A Kovac point of view story.

Killing Me Softly

It had been my worst day ever at work, all the unlegal immigrants who was wounded because Kerry couldn't keep to her own business. During the day I had almost started to cry. Almost. I can't remember last time I really cried.

"Dr. Kovac are you okay?". Malucci asked. Of course I wasn't okay, seeing all those people without homes, without their families.
"I'm fine" I lied, it was starting to be natural to lie. Just so they wouldn't ask me further questions. I remember once I had a patient who died and her husband felt so much guilt that he committed suicide. I know how he felt, I can't tell about all those times I have thought about committing suicide, just like the patient's husband, I feel guilt, I am alive and she's not. What kind of husband was I, who could let my wife and children die? I should have got them out of the country as soon as the war started.

Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder,
"Dr. Kovac?" I turned and Corday stood right in front of me
"Yes?"
"Are you ok?" She said with her English accent.
"Yes, I am just fine" She looked at me checking my face to find anything that could show her if I lied. She wouldn't find anything, I knew that, lying have become far to simple.
"If you are okay, why have you been staring at the same chart for 30 minutes?"
"I am fine Dr. Corday" I heard my voice being a little more angry then I meant to.
"I am fine" I repeated.
"This day have been hard for all of us, but maybe even more for you…." "Why should it be worse for me?" I said sharply and walked into the lounge.

Benton were sitting there reading some papers. I normally don't talk to him, we are far to different, so every time we try to talk it normally ends up with a fight. I opened my locker and stared right into a picture from Croatia, I felt tears pushing, but once again I managed to hide them.
Kerry came walking in, she looked bad herself, with tears filling her eyes. She opened her mouth as she was going to say something, but closed it again.
"Dr. Weaver, I need some time off" I swallowed,
"Yes, how much time do you need?"
"I need a month".

Benton turned around, looking at me, and then at Weaver. She seemed to have been crying.
"Yes, sure. From Friday?"
"Yes, thank you" Benton opened his mouth to protest, but closed it when Kerry sent him a look that warned him to shut up.

I can't remember anything from the ride back to my apartment, I only managed to think that in two days, I would be back in Croatia. Abby opened the door, she smiled to me, but her face faded, when she looked at me, I think I glowed sorrow.
"Are you ok?"
"Yes, I am fine."
"You don't look fine."
"I am, I am just so tired."
"Take some time of work then."
"I am going to Croatia on Friday."
"Croatia? How long will you be gone?"
"A month"
"A month?!" Her face showed confusion.
"It will just be a little while, I have something I have to do" Her face darkened before she walked out. Normally I would have run after her, but today wasn't normally.

I only remember few things from the day after, Abby didn't talk to me, I understand that, I should have told her before, but how could I do that when I didn't know it myself?. The nurses seemed to feel pity for me, I hate pity, I don't deserve it. The only point with my life is to help others keep their lives. I remember the day in May, the day Carter was sent to rehab. there was shooting at a school, I remember that I threw myself over the nurse and patient as a human shield for the bullets. It was a miracle that I didn't get hurt, anyway I didn't think a second before throwing myself over the patient.

In my brake, I found Abby sitting in the lounge.
"Abby, I am sorry. I didn't exactly plan it a long time ahead." She looked down and said low
"It's just that I am so afraid for loosing you."
"You won't loose me, I just need some time off to think"
"Think about what?"
"I need to think about Croatia, yesterday made me realise that I can't escape from the memories, I need to see my family again" She nodded "Promise me to be careful and call as often as possible"
"Of course Abby, I would never want to make you afraid or hurt. I swear"

At the end of my shift I was exhausted, I think it was all the thinking as much as work. There seemed to have been changes with relationships, Abby and Carter talked again, they seemed to have been friends again. Benton and Carter didn't talk much and Weaver and Legaspi seemed to have got close. My shift ended earlier than Abby so I went to find her, she was standing with Malucci and Chuny talking.
"Abby, I leave now" She walked towards me
"Be careful" I kissed her on the lips.
"I will, take care of yourselves" When our lips separated I saw Chuny and Malucci staring at us, I think we never have kissed at the hospital. Malucci made a big smile to Chuny, who also smiled.

I turned and walked out of the hospital, for the last time in a month. Abby looked after Luka, she was so afraid to loose him. She walked towards Malucci and Chuny again.
"Like you two kissed it seemed like he was going away a long time" Malucci said.
"He is." Abby answered short.
"He is?" Chuny asked a little confused.
"Yes he is going to be in Croatia for a month." Malucci looked at her
"A month? Festus would never let me take a month off so suddenly"
"He said that he have a few things to clear up."
"It has probably something to do about yesterday, you know with all those illegal immigrants" Malucci said
"Yeah probably."

I took the EL back to the apartment and drove to the airport. I sat and thought about how it would be to get back to Croatia again. I have been there on visits before, but none this long. I slept most of the flight, in most of the dreams Croatia was back to as it was before the war came, peaceful, quiet, and friendly.
"Sir, do you want anything?" I looked up
"Yes, a coffee please, dark no sugar" She gave me the coffee smiling, "Enjoy the rest of the flight"
"Thanks I will"
"So you are going back home?" I turned and saw a lady in the middle of her fifties.
"I don't know" I couldn't say yes, because I don't know what is my home anymore, Croatia or Chicago.
"Where are you flying from?, I fly from N.Y., I am going to visit a friend." "Chicago" I answered shortly and closed my eyes pretending to sleep, the lady was kind of annoying.
"Please put on you seatbelts as we arrive at Croatia's main airport" The captain finally said. I did as told and felt my pulse speed up a little as the plane landed, I was back in Croatia and no one here knew it yet.

It was wonderful to hear people speaking Croatian around me again as I walked through the airport. I managed to get a cab fast, and sat in, it was weird to hear my own voice speaking Croatian again. I gave the driver my parents address. I couldn't believe that I was back in Croatia again. The driver stopped in front of a familiar brown house, it was exactly the same as I remembered, It hadn't been hit by any bombs. I paid the driver with American dollars, since I hadn't any other money on me. I looked down on my watch the clock was 2 a.m. in Chicago, I moved it up a little so it covered the scar from the prison camp. No one in Chicago knew that I had been in a war camp and I don't wanted them to either, then they just would feel more pity for me and as I have said I hate pity. Abby haven't seen them either, we have decided that we shall wait with sex till after we're married.

I walked up the small road towards house, every little sound and every sound was familiar, it made me feel safe, even though I knew I was much less safe here than in Chicago. I knocked on the door, I hadn't been there since before my wife died. I knocked the door again, and the door opened a little, I saw my mother's face looking carefully out the door.

To be continued?