"Shh, Matt, shh. It's okay. It's okay now."
"No...dammit...it's...NOT!!" I screamed, taking a huge gulp of air and shoving Tai away from me. "Nothing is! It never will be!! SHUT THE HELL UP!!"
I had snapped. Somewhere, deep inside my mind, I knew that. Deep inside my mind, a tiny voice was screaming to stop it, to shut up, sit down, drink your coffee and tell Tai everything. But on the outside, all I could feel was anger. Anger at myself for becoming so weak, anger at Tai for embracing that side of me, anger at my parents for making me like this, and worst of all, just pure, insane fury. I clutched at my head, shivering, praying silently that the vice-like grip this emotion had on my mind would just go away.
Mom, mom, mom I need you Mom, I need you Dad...pleasepleaseplease help me...helpmehelpmehelpme...
"Matt, what the--"
"Shut up!!" I yelled at him, glaring into his eyes. "Shut up, don't touch me! DON'T EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN!!"
With that final scream hanging in the air, I bolted for the Yagami's front door and ran out of the apartment. I ran into the elevator and punched the buttons, as if that would make the agonisingly slow descent of the machine go any faster. The doors slid open, and I ran onto the street, pounding my way down it, not stopping when people I ran into shouted out abuse or glared at me.
I ran to the end of the street, out of breath, and collapsed against the wall of another block of apartments, the insane anger slowly leaving my mind as I gasped for oxygen. I exhaled, closed my eyes, and inwardly winced as the consequences of my actions began to dawn on me.
Tai.
Oh man, Tai, I'm sorry. Sorry for being such a headcase. Sorry for this...
* * *
I stared up at the sky, for a long, long time. I wasn't at all surprised when I heard the scuff of sneakers and the rustle of clothing as someone sat down next to me.
"What do you see up there?" Tai's voice asked softly. He indicated the sky.
"Stars," I said, sighing.
"Mmmm."
"How'd you know I'd be here?"
"I know you, Matt."
"I know."
There was a long silence.
"Trust me, Matt."
"It's hard, Tai."
"I don't see why. Have I ever let you down before?"
"...no."
"Then?"
I sighed. "I don't know, Tai. I just don't know."
"Matt..."
"Look, it's just...I can't."
"Why not?!" Tai yelled, getting to his feet. "Why the hell not? Can't you see it's killing you?! You just lost your mind, Matt!! You've got to talk to me, and trust me! C'mon, Matt, please..."
I bit my lip, staring at the ground.
Tai pulled me to my feet, and put his arm around my shoulders. "Let's go home," he murmured.
Tai...
I closed my eyes, leaning my head on his shoulder.
"Okay."
"After all, you didn't finish your coffee."
* * *
Tai sat me down on the sofa, pushed my coffee towards me, and said, "Talk." It wasn't a request, it was an order.
"I don't feel very good."
"Why?"
"I miss Gabumon. I'm sick of my parents fighting."
"Sick of?" Tai said, blinking. "You mean...?"
"They're like this all through the summer. Bitching and ballyhooing about who does what, who goes with who, what TK's doing, what Yamato's doing..." I said, closing my eyes and sinking back into the couch dejectedly.
"And it's all as bad as that last one?"
I shook my head. "That one was just...nasty. I'm sick of it. Sick to death of it. You wanna know something, Tai?"
"Tell me."
"That summer, where we went to the Digital World?"
"Yeah?"
"As much as I couldn't stand a moment of it--" I saw something like hurt flicker over Tai's face, "--it was the greatest summer I'd ever had. Because every other summer..." I trailed off.
"Man...I didn't know it was that bad..."
"Oh, usually the fights don't last as long as this one. Usually it's only fifteen minutes. And me and TK go outside, or turn the speakers up on the TV. Or hide in my room. Just like...just like ages ago. And after it's all over, Mom's hugging us and apologizing...but it doesn't change the fact that TK winces when they scream. That I can't stand it when they yell. It just doesn't..." I trailed off. Tai didn't say a thing, so I kept talking.
"And then TK said he wished he could go back to the Digital World...and that's when I started missing Gabumon so badly..."
Tai just stared at me. "So all this stress comes from your parents."
I nodded miserably. "Sometimes, I just want to end it all. Run away, or jump off the Rainbow Bridge..."
"Matt!" Tai said fiercely. My eyes widened and I blinked.
"Anou...?"
"God...Matt, don't ever think like that...s...suicide?! You've honestly...?"
He looked so terrified. I felt terribly ashamed.
"Yes," I said, looking at the ground.
His fingers were moving lightly across my wrist. I jerked to attention, trying to pull my arm back, but it was too late.
"Matt..." the whisper was toneless, broken, as he ran his tanned fingers gently over the healing cuts on my wrist. "Oh, Matt..."
"Stop it," I said, through clenched teeth. My eyes squeezed shut, and I pulled my wrist away from him. "It's no big deal."
"But, you're hurting yourself..."
"Shut up, Tai, you're not a freaking psychologist."
"Matt, it scares me! Can't you talk to someone?!"
"I've got this under control!" I yelled. "What, you think I need to talk to a shrink or something? Screw that!! I...it was a one-off happening, Tai!!" I felt the tears begin to prick at the back of my eyes again. "So, who cares!!"
"I CARE!!" he screamed, standing up.
Hesistantly, I took a step back. He choked on a half-sob and touched his hand to my face.
"I care..." he repeated, and before I could protest, his lips were pressed to mine in a kiss softer than I could ever imagine.
Impossible...
I just stood there, frozen, as his lips moved against mine and his hands snaked around my waist, pulling me close to him. He smelled so good, his mouth was so warm, and the caresses he was giving me were so soft.
I melted into his kiss, closing my eyes, resting my hands on his shoulders.
He broke away, gasping for air, eyes wild.
"Oh my god...oh my god, Matt, I am so sorry...I didn't...I mean, I..."
My heart was soaring. An insane rush of complete joy flew through my body and made me break into a huge grin. I felt like the whole world had changed as I stared into his eyes.
"Don't be."
"You mean...you..."
"You didn't notice?" I said, smiling.
He looked puzzled for a moment, then tackled me, pulling me onto the couch.
"You're an annoying jerk, Ishida!!"
I simply wrapped my arms around his waist, resting my head on his shoulder.
"I know."
Tai was still underneath me, his fingers running over my hair.
"So...what now?" he asked.
I shrugged. "I don't know."
"A kiss won't change anything, Matt..."
"I know..."
"Look..." he sat me up, looking in my eyes. "I want you to talk to me when you...feel like that. Okay?"
I flushed, embarassed. "I don't want to talk about it, Tai..."
He was quiet for a few moments, then he sighed.
"...all right."