this
confession.
"But you left anyway."
That's right. I did. He ran all across the city to tell me
that he loved me and ask me to stay, and I just left. I kissed him and then I
watched his face fall and his heart break as the train pulled away. Told him I
loved him, but I didn't hop off the wagon.
"Why?"
"Oh God, Mark, please don't do this." I plead in the
self-pitying whiny voice I hate.
"No, no, I want to know." He insists. "I was
good enough a reason for you to come back, but not for you to stay? Why?"
"Mark," I start defensively. "I didn't even
*know* you had feelings for me... You weren't a factor in my decision, because
I didn't know you wanted me to stay. And then it was too late." I explain
solemnly. "You should have told me earlier, Mark. I would've listened, I
would've considered it." That's true, I would have. But he didn't say
anything. "Why didn't you say anything?"
"Well, I... was coward." He stutters. "I was
just starting to realize how big a part of my life you were." He's looking
down to his baby, and his tone sounds like an apology. "I was pretty
confused myself, and then--"
And then, most eager to find out, I interrupt. "And
then?"
"Then on your last day, after you left the hospital,
Doug took me aside to talk and basically said that if I didn't take my chance
with you I'd regret it all my life. And so I took his advice."
"Doug?" An escape. A way out from this emotionally
draining and difficult talk. Yes, I'll have it, thank you. "How's he
doing? Still working at County? Kill Weaver yet?"
==*~*~*==*~*~*==*~*~*==
Draw down the stars...
Draw down the stars...
What's in your heart?
Your heart...
==*~*~*==*~*~*==*~*~*==
Mark will have none of this and cuts me off. "Look,
Susan, if you don't wanna have this conversation, that's fine." He pauses.
"But there's... one thing I want you to know."
I surrender, ashamed. "Sure, go on."
He is taking the bigger breath now, and I am apprehensive of
what he's going to tell me. "Well, here goes. I had a seizure down in the
ER last year," I feel my eyes widen and my jaw drop as he speaks. And
there's more to it. "And it turned out that I had a brain tumor."
"My God, Mark!" I cover my mouth with my right
hand as I catch myself gasping.
"I was successfully operated in New York before New
Year's," He continues, scaring me more with every word. "But the tumor
came back stronger this Summer..."
I reach out to hold onto his hand laying on the table and
give it a gentle, comforting squeeze.
"Chances are, I won't live through the year... I'd even
be lucky to see Elizabeth's and my first-year wedding anniversary, they
say." His voice and face betray no emotion. He just wanted me to know,
nothing more, nothing less.
He felt that I should know. I don't know how that makes me
feel. I sure am dumbstruck, and not thinking straight right now. I know that when
I came here a half-hour ago, I was far from expecting a shocking revelation
like this. I may have hoped for some 'shocking' revelations, but nothing like
it. Not that kind at all. But this is what I got, and I was thoroughly
unprepared. I look away out the window again while I feel tears building from
my entire body and soul, and cold shivers are frantically going up and down my
spine.
How am I seriously supposed to deal with this? I can't, I
just can't. The thing is, I am scared to death at the thought of losing him,
losing him for good.
"Oh, God, no..." All I can possibly manage is a
desperate cry to a highly hypothetical higher power.
I don't know what to to say, and he has already said all he
had to. Yet, we're still sitting here, across from each other, silent, like two
idiots. I don't want to leave just yet. I don't want to leave him again at a
time he needs me, and I won't.
==*~*~*==*~*~*==*~*~*==
This fluorescent night will divide us
And dissolve to a flickering screen
We all know each other's secrets
Things seen, and not seen...
==*~*~*==*~*~*==*~*~*==
"My glass was half-empty." That's me, out of
nowhere, speaking again after we let the longest minutes go by in silence.
"What?" He asks with puzzlement.
"I guess, you know, when I got to be in charge of
little Suzy... I was happy then. Things were difficult, and I had to work
around my time schedule all the time, and I barely got any sleep at all... but
I was happy, as happy as I've ever been." The thought makes me wistfully
smile and I imagine
there's something of a small sparkle twinkling in my eyes as I recall those
days. "When Chloe took her away, it was like... It was like a part of me
was missing, I was just miserable. You remember that, do you?" Now the
sparkle must be gone, and so is the smile.
He nods.
"Yeah, and I was still not getting any sleep. I kept
having dreams about Suzy where all those bad things happened and they were
driving me insane. So, I decided to move closer to her, and I thought that
would make me happy, because just the thought of it made me feel so much
better."
He nods again.
"I pondered over it and everything it implied for a
while, I weighed the pros and cons... But no matter what came out of it, the
bottom line always was, the prospect of changing more diapers, feeding bottles
in the middle of the night, and seeing regularly a baby I loved and cared so
much about, getting to see her grow... It was all I needed to cheer me up
whenever anything went wrong in my--"
He doesn't nod this time, and I immediately stop talking as
soon as I realize what big a foot I've put into my mouth. He is just staring
intently at his child, on the verge of crying.
"Oh, gosh, Mark, I'm so sorry, I'm an idiot." I
stammer apologetically, smacking a hand to my forehead.
"No," He looks up to me with bloodshoot eyes that
break my heart, and prompts me to continue. "No, do go on, I want to hear
what you're telling me."
"Well, okay..." I gather my spirits and try to
resume the story of Why I Left. "I hated having to leave all you guys, but
all I saw was that I would *finally* be getting my chance to be happy, you
know? When you asked me to stay, I wanted to, and I had a strong feeling I
should, but that could have meant putting that chance in jeopardy, and I didn't
want to risk that. See, I was coward too."
He looks up, and smiles very briefly. "But you weren't
happy there, huh?"
"I was in the beginning, I must say. The first couple
months were great. But I quickly realized something else was missing, something
as important to me as little Suzy. And it was you. Everyone, really, but
especially you, Mark. You were the missing half of my glass." And I grin
sheepishly as I
finish my recount.
"Thank you." He just says, before Ella starts
fidgeting once more and he cooes to her in a soothing voice. "Shh, baby,
shh... Go back to sleep..."
He remains silent for a second and takes a sip of his
coffee. "Doug resigned at County two and a half years ago."
"What happened?" I ask surprised.
"He got in trouble with Weaver and Romano over a kid
with ALD he helped die. And that was the last straw, he got himself a job in
Seattle and packed."
"I see." I nod, regretting not having kept in
touch. "Romano?"
He's amused. "New chief of staff. You'll meet him soon
enough."
"Alright..." I say warily. "How about
Carol?"
"Carol," He announces solemnly "had Doug's
twins on Thanksgiving the year before last, and went to be with him last year,
in May. And the Ross family now lives happily ever after, right by Lake
Washington."
Oh my God. "Oh my God, that's so good for them! I'm
glad they worked things out." But I can't believe I missed all this. How
much would a phone call have been every once in awhile? I guess I was just too
wrapped in my own misfortunes. Shoot!
"Yeah, they're getting married on Christmas Eve. Didn't
you get an invitation?" He asks good-intentioned.
"No..." I am taken aback, badly. "No, I
didn't get one." But can I blame them, really? I gave them all the reasons
to believe I'd forgotten them, and up until minutes ago I knew nothing of their
lives after I left. What kind of a friend does that make me? Not much of a
friend anymore, I guess.
"Oh..."
"Ah, it's okay." I wave off his confusion with a
gesture of my hand. "I don't blame them. How's good old Carter?" I
change subjects. Surely John must lead a brilliant career by now.
"Carter..." Mark sighs, and I fear the worst.
"Was attacked by a patient last year, and went down a downward spiral from
there..."
"Wow." Carter? Downward spiral? I am at a loss for
words, for thoughts. Complete disbelief just cleared my mind of everything.
"Yeah..." Mark confirms, accompanying his words by
a meaningful glance. "I'll let him explain things to you, if he feels up
to it. But he got help and he's been back on track for a year."
I nod positively. Good to know.
"He's been coveting the position you got but his
previous worries ruined his chances. So he helped Chen with her application."
"Chen? Deb Chen?" The least I can say is that
surprises are coming in waves tonight. I am purely astounded.
"Yup, and she likes to be called Jing-Mei now... You'll
get used to it." He adds on a lighter note.
"Well," I start, stutter-shook. "Is there
anything else specific I should know about?"
"Uh, well... Peter's got a son. Carter's cousin OD'd on
heroin. Scotty Anspaugh passed away. Jeanie remarried, adopted a baby with AIDS
and resigned. Carter's student was killed. And obviously, new people
arrived."
Jesus Christ! I can't believe all this happened while I was
gone. It all sounds more like a bad television drama to me than real life. But
lo and behold, this is real life. I'm gonna have to believe it, and face the
facts.
I never thought it would be this hard. But this is my new
shot at happiness. And it didn't start great, but I will make efforts.
"Refill?"
==*~*~*==*~*~*==*~*~*==
Draw down the stars...
Draw down the stars...
What's in your heart?
Your heart...
==*~*~*==*~*~*==*~*~*==
"What?" I jerk my head up and notice for the first
time the waitress standing beside our table.
"Your coffee's cold." Mark says.
"Oh, right, thanks. I'll have another one." The
young lady scribbles my order on a notepad and walks away.
"Is anything wrong?" Mark questions me.
"I don't know, it's just..." I am as confused as
can be. "I *knew* things would be different when I came back. I mean, some
changes are to be expected, that's normal. But I, I didn't expect all of those,
and I just didn't expect so many of them... And I know I shouldn't have broken
all contact with you, or anyone else... I guess I was too excited to bother in the
beginning, and then, I just never found the right time..."
He watches me as I take from her hands the cup the waitress
is bringing me, and I shrug my shoulders as if to signify I have nothing more
to say.
The waitress disappears and Mark speaks up. "Some
things haven't changed, Susan, some things never do."
"Hmph," I snort my unconvinction. "Like
what?"
A smile is tugging at the corner of his mouth. "Like
you. You haven't changed at all."
I snort again. "I don't know whether that's a good or a
bad thing."
"A good thing. It's a very good thing."
"Really?" I raise an eyebrow. "You do know I
still love you, right?"
"Yeah."
"And you think that's a good thing?" Is this
Bizarro World? How do I get out?
There's the bittersweet smile again. "It's always been
you, Susan." He furtively looks away and his eyes are wet when I see them
again. Why is he doing this? "You know, I thought... I truly believed I
loved Jennifer. And before you came back, I truly believed I loved Elizabeth.
My daughters are the most precious things on Earth, and I'd lay down my life
for them."
I listen intensely. I love to hear this and I hate to hear
it all at the same time.
"And I don't plan on leaving my family now. I care
about them as much as one can be cared about, and I wouldn't hurt them for the
world... But I often wondered, 'What if Susan had stayed? Where would I be
now?' I tried to shut out those thoughts, but they kept getting at me. And then
I thought,
'What the Hell, I'm gonna die anyway--"
"Mark..." I want to interrupt, but I have nothing
to say. So, I let him finish.
"All this to say that, no matter how guilty I feel
about it, how... ashamed, low... This is who I am, and I love you."
"Oh, no Mark," I shake my head in denial.
"You don't."
"I do, Susan." He insists. "I do... I always
have, but it was so much more convenient to just ignore it. Since the first
time I found out about the tumor, I've wanted to see you again. I wanted
answers to all the what-if's. I know I won't be getting them now, and I don't
care. All that matters is, you're here. And I hope you will be till the end.
Hey, you may even get to see the Doug and Carol's girls at my funeral!"
His attempt at humor falls flat. I'm not in the mood for a
laugh, especially not about this. "That's not funny, Mark." One more
tear slips out.
"I know."
"So what now?" I ask.
"Nothing, now. Our chance was years ago and we missed
it. I still love you and you love me back, now. That's our happy ending."
I just nod along, taking in his words of wisdom with as
rational a mind as I possibly can. "That's our ending." I repeat
hopelessly.
"Yeah."
Ella wakes up and starts crying, rather loudly. We've been
sitting here for almost an hour and she is hungry. Mark raises her head to his
lips and kisses it lovingly.
"I should get going." He tells me while he
proceeds to stand up. "See you at work on Monday." He turns his back
and walks to the door, whispering to the child words I can still hear
distinctly.
"Shhh, come on, baby. Let's go get Mommy and head
home."
And then he disappears out the door. I watch him through the
window, but he doesn't look back once. Then the waitress comes into view again.
I ask for the check, and I leave shortly after I've paid it. I decide to walk
to my hotel, I want to bathe in the Chicago air for some time before closing this
chapter and turning the page.
==*~*~*==*~*~*==*~*~*==
Draw down the stars...
Draw down the stars...
What's in your heart?
Your heart...
==*~*~*==*~*~*==*~*~*==
Passing by the hospital builds up a ball in my stomach. Only
my heart is bleeding, they don't heal that. I reach the hotel too soon for my
taste. Why did I have to take one so close to work? There's a couple hugging in
the lobby. He is very tall, and she is pretty short. They look so different,
but they seem happy and in love, as if they had just made up after a fight.
They could have been Mark and me, if only we had tried. I wish them the best
from the bottom of my heart.
My room is number 1227. I lay on top of the bed as soon as I
am inside, but I know I won't sleep tonight. Maybe they're right, when they say
you can't go home. But somehow I'm glad I did, in spite of all the ache I am - and
will be - put through.
It was the right thing. I want to have this certainty tonight,
I want to believe it with all my might. Because I fear that by tomorrow
morning, it will just be another on the long list of regrets I have. I fear I
won't remember why I came back here or why I want to stay. Tonight I want to be
sure.
It was the right thing.
THE END.
So, that's it. How did I do? :)
(Note to Lubies: it is indeed Luby that Susan spots in the hotel lobby
w)
~Adeline.