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Ad Finem 
('til the end) 
A work of Card Captor Sakura fanfiction 
by Michelle
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This story contains SPOILERS for the entire manga series as well
as shonen ai (homosexual themes) and VAST quantities of what my
onee-sama calls 'WAFF' and I call 'Undiluted sap.' In fact,
things are about to get REALLY REALLY MUSHY. You have been
warned.

This is a sequel to my first Sakura story 'Persephone's Dilemma.'
Unlike 'Persephone's Dilemma,' Ad Finem is primarily a romance.
Some magical theory is discussed, but it isn't the main point of
this story.

None of these characters belong to me. Really. Not one.

Did I forget anything? Oh, yeah. If you read this, I'd love to
hear what you thought. I'm always searching for ways to improve
my writing, so I appreciate negative comments as much as positive
ones as long as they are polite and constructive. If you just
want to say whether you liked it, though, that is greatly
appreciated also.

Enjoy!

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Chapter Three
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 "What is it you want, beloved?" Yue asked his memories, and
the reservoir of familiar power that rested within him. No
answer came, this time. Nothing but the usual sense of peace. 
Of being watched over and soothed. Was that of itself a sign? 
If so, what did it mean, exactly?

 All in all, it was a frustrating relationship to be in. 
Touya had never been this cryptic when he was alive.

 Obviously it had been important for Sakura-sama to hear the
message, and obviously it was not important that *he* understand
it. It hurt, though, to be left out like this; to be the channel
between the two siblings, but not to understand the thoughts of
his beloved. It ached. And for the first time in two-hundred
years, Yue closed his mind to the flow of peace and comfort
coming from the part of him that had once been part of Kinomoto
Touya, and let his mood blacken a little further. Keroberus
caught the brunt of it when he came seeking his companion moments
later.

 "Did she send you?" Yue asked tersely. "Are you here to
check up on me?"

 "No, and yes." he admitted, his ears twitching a little in
annoyance. "I'd hoped that you'd be feeling better."

 "I'm fine," Yue insisted. "Sakura-sama is fine. Great
spiritual forces are gathering together for her aid and support
in some wonderfully impossible cause. Birds and flowers
everywhere are chirping and blooming and cavorting. Everything
is *just* wonderful."

 Keroberus blinked. "Isn't that what's important?"

 Yue averted his gaze. "Yes," he admitted. "Our master is
happy, her confidence has returned, therefore all is peace and
happiness among us once more."

 "Obviously."

 "I just never know," continued the Moon Guardian, "what she
even needs me for at all. To help her grow through opposition? 
To make sure her suits are pressed? To give her messages from
the other side?"

 "What?"

 Yue looked again at the great lion beast. It really wasn't
something that he wanted to discuss at the moment. "What can I
do for her?" he asked. "She doesn't need me. *You're* her
trusted advisor, her friend, the one she talks to and cries to. 
I'm the one who argues with her and tells her she's not good
enough. She hasn't needed our protection for so long. She
doesn't consult us on her magical workings. Perhaps it would be
better for all of us if I weren't here."

 Slightly alarmed, Keroberus protested. "Don't speak
nonsense. Where would you go? You made an oath to Sakura. It
would crush her if you left."

 Yue nodded. "I know. She'd cry." That thought alone was
enough to squash any half formed rebellious thoughts he might
have entertained.

 "Yes she would."

 He made a helpless gesture with his hands. "And my whole
life will be spent in her service," he whispered. "Even after
she is gone. But I still feel like any efforts I make only hurt
her and get in her way. Her work is important. I should never
have doubted that. I just wish that my role in it were a little
more defined. Sakura-sama rarely sees fit to instruct either of
us in any way, and so I spend my life either tiptoing around her
feelings, or sending her into fits of tears for questioning her
reasons. I know she doesn't want to be anything other than a
friend, but when I try to speak for myself..."

 When he tried to speak for himself, he was critical, and if
he was honest with himself, sometimes cruel. What he had said to
her this morning about wanting to be greater than Clow Reed, for
example ...

 Perhaps that was why To-ya had ...

 But he'd gone to find her so that he could try to make
things right. Wasn't he to be trusted to say the right thing
when he'd specifically gone to make peace? Didn't he have at
least that much sensitivity in him? He'd had it once. Hadn't
he?

 But that had been in another lifetime.

 "So what am I to do? Am I to hover around the edges of her
life when what I want more than anything is to ..." Is to what? 
A flash of memory. Of holding her in his arms for those moments
before the message he'd delivered. An impression of warmth. A
sense that this was the only way to deal with this perfect and
beautiful person that so ached for comfort and affection from
anyone. The truth was that it had felt very nice. He was
beginning to wonder whether in that moment, seeing her
vulnerable; confused; alone, he had taken her into that embrace
of his own free will, or if he had been taken by whatever
compulsion had then caused him to say those things to her.

 Touya's compulsion.

 But then, had he ever known Touya to embrace his younger
sister? To embrace anyone, for that matter? Only himself. Yue. 
Yuki. And only in moments of absolute privacy. No. He had
embraced Sakura-sama on his own. And it *had* felt good. 
Comforting her was still so improtant to him. But he had always
done so in a more ... decorous way until today.

 It had been a long time since the gentle and caring part of
himself had been dominant.

 But it was easier in the other form. 

 The form he hadn't worn since ...

 In the end, he'd only ever taken that form for To-ya. And
with the form went the persona. And after To-ya was gone...

 The reminder was a painful one. He knew that the emotions
lived within him. It had been ages since he'd been able to feel
like the extra older brother he'd been as her 'Yukito-san,' but
today ...

 Perhaps even as Yue, he could ...

 It wouldn't be easy, but if it helped Sakura-sama ...

 He supposed it could only help if he were a little warmer
towards her. More personable. If he joined in with the great
cultural diffusion movement towards showing affection in more
physical and vocal ways, perhaps she would continue to respond
well, but the thought scared him a little. 

 Emotion was a funny thing. He'd observed humanity for
centuries and had been mesmerized by their seeming irrationality
time after time before his first master's death. It was only
then; only as the unaware quasi-self Yukito that he had gained
any firsthand experience with the raw power of emotions. He
supposed he'd always had them, but never to a human degree. 
Never to a point where one emotion fueled another in an upward
spiral that overwhelmed the senses, the mind, or the body. As
Yukito, however, he'd learned. He'd observed that his mild and
kindly other self when faced with a friend in torment would often
behave in a startlingly irrational way.

 At the time it had seemed ... had *felt* like the only
*correct* course of action. Indeed, it was impossible to assert
the control of logic when emotion was strong.

 Most frightening of all, however, was the way that one
emotion always led unpredictably to some even stronger one. You
never knew whether the emotion of being hurt would lead you to
feel sorrow or if it would become anger; if love would become
passion, or hatred. Of all beings in the world, Yue had the
least faith in his own ability to cope with any emotions he might
cultivate.

 Oh, he'd been so smug and self assured once. He'd believed
that it was his superior control and intellect that would keep
him separate from those humans who went through their lives
confused and wanting. Even as he'd watched Yukito's life, he'd
believed that when he became his real self again, he'd quickly
eliminate the irrationality that was a part of his disguise. 
Once the girl's trial was over, he wouldn't need to hide anymore. 
Through discipline, his mind would be purged of all that
foolishness.

 And then there had been Touya.

 Like a force of nature, that boy. Suddenly Yue had found
the unfamiliar sensations of admiration, affection, and finally
desire growing little by little not in the Yukito mind, but in
his own core. In Yue.

 That was what had changed his entire life.

 And that was what was shaking his confidence now. Could
compassion and brotherly affection be maintained at a reasonable
level if he were trying to be more demonstrative? Or would it be
like the last time? Like opening the floodgates to an
unpredictable and ever-changing sea that could start with
supportiveness and progress through depression, envy, torment, or
worse? You just never knew where something like this could lead
you.

 It might even lead to...

 Perhaps he should re-think this. After all, there had been
no magical crisis for nearly a hundred years, but that didn't
mean that one would never come. Perhaps he shouldn't start down
a path that could so easily make him mentally incapable of
rationally dealing with any situations that might arise.

 Detachment would, perhaps, be best. It had served him so
well in the past.

 And she was so much like her brother...

 She was coming.

 "Kero-chan!" Sakura called joyfully as she skipped into the
room. "I wanted to-"

 Her eyes met Yue's suddenly, and she stopped mid sentence
and mid stride. She was clearly startled, but not, Yue was
grateful to note, unhappy to find him with her sun guardian. She
walked to him and looked up with concern. "How are you, Yue?"
she asked gently.

 Yue smiled a little. She wasn't nervous or morbidly
curious. Just mildly concerned. For a moment he almost let
himself touch her. Almost. But that was her power over him, and
the very reason he needed to be cautious in how he let himself
respond to her. "I'm fine, Sakura-sama," he said as firmly as he
was able. "Please don't concern yourself."

 A minor shadow crossed her face, and Yue suspected that it
was because of his use of the subservient honorific. Perhaps
she'd hoped that he'd call her Sakura again. Perhaps she'd also
feared that he'd only addressed her in such a casual way as a
precursor to the message he'd delivered. 

 He hated to see that disappointment in her eyes, but was
unprepared to start down the path of greater familiarity with
her. Let her believe whatever she liked. He could only try his
best to shield her from greater regrets. 

 But it almost hurt to watch her struggle to smile before
making her reply. "I'm glad," she said. "I know that it's hard
sometimes."

 And she did know. She'd lived with loss since her mother's
death, and so her empathy was real and deep. It warmed him to
know how much she understood his heart. If only ...

 What?

 _If only she weren't my master?_ 

 She'd never have let that stand between them. Even now her
expression, posture, and intonation all spoke of discourse with
one who was in every way considered an equal. A respected and
beloved friend.

 _If only she weren't To-ya's sister?_ 

 But To-ya had known, hadn't he, how much his imouto had
adored Yukito. To-ya had made it clear before he had left that
he expected Sakura and Yue to look after one another, to support
and protect one another. Hadn't he said that he hoped Yue would
be the one to comfort her through the trials he'd seemed to sense
were coming?

 What else had To-ya sensed was coming?

 And why hadn't he warned Yue? Given him some sign that what
he now contemplated with a mixture of agonized desire and
puritanical horror was either not a good idea, or what he'd been
planning for both of them all along?

 'Because you wouldn't have liked the answer,' whispered that
part of him clear and strong through the barriers he'd thrown up
around it. 'Because it means nothing if you don't figure it out
on your own.'

 "Yue?"

 And it was so. There was much he needed to consider, but
even a notarized statement from the afterlife would not have been
enough to set him firmly on *that* path. 

 Was he ready to leave himself so vulnerable again?

 "Yue? What's wrong?"

 He had never *really* lost To-ya. Not a day had passed
since highschool and the infirmary that he hadn't had an intimate
knowledge of his beloved's presence and feelings. His dormant
power tied his spirit to Yue even now. It had been such a
comfort to feel that presence and guidance. But despite all
that, losing him to death, however marginal that death had been
had nearly destroyed Yue. Loss was stacked on top of years of
guilt and frustration and futility.

 If it happened again ...

 Just that morning she had told them that she knew she
couldn't live forever.

 "Yue, please come sit down."

 Yue, on the other hand, was very likely to live forever...

 "Are you sure you're feeling alright?"

 Losing another master was going to be hard on him, but could
he go on if he lost another true -

 "Yue!" The panic in his master's voice brought him back to
himself. She was holding on to his arm tightly trying to regain
his attention.

 He placed his hand gently over hers and did his best to gaze
down upon her calmly. "I'm sorry, master," he said evenly. "Was
there something else?"

 Sakura blinked. "N - no. You just seemed-"

 "Then perhaps you'd excuse me?" He gently pulled her hand
away from his sleeve and backed away.

 This time as she looked up at him, he froze. Pushing her
away like this had been a tactic. A play for time to contemplate
this latest dilemma. But she'd looked so ... lost. Sad and
worried. He couldn't ... How could he leave things like this? 
But how could he leave them any other way? Why couldn't he think
straight? Why was he so agitated and distractable?

 He glanced for a moment at Keroberus who could only gape at
him in wide eyed shock. That was no help. He looked back at
Sakura. He had to do something about the pain in those eyes.

 "Forgive me," he said, doing his best to look contrite and
avoiding the act of addressing her at all lest the casual/formal
issue should rear it's ugly head once more. "Please, I'm still a
little ..."

 Internally disgusted with himself, he had to fight hard not
to take her by the shoulders again and reassure her the way
Yukito would have when she was eleven. This was not helping any.

 _What now, oh wise spirit of Kinomoto Touya?_ Yue asked
ironically. _You seem to have all the answers today._

 And something seized him. A great weakness. He lost
altitude until his feet touched the ground. He tried to stand,
but his legs wouldn't hold him. He buckled at the knees and
slumped heavily to the floor.

 "Yue!"

 Sakura took hold of him once more, this time strongly and by
both arms. She eased him down into a lying position and crouched
over him gently probing his life force with her magic. He looked
at her apologetically, but suddenly realized two things. The
first was that any moment now he was going to lose consciousness. 
The second was that he was rapidly losing power. Something that
hadn't happened to him since... And that meant that before he
blanked out, he was most likely going to shift back to his more
power efficient form of -

 "Yukito-san?" Sakura yelled in shock as Yue felt himself
change. It was the last thing he was aware of before the
blackness claimed him.


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Okay, I know. This scene is a bit ... melodramatic. 

Anyway, let me know what you think. Next part should be out by
Thursday.

Next time: More dreams helpful and otherwise. Everybody worries.

'Til then!

-Michelle Thatcher
http://www.akane.org/michelle