Disclaimer: I don't own Tenchi Muyo or it's characters. I am not making any money off of this.
This fic is a parody of several well-known SI fics out there. If you haven't read a lot of Tenchi fan fics, this will probably not be very funny to you.
When SIs Attack!
By
Jorl Odinsblade.
On two futons in the center of a room in a small studio apartment, the morning light slowly creeped across the two figures sleeping in said futons. One of the figures was a tanned, toned, beautiful blonde woman. In the other futon slept another beautiful woman, this one with long, silky, teal hair.
Unbeknownst to the sleeping women, there was somebody inside thier apartment. He was a tall man wearing a Galaxy Police uniform. His teal hair was perfectly kept, due to his regular groomings every half hour. He looked down at the two sleeping figures on the floor.
"Boy, Sis will sure be surprised when she sees me," he mused. He looked down at the blond woman. "...and who is this lovely dish? Maybe I'll give her a kiss to wake her, after all, no woman could possibly resist *me*!
The man kneeled down over the sleeping blond woman. Bending forward, he brought his lips to hers in a kiss. The woman stirred slightly, and moaned a little.
She enjoys it! He thought. Smiling as he kissed her. I am *SUCH* a stud!
Immediately, the blonde's eyes snapped open and she froze. A second later, she pulled out of the kiss and let out an ear-shattering scream. Ooh! A screamer! Thought the man.
The blonde put both of her hands to the man's chest and pushed him off. Before he could react, she jumped up into a standing position and kicked him in the stomach, followed by several quick punches to the face. The man blinked with awe. I didn't know she was into the rough stuff!
The blonde swept his legs out from under him and pushed him onto his stomach. She then twisted his arms behind his back and reached for a pair of GP-issue handcuffs that were sitting nearby. As she put the handcuffs on the man, he spoke his first words to her.
"Bondage? I love it! Tighten those cuffs, baby!"
All of this chaos had awakened the teal-haired woman lying on the nearby futon. She quickly sat up and looked over at the nearby situation. "What the hell is going on, Mihoshi?"
"Kiyone, I woke up and this pervert was kissing me!" She said, her voice shaky with fear.
"Oh great, a sex offend-" Kiyone started, but her her eyes widened when she saw who it was. "PSION! What the HELL are you doing here!" She screamed.
"Hiya Sis," he grinned. "I was just in the neighborhood, though I'd stop by."
"Kiyone, you know this man?" Mihoshi asked.
"Yes, Mihoshi," Kiyone groaned. "He's my brother, Psion. He is a GP officer with super powers."
"Ahhh... I see," Mihoshi answered. "If he's your brother, why haven't you ever mentioned him before?"
"I guess it just slipped my mind," Kiyone shrugged. Then she looked down at her brother. "So, what brings you to Earth, Psion?"
"Well, since I've got a few weeks of vacation, I thought I'd come visit you."
"And?"
"And what?" Psion asked innocently.
"C'mon, Psion," Kiyone prodded. "I know there's got to be more. You wouldn't come to a planet in the middle of nowhere just to say hi."
"Well," he admitted. "I was hoping to score with a few Earth-babes."
"Quit holding out on me, little Brother, I know there's more."
Psion sighed, defeated. "I was going to find the most powerful person I could and fight them to show everybody how much of a badass I am."
Kiyone rolled her eyes. "Typical Psion."
Later that day, as lunchtime rolled around for high-school students in the Okayama area. Tenchi Masaki sat down underneath a shady tree and opened the bento box Sasami had given him before he left for school that morning.
"Yo, Tenchi, what's up?" Said a nearby voice. Tenchi turned to look and saw his best friend standing there.
"Hi, Masamune," he replied (thought his best friend was Amagasaki, didn't ya ^_-).
Masamune took a seat besides Tenchi. "So, have you proposed to Aeka yet?"
Tenchi coughed as he choaked on his food. "Did you just say what I think you just said?"
Masamune looked at Tenchi wide-eyed. "So I take it you HAVEN'T proposed to her yet!?"
"Why would I propose to Aeka? Why would I propose to ANYBODY? I'm only seventeen!" Tenchi argued.
"Because it's obvious that you've loved her from the moment you saw her," Masamune countered.
It took all of Tenchi's restraint to keep from laughing. "Whatever gave you *that* idea? The first time I saw her, she ordered her guardians to put me to death!"
"Nevertheless," Masamune stated. "I pride myself on being observant. I saw you smile once when you said Aeka's name, and that clearly means you love her. Don't you know anything about body language?"
"I think you've been reading too many shojo manga," Tenchi chuckled.
Masamune was on him in a second. He grabbed Tenchi's collar and looked at him threatingly. "Listen, Tenchi. I've been patient so far, but if you don't propose to Aeka soon, there's gonna be trouble!"
Tenchi was really starting to get annoyed. "Leave me alone! I'm not in love with anybody right now. Besides, if I proposed to Aeka, it would really hurt Ryoko's feelings!"
"Forget her! It's her own fault for not seeing that you've loved Aeka from the start!"
At this, Tenchi pushed his friend off. The two teenagers stared off for a minute before Masamune walked away angrily. Tenchi sat down and continued eating his lunch, puzzled at his friend's odd behavior.
All around the lab, computer monitors were glowing brightly as Washu prepared to test her fusion-powered trans-dimensional somethingorother. As the machines began to hum louder and louder, Washu pressed the power button. There was a large flash of light, and the machines began to power down. Hmmm... something went wrong, tought the red-haired scientist. Suddely, she heard a groan to her left and saw a large, overweight man lying on the floor of her lab. The man looked up at her, confused.
"I'm Jif," He said after a moment. "Where is this place?"
Washu noted that the guy was speaking English, and had an American accent.
"I'm terribly sorry," she replied to the man. "My experement must have teleported you here. Why don't you go out that door over there and wait in the house until I can send you back."
"Oh, okay," replied Jif. He walked out the door and found himself in a rather large, luxurious house. Wandering around for a bit, he found the kitchen and noticed a young girl with two long blue ponytails cooking (yes, I know, the Sasami cooking cliché. Please bear with me) dinner. She turned and noticed him.
"Oh, hi there!" She said. "I'm Sasami. What's your name?"
"I'm Jif," he introduced himself. "You're not from Earth, are you?"
"How did you know?"
"Because," he winked. "Your ass is out of this world!"
Sasami just started at him, horrified. She began to back up as Jif proceded towards her with an obscene leer on his face. Suddenly, he heard a faint crackling noise coming from behind him. It sounded like a faulty neon light. He turned around and saw a cyan-haired woman standing there holding a bright orange light sword.
"Ryoko, help!" Pleaded Sasami.
"Don't worry, Sasami," Ryoko said, "I'll take care of this guy. Why don't you go visit Washu in the lab?"
Sasami did as she was told and made a hasty retreat from the kitchen. When she was gone, Ryoko looked at the man.
"And as for you, Mr. Pedophile..." She said threateningly.
In the coming days, the Japanese police and newspaper angencies would be scratching their heads trying to figure out how an American had fallen out of the sky and made a fatal landing in the parking lot of a shopping center. Especially considering that there were no planes overhead at the time.
"So, you guys are friends of Ryoko's?" Tenchi asked the two tall men in front of him.
"Oh yeah," said one of the men, Devon. "We're her old gang."
"I wonder why she never talks about you guys," Tenchi pondered aloud.
"Why don't we ask her?" Said the other one, Clive. "Let's go, Devon." The two men barged past Tenchi and walked into the house.
Naturally, Ryoko was happy to see her old gang, and hugged both of them happily. Being the polite host he was, Tenchi invited them to stay for dinner, and they accepted. Soon, they were all sitting around the table chatting happily. Meanwhile, Devon was working his charms on Aeka...
"Please?" Devon begged.
"No." Aeka replied without even taking her eyes off of her food.
"Please?"
"No."
"Please?"
"No."
"Did I mention that I'm a prince?"
Aeka immediately snapped to attention. "Really?"
"Yup," Devon nodded, a few tears starting to form in his eyes. "It's a very tragic story, my kingdom was overthrown, and I've been living in hiding for years. Can we discuss it elsewhere?"
"Why, of course, Prince Devon." Aeka said with sympathy. "Let's go to my room and discuss it."
They both arose from the table and walked upstairs. Everybody sweatdropped.
"Dosen't he ever get tired of using that routine?" Ryoko asked Clive.
Clive shrugged. "Hey, gotta stick with what works."
A moment later, another figure appeared in the doorway. Although not tall, he was extremely muscular, and had a blonde beard.
"Holy shit! It's Vegita with a beard!" Said Clive.
"No," the man responded. "My name is Ch'thulu. Tenchi Masaki, I trained your grandfather and now I will train you. By the way, I'm also Ryoko's brother."
Ryoko looked at Tenchi, "Today has been a very strange day."
Tenchi could only nod in agreement.
THE END
Okay, in case anybody is wondering, here are the storys that contain the SI characters I'm parodying (I actually like these stories, except for the Sasami lemon, which is the most disgusting thing I've ever read):
"Tenchi TV" by Patrick Stewart
"The Dark Jurain" by Owen Kuhn
"Kanashii no Imi" by Leaf-Chan (do NOT read this one!)
"Two Guys, A Girl, and a Giant Lizard" and "Destiny's Balance" by Thomas "009" Doscher
"Heaven & Eternity" By David R. Nolan
Comments & flames can be sent to j_odinsblade@hotmail.com
This fic is a parody of several well-known SI fics out there. If you haven't read a lot of Tenchi fan fics, this will probably not be very funny to you.
When SIs Attack!
By
Jorl Odinsblade.
On two futons in the center of a room in a small studio apartment, the morning light slowly creeped across the two figures sleeping in said futons. One of the figures was a tanned, toned, beautiful blonde woman. In the other futon slept another beautiful woman, this one with long, silky, teal hair.
Unbeknownst to the sleeping women, there was somebody inside thier apartment. He was a tall man wearing a Galaxy Police uniform. His teal hair was perfectly kept, due to his regular groomings every half hour. He looked down at the two sleeping figures on the floor.
"Boy, Sis will sure be surprised when she sees me," he mused. He looked down at the blond woman. "...and who is this lovely dish? Maybe I'll give her a kiss to wake her, after all, no woman could possibly resist *me*!
The man kneeled down over the sleeping blond woman. Bending forward, he brought his lips to hers in a kiss. The woman stirred slightly, and moaned a little.
She enjoys it! He thought. Smiling as he kissed her. I am *SUCH* a stud!
Immediately, the blonde's eyes snapped open and she froze. A second later, she pulled out of the kiss and let out an ear-shattering scream. Ooh! A screamer! Thought the man.
The blonde put both of her hands to the man's chest and pushed him off. Before he could react, she jumped up into a standing position and kicked him in the stomach, followed by several quick punches to the face. The man blinked with awe. I didn't know she was into the rough stuff!
The blonde swept his legs out from under him and pushed him onto his stomach. She then twisted his arms behind his back and reached for a pair of GP-issue handcuffs that were sitting nearby. As she put the handcuffs on the man, he spoke his first words to her.
"Bondage? I love it! Tighten those cuffs, baby!"
All of this chaos had awakened the teal-haired woman lying on the nearby futon. She quickly sat up and looked over at the nearby situation. "What the hell is going on, Mihoshi?"
"Kiyone, I woke up and this pervert was kissing me!" She said, her voice shaky with fear.
"Oh great, a sex offend-" Kiyone started, but her her eyes widened when she saw who it was. "PSION! What the HELL are you doing here!" She screamed.
"Hiya Sis," he grinned. "I was just in the neighborhood, though I'd stop by."
"Kiyone, you know this man?" Mihoshi asked.
"Yes, Mihoshi," Kiyone groaned. "He's my brother, Psion. He is a GP officer with super powers."
"Ahhh... I see," Mihoshi answered. "If he's your brother, why haven't you ever mentioned him before?"
"I guess it just slipped my mind," Kiyone shrugged. Then she looked down at her brother. "So, what brings you to Earth, Psion?"
"Well, since I've got a few weeks of vacation, I thought I'd come visit you."
"And?"
"And what?" Psion asked innocently.
"C'mon, Psion," Kiyone prodded. "I know there's got to be more. You wouldn't come to a planet in the middle of nowhere just to say hi."
"Well," he admitted. "I was hoping to score with a few Earth-babes."
"Quit holding out on me, little Brother, I know there's more."
Psion sighed, defeated. "I was going to find the most powerful person I could and fight them to show everybody how much of a badass I am."
Kiyone rolled her eyes. "Typical Psion."
Later that day, as lunchtime rolled around for high-school students in the Okayama area. Tenchi Masaki sat down underneath a shady tree and opened the bento box Sasami had given him before he left for school that morning.
"Yo, Tenchi, what's up?" Said a nearby voice. Tenchi turned to look and saw his best friend standing there.
"Hi, Masamune," he replied (thought his best friend was Amagasaki, didn't ya ^_-).
Masamune took a seat besides Tenchi. "So, have you proposed to Aeka yet?"
Tenchi coughed as he choaked on his food. "Did you just say what I think you just said?"
Masamune looked at Tenchi wide-eyed. "So I take it you HAVEN'T proposed to her yet!?"
"Why would I propose to Aeka? Why would I propose to ANYBODY? I'm only seventeen!" Tenchi argued.
"Because it's obvious that you've loved her from the moment you saw her," Masamune countered.
It took all of Tenchi's restraint to keep from laughing. "Whatever gave you *that* idea? The first time I saw her, she ordered her guardians to put me to death!"
"Nevertheless," Masamune stated. "I pride myself on being observant. I saw you smile once when you said Aeka's name, and that clearly means you love her. Don't you know anything about body language?"
"I think you've been reading too many shojo manga," Tenchi chuckled.
Masamune was on him in a second. He grabbed Tenchi's collar and looked at him threatingly. "Listen, Tenchi. I've been patient so far, but if you don't propose to Aeka soon, there's gonna be trouble!"
Tenchi was really starting to get annoyed. "Leave me alone! I'm not in love with anybody right now. Besides, if I proposed to Aeka, it would really hurt Ryoko's feelings!"
"Forget her! It's her own fault for not seeing that you've loved Aeka from the start!"
At this, Tenchi pushed his friend off. The two teenagers stared off for a minute before Masamune walked away angrily. Tenchi sat down and continued eating his lunch, puzzled at his friend's odd behavior.
All around the lab, computer monitors were glowing brightly as Washu prepared to test her fusion-powered trans-dimensional somethingorother. As the machines began to hum louder and louder, Washu pressed the power button. There was a large flash of light, and the machines began to power down. Hmmm... something went wrong, tought the red-haired scientist. Suddely, she heard a groan to her left and saw a large, overweight man lying on the floor of her lab. The man looked up at her, confused.
"I'm Jif," He said after a moment. "Where is this place?"
Washu noted that the guy was speaking English, and had an American accent.
"I'm terribly sorry," she replied to the man. "My experement must have teleported you here. Why don't you go out that door over there and wait in the house until I can send you back."
"Oh, okay," replied Jif. He walked out the door and found himself in a rather large, luxurious house. Wandering around for a bit, he found the kitchen and noticed a young girl with two long blue ponytails cooking (yes, I know, the Sasami cooking cliché. Please bear with me) dinner. She turned and noticed him.
"Oh, hi there!" She said. "I'm Sasami. What's your name?"
"I'm Jif," he introduced himself. "You're not from Earth, are you?"
"How did you know?"
"Because," he winked. "Your ass is out of this world!"
Sasami just started at him, horrified. She began to back up as Jif proceded towards her with an obscene leer on his face. Suddenly, he heard a faint crackling noise coming from behind him. It sounded like a faulty neon light. He turned around and saw a cyan-haired woman standing there holding a bright orange light sword.
"Ryoko, help!" Pleaded Sasami.
"Don't worry, Sasami," Ryoko said, "I'll take care of this guy. Why don't you go visit Washu in the lab?"
Sasami did as she was told and made a hasty retreat from the kitchen. When she was gone, Ryoko looked at the man.
"And as for you, Mr. Pedophile..." She said threateningly.
In the coming days, the Japanese police and newspaper angencies would be scratching their heads trying to figure out how an American had fallen out of the sky and made a fatal landing in the parking lot of a shopping center. Especially considering that there were no planes overhead at the time.
"So, you guys are friends of Ryoko's?" Tenchi asked the two tall men in front of him.
"Oh yeah," said one of the men, Devon. "We're her old gang."
"I wonder why she never talks about you guys," Tenchi pondered aloud.
"Why don't we ask her?" Said the other one, Clive. "Let's go, Devon." The two men barged past Tenchi and walked into the house.
Naturally, Ryoko was happy to see her old gang, and hugged both of them happily. Being the polite host he was, Tenchi invited them to stay for dinner, and they accepted. Soon, they were all sitting around the table chatting happily. Meanwhile, Devon was working his charms on Aeka...
"Please?" Devon begged.
"No." Aeka replied without even taking her eyes off of her food.
"Please?"
"No."
"Please?"
"No."
"Did I mention that I'm a prince?"
Aeka immediately snapped to attention. "Really?"
"Yup," Devon nodded, a few tears starting to form in his eyes. "It's a very tragic story, my kingdom was overthrown, and I've been living in hiding for years. Can we discuss it elsewhere?"
"Why, of course, Prince Devon." Aeka said with sympathy. "Let's go to my room and discuss it."
They both arose from the table and walked upstairs. Everybody sweatdropped.
"Dosen't he ever get tired of using that routine?" Ryoko asked Clive.
Clive shrugged. "Hey, gotta stick with what works."
A moment later, another figure appeared in the doorway. Although not tall, he was extremely muscular, and had a blonde beard.
"Holy shit! It's Vegita with a beard!" Said Clive.
"No," the man responded. "My name is Ch'thulu. Tenchi Masaki, I trained your grandfather and now I will train you. By the way, I'm also Ryoko's brother."
Ryoko looked at Tenchi, "Today has been a very strange day."
Tenchi could only nod in agreement.
THE END
Okay, in case anybody is wondering, here are the storys that contain the SI characters I'm parodying (I actually like these stories, except for the Sasami lemon, which is the most disgusting thing I've ever read):
"Tenchi TV" by Patrick Stewart
"The Dark Jurain" by Owen Kuhn
"Kanashii no Imi" by Leaf-Chan (do NOT read this one!)
"Two Guys, A Girl, and a Giant Lizard" and "Destiny's Balance" by Thomas "009" Doscher
"Heaven & Eternity" By David R. Nolan
Comments & flames can be sent to j_odinsblade@hotmail.com