She's done it again. That's my darling sister. How could I have been stupid enough to trust her? I tell her I'm leaving...and so she does. Fight fire with fire. Whoever taught her that expression ought to be taken out back and...well, you know how it goes. I don't know if it counts as running away from me anymore. She left Joe and Suzie this time. But what can I do? Chloe runs. Chloe has *always* run. She's just hurting a few more people in the process this time.
~*~
I sit here late at night and I wonder why I put up with this
She never says goodbye before she disappears into the night
But I can't sit here much longer with these tears streamin in my eyes
The story never ends so once again I say goodbye.
~*~
It was becoming less apparent why I had sacrificed everything to come out here. Suzie. Of course. But Suzie was 6, and didn't need me anymore. Chloe had cleaned up. Finally. Joe was a good guy, very set on the whole "great dad" thing. He was doing well, better than Suzie's real father ever would. Whoever that might be. I forget, in that random endless stream of men who all look the same. But no one's drinking or doing drugs anymore. And Suzie has a family. I don't have to be her mother anymore. Hers has finally stepped up and taken responsibility, a process which only began when she stopped doing drugs. I had been holding her hand through it, until she got used to being a mom, until she got her diploma and got her life fully together. And I had lived with them for two years. Not because they needed or completely wanted me, but because I couldn't let go of Suzie. I couldn't trust Chloe, I didn't know Joe well enough to trust him. And then, when they moved, they were farther away and I was enjoying the hospital. Not as much as County, but enough to survive there and make some friends. I thought that maybe Chloe had finally grown up. I saw them two days ago. Ever since I moved out, I've seen them less and less.
About two weeks ago, I got a call from County. There was an opening, and since I had worked there before and apparently had extremely good references, they wanted to inform me that I could send in an application. At first, I wasn't sure, but I realized that Chloe and Joe and Suzie were doing very well on their own. So I sent it in, and heard back within a week. I got the job. Back in the ER. I couldn't believe it. I think I was literally jumping for joy. I knew it meant leaving them, but...County was like my home. My best friends were there, my life...everything. It was a great job too, attending, and most importantly, back in the ER. OK, I said it a few times, but...that's the most important thing about this job.
Chloe hit the roof when she found out. *Susie, how could you leave us like this, we need you! Little Suzie needs you!* It took all the strength I had to resist the pleas from my big sister's helpless eyes. Using her kid to get to me...the one person I loved more than anyone in the world. When I told my little neice, she looked like she was going to cry, and it almost made me rethink my decision. But going back to County was too good of an offer to pass up. Chloe bailed. She wouldn't have her permanent babysitter, her medical advisor when Suzie had what might-only-be-a-cold, and her sister. Of course she had a great pediatrician, plenty of teenage neighbors willing to babysit, and a lot of good friends. But she bailed anyway. And she left them because of me. I keep trying to tell myself that she didn't, that she left because she couldn't handle any responsibility, but I threw her into the situation. I hoped she'd return before I left so I could talk to her. Say goodbye. But I'm leaving tomorrow, and she's nowhere to be found. And now Joe is alone with Suzie, and they need me most...and I'm going. Living out my dreams which have so drastically changed in the last 6 years. 6. geez. Had it really been almost six years since I left County? I hoped that the people I knew...and loved...were still there. All I could think of was walking in and seeing them all again.
Carter, Carol, Doug, Peter, Haleh, Lydia, Kerry...Mark. Especially him. I know it's stupid and crazy of me to think that he waited for me, that he isn't remarried and enjoying himself. It's childish of me to think that he thinks of me like I think of him. Every day, I remember him and I smile. Sometimes I cry, wondering why I left him. He meant so much to me, and I just left him. Even when I knew he loved me too. He sure waited long enough to tell me, though. I'm sure he's married, or dating someone. But sometimes I think maybe I'll go back and he'll have gotten divorced again, and it's awful to say, but that would really give me a chance with him. Not that I wish it on him. And not that I wanted him lonely all these years. I should have written to him, called him. I know that. But it was too painful. I tried. I very nearly called. I dialed the area code, the first five numbers, and then...This wave of panic came over me and I hung up. I almost wrote to him, but I threw it in a garbage can instead of the mailbox. It hurt too much to think that maybe he had moved on, and now I have to deal with it. And there's no going back. Time to face the path ahead of me and walk it, no matter what. No more heading off track. I'm on my way home.
~*~
Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you shoulda somehow realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now
Back beat, the word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before but you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now
And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how
~*~