Legal Crap: I don't own Gundam Wing, its characters, or its characters' hair. I don't own E.L. Fudge, though I think I may have a bag hidden in Michiwoo's closet. But I do own my thoughts and jokes about Trowa's special blend catnip. O.o Just read it, k? Bon Appetite!
Battle of the Blondes
Part III: A Gathering of the Finest Hair of My Generation
Relena sat at the head of the table, surrounded by the most devious female minds of her generation. After days of whining and begging, she'd made her army consisting of Hilde, Good Lady Une*, Bad Lady Une*, Dorothy Catalonia and Mariemaia (who was, by now, a very respectable 10 years old).
"My dearest comrades," Relena began, sounding not unlike a Russian communist leader, "I've brought you here for one, simple reason: to wage violent, bloody war against Quatre Raberba Winner."
Bad Lady Une and Dorothy started laughing louder than hyenas on Trowa's lion's catnip.
Relena pouted. "What's so damn funny?"
Dorothy stopped laughing long enough to look at Relena and ask, "Relena, what does pacifism mean?"
Relena turned red with anger and embarrassment. "It means... um, it means... I am the Queen of Sanq Kingdom! I do not have to put up with such insub... uh, insub... insubordination!"
At this, Bad Lady Une and Dorothy started cackling wildly.
When they'd stopped, Relena continued. "Alright, let's go around the table and each say an idea. Hilde, why don't we start with you?"
Hilde, who hadn't been paying attention till now sudden perked up. "'Kay. I'd like to demonstrate my idea."
Relena shrugged. "Sure, why not?"
Hilde smiled and giggled. "Okay, the first step is to grab a bag of Spring E.L Fudge Cookies." Placing the bag on the table, she grabbed a little elf cookie and instructed everyone else to do the same. Her audience shrugged, but didn't question. "Next, visualize that you're holding a little Quatre, instead of a little elf." To demonstrate her point, Hilde crossed her eyes, much to the amusement of Dorothy and Bad Lady Une. "And finally, placing the cookie between your index finger and thumb," she paused, looking at the cookie, "BITE THE HEAD OFF!" As she yelled her final command, she viciously crunched down on the head of the elf-shaped cookie.
Placing their uneaten cookies back on the table, the group stared at Hilde and shook their heads in disgust.
"What? What'd I do?" asked Hilde, who had thought her idea was quite ingenious.
"Hilde," Relena sighed, "what exactly does your plan accomplish?"
Hilde paused, placing her index finger on her chin in thought as she continued to eat her cookies' heads. "Well, you get to eat cookies! Besides, doesn't it get a point across?"
Ignoring the question, Relena moved on to the next femme fatale. She looked next at Good and Bad Lady Une as Good Lady Une carefully unbraided their hair. "Do either of you have an idea?"
Bad Lady Une, who suddenly became aware that her kinder alter ego was undoing their braid, spoke up. "Let's just blow him up! Now somebody come over hear and redo my braid!"
To this, Good Lady Une had only to reply, "Violence is not the answer," as she continued to unravel the sinister braid.
"Of course it is!"
"It's never the answer!"
"It's always the answer!"
The others watched, perplexed, as Lady Une continued to have arguments with herself.
"Which ones the real one?" Hilde whispered across the table to Mariemaia.
Mariemaia shrugged. "I've never really been sure."
Relena coughed decisively, and the conversation was over. "Dorothy, I believe it's your turn."
Dorothy smiled and raised one large, cockroach eyebrow. "No question, all we need to do is impale him with a fencing foil."
Bad Lady Une nodded approvingly. "I admire your ideas and wish to know the URL of your website so that I may learn more."
"Sure, www.IliketostalkRelena.com/IloveRelena."
Relena, who'd been pondering over where she was going to get a fencing foil from, suddenly turned toward Dorothy at the sound of her name. "What'd you say?"
Dorothy smirked. "Nothing Miss Relena. I was just admiring how nice your dress is."
"Oh, yes. I'd say it's uniquely me (since I got it and its duplicates custom made), but you're wearing the same one. Where'd you get that from anyway?"
"Let's just say I found it during my rounds and leave it at that, okay?"
"Um, sure. Alright Mariemaia, do you have an idea?"
Mariemaia smiling like the kawaii villianiss she is replied, "I thought you'd never ask." Pulling down a map of the Earth, which had been strategically plotted with small, yellow happy faces, she began to unveil her scheme. "Okay, first we take control of Japan. Once they see how cute I am, they'll put me at the top in no time! Next, I say we bomb Pearl Harbor."
"Why?" asked Dorothy, her other cockroach eyebrow raised.
"I want freshly baked bananas... NOW!" Mariemaia growled.
"I'm sorry I asked."
"Okay, once we've bombed Pearl Harbor and eaten all the bananas we can stomach-"
"Excuse me," Relena interjected.
"Miss Relena, don't be rude." Mariemaia, who was getting quite miffed, hissed. "As I was saying before I was so RUDELY interrupted, after we bomb-"
"What does this have to do with getting revenge on Quatre?" Relena yelled, pounding her fist on the table.
"Quatre? Who's Quatre?"
Good Lady Une turned to her adoptive child and whispered, "You know, honey, that albino Gundam pilot?"
"Oooh, that one."
"He's not albino!" Dorothy shrieked. "He just has a creamy complexion!"
Hilde, who'd been fairly quiet so far, began singing, "Dorothy and Quatre, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"
"I DON'T LIKE HIM!" Dorothy screamed, breaking all the glass within 10 miles. Pouncing the singing Hilde, she began punching anyone she could reach. After 5 minutes, everyone in the room (sans Mariemaia, who was still puzzled as to they really wanted to hurt such a small, insignificant boy) was in what seemed to be the largest, most violent catfight of the century.
"Grown ups are so silly," Mariemaia reflected, shielding her face from the flying hair.
*~*~*
* I'd like to clarify that, yes, I am aware that there is only one Lady Une. But to keep things a little clearer, I gave each personality a, shall I say ingenious, name.
Battle of the Blondes
Part III: A Gathering of the Finest Hair of My Generation
Relena sat at the head of the table, surrounded by the most devious female minds of her generation. After days of whining and begging, she'd made her army consisting of Hilde, Good Lady Une*, Bad Lady Une*, Dorothy Catalonia and Mariemaia (who was, by now, a very respectable 10 years old).
"My dearest comrades," Relena began, sounding not unlike a Russian communist leader, "I've brought you here for one, simple reason: to wage violent, bloody war against Quatre Raberba Winner."
Bad Lady Une and Dorothy started laughing louder than hyenas on Trowa's lion's catnip.
Relena pouted. "What's so damn funny?"
Dorothy stopped laughing long enough to look at Relena and ask, "Relena, what does pacifism mean?"
Relena turned red with anger and embarrassment. "It means... um, it means... I am the Queen of Sanq Kingdom! I do not have to put up with such insub... uh, insub... insubordination!"
At this, Bad Lady Une and Dorothy started cackling wildly.
When they'd stopped, Relena continued. "Alright, let's go around the table and each say an idea. Hilde, why don't we start with you?"
Hilde, who hadn't been paying attention till now sudden perked up. "'Kay. I'd like to demonstrate my idea."
Relena shrugged. "Sure, why not?"
Hilde smiled and giggled. "Okay, the first step is to grab a bag of Spring E.L Fudge Cookies." Placing the bag on the table, she grabbed a little elf cookie and instructed everyone else to do the same. Her audience shrugged, but didn't question. "Next, visualize that you're holding a little Quatre, instead of a little elf." To demonstrate her point, Hilde crossed her eyes, much to the amusement of Dorothy and Bad Lady Une. "And finally, placing the cookie between your index finger and thumb," she paused, looking at the cookie, "BITE THE HEAD OFF!" As she yelled her final command, she viciously crunched down on the head of the elf-shaped cookie.
Placing their uneaten cookies back on the table, the group stared at Hilde and shook their heads in disgust.
"What? What'd I do?" asked Hilde, who had thought her idea was quite ingenious.
"Hilde," Relena sighed, "what exactly does your plan accomplish?"
Hilde paused, placing her index finger on her chin in thought as she continued to eat her cookies' heads. "Well, you get to eat cookies! Besides, doesn't it get a point across?"
Ignoring the question, Relena moved on to the next femme fatale. She looked next at Good and Bad Lady Une as Good Lady Une carefully unbraided their hair. "Do either of you have an idea?"
Bad Lady Une, who suddenly became aware that her kinder alter ego was undoing their braid, spoke up. "Let's just blow him up! Now somebody come over hear and redo my braid!"
To this, Good Lady Une had only to reply, "Violence is not the answer," as she continued to unravel the sinister braid.
"Of course it is!"
"It's never the answer!"
"It's always the answer!"
The others watched, perplexed, as Lady Une continued to have arguments with herself.
"Which ones the real one?" Hilde whispered across the table to Mariemaia.
Mariemaia shrugged. "I've never really been sure."
Relena coughed decisively, and the conversation was over. "Dorothy, I believe it's your turn."
Dorothy smiled and raised one large, cockroach eyebrow. "No question, all we need to do is impale him with a fencing foil."
Bad Lady Une nodded approvingly. "I admire your ideas and wish to know the URL of your website so that I may learn more."
"Sure, www.IliketostalkRelena.com/IloveRelena."
Relena, who'd been pondering over where she was going to get a fencing foil from, suddenly turned toward Dorothy at the sound of her name. "What'd you say?"
Dorothy smirked. "Nothing Miss Relena. I was just admiring how nice your dress is."
"Oh, yes. I'd say it's uniquely me (since I got it and its duplicates custom made), but you're wearing the same one. Where'd you get that from anyway?"
"Let's just say I found it during my rounds and leave it at that, okay?"
"Um, sure. Alright Mariemaia, do you have an idea?"
Mariemaia smiling like the kawaii villianiss she is replied, "I thought you'd never ask." Pulling down a map of the Earth, which had been strategically plotted with small, yellow happy faces, she began to unveil her scheme. "Okay, first we take control of Japan. Once they see how cute I am, they'll put me at the top in no time! Next, I say we bomb Pearl Harbor."
"Why?" asked Dorothy, her other cockroach eyebrow raised.
"I want freshly baked bananas... NOW!" Mariemaia growled.
"I'm sorry I asked."
"Okay, once we've bombed Pearl Harbor and eaten all the bananas we can stomach-"
"Excuse me," Relena interjected.
"Miss Relena, don't be rude." Mariemaia, who was getting quite miffed, hissed. "As I was saying before I was so RUDELY interrupted, after we bomb-"
"What does this have to do with getting revenge on Quatre?" Relena yelled, pounding her fist on the table.
"Quatre? Who's Quatre?"
Good Lady Une turned to her adoptive child and whispered, "You know, honey, that albino Gundam pilot?"
"Oooh, that one."
"He's not albino!" Dorothy shrieked. "He just has a creamy complexion!"
Hilde, who'd been fairly quiet so far, began singing, "Dorothy and Quatre, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"
"I DON'T LIKE HIM!" Dorothy screamed, breaking all the glass within 10 miles. Pouncing the singing Hilde, she began punching anyone she could reach. After 5 minutes, everyone in the room (sans Mariemaia, who was still puzzled as to they really wanted to hurt such a small, insignificant boy) was in what seemed to be the largest, most violent catfight of the century.
"Grown ups are so silly," Mariemaia reflected, shielding her face from the flying hair.
*~*~*
* I'd like to clarify that, yes, I am aware that there is only one Lady Une. But to keep things a little clearer, I gave each personality a, shall I say ingenious, name.