"One Potato, Two Potato, Three Potato, Four"
CAST
Jed Bartlet
Leo McGarry
Josh Lyman
Toby Zeigler
CJ Cregg
Sam Seaborn
Donna Moss
Stanley Rockford
Michael Edwards
Secretary
Carol
Margaret
Bonnie
Ginger
President of the United States (POTUS)
Chief of Staff
Deputy Chief of Staff
Director of Communications
Press Secretary
Deputy Director of Communications
Josh Lyman's Assistant
Secretary of Agriculture
A Lawyer for Monsanto
Stanley Rockford's Assistant
CJ Cregg's Assistant
Leo McGarry's Assistant
Toby Zeigler's Assistant
Toby Zeigler's Assistant
1
Scene one: White House basement pipe room. One pipe is dripping. SAM and JOSH are trying to fix it. DONNA is trying to stop them.
DONNA: Are you sure we shouldn't just call a plumber?
JOSH: (tightening the pipe) Definitely not. Sam and I are perfectly capable of fixing this leak.
DONNA: Well, what about a guidebook? Something that tells us what to do?
JOSH: We don't need a guidebook. Sam and I have fixed many a pipe. Right Sam?
SAM: Yeah. Remember that time in your apartment building . . . (fades off)
DONNA: And what happened?
SAM: (shrugs) We flooded the basement. (DONNA gives them a look) But that's not the point. The point is that this is the White House and we won't do that here.
(JOSH jerks the wrench too hard and the pipe breaks. A stream of water pours out and soaks SAM and JOSH)
DONNA: (sarcastically) I thought this was the White House.
JOSH: (glares at DONNA) Just go and get help. (DONNA leaves. SAM and JOSH try to stop the water with some towels)
(DONNA enters the communications bullpen. CJ and TOBY are watching a CNN news report on television)
DONNA: CJ, Toby. We have a little crisis in the basement.
(CJ turns around and sees DONNA holding her shoes in her hand and sees that the hem of her skirt is wet.)
CJ: What happened?
DONNA: Sam and Josh tried to fix a leak . . . (CJ and TOBY rush off to the basement. DONNA follows)
(The basement pipe room now has four inches of water on the ground and SAM and JOSH are calling for more towels. CJ, TOBY, and DONNA enter)
CJ: What the hell happened?
JOSH: Well it seems that Sam thought he could fix the leak but, well (motions around the room)
CJ: I can see tomorrow's headline now; there will be a picture of you two in here, soaking wet with the caption: The New White House Plumbers.
(SAM and JOSH glare at CJ)
TOBY: We should assign secret service agents to both of you to stop you from doing things like this. First you almost set the White House on fire and now you flood the basement.
DONNA: I tried to stop them but, no, they knew how to fix it.
CJ: Well, we should get more towels and turn this thing off before-
(LEO'S voice can be heard coming down the hallway)
LEO: CJ, Toby! (Splashes into the room) What the hell happened in here?
JOSH: Well, it seems that Sam though he could fix the leak.
(LEO gives JOSH a look)
JOSH: Ok, I thought I could fix the leak.
LEO: (sighs) CJ, go get someone who can fix this before it gets worse. (Pipe explodes and a giant jet stream of water soaks everyone)
JOSH: Spoke too soon there, Leo.
(roll credits)
Scene two: Later that same morning. Everyone has changed clothes after the flood and is now sitting in the Oval Office waiting for POTUS. CJ is trying to dry her hair.
LEO: (to SAM and JOSH) You guys are never ever aloud to touch anything that has to do with fire, electricity, or water. Got it? I don't want to come to work again next week and find out that you've blown out the phone system, or whatever, while trying to fix it.
SAM: We'll make sure it never happens again. (Looks at JOSH)
LEO: CJ, will you tell Donna to tell them the same thing later? She always seems to be there when they're in their "stupid mode"
CJ: Sure, Leo.
(POTUS enters. Everyone stands)
POTUS: Good morning everyone.
EVERYONE: Good morning Mr. President.
POTUS: Sam, Josh, I suppose I have you two to thank for the lovely little flood in the basement this morning?
JOSH: (muttering) Man, news gets around fast.
POTUS: Yes it does, Josh. (JOSH raises his eyebrows at this)
SAM: We promise it will never happen again, Sir.
POTUS: I'm sure it won't. (Sits down in an armchair. Everyone else sits.) So, what are we all here to talk about this lovely morning in May?
TOBY: We're here to discuss our position on Biotech foods, Sir.
CJ: The press has been asking questions since Monsanto has put their "Terminator Seeds" out on the market. They're not going to stop till they have some sort of answer.
SAM: Green Peace has also been quite a problem since the introduction of the "Terminator Seed". They've been putting a lot of pressure on us to make a decision or at least to make a statement on trying to make a decision.
POTUS: Then, give them the statement that we're trying to make a decision. CJ can mention something about it in this morning's press briefing. (CJ nods)
POTUS: Anything else?
EVERYONE: No. Thank you, Mr. President.
(Everyone leaves. MARGARET signals to LEO through the open door at JOSH)
LEO: Josh, can I see you in my office for a second?
JOSH: Sure.
(JOSH follows LEO to his office)
LEO: Don't forget your meeting with Stan. He's probably waiting for you in your office now.
JOSH: Yeah, I know. Why'd you call me in here?
LEO: Well, Stan can be hard to deal with.
JOSH: I know, Leo. I've worked with him before. What did you really want to tell me?
(Behind JOSH, MARGARET signals to LEO through the open door.)
LEO: Never mind. Just go and talk with Stan.
JOSH: (raises an eyebrow) Okay.
Scene three: The Secretary of Agriculture, STANLEY ROCKFORD is in JOSH'S office waiting for JOSH. JOSH enters.)
JOSH: Sorry to keep you waiting, Stan. (Shakes hands with ROCKFORD as he sits down behind his desk)
ROCKFORD: That's ok. I'm just glad you found time for me in your busy schedule.
JOSH: So, what did you want to talk about?
ROCKFORD: Well, I've noticed that Monsanto has just put their new "Terminator Seed" out on the market and even with all the pressure you guys haven't done anything.
JOSH: I know. We are making a statement today on where we are on a decision.
ROCKFORD: Ok, good. We were starting to get worried that you guys would never say anything and we wouldn't get what Monsanto owes us.
JOSH: Owes you? You're a department of the federal government. There us no reason why you should be able to get money from a giant corporation. It's illegal.
ROCKFORD: There is no law that says we can't help a company develop a scientific experiment.
JOSH: A scientific experiment with royalties of 5%?
ROCKFORD: What we get from Monsanto is confidential business. You shouldn't know any of it.
JOSH: Donna!
(DONNA enters)
JOSH: Please give Mr. Rockford here the file we have on his government department.
(DONNA gives JOSH a weird look and nods.) (DONNA exits)
ROCKFORD: You guys can't have files on us! This is an invasion of privacy!
JOSH: Stan, I'm an advisor to the President of the United States. I could get my hands on almost anything your department has ever done.
(ROCKFORD glares at JOSH but doesn't say anything. DONNA returns with the file and hands it to JOSH. DONNA exits)
(JOSH opens the file and starts reading from it)
JOSH: "For it's help with developing the "Terminator Seed", the Department of Agriculture will earn royalties of 5% net sales."
(JOSH hands ROCKFORD the file)
JOSH: Along with earning all this money you guys also applied for patens in 78 different countries for this new "Terminator Seed". I'm ashamed of you. I never thought I'd see the day that the USDA was bribed by an over achieving, money obsessed company.
(ROCKFORD stares at JOSH for a moment then rises.)
ROCKFORD: (puts the file on JOSH'S desk) Thank you for your time, Josh. I'll see myself out. (ROCKFORD leaves)
Scene four: SAM is sitting in his office trying to work. TOBY is bouncing his rubber ball against the wall in his office.
(SAM looks at the window between his office and TOBY'S then tries to continue to work but TOBY keeps bouncing the ball. SAM gives up and walks over to TOBY'S office)
SAM: What's wrong?
TOBY: (keeps bouncing the ball) There's something up with the USDA and I don't like it.
SAM: Josh is meeting with Rockford right now. If anything's up we'll know about it.
TOBY: No, what ever is happening they won't tell us.
SAM: What do you mean?
TOBY: There's something going on with the USDA that they're trying to cover up. (bounces the ball harder) Something that has to do with Monsanto.
SAM: Okay?
TOBY: Bonnie has picked up a couple of calls from Monsanto while trying to reach the USDA. Something is going on and we need to find out what.
(CJ sticks her head into TOBY'S office)
CJ: Guys, Josh wants to talk to us in his office.
TOBY: (Stands up and looks pointedly at SAM) This is it.
(SAM and TOBY follow CJ to JOSH'S office)
SAM: You think that Josh noticed something about the USDA?
TOBY: I know he noticed something about the USDA.
(CJ, SAM, and TOBY enter JOSH'S office)
TOBY: (to JOSH) What happened?
JOSH: (hands TOBY the file) The USDA is getting money from Monsanto because they helped develop the "Terminator Seed"
CJ: Money? Isn't that illegal?
JOSH: Yeah.
TOBY: You just figured this out?
JOSH: No, Toby. I found out a long time ago and thought I wouldn't tell anyone.
CJ: Lose the sarcasm, Josh. We don't need you to be almost fired.
SAM: Again.
TOBY: What happened with Rockford?
JOSH: He's nervous. There's definitely something going on that they're trying to hide.
CJ: We've established that, but what else do we know?
TOBY: Not much else.
CJ: Well that's a lot of help.
JOSH: What we need is to be able to understand these "Terminator Seeds" and other environmental issues and then we can make decisions.
TOBY: The decisions need to be made now.
CJ: They can't be made till we know more. I agree with Josh, let's do some research and then meet again.
SAM: We'll have to tell Leo, too, or he'll pop a blood vessel or something after finding out that we've been blowing off what we should be doing to get to the bottom of the next Watergate.
JOSH: (sighs) I'll tell Leo. Now, everyone just go back to your office and read everything you can find on this junk.
(Everyone gets up and leaves JOSH'S office. Camera follows CJ)
(CJ's office)
CJ: Carol, I need information on genetically engineered foods and laws surrounding patents.
CAROL: (nods) There's someone in your office.
CJ: (nods and enters her office) Uh . . . hello?
(the man sitting in an arm chair stands up and turns around)
EDWARDS: CJ, I haven't seen you in a while. (shakes her hand)
CJ: (a little uncertain) Michael! (laughs nervously) Why are you here?
EDWARDS: I thought I'd stop by and see you before I went to my meeting.
CJ: Oh, who are you meeting with?
EDWARDS: I'm meeting with Josh Lyman in ten minutes.
CJ: (a little surprised) Oh? Are you working on the tobacco case?
EDWARDS: Actually, I'm no longer a working for the government. I'm a lawyer for Monsanto now.
CJ: (sits down at her desk) Really . . .
EDWARDS: Yeah, so I thought that, as long as I'm here, I might as well stop by and see how you are.
CJ: Well, I'm fine. (beat) You know it's kinda funny that you're here now, 'cause we were just talking about Monsanto.
EDWARDS: Really? The "Terminator Seeds"?
CJ: (nods) (hesitates a minute, then asks) What do these "Terminator Seeds" do?
EDWARDS: Well, the plant really just kills it's own embryos so there are no seeds next time around.
CJ: How do you get corn, or any other plant we eat the seed from, then?
EDWARDS: (glances at his watch) The USDA would know better then me. I'm just a lawyer. (looks at his watch again) Well, it's been nice to see you again, CJ.
CJ: You too, Michael. (they shake hands)
(EDWARDS leaves)
CJ: Carol! Get me the Department of Agriculture.
(CJ stares out the window for a minute)
CAROL: Department of Agriculture, CJ.
CJ: (picks up phone) Hey Eli. (listens to ELI) Yeah, I'm fine. Listen, I've got a question on your new "Terminator Seeds". (ELI talks again) Uh huh. Uh huh. All right, I'll try Monsanto again. (hangs up the phone and sighs)
CJ: Carol, get me Monsanto!
Scene five: JOSH is in his office looking through a file while waiting for EDWARDS.
(DONNA enters with EDWARDS close behind.)
DONNA: Michael Edwards is here, Josh.
JOSH: (nods.) Okay. (DONNA exits leaving EDWARDS there. JOSH stops reading and puts the file down) So, Michael, what is it that you need?
EDWARDS: (sits down) I'm here to ask you for a patent on Monsanto's new potatoes.
JOSH: A patent? (EDWARDS nods) Well, what do these potatoes do?
EDWARDS: Well, they're not ready to be sold yet, but what happens is when the potatoes need to be watered they glow in the dark.
JOSH: They glow in the dark? The potatoes glow on the dark?
EDWARDS: Well, not all the time, just when they need to be watered.
JOSH: You want a patent for potatoes that glow in the dark. What would you do then? Go to 77 different countries and get patents there too?
EDWARDS: What do you mean . . .
JOSH: For your new "Terminator Seed" you got patents in 78 different countries. Most of those countries are second and third world countries.
EDWARDS: I don't understand . . .
JOSH: I think you do. Your company has done this very craftily. By getting patents in these third world countries you can control the whole area's food supply. You can kill them all if you want.
EDWARDS: Josh . . .
JOSH: Listen, Michael. If you think I'm going to even consider give you a patent for a glow in the dark potato, then you're insane. It's pointless to patent something like that.
EDWARDS: But it's a scientific experiment. If we get a major break through then we're gonna need a patent.
JOSH: Well then you'll have to get it from someone else, 'cause I'm not giving it to you. (beat) Is that all?
EDWARDS: Yeah.
JOSH: Then I'll see you around Michael. (nods at EDWARDS as he leaves. Josh sits back down at his desk and starts going through the file again.)
Scene six: CJ is in her office trying to get a hold of more people to give her answers.
CJ: (talking on the phone) Yes, I'll hold for another minute.
(SAM enters. CJ motions for him to sit down.)
CJ: I hate hold music.
SAM: (nods) I hear ya.
CJ: (talking to a person on the other line) Yes, this is CJ Cregg. I just had a few questions about your new "Terminator Seeds". (Person on the other line starts talking) Yes, but they told me to call you. (person talks) Well, no I don't doubt you that they have the information, but- (person talks) Fine. I'll try the USDA again. (CJ hangs up the phone)
CJ: Carol, get me the USDA again. (Turns to SAM) What do you need?
SAM: I'm just going around and seeing what everyone has found out.
CJ: All I can say is that I'm going in circles and I don't think there's a way to stop it with out making someone really mad.
SAM: Well, making people mad is what you do best, CJ, so I'll leave you to finish the job.
CJ: Thanks Sam. (SAM smirks and exits)
CAROL: The USDA, CJ.
CJ: (picks up phone.) Hey Eli, it's CJ again . . .
Scene seven: TOBY is sitting at a table in the Mess with papers spread out around him and a coffee cup in his hand. He's reading one of the papers. SAM enters.
SAM: Hey, Toby. How's the research going?
TOBY: (Glances at SAM over his coffee cup) All right.
SAM: (sits down across from TOBY) They're covering their tracks well. Rockford and his "plumbers", as I'll call them, are being very careful. They don't want people to know that they're getting money from a giant corporation.
TOBY: I understand that, that's what Josh told Rockford.
SAM: Yeah. He also just met with Michael Edwards.
TOBY: The lawyer?
SAM: Yeah, apparently he's working for Monsanto now, and he was here today to ask for a patent.
TOBY: What for? They already have 78 of them for the "Terminator Seed".
SAM: A glow in the dark potato.
TOBY: A glow in the dark potato?
SAM: Yeah.
TOBY: He wanted a patent for a glow in the dark potato? (SAM nods. TOBY starts laughing)
(DONNA walks up to SAM and TOBY)
DONNA: (to SAM) What did you say? He's laughing.
SAM: I told him Monsanto wants a patent for a glow in the dark potato.
DONNA: Really? Are they gonna talk to Josh about it?
SAM: They already did.
DONNA: Really . . . (gets a thoughtful look on her face)
SAM: What? (TOBY stops laughing)
DONNA: Well, you know that it's Josh's birthday today . . .
SAM: Yeah. (simultaneously) TOBY: No.
DONNA: Well, we're holding a party for him down here after work and Margaret, Leo and I were trying to figure out what to get him.
SAM: Leo was helping?
DONNA: It was his idea.
(SAM and TOBY exchange looks of amusement)
TOBY: Oh.
DONNA: Well, I think I just got an idea for it.
SAM: What is it.
DONNA: You'll find out with everyone else.
(DONNA exits)
SAM: (to TOBY) What do you think it is.
TOBY: I don't have the slightest idea.
Scene eight: CJ's in her office on the phone.
CJ: Yes, I know. I just called them, twice. (person talks) But you're the FDA you should know if they're safe or not. (person talks) The EPA? I should talk to them? All right. (hangs up)
CJ: Carol, get me the EPA! (Looks at the notes on her desk. All there is, is a heading. She hasn't gotten any info.)
CAROL: The EPA, CJ.
(CJ picks up the phone)
CJ: Yes, this is CJ Cregg. Can I ask you a few questions about the safety of Monsanto's new "Terminator Seeds"? (listens to person on other line) Yeah, I understand. (listens to other person) So the FDA has the information? Okay. Yeah, I'll call them again. Thank you. (hangs up)
CJ: (sighs) This is a wild goose chase. They've covered their tracks too well. Carol get me the FDA again.
(TOBY enters)
CJ: What d'you want?
TOBY: Nothing, I'm just checking people's progress.
CJ: Well, you might as well continue on, I've got nothing.
TOBY: What happened that you couldn't find anything?
CJ: No one is taking responsibility for the seeds. They keep directing me elsewhere.
TOBY: I'm not surprised. Every corporation has its secrets.
CJ: And every administration. (TOBY nods.)
CAROL: The FDA, CJ.
CJ: (picks up the phone and motions for TOBY to leave. TOBY exits) Yes, this is CJ Cregg. (listens to other person) Yes, this is the second time I'm calling. No, I don't think you're lying, the EPA told me to call you again. (listens) Well, no, I didn't think the EPA were liars in the first place . . . (listens) Okay, I understand. Thank you. (hangs up)
Scene nine: Leo and POTUS are in the Oval Office.
POTUS: How's everyone doing on the "Terminator Seeds"/USDA thing?
LEO: Toby's found a little on how the seeds work and Sam found some stuff on patents in the basement while attempting to clean it a little.
POTUS: What about CJ and Josh?
LEO: CJ's been on the phone all day and hasn't found out anything. Josh has been meeting with people all day, though, about this thing.
POTUS: Who did he meet with?
LEO: Stanley Rockford and Michael Edwards.
POTUS: Edwards? Didn't he use to work for us?
LEO: A while ago. He works for Monsanto now. Came to talk to Josh about a patent.
POTUS: A patent? What for? And why did he go to Josh?
LEO: He wanted a patent for a glow in the dark potato.
POTUS: (laughs) No, really. What did he want a patent for?
LEO: A glow in the dark potato.
POTUS: Seriously?
LEO: Yeah.
POTUS: Oh.
LEO: We can't really find anything that proves that the USDA did something wrong. We can't continue with this. We're a day behind in work. We have to put this away until we find some hard evidence.
POTUS: Yeah, all right. (Gets up and picks up his stuff) Tell everyone to put this away for awhile then. I'm going home.
LEO: All right, good night, Mr. President.
POTUS: 'Night, Leo. (leaves through side doors and walks toward the Residence)
Scene ten: CJ is in her office going through some files.
CAROL: CJ, someone from the USDA is on the phone.
CJ: Okay? (picks up the phone) Yeah?
(dark, empty office. A figure is hunched over a desk talking on the phone)
SECRETARY: CJ Cregg?
(CJ's office)
CJ: Yeah?
(other office)
SECRETARY: I work for the USDA and I would like to tell you some of the stuff you were asking about today.
(CJ's office)
CJ: (sits forward in her chair) Really?
(other office)
SECRETARY: Yeah. Can you meet me in fifteen minutes at the Washington Monument?
(CJ's office)
CJ: (glances at her watch) Yeah. Can I bring anyone with me?
(other office)
SECRETARY: (hesitates) Just one other. No members of the press.
(CJ's office)
CJ: All right. (Hangs up)
(other office)
(SECRETARY hangs up and get her coat and leaves)
Scene eleven: LEO, JOSH and TOBY are in the Oval Office after POTUS had left.
LEO: He wants us to put it away until we have hard evidence. And I have to agree with him, this is a wild goose chase unless we know what we're looking for.
JOSH: But we do know what we're looking for. We're looking for the illegal things that the USDA has done. We've barley scratched the surface on this thing.
TOBY: We've barley scratched anything on this "thing". We're a day behind in work, CJ's at her wit's end, Sam has no clue what's going on . . . Leo's right, we've got to put this away for awhile. We can't convict the USDA without hard evidence.
JOSH: (throws his hands in the air) Then why are we even meeting tonight if we're putting this away?
LEO: Because we need to decide whether or not we're going to investigate the USDA and we're deciding tonight.
JOSH: Well, we should get the FBI to investigate. (looks at TOBY) And that way we don't have to do anything.
TOBY: It doesn't matter whether we have to do anything or not, it's the fact that we have no evidence against them to use to get an investigation. We can't convict them with the process of germination of genes in corn.
LEO: Toby's right, we can't convict them with the process of germination. We need hard evidence and we don't have it. Okay, Josh? We're just going to have to put it away without doing anything.
JOSH: (disappointed) Well, I make it a point not to argue with Toby when he's right.
LEO: (stands up) All right. You guys should go back to your offices and try to get something done that you were supposed to do today.
(JOSH nods and leaves)
TOBY: What are we getting Josh for his birthday?
LEO: (looks pointedly at TOBY) You'll find out with everyone else.
(LEO exits to his office. TOBY is left standing there by himself)
Scene twelve: CJ and SAM are standing at the Washington Monument waiting for the SECRETARY.
SAM: Are you sure this isn't a hoax?
CJ: I'm positive. She didn't sound like she was joking. She was too desperate.
SAM: She could just be a very good actress.
(CJ glares at SAM)
CJ: Sh! Look, someone's coming.
(SECRETARY walks up to them, staying in the shadows)
SECRETARY: CJ Cregg?
CJ: (holds out hand) Hi. (points to SAM) This is Sam Seaborn, the Deputy Director of Communication
(SECRETARY nods to SAM)
SECRETARY: I don't know a whole lot, they've kept this very secret. But I'll tell you what I know.
(CJ and SAM nod)
SECRETARY: (looks around to make sure no one's watching them) A few years ago . . .
Scene thirteen: LEO, BONNIE, and GINGER are all in the Mess putting up party decorations for JOSH'S party.
(DONNA, TOBY and MARGARET enter carrying a shoe box wrapped in paper)
DONNA: We got the present and Toby. Sam and CJ just got back from somewhere so they'll be down in a minute. Josh will be coming with them.
LEO: Okay. Then let's put everything away. Bonnie, you and Ginger should go and get the cake so we can light the candles right before he gets here. Donna, put the present in the middle of the table. (takes a pen out of his pocket and puts it next to a card) Everyone should sign the card quickly.
(Everyone does what LEO told them to. CJ enters)
CJ: Sam's coming down now with Josh. Everyone should find a hiding spot. I'll stand by the lights.
(CJ turns off the lights, while GINGER lights the candles on the cake. Everyone else gets behind the table. Silence for a few minutes, then JOSH and SAM'S voices can be heard coming down the hall)
JOSH: No, really, Sam. I'm not that hungry. I really just want to finish reading the report on Asia and go home.
SAM: Well, it's dark down here so I needed someone to come with me.
JOSH: Why didn't you get someone else to come with you and since when are you afraid of the dark?(SAM and JOSH enter Mess)
EVERYONE: Surprise! Happy Birthday, Josh.
JOSH: (stumbles backward in fright) Oh my god. Don't scare me like that. (he looks really happy, though)
DONNA: Thought we all forgot, huh?
JOSH: (blows out the candles on the cake) Not really. I just thought that you were all to busy to notice.
(DONNA slaps him on the arm)
JOSH: What? It's the truth!
(DONNA glares at him, then hands him the box)
DONNA: Here, open it. It's from all of us.
(JOSH opens the box. It's a potato.)
JOSH: (surprised and puzzled) A potato.
DONNA: Ah, but it's not just any potato. CJ, the lights. (CJ turns out the lights)
JOSH: It's glowing! It's a glow in the dark potato!
(Everyone cracks up. The camera zooms out on the scene)
END
(c) Katherine Schulman 2001
CAST
Jed Bartlet
Leo McGarry
Josh Lyman
Toby Zeigler
CJ Cregg
Sam Seaborn
Donna Moss
Stanley Rockford
Michael Edwards
Secretary
Carol
Margaret
Bonnie
Ginger
President of the United States (POTUS)
Chief of Staff
Deputy Chief of Staff
Director of Communications
Press Secretary
Deputy Director of Communications
Josh Lyman's Assistant
Secretary of Agriculture
A Lawyer for Monsanto
Stanley Rockford's Assistant
CJ Cregg's Assistant
Leo McGarry's Assistant
Toby Zeigler's Assistant
Toby Zeigler's Assistant
1
Scene one: White House basement pipe room. One pipe is dripping. SAM and JOSH are trying to fix it. DONNA is trying to stop them.
DONNA: Are you sure we shouldn't just call a plumber?
JOSH: (tightening the pipe) Definitely not. Sam and I are perfectly capable of fixing this leak.
DONNA: Well, what about a guidebook? Something that tells us what to do?
JOSH: We don't need a guidebook. Sam and I have fixed many a pipe. Right Sam?
SAM: Yeah. Remember that time in your apartment building . . . (fades off)
DONNA: And what happened?
SAM: (shrugs) We flooded the basement. (DONNA gives them a look) But that's not the point. The point is that this is the White House and we won't do that here.
(JOSH jerks the wrench too hard and the pipe breaks. A stream of water pours out and soaks SAM and JOSH)
DONNA: (sarcastically) I thought this was the White House.
JOSH: (glares at DONNA) Just go and get help. (DONNA leaves. SAM and JOSH try to stop the water with some towels)
(DONNA enters the communications bullpen. CJ and TOBY are watching a CNN news report on television)
DONNA: CJ, Toby. We have a little crisis in the basement.
(CJ turns around and sees DONNA holding her shoes in her hand and sees that the hem of her skirt is wet.)
CJ: What happened?
DONNA: Sam and Josh tried to fix a leak . . . (CJ and TOBY rush off to the basement. DONNA follows)
(The basement pipe room now has four inches of water on the ground and SAM and JOSH are calling for more towels. CJ, TOBY, and DONNA enter)
CJ: What the hell happened?
JOSH: Well it seems that Sam thought he could fix the leak but, well (motions around the room)
CJ: I can see tomorrow's headline now; there will be a picture of you two in here, soaking wet with the caption: The New White House Plumbers.
(SAM and JOSH glare at CJ)
TOBY: We should assign secret service agents to both of you to stop you from doing things like this. First you almost set the White House on fire and now you flood the basement.
DONNA: I tried to stop them but, no, they knew how to fix it.
CJ: Well, we should get more towels and turn this thing off before-
(LEO'S voice can be heard coming down the hallway)
LEO: CJ, Toby! (Splashes into the room) What the hell happened in here?
JOSH: Well, it seems that Sam though he could fix the leak.
(LEO gives JOSH a look)
JOSH: Ok, I thought I could fix the leak.
LEO: (sighs) CJ, go get someone who can fix this before it gets worse. (Pipe explodes and a giant jet stream of water soaks everyone)
JOSH: Spoke too soon there, Leo.
(roll credits)
Scene two: Later that same morning. Everyone has changed clothes after the flood and is now sitting in the Oval Office waiting for POTUS. CJ is trying to dry her hair.
LEO: (to SAM and JOSH) You guys are never ever aloud to touch anything that has to do with fire, electricity, or water. Got it? I don't want to come to work again next week and find out that you've blown out the phone system, or whatever, while trying to fix it.
SAM: We'll make sure it never happens again. (Looks at JOSH)
LEO: CJ, will you tell Donna to tell them the same thing later? She always seems to be there when they're in their "stupid mode"
CJ: Sure, Leo.
(POTUS enters. Everyone stands)
POTUS: Good morning everyone.
EVERYONE: Good morning Mr. President.
POTUS: Sam, Josh, I suppose I have you two to thank for the lovely little flood in the basement this morning?
JOSH: (muttering) Man, news gets around fast.
POTUS: Yes it does, Josh. (JOSH raises his eyebrows at this)
SAM: We promise it will never happen again, Sir.
POTUS: I'm sure it won't. (Sits down in an armchair. Everyone else sits.) So, what are we all here to talk about this lovely morning in May?
TOBY: We're here to discuss our position on Biotech foods, Sir.
CJ: The press has been asking questions since Monsanto has put their "Terminator Seeds" out on the market. They're not going to stop till they have some sort of answer.
SAM: Green Peace has also been quite a problem since the introduction of the "Terminator Seed". They've been putting a lot of pressure on us to make a decision or at least to make a statement on trying to make a decision.
POTUS: Then, give them the statement that we're trying to make a decision. CJ can mention something about it in this morning's press briefing. (CJ nods)
POTUS: Anything else?
EVERYONE: No. Thank you, Mr. President.
(Everyone leaves. MARGARET signals to LEO through the open door at JOSH)
LEO: Josh, can I see you in my office for a second?
JOSH: Sure.
(JOSH follows LEO to his office)
LEO: Don't forget your meeting with Stan. He's probably waiting for you in your office now.
JOSH: Yeah, I know. Why'd you call me in here?
LEO: Well, Stan can be hard to deal with.
JOSH: I know, Leo. I've worked with him before. What did you really want to tell me?
(Behind JOSH, MARGARET signals to LEO through the open door.)
LEO: Never mind. Just go and talk with Stan.
JOSH: (raises an eyebrow) Okay.
Scene three: The Secretary of Agriculture, STANLEY ROCKFORD is in JOSH'S office waiting for JOSH. JOSH enters.)
JOSH: Sorry to keep you waiting, Stan. (Shakes hands with ROCKFORD as he sits down behind his desk)
ROCKFORD: That's ok. I'm just glad you found time for me in your busy schedule.
JOSH: So, what did you want to talk about?
ROCKFORD: Well, I've noticed that Monsanto has just put their new "Terminator Seed" out on the market and even with all the pressure you guys haven't done anything.
JOSH: I know. We are making a statement today on where we are on a decision.
ROCKFORD: Ok, good. We were starting to get worried that you guys would never say anything and we wouldn't get what Monsanto owes us.
JOSH: Owes you? You're a department of the federal government. There us no reason why you should be able to get money from a giant corporation. It's illegal.
ROCKFORD: There is no law that says we can't help a company develop a scientific experiment.
JOSH: A scientific experiment with royalties of 5%?
ROCKFORD: What we get from Monsanto is confidential business. You shouldn't know any of it.
JOSH: Donna!
(DONNA enters)
JOSH: Please give Mr. Rockford here the file we have on his government department.
(DONNA gives JOSH a weird look and nods.) (DONNA exits)
ROCKFORD: You guys can't have files on us! This is an invasion of privacy!
JOSH: Stan, I'm an advisor to the President of the United States. I could get my hands on almost anything your department has ever done.
(ROCKFORD glares at JOSH but doesn't say anything. DONNA returns with the file and hands it to JOSH. DONNA exits)
(JOSH opens the file and starts reading from it)
JOSH: "For it's help with developing the "Terminator Seed", the Department of Agriculture will earn royalties of 5% net sales."
(JOSH hands ROCKFORD the file)
JOSH: Along with earning all this money you guys also applied for patens in 78 different countries for this new "Terminator Seed". I'm ashamed of you. I never thought I'd see the day that the USDA was bribed by an over achieving, money obsessed company.
(ROCKFORD stares at JOSH for a moment then rises.)
ROCKFORD: (puts the file on JOSH'S desk) Thank you for your time, Josh. I'll see myself out. (ROCKFORD leaves)
Scene four: SAM is sitting in his office trying to work. TOBY is bouncing his rubber ball against the wall in his office.
(SAM looks at the window between his office and TOBY'S then tries to continue to work but TOBY keeps bouncing the ball. SAM gives up and walks over to TOBY'S office)
SAM: What's wrong?
TOBY: (keeps bouncing the ball) There's something up with the USDA and I don't like it.
SAM: Josh is meeting with Rockford right now. If anything's up we'll know about it.
TOBY: No, what ever is happening they won't tell us.
SAM: What do you mean?
TOBY: There's something going on with the USDA that they're trying to cover up. (bounces the ball harder) Something that has to do with Monsanto.
SAM: Okay?
TOBY: Bonnie has picked up a couple of calls from Monsanto while trying to reach the USDA. Something is going on and we need to find out what.
(CJ sticks her head into TOBY'S office)
CJ: Guys, Josh wants to talk to us in his office.
TOBY: (Stands up and looks pointedly at SAM) This is it.
(SAM and TOBY follow CJ to JOSH'S office)
SAM: You think that Josh noticed something about the USDA?
TOBY: I know he noticed something about the USDA.
(CJ, SAM, and TOBY enter JOSH'S office)
TOBY: (to JOSH) What happened?
JOSH: (hands TOBY the file) The USDA is getting money from Monsanto because they helped develop the "Terminator Seed"
CJ: Money? Isn't that illegal?
JOSH: Yeah.
TOBY: You just figured this out?
JOSH: No, Toby. I found out a long time ago and thought I wouldn't tell anyone.
CJ: Lose the sarcasm, Josh. We don't need you to be almost fired.
SAM: Again.
TOBY: What happened with Rockford?
JOSH: He's nervous. There's definitely something going on that they're trying to hide.
CJ: We've established that, but what else do we know?
TOBY: Not much else.
CJ: Well that's a lot of help.
JOSH: What we need is to be able to understand these "Terminator Seeds" and other environmental issues and then we can make decisions.
TOBY: The decisions need to be made now.
CJ: They can't be made till we know more. I agree with Josh, let's do some research and then meet again.
SAM: We'll have to tell Leo, too, or he'll pop a blood vessel or something after finding out that we've been blowing off what we should be doing to get to the bottom of the next Watergate.
JOSH: (sighs) I'll tell Leo. Now, everyone just go back to your office and read everything you can find on this junk.
(Everyone gets up and leaves JOSH'S office. Camera follows CJ)
(CJ's office)
CJ: Carol, I need information on genetically engineered foods and laws surrounding patents.
CAROL: (nods) There's someone in your office.
CJ: (nods and enters her office) Uh . . . hello?
(the man sitting in an arm chair stands up and turns around)
EDWARDS: CJ, I haven't seen you in a while. (shakes her hand)
CJ: (a little uncertain) Michael! (laughs nervously) Why are you here?
EDWARDS: I thought I'd stop by and see you before I went to my meeting.
CJ: Oh, who are you meeting with?
EDWARDS: I'm meeting with Josh Lyman in ten minutes.
CJ: (a little surprised) Oh? Are you working on the tobacco case?
EDWARDS: Actually, I'm no longer a working for the government. I'm a lawyer for Monsanto now.
CJ: (sits down at her desk) Really . . .
EDWARDS: Yeah, so I thought that, as long as I'm here, I might as well stop by and see how you are.
CJ: Well, I'm fine. (beat) You know it's kinda funny that you're here now, 'cause we were just talking about Monsanto.
EDWARDS: Really? The "Terminator Seeds"?
CJ: (nods) (hesitates a minute, then asks) What do these "Terminator Seeds" do?
EDWARDS: Well, the plant really just kills it's own embryos so there are no seeds next time around.
CJ: How do you get corn, or any other plant we eat the seed from, then?
EDWARDS: (glances at his watch) The USDA would know better then me. I'm just a lawyer. (looks at his watch again) Well, it's been nice to see you again, CJ.
CJ: You too, Michael. (they shake hands)
(EDWARDS leaves)
CJ: Carol! Get me the Department of Agriculture.
(CJ stares out the window for a minute)
CAROL: Department of Agriculture, CJ.
CJ: (picks up phone) Hey Eli. (listens to ELI) Yeah, I'm fine. Listen, I've got a question on your new "Terminator Seeds". (ELI talks again) Uh huh. Uh huh. All right, I'll try Monsanto again. (hangs up the phone and sighs)
CJ: Carol, get me Monsanto!
Scene five: JOSH is in his office looking through a file while waiting for EDWARDS.
(DONNA enters with EDWARDS close behind.)
DONNA: Michael Edwards is here, Josh.
JOSH: (nods.) Okay. (DONNA exits leaving EDWARDS there. JOSH stops reading and puts the file down) So, Michael, what is it that you need?
EDWARDS: (sits down) I'm here to ask you for a patent on Monsanto's new potatoes.
JOSH: A patent? (EDWARDS nods) Well, what do these potatoes do?
EDWARDS: Well, they're not ready to be sold yet, but what happens is when the potatoes need to be watered they glow in the dark.
JOSH: They glow in the dark? The potatoes glow on the dark?
EDWARDS: Well, not all the time, just when they need to be watered.
JOSH: You want a patent for potatoes that glow in the dark. What would you do then? Go to 77 different countries and get patents there too?
EDWARDS: What do you mean . . .
JOSH: For your new "Terminator Seed" you got patents in 78 different countries. Most of those countries are second and third world countries.
EDWARDS: I don't understand . . .
JOSH: I think you do. Your company has done this very craftily. By getting patents in these third world countries you can control the whole area's food supply. You can kill them all if you want.
EDWARDS: Josh . . .
JOSH: Listen, Michael. If you think I'm going to even consider give you a patent for a glow in the dark potato, then you're insane. It's pointless to patent something like that.
EDWARDS: But it's a scientific experiment. If we get a major break through then we're gonna need a patent.
JOSH: Well then you'll have to get it from someone else, 'cause I'm not giving it to you. (beat) Is that all?
EDWARDS: Yeah.
JOSH: Then I'll see you around Michael. (nods at EDWARDS as he leaves. Josh sits back down at his desk and starts going through the file again.)
Scene six: CJ is in her office trying to get a hold of more people to give her answers.
CJ: (talking on the phone) Yes, I'll hold for another minute.
(SAM enters. CJ motions for him to sit down.)
CJ: I hate hold music.
SAM: (nods) I hear ya.
CJ: (talking to a person on the other line) Yes, this is CJ Cregg. I just had a few questions about your new "Terminator Seeds". (Person on the other line starts talking) Yes, but they told me to call you. (person talks) Well, no I don't doubt you that they have the information, but- (person talks) Fine. I'll try the USDA again. (CJ hangs up the phone)
CJ: Carol, get me the USDA again. (Turns to SAM) What do you need?
SAM: I'm just going around and seeing what everyone has found out.
CJ: All I can say is that I'm going in circles and I don't think there's a way to stop it with out making someone really mad.
SAM: Well, making people mad is what you do best, CJ, so I'll leave you to finish the job.
CJ: Thanks Sam. (SAM smirks and exits)
CAROL: The USDA, CJ.
CJ: (picks up phone.) Hey Eli, it's CJ again . . .
Scene seven: TOBY is sitting at a table in the Mess with papers spread out around him and a coffee cup in his hand. He's reading one of the papers. SAM enters.
SAM: Hey, Toby. How's the research going?
TOBY: (Glances at SAM over his coffee cup) All right.
SAM: (sits down across from TOBY) They're covering their tracks well. Rockford and his "plumbers", as I'll call them, are being very careful. They don't want people to know that they're getting money from a giant corporation.
TOBY: I understand that, that's what Josh told Rockford.
SAM: Yeah. He also just met with Michael Edwards.
TOBY: The lawyer?
SAM: Yeah, apparently he's working for Monsanto now, and he was here today to ask for a patent.
TOBY: What for? They already have 78 of them for the "Terminator Seed".
SAM: A glow in the dark potato.
TOBY: A glow in the dark potato?
SAM: Yeah.
TOBY: He wanted a patent for a glow in the dark potato? (SAM nods. TOBY starts laughing)
(DONNA walks up to SAM and TOBY)
DONNA: (to SAM) What did you say? He's laughing.
SAM: I told him Monsanto wants a patent for a glow in the dark potato.
DONNA: Really? Are they gonna talk to Josh about it?
SAM: They already did.
DONNA: Really . . . (gets a thoughtful look on her face)
SAM: What? (TOBY stops laughing)
DONNA: Well, you know that it's Josh's birthday today . . .
SAM: Yeah. (simultaneously) TOBY: No.
DONNA: Well, we're holding a party for him down here after work and Margaret, Leo and I were trying to figure out what to get him.
SAM: Leo was helping?
DONNA: It was his idea.
(SAM and TOBY exchange looks of amusement)
TOBY: Oh.
DONNA: Well, I think I just got an idea for it.
SAM: What is it.
DONNA: You'll find out with everyone else.
(DONNA exits)
SAM: (to TOBY) What do you think it is.
TOBY: I don't have the slightest idea.
Scene eight: CJ's in her office on the phone.
CJ: Yes, I know. I just called them, twice. (person talks) But you're the FDA you should know if they're safe or not. (person talks) The EPA? I should talk to them? All right. (hangs up)
CJ: Carol, get me the EPA! (Looks at the notes on her desk. All there is, is a heading. She hasn't gotten any info.)
CAROL: The EPA, CJ.
(CJ picks up the phone)
CJ: Yes, this is CJ Cregg. Can I ask you a few questions about the safety of Monsanto's new "Terminator Seeds"? (listens to person on other line) Yeah, I understand. (listens to other person) So the FDA has the information? Okay. Yeah, I'll call them again. Thank you. (hangs up)
CJ: (sighs) This is a wild goose chase. They've covered their tracks too well. Carol get me the FDA again.
(TOBY enters)
CJ: What d'you want?
TOBY: Nothing, I'm just checking people's progress.
CJ: Well, you might as well continue on, I've got nothing.
TOBY: What happened that you couldn't find anything?
CJ: No one is taking responsibility for the seeds. They keep directing me elsewhere.
TOBY: I'm not surprised. Every corporation has its secrets.
CJ: And every administration. (TOBY nods.)
CAROL: The FDA, CJ.
CJ: (picks up the phone and motions for TOBY to leave. TOBY exits) Yes, this is CJ Cregg. (listens to other person) Yes, this is the second time I'm calling. No, I don't think you're lying, the EPA told me to call you again. (listens) Well, no, I didn't think the EPA were liars in the first place . . . (listens) Okay, I understand. Thank you. (hangs up)
Scene nine: Leo and POTUS are in the Oval Office.
POTUS: How's everyone doing on the "Terminator Seeds"/USDA thing?
LEO: Toby's found a little on how the seeds work and Sam found some stuff on patents in the basement while attempting to clean it a little.
POTUS: What about CJ and Josh?
LEO: CJ's been on the phone all day and hasn't found out anything. Josh has been meeting with people all day, though, about this thing.
POTUS: Who did he meet with?
LEO: Stanley Rockford and Michael Edwards.
POTUS: Edwards? Didn't he use to work for us?
LEO: A while ago. He works for Monsanto now. Came to talk to Josh about a patent.
POTUS: A patent? What for? And why did he go to Josh?
LEO: He wanted a patent for a glow in the dark potato.
POTUS: (laughs) No, really. What did he want a patent for?
LEO: A glow in the dark potato.
POTUS: Seriously?
LEO: Yeah.
POTUS: Oh.
LEO: We can't really find anything that proves that the USDA did something wrong. We can't continue with this. We're a day behind in work. We have to put this away until we find some hard evidence.
POTUS: Yeah, all right. (Gets up and picks up his stuff) Tell everyone to put this away for awhile then. I'm going home.
LEO: All right, good night, Mr. President.
POTUS: 'Night, Leo. (leaves through side doors and walks toward the Residence)
Scene ten: CJ is in her office going through some files.
CAROL: CJ, someone from the USDA is on the phone.
CJ: Okay? (picks up the phone) Yeah?
(dark, empty office. A figure is hunched over a desk talking on the phone)
SECRETARY: CJ Cregg?
(CJ's office)
CJ: Yeah?
(other office)
SECRETARY: I work for the USDA and I would like to tell you some of the stuff you were asking about today.
(CJ's office)
CJ: (sits forward in her chair) Really?
(other office)
SECRETARY: Yeah. Can you meet me in fifteen minutes at the Washington Monument?
(CJ's office)
CJ: (glances at her watch) Yeah. Can I bring anyone with me?
(other office)
SECRETARY: (hesitates) Just one other. No members of the press.
(CJ's office)
CJ: All right. (Hangs up)
(other office)
(SECRETARY hangs up and get her coat and leaves)
Scene eleven: LEO, JOSH and TOBY are in the Oval Office after POTUS had left.
LEO: He wants us to put it away until we have hard evidence. And I have to agree with him, this is a wild goose chase unless we know what we're looking for.
JOSH: But we do know what we're looking for. We're looking for the illegal things that the USDA has done. We've barley scratched the surface on this thing.
TOBY: We've barley scratched anything on this "thing". We're a day behind in work, CJ's at her wit's end, Sam has no clue what's going on . . . Leo's right, we've got to put this away for awhile. We can't convict the USDA without hard evidence.
JOSH: (throws his hands in the air) Then why are we even meeting tonight if we're putting this away?
LEO: Because we need to decide whether or not we're going to investigate the USDA and we're deciding tonight.
JOSH: Well, we should get the FBI to investigate. (looks at TOBY) And that way we don't have to do anything.
TOBY: It doesn't matter whether we have to do anything or not, it's the fact that we have no evidence against them to use to get an investigation. We can't convict them with the process of germination of genes in corn.
LEO: Toby's right, we can't convict them with the process of germination. We need hard evidence and we don't have it. Okay, Josh? We're just going to have to put it away without doing anything.
JOSH: (disappointed) Well, I make it a point not to argue with Toby when he's right.
LEO: (stands up) All right. You guys should go back to your offices and try to get something done that you were supposed to do today.
(JOSH nods and leaves)
TOBY: What are we getting Josh for his birthday?
LEO: (looks pointedly at TOBY) You'll find out with everyone else.
(LEO exits to his office. TOBY is left standing there by himself)
Scene twelve: CJ and SAM are standing at the Washington Monument waiting for the SECRETARY.
SAM: Are you sure this isn't a hoax?
CJ: I'm positive. She didn't sound like she was joking. She was too desperate.
SAM: She could just be a very good actress.
(CJ glares at SAM)
CJ: Sh! Look, someone's coming.
(SECRETARY walks up to them, staying in the shadows)
SECRETARY: CJ Cregg?
CJ: (holds out hand) Hi. (points to SAM) This is Sam Seaborn, the Deputy Director of Communication
(SECRETARY nods to SAM)
SECRETARY: I don't know a whole lot, they've kept this very secret. But I'll tell you what I know.
(CJ and SAM nod)
SECRETARY: (looks around to make sure no one's watching them) A few years ago . . .
Scene thirteen: LEO, BONNIE, and GINGER are all in the Mess putting up party decorations for JOSH'S party.
(DONNA, TOBY and MARGARET enter carrying a shoe box wrapped in paper)
DONNA: We got the present and Toby. Sam and CJ just got back from somewhere so they'll be down in a minute. Josh will be coming with them.
LEO: Okay. Then let's put everything away. Bonnie, you and Ginger should go and get the cake so we can light the candles right before he gets here. Donna, put the present in the middle of the table. (takes a pen out of his pocket and puts it next to a card) Everyone should sign the card quickly.
(Everyone does what LEO told them to. CJ enters)
CJ: Sam's coming down now with Josh. Everyone should find a hiding spot. I'll stand by the lights.
(CJ turns off the lights, while GINGER lights the candles on the cake. Everyone else gets behind the table. Silence for a few minutes, then JOSH and SAM'S voices can be heard coming down the hall)
JOSH: No, really, Sam. I'm not that hungry. I really just want to finish reading the report on Asia and go home.
SAM: Well, it's dark down here so I needed someone to come with me.
JOSH: Why didn't you get someone else to come with you and since when are you afraid of the dark?(SAM and JOSH enter Mess)
EVERYONE: Surprise! Happy Birthday, Josh.
JOSH: (stumbles backward in fright) Oh my god. Don't scare me like that. (he looks really happy, though)
DONNA: Thought we all forgot, huh?
JOSH: (blows out the candles on the cake) Not really. I just thought that you were all to busy to notice.
(DONNA slaps him on the arm)
JOSH: What? It's the truth!
(DONNA glares at him, then hands him the box)
DONNA: Here, open it. It's from all of us.
(JOSH opens the box. It's a potato.)
JOSH: (surprised and puzzled) A potato.
DONNA: Ah, but it's not just any potato. CJ, the lights. (CJ turns out the lights)
JOSH: It's glowing! It's a glow in the dark potato!
(Everyone cracks up. The camera zooms out on the scene)
END
(c) Katherine Schulman 2001