Refuse to Feel (Anything at All)
By: Kyra c/o obiwan_padawan@hotmail.comTitle: Refuse to Feel (Anything at All)
Author: Kyra
Rating: PG-13
Archive: Well Sure! All press is good press!
Feedback: Please…please…I'm dying…
Summary: Sometimes, the path not taken ends up same in the end.
Warnings: Descriptions of suicide. Not really dark.
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Yes, I got the name Jericho from WWF superstar Chris Jericho. It's a good show. As for the XFL, that's another story…The song I used for inspiration (which I need a lot of…) is from the Life House C.D No Name Face that's copy written by BMI. Well, on with the slop fest!
Simon
Lifehouse
Catch your breath hit the wall
Scream out loud as you start to crawl
Back in your cage the only place where they will leave you alone
'Cause the weak will see the weaker until they've broken them
Could you get it back again would it be the same
Fulfillment to their lack of strength at you expense
Left you with no defense they tore it down
And I have felt the same as you
I've felt the same as you
I've felt the same
Locked inside the only place where you feel sheltered
Where you feel safe you lost yourself
In your search to find something else to hide behind
The fearful always preyed upon your confidence
Did they see the consequence when they pushed you around
The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones
Breaking them 'til they've become just another crown
Refuse to feel anything at all
Refuse to slip refuse to fall
Can't be weak can't stand still
Watch your back cause no one will
You don't know why they had to go this far
Traded your worth for these scars for your only company
Don't believe the lies that they have told to you
Not one word was true
You're all right, you're all right
You're all right
Chapter One
Xanatos MesToles felt useless, standing in the doorway of his apartment in the Jedi Temple. His mouth was dry, and his hands were near trembling. The horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach, the one that had started seven months ago, was at its peak. He finally swallowed, and gave a nod to his companion.
"Come in. We shouldn't stand in the hall all day."
Obi-Wan Kenobi, who seemed more content to stare at his boots, kept his head low and ducked inside the apartment. Xanatos' dark eyes followed the boy, before entering as well.
Xanatos fumbled awkwardly for words as he looked around the common room, wanting and trying to find something to say. He saw Obi-Wan take the apartment in with a single sweep of his eyes, before looking down at the tiling. Xanatos tried to smile, but managed only a smirk.
"Home sweet home." His mild tone didn't offer a reply from Obi-Wan. The boy didn't even look up. Shaking his head, after a moment of regret at his comment, Xanatos cleared his throat. "Let's get you settled, then. We don't need Master Windu to come in here and tell you how to unpack, do we?" Obi-Wan gave a small nod, but didn't say anything.
"Right," Xanatos wanted to reach out, and put a hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder, but shied away. "Your room is the first to the right. I've already gotten some of your things from…from you're old apartment."
Obi-Wan didn't look up, but said in a small voice. "You went through our things?"
"Well, I…" Xanatos lost his voice. "They didn't expect you back. They were readying it for storage."
Obi-Wan, after a moments thought, nodded. He finally started towards the room Xanatos had mentioned, and disappeared within. Xanatos ran a shaking hand through his hair, and slumped down on his couch. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, and putting his face in his hands.
"Master, how did this happen?" He whispered to himself. He shook his head, knowing in the back of his mind the answer.
Obi-Wan was under his care now, that's what he had to think about, not something he couldn't change. He knew it now, and seven months ago when Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon first went missing. Everyone had given up nearly five months after the disappearance. There was a memorial service, that Xanatos attended, and their apartment had been readied for storage. Xanatos had prepared Obi-Wan's things when news had come in that Obi-Wan had come back from the dead.
That morning a week ago, the memory still very fresh in his mind, was when all of his hopes had been dashed. He had still held out that they might come back. But now, the report was final. Only Obi-Wan had been found wandering down a dirt back road on a distant Thissi Moon. He was brought to a Republic Embassy in relatively good shape. But he hardly spoke. The few details they had gotten from him were that he was a Jedi, and his Master was dead.
Dead. Dead? Xanatos still didn't want to believe it. Even now that everything had been finalized, and Obi-Wan was officially his Padawan.
Xanatos clenched his fists at the thought. The council had only done that out of pity for him and Obi-Wan. He had been given so many second chances over the years it wasn't funny. They still looked at him like he was incompetent, and unable to handle himself on a mission alone. They still watched him, and monitored his every move, even though he had been granted his knighthood long ago.
Angered, he finally stood. He took a few cooling breaths; he had to calm himself. Be strong for Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan needed him. Though not beaten himself, it was assumed that Obi-Wan had seen some horrible things. Things that Xanatos did not want to think about. Who would have done this? Surely not what the report had summarized, in it being just an unjust group of mercenaries out for blood. But Xanatos had been told to accept it, and move on. Live in the moment.
Running another hand through his hair, he crossed the floor to the door to Obi-Wan's room. He knocked softly and, after a long silence, there was a quiet "Come in."
The door opened, and Xanatos entered a few steps into Obi-Wan's new room.
He found Obi-Wan sitting in the corner of the room, huddled up with his knees up to his chin. He was rocking back and forth, looking as distant as ever.
"Obi-Wan," Xanatos stared, "what's wrong?"
"Everything." Obi-Wan replied.
Xanatos sighed, and crossed the floor to kneel near the Padawan. "There isn't much I can say to reassure you, because I feel the same way. Maybe it is true that the first night back is always the hardest, I'm not certain of that, but it's what the council has told me to say."
Obi-Wan, again, was silent.
"It's time for bed, Obi-Wan, let me help you up." Xanatos stood, and offered his hand to Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan watched as the hand hovered near him. In a slight gesture, Obi-Wan turned away from the hand. Xanatos gazed down, wide eyed.
Words brimmed on the edge of Xanatos' tongue, but he pushed them down. Instead, he took his hand away. He stood there, and stared. Was this the boy who he had helped choose as a padawan for Qui-Gon? This wasn't the same boy who he used to have dinner with every week. Some one had broken him. And that would give Xanatos reason for revenge to any end.
"I'm so sorry, Obi-Wan." He whispered. After he had gotten no reply, he turned, and fled to his room.
That night, Xanatos awoke himself to a night terror. It was normal for him to awake to nightmares, and he became used to the regular ones and the insomnia that followed. But this one was different, because he didn't forget it upon awakening. All of the others had fled his memory the moment he woke up. He hated this new, odd feeling. And the vision that haunted him.
In the terror, he was being chased by something. He was an a familiar area, but couldn't make out where. Whomever was chasing him was going to kill him, and that feeling was clear. But Xanatos wasn't afraid for his life, just Obi-Wan's life.
The feeling wouldn't go away, so Xanatos left his room. Not wanting to leave Obi-Wan alone, Xanatos sat out on the balcony, and stared out on the city. He didn't even try to meditate; it just didn't work any more. The Force seemed to haze around him, and wasn't at all welcoming. It hadn't bid him welcome since the last time he had spoken to Qui-Gon.
That last visit, the one that had taken place a day before the mission to the Thissi Moon. They had spoken about Xanatos finally getting a Padawan. The council had given him permission, after much persuasion on Qui-Gon's part. Xanatos felt like he was getting on with his life. There were no more strange looks in the halls. But when they had lost contact with Qui-Gon on the moon, Xanatos had called off his choosing, and wanted to help in the search. Nothing could be found, and Xanatos had lost it.
He was such a screw up. What had happened to him? He used to do everything perfectly. He had been faultless. He could take on any task and do it with excellent results. He was a success, and would be knighted at an early age. But then he went and screwed things up, and no one would listen to him.
Except his master.
But now his master was gone, and he was pathetic and looked down upon again.
He clenched his teeth together, and pulled himself to his feet. He turned back into his apartment, and punched the wall. Weakling!
"Stupid fool, can't you do anything without your master? Whiny, pathetic, fool…." He muttered to himself. He narrowed his eyes. "Miserable wretch!"
His hands began to shake, and he curled them into fists. Not now…
"Oh Master…things aren't right with me." He sighed. He ran a hand through his hair, and then shuffled back to his room. With a swishing click, his door closed. He never saw Obi-Wan sitting in the common room, in a dark corner, watching him.
"Knight MesToles," The secretary Healer stood, and raised a questioning gaze to the Knight, "We didn't expect you and Obi-Wan until this afternoon." She cocked her head. "Where is Obi-Wan? Is he not with you?"
Xanatos shook his head, and smiled lightly. "No, Obi-Wan is spending some time with Master Billaba in the gardens. I came on my own."
"Oh," the Healer frowned, and looked at the terminal on her desk, "We haven't got much left on our schedule, for you."
"I believe that Master Jericho said that I could come in at any time." He leaned casually on the desk, hoping he didn't look as tired as he felt.
"Master Jericho?" She scanned that screen, then quickly nodded. "Oh yes, it says here. You know where his office is, go on in."
Xanatos smiled, "Thank you, leNese."
The Healers' wing had always made Xanatos uncomfortable, but he became used to it over time. He had spent an awful lot of time here. He wouldn't have lasted if it wasn't for the help of his Master, and Master Jericho.
The door opened just as he was about to buzz in. He was met with a very bright, cheerful, face when he stepped in.
"Hello Xan. Holding up well?" Jericho smiled, rising from the floor and a meditation stance.
Jericho was Xanatos' height, and build, but was at least thirty standard years older. But in Jericho's species, that didn't mean much. He still looked barely over twenty. He had sparkling blue eyes, that never seemed to loose patience. They reminded Xanatos so much of Qui-Gon that it hurt.
"Not well, and barely holding." Xanatos sighed. "I didn't have a good night."
Jericho nodded, and took a seat behind his desk. "Sit. Talk."
Xanatos did so. "I had a nightmare."
"One that you remembered?" Jericho stared back, folding his hands on the desk and leaning back in his chair.
Xanatos, dropping his eyes, nodded.
"Eyes up, Xan. Don't let the negotiation skills you learnt from Qui-Gon go to waste. It's not good measure to drop your eyes when you are bargaining with people's lives, especially yours." Jericho licked his lips. "What do remember about the dream?"
"It wasn't a dream," Xanatos looked up quickly, "It was a nightmare."
"There is a fine line between nightmare and dream. A dream could offer guidance, premonitions, or just be random flashes of energy. Nightmares are hardly different; they just frighten you. Draw the line, Xan. What can you draw from this 'nightmare', if you so insist to call it." Jericho made sure his eyes locked with Xanatos.
Xanatos didn't cringe away from the look. "I was being chased by some one."
"Some one of something?"
"Some one, I'm sure of that now. He was going to kill me, and hurt Obi-Wan." Xanatos pursed his lips, and looked down at his hands, then quickly back up again. "It felt real, Jericho. But my Master always taught me not to put too much trust in dreams."
Jericho smiled. "Sometimes, one has to take a leap. Remember when you used to take leaps, Xan? Go outside the lines, and do things your own way."
"Because my way was always right." Xanatos answered.
Jericho's grin widened. "You are a hypocrite in the true sense of the word, Xan. More hypocritical that your Master."
Xanatos narrowed his eyes. "I came here for comfort and explanations, not for insults and silly advice."
"Xan, when have you ever left with what you came for?" Jericho coolly replied.
Xanatos snorted in amusement, but didn't voice any comment.
Jericho sighed. "How was Obi-Wan on his first night?"
"He wont speak to me, Jericho. He just stares off into space." Xanatos smirked a little. "Can't say I blame him."
"The trauma he's been through is something we can only imagine. I trust you have been doing a lot of imagining?"
Xanatos picked at the fabric of his chair, then looked up at Jericho. "I have a vivid imagination."
Jericho shook his head at Xanatos, and gave a weak smile. "You are wallowing in self pity, Xan, and you're no longer allowed to be like that. Obi-Wan is going to be in need of the Knight Xanatos that I knew barely seven months ago. The one that had finally gotten over himself, and that stupid contempt you had for yourself. Go meditate, Xan, and I'll see you later. And then, I don't expect this silly person I see now. I expect some one stronger. Can you do this, Xan?"
Xanatos nodded, and stood. "I hope you wont give Obi-Wan these same encouraging words."
"As far as I'm concerned, Xan," Jericho's eyes held much seriousness as he spoke, "That boy and you have a lot of courage, but you just need the brains to follow it up."
End Chapter One