Matt rested his head on my shoulder for a moment, and then pulled back. His eyes looked a little red, and wet tearstreaks glistened on his cheeks, but I knew better than to hug him again or brush the tears away...he wouldn't like that. He's got this thing about being "vulnerable".
But I so desperately wanted him to talk to me, to tell me what he felt, to confide in me. It hurt when he pushed me away...
God, Matt, I love you. I'm too afraid to tell you so...I don't want you to turn me away...because only I can give you the love you need...
"Tai, what?" Matt's voice snapped me back to reality. I flushed, realizing I'd been staring at his face.
"Nothing...you just look a little pale."
He sighed. "I feel a little pale."
"You feel sick?"
"Just a little. Probably some cold or something. No big."
I half-yawned, and rolled off the couch, padding into the kitchen. "You want a drink or something?"
He paused. "Coffee, white, two sugars."
"Coffee? At thirteen?"
"It's my dad's fault. He drinks coffee while he watches the late night news and I'm the one who makes it for him."
"So you drink it?"
"Just a little, to piss him off."
I grinned as I flicked the switch on the kettle, looking around for an un-used coffee mug. Kari, being the sweet and considerate little sister she is, had forgotten to wash up before she left for Yolei's house.
"So that's why you're so jumpy."
"I'm not jumpy!"
"Yeah, you are. You're so jumpy we're gonna have to start calling you Koala."
He roared with laughter. "You dumbass, it's kangaroos that jump around."
Idiot, I thought to myself, shaking my head. "Yeah, that's what I meant."
He giggled, walking into the kitchen as I poured coffee into the one clean mug I could find. "You're a little dense, Tai."
"Nyah," I said, giving him the answer he deserved. He just giggled harder.
"Mommy, mommy, Tai stuck his rude finger up at me."
"Mommy, mommy, it's 'cause Matt was being rude," I giggled as I spooned sugar into the mug, spilling some of it. "We're both pathetic."
"I know," he said.
I dropped the spoon in shock as Matt hugged me from behind, resting his head against my shoulder.
Matt!
"But pathetic people have more fun, ne?"
"Oh, yeah," I said, my mouth growing dry.
Get the hell away from me, Matt...get away from me, don't make me want you...idiot Tai, idiot!! He's a boy!! You're a boy!! No!! NO!!!
Matt's arms tightened around me, pulling me closer to him.
"Hey, Tai?"
"Uhh?" I said, trying desperately to ignore the turmoil within my mind. My hands shook as I retrieved the spoon.
"Would you mind if I turned the stereo on while you make that?"
"Go for it!" I blurted out. "Sure thing." Just get yourself away from me.
"'Kay," he said, with a smile. "Thanks." He padded into my bedroom.
"CD's are somewhere in my closet," I said to his retreating back. "Probably under the clothes."
When he disappeared, I sank to my knees on the floor and squeezed my eyes closed, breathing feverishly. Why did he do that? Damned teasing son of a bitch. Why'd he have to do that? Why did he have to be so gentle? Why did his body have to feel so warm? I bit my quivering lip and shakily climbed to my feet, stirring his coffee slowly, breathing.
Just think of someone else. Just think...
Just think who? He was the only one I ever thought of. I wished he would notice...but, c'mon. Reality check. The chance of him loving me back was nil.
So shut up, Thick One, and bring the boy his coffee!
Trying to be nonchalant, I walked into my room, and grinned. Matt sat on the edge of my bed, eyes closed, strumming an air guitar, singing in a language I didn't understand. He peered at me through one eye as I set the coffee on the edge of my nightstand.
"Nice," I said, referring to the song. "Is that English?"
He shook his head. "Nope. French. The original song was sung in English, though."
"What's it called?"
"'One Man Army'."
I sat down in the deskchair. "Sing it again. That language sounds weird."
He chuckled, then breathed in, and let the notes tumble out from his lips, forming a melody.
"Prenez ces gens plastiques, lisez leurs lèvres, maintenant laissez-le tarder, est-ce qu'il y a n'importe quoi qui les fait semblez sincère?"
"Pretty," I breathed. "You sound good."
Matt didn't answer. He never does when he starts singing something. He nodded in recognition of my compliment and kept singing.
"C'mon, hermétiquement tenez votre main, prenez un souffle profond, donnez-leur le doigt, est-ce que vous vous êtes inquiétés que vos pensées ne sont pas tout à fait claires?"
I watched as he closed his eyes, wincing as in
pain, and continued. His deep voice was thick with emotion.
"Le tic!
Eu vue sur, apparence impropre!" He stopped suddenly.
"That note was flat. Did you hear that? Flat as a damned
tack."
I rolled my eyes. "Whatever you reckon, man." He was such a perfectionist.
"It sounds weird..."
"Keep going already. Belt it out."
"Je me souviens tomber, je me souviens de marcher, comme une une armée de l'homme, a travers la flamme je sais que je tousser..." he trailed off, swallowing.
"Matt...?" I asked, starting.
"Ah...sorry," he said, turning away slightly. "My throat's kinda dry."
I stared at him for a few seconds. "Okay..."
I saw his shoulders stiffen with my answer. I wondered if I'd said the wrong thing...?
"I'm tired," he blurted out. "Sorry."
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and counted to ten inside my mind. I loved him to death, but his stupid moodiness was driving me up the wall. Stiffly, I got up and walked out of the room, depositing myself in front of the TV, clicking it on and trying to cool my temper.
I watched Buffy bitch over something or other to her ugly-as-a-brick boyfriend for a few moments, then Matt's voice hit my ears.
"Tai?"
That tiny, hurt voice made the blood rush to my head as I turned and looked at him. He was standing in the doorframe, a hurt expression on his face, his eyes questioning.
"Did I do something wrong?" he asked, his voice cracking.
For the second time that evening, I felt my heart break.
"No...oh, Matt..." I murmured, getting up and embracing him when the tears started rolling down his cheeks again, glittering in the light.
"Don't leave me, Tai!" he hiccupped, clutching the front of my shirt in his fists. "Don't leave me alone, don't not care...please..."
I rubbed his back gently and shhhed in his ear. Leave him? Not care? What the hell was he talking about? I'd just spent the majority of my damn evening being the closest thing humanly possible to a babysitter to him!
"Don't leave me, Tai, please don't--"
"Shh, Matt, shh. It's okay. It's okay now."
Maybe, when he had calmed down, I'd be able to get some sense out of him.
And be able to help him.