He exploded again tonight.
Came home from work, annoyed about some program or other that wasn't bringing in the ratings. I hadn't started dinner...I was just exhausted after band practise. He grew even more annoyed. I edged that maybe we should just go out for takeaway...and then the crap really hit the fan.
He yelled. Did I think money grew on trees? Of course I didn't, I yelled back. This made him angrier before, and he yelled louder. About how I was ungrateful. Didn't understand a thing about money.
"Look at all the stuff you've got, Yamato. There are kids who would give their back teeth to have half of what you have! Who pays for your guitar tuition? Who payed when you broke the top string of your guitar? You don't work. You just sit there, expecting everything to go your way!"
I glared at him for a few seconds, then turned on my heel and rushed down the hall to my room.
"Yamato?" Gabumon asked, looking up from a sheet of music as I slammed the door behind me. "Are you okay? I heard your dad yelling."
I fell backwards into my bed, lying at a crooked angle. I gazed up at the ceiling.
"Yamato?"
"I can't take this anymore, Gabumon," I said, my voice shaking. Tears welled up in my eyes.
Gabumon plodded over to the side of my bed and patted my hand reassuringly. "It's okay, Yamato. He does this now and then, remember? It's all okay..."
"No, it's not," I closed my eyes in an attempt to keep the tears under my lids. "It's not okay, Gabumon. He's blown up. So know begins the waiting time...waiting for everything to reach a peak and then it'll happen again. All over again. I don't know how much more of this I can take."
Gabumon didn't say anything, but nuzzled my hand comfortingly. I let my guard down and let a single tear slide across my temple and down my neck, wetting the soft locks beneath my head.
"I've got, what? Two years left in here? Sixteen, I can move out? That's great, but what am I going to be like in the end? A nervous mess. A pathetic mess," I let two more tears slide down my cheeks, and a sob escaped my lips. I stared up at the ceiling as if there would be an answer there. I closed my eyes. "Oh god, Iyaki, I promise you I won't be like that...if I live to create you..."
"Who's Iyaki?" Gabumon questioned gently.
I half-snorted at myself in contempt. "What Mimi and I are going to name our first son. Pathetic, huh?"
Gabumon shook his head and hugged me as well as a short monster can hug someone who's lying prostrate on a flat surface.
"Don't worry, Yamato. I'll protect you. You'll live long enough to have a son."
I rolled over a pressed my face into my pillow, finally letting myself cry, my shoulders heaving.
"It's...oh god, Gabumon...I used to think when I thought "God, Dad, I hate you!" were just moments of insanity...but it's not...they're moments of clarity..."
Gabumon reached over and stroked my hair comfortingly. "It's okay, Yamato...don't cry. Don't cry, I'm here for you, and I always will be."
I sat up slowly, drawing in a quivering breath, brushing the tears away.
"It's okay, Gabumon, I'm not--"
The door opened. Dad came in, looking apologetic. He nodded at Gabumon, who just blinked at him and scuttled out of the room.
Chicken, I mouthed at him as he walked out the door.
"Yamato," Dad began, putting his hand on my shoulder. I shyed away from him.
He looked slightly hurt.
"Look, I'm sorry," he sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "It was a hard day at the station, and I was stressed. But I shouldn't have taken it out on you."
"Whatever," I mumbled to the carpet.
He paused, then I heard him sigh. "How about we go into Tokyo tomorrow, eh? You, me, and Gabumon. Whaddya say? We can hang out in Narumi."
"Whatever," I repeated, still not taking my gaze off the floor.
"Okay then," he said, with fake cheerfulness. "Up bright and early tomorrow, sport." He walked out of the room and closed the door beside him.
"You think that makes up for it?!" I said to the ceiling, fighting back tears. "You think all the trips to Narumi make up for that fact that I wince whenever you yell at me, when you make me feel like complete crap?!"
I got off the bed, clenching and unclenching my fists, staring angrily at the closed door. I picked up the nearest object -- a framed photo of me, Dad and Gabumon from a few years back, and threw it hard at the door, crying out as I did so. The frame broke upon impact with the door, and the glass shattered, the shards tumbling down onto the damaged photograph on the floor.
The yellow light that was shining from underneath the door suddenly disappeared, meaning that Dad had turned the hall light off and gone to bed.
My anger burned out completely, and I slumped. I felt so very, very tired...tired of this all, tired of everything. I cleaned up the mess I had made with the picture frame, and dumped everything -- including the photo -- into the wastebasket in the corner of my closet.
Aching in body and soul, I curled up on my bed, and stared out at the sky. The winter stars sparkled out from between clouds like cold diamonds, or rather, shattered glass. Shattered pieces of a dream. Just as things seemed to get better, they were shot down again. I pulled my coverlet over me, shaking, but not because of the cold. Outside, gentle raindrops began to patter against my window, and I closed my eyes.
"It's just not enough," I whispered, before falling asleep.
[a.n.]
Song inspirations ~ "Tomodachi" and "Namida no
Yukue", Digimon Adventure Uta To Ongaku Shuu Volume 1.