It's Family Business
Chapter OneAizawa Shouta logically knew that what he was seeing was impossible. A toddler jamming their elbow into a grown man's jewels and flipping them over should not be allowed to exist in Shouta's reality. The fact the kid was the color of a vegetable did nothing to help the situation.
But there he was, an insomniatic twenty-two year old on his midnight break, witnessing the reincarnation of broccoli flip a man over his shoulder and then step on his windpipe. A mask covered the mouth, but Shouta could swear there was a grin under it.
Shouta activated his quirk; perhaps the kid had a strength augmentation. Nothing. As in, Broccoli backed up before doing a running jump onto the now sobbing man's stomach.
"Uh, kid?" He was a hero, obviously he should help the child? Or should he be saving the man at this point?
Broccoli stopped right as he was lifting the man's bloody skull off the ground for reasons Shouta did not want to imagine.
Slowly the kid reached up and lowered the mask.
"Yes?" A childlike voice asked. And no, the lilt and innocently sweet smile that turned towards him did not make Shouta want to just leave, thank you very much.
"I'm a hero. Mind explaining?"
He had seen the man grab onto the boy drunkenly, but still. Perhaps Broccoli had another grievance? Never had Shouta seen such a takedown for drunken misconduct.
Broccoli's eyes brightened. "Oh! I'm sorry, Erasurehead-san," the kid gushed, and Shouta feared for his life the way the kid said it, "but this trash heap tried to mess with me. Momma always says that you gotta take the trash out before it grows too big, you know? It's our family business."
No. No, Shouta did not know that, and the fact a toddler knew that made Nedzu seem almost sane in retrospect. At least the rat didn't teach literal baby vegetables mafia rules. Shouta so wanted to just give the kid a knowing nod. Maybe let him know he wouldn't spill his family business secrets, and just leave.
But, unfortunately, he was a hero.
"Kid," he said, "I'll need some personal information, okay?"
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After getting the man (who turned out to be a serial flasher, who knew) handed off to the police, Shouta had reluctantly offered to walk the baby Broccoli home.
Was he aware that Broccoli was actually seven-year old quirkless Izuku Midoriya? Yes. Would he call him that? Absolutely not, there was no way he was human. And quirkless was laughable.
Shouta knew what the base human body could do. He was aware that quirkless people were just as capable as quirked people in life, as the body could do amazing feats of strength.
That did not mean a seven year old (who looked about four) should be able to flip a man three times his weight and destroy any forms of rebellion from his victim. Shouta refused to believe it, not when coupled with that smile.
Knocking on the door of a coffee shop at two-am was not what Shouta had in mind for the kid's residence. When the door flew open and he was ripped inside by his hair, he couldn't say he was surprised however, knowing the kid. The various knives pointed at him, along with what looked to be a sniper rifle, really just finished the aesthetic. Two adults, one that was a full grown Broccoli and the other a dragon, peered down at him.
Shouta wisely did not activate his quirk.
"Hi, Momma," Izuku said, "Papa. Eraserhead saved me from a flasher! He's my hero!"
Well this kid just said a boldfaced lie. And with such conviction. The mother stalk blinked, then broke out into tears. He was once again ripped by his hair, but this time into a hug between the dragon and the mother stalk.
"Really? That's amazing! Thank you, Eraserhead-san! Thank you so much!"
"A real man, you are! Taking care of our little Izuku."
"Thank you!"
Broccoli joined in on the hug. Shouta decided to once more not question this turn of events. It was too late for such illogical worries.
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The Midoriya family owned a quaint coffee shop, living above it. They were pillars of the community, and Shouta vaguely remembered some officers recommending the place.
While drinking the most delicious coffee his abyss of a soul had ever drank, and chatting with the family, Shouta called bullshit.
"Again, thank you, dear," Inko said, that same smile that Broccoli had, "my little Izu-chan likes to get in over his head at times."
He took another sip, and ignored the family of starry eyes that looked at him.
"It was… my duty."
Hisashi, the father, scoffed. "You'd be surprised. Nobody usually stops to help! Most heroes wouldn't even walk our Izu-chan home if they did, not after they found out he's quirkless."
Ah. The lucky bastards could sense the demonic energy running through Broccoli too. Only Shouta was fool enough to run towards it, instead of away.
"Quirklessness is a non-factor for those who are logical; everyone deserves our help."
More sniffles. Broccoli and Mother Stalk move in for another hug. Shouta ignores both the instinct to flee for his life, and the feeling of being wanted.
"Remember Izu-chan, what's our motto?" Inko asked when the fountains of salt slowed down.
"I was born too OP for this mortal plane, and the universe had to nerf me somehow!"
Yes. Yes, that was true, Shouta thought. He would not be surprised if the universe quivered in fear of the child and did anything possible to save reality.
"That's a good motto," he said.
Hisashi laughed, shooting fire into the air.
"And this is why you're now a Midoriya! Welcome to the family!"
Wait. What? Shouta did not want to be within a continent of this family, much less one of them!
"Is it true that your quirk has a twenty-nine second window before you have to blink, meaning that a villain should time their attack for twenty-nine-point-seven seconds?"
He was not paid enough for this.
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Inko Midoriya gave one last hug before sending the boy back on his patrol. What an angel, she really had to look into his living situation, though; no human who saved her baby should look quite that homeless.
"Momma, he was so cool."
Inko crouched down to be eye-level with her now pajama-clad son. "I know! Izu-chan did you have fun tonight?"
He nodded. "Uh-huh. I captured the bad guy, and I didn't even have to use my glock!"
Oh, how precious. Her little boy was already proficient enough to take the trash out without relying on other means.
"I'm so proud of you, Izu-chan. Now, how about we go read a story with Papa before bed?"
She held out a hand for him to take, which he did as they walked up to their home.
"So cool! Can Papa read the one with the happy ending?"
Inko thought for a moment about which one that could be. Most of the books they read had happy endings; they were great parents, after all.
"Hmm, do you mean "how to torture your enemies in five easy steps" by any chance?"
"Yeah!"
"Of course, dear; you did wonderful on your first patrol."
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Izuku had fallen asleep before they were through the third page. Inko snuggled into Hisashi's side as they watched over their sweet child.
"He's so perfect, Hisashi. I could watch him sleep forever"
"I know dear. But we need to get going."
She sighed. "Yes, we do have a job to do, I suppose. Villains won't rip their own hearts out, after all."
Hisashi rubbed soothing hands down his wife's arms. She was always the most beautiful when she talked like this.
"Of course, dear. We'll be back by the time the shop opens, Izuku knows his chores."
Inko nodded, already fixing her hair. They were hired for a certain contract, one that they had put off to be with Izuku's savior. Now, though, they had to get back to work. Maybe they could bring Izu-chan another knife back, or perhaps a new (read: more powerful) weapon.
Yes, she decided as they set off. A flame thrower would be a perfect congratulations gift.
End. Okay, okay, yes I know it's a new idea while I'm already working on other stuff. But hear me out!
Inko and Hisashi being vigilantes/contract killers is a trope I need to see more often. That, and good parent Midoriyas. Add in poor Shouta just knowing something is wrong with this family and you have my absolute favorite thing to read… and I guess write tonight? I got the reincarnation of broccoli from a friend, who read it in a fic, and I KNOW I'VE READ IT, but I'm trying to remember the title.
Anyway, let me know how y'all like it. It kind of has that chaotic energy of my Kitten Quirk: Freeloading story, with the good family vibes of Coffee Shop Hero.
Not sure if I should continue it, because this is kind of ridiculous, but we'll see.
Ps... I posted this awhile ago on AO3, so just be aware. I'll try to cross post as I continue this :).
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