I dropped the flowers I had been
holding. A slight rustle ensued as they landed on the floor.
Neither of them looked up.
I turned my face away and walked
down the corridor. I felt something drop from the side of my eye
down to my cheek. Reaching up to touch my face, I brought my finger
down and regarded what was on it. A single drop of moisture.
Was I crying?
I had never cried before in my life.
Then again, neither had I smiled before Ikari-kun came. It seemed
befitting that he be the one to bring tears to my eyes. He had the
right. After all, he was the one who had made me smile.
Smiling and crying. Expressions
of emotions that were on the opposite ends of a spectrum. Why did
he bring out so different emotions in me?
I had merely intended to bring flowers
for Ikari-kun. It was the normal practice to visit people who were
injured, and to bring along a small gift, or so I was told. I never
thought it would end with me crying.
He once told me that people cried
when they were unhappy, but they could also cry when they were happy.
So was I happy or unhappy? Instinctively, I knew that what I felt
was not happiness. Was I unhappy then? Was I unhappy about
them being together?
Logically, I should be unhappy, as
happiness is ruled out. But this statement brought another question
to my lips. Why was I unhappy? After all, I had seen people
kissing before. Misato and Kaji, Hikari and Touji. Why was
it different when I was watching them? Why was I unhappy to see them
like that?
Perhaps it was because I liked Ikari-kun.
He was the only person who I could actually call a friend. Perhaps
I did not like anybody to be as close to him as I was.
But as I recalled the memory of the
Second Child, bending over the hospital bed, her lips gently touching his,
both of their eyes closed...I realised that it pained me. It pained
me to see them like that, sharing that intimacy which I could never have,
or hope to have.
It was more emotion than was suitable
for a friend. Perhaps I had what Misato would call a ' crush ' on
Ikari-kun. She had told me that it was when a person liked another
person in a romantic sense, as more than friends. Perhaps that was
what I felt for him.
But...somehow, I felt that there
was something deeper. Something more than a mere attraction.
Ikari-kun had been the first person,
the only person, to have been interested in me as a person. Commander
Ikari treated me as a tool, a useful tool, that could be used to further
his
purpose. The Second Child...Asuka...she didn't hate me, or at least
I didn't think she did. She treated me as a colleague. Necessary
to keep around, not necessary to associate with. She mocked me.
Wondergirl, doll...those were the names that she called me. The people
at school...they avoided me. To them I was cold, something to be
seen but not touched.
At times, I felt like screaming out
to them: " I'm human too! " I had feelings, even if I hid them, and
I could feel hurt. I could feel left out. And worse of all,
I could feel alone.
Ikari-kun was...different.
He cared about me. He wanted to get to know the real me. Not
the pilot, not the colleague, not the classmate. He wanted me.
And it dawned on me, this was the
reason. This was why I was willing to smile for him.
And this time, perhaps, willing to
cry.
I have to apologise. I know
that in my previous story, Smile, I promised that the next fic I
wrote would be a Rei and Shinji one, but this definitely is not.
I didn't intend for it to turn out this way. This idea just somehow
came to me, and I thought it was something worth writing out. I swear,
I absolutely did not intend to torture Rei this way. I love writing
for her, and I love writing in her viewpoint. It's just that currently
all her viewpoints tend to go towards angst, and romantic angst at that.
I promise, somehow, someday, I will churn out a Rei and Shinji fic.
I don't know if you guys noticed,
but several things in this story can be said to be the direct opposites
of certain elements in my previous story. I don't intend to list
it out here, but I'm sure you'll be able to find them on your own.
As I mentioned in the summary, this is not a sequel to Smile.
It may be related in some ways, but after reading this, you should have
realised that the plotlines don't match.
Before I leave, I would like to thank
all the people that have reviewed and given me their advice and opinions
on my first story. You've helped me a lot ( and I've actually gained
a bit of confidence ). I hope you'll like this one as well.
Once again, thank you, and, as I like to say, 'til the next story!
- Ayanami Rei ( author )
