Xander walked down the stairs, pausing at the bottom to look for signs of an angry slayer. Blood, broken furniture, pieces of crockery, a broken watcher, pieces of mother. Anything. But there was nothing there, Giles and Joyce both sat, fully intact and unharmed on the settee, and what's more, they both looked happy. Things must have gone well. They must have gotten through to Buffy, and he knew for a matter of fact it was hard to sway the slayers mind once it had been made. But it made sense really, who better to get through to her then those who have basically been her parents, well Joyce was really her parent, but Giles was practically her father. He was, alongside Joyce the only authority figure in Buffy's life. And though she was now an adult, and no longer needed parenting as such, he had been... was still there whenever she needed him, he always, with the exclusion of Buffy's 18th birthday, done what was best for Buffy, in no way doing anything that would harm her. He had earned her, and the rest of their respects. He was, in short, all of their friends. If you looked at the situation, there was no reason, bar the fact they hadn't told her sooner, Buffy should be angry, there was as far as Xander knew, hundreds of men out there that would do Buff's mum bad, but none, maybe he was bias, that would do her better. Of course Buffy would be upset, they had lied to her, but after she had got over that, she should be happy for them.
At that point, Xander realised Buffy wasn't in the room, and decided his theory was wrong.
No Buffy. Well that's a bad sign, looks like the initial Xander prediction was wrong.
Xander: Where's Buffy gone? Did it go that bad?
Joyce smiled at him, his affection for her daughter clearly showing, he was a very good friend. Or more. She was sure there was something happening between them, of late. They had been spending lots of time together, and Buffy's attitude had towards him had changed, something both her and Rupert had seen.
Joyce: Buffy's fine. She's just gone to do a few things.
Xander: So, hows the... her... mood.
Giles: Pardon.
Xander: Buffy, how's her mood... is it one of those 'demons beware, Xander tread lightly' moods, or one of those 'demons beware, Xander you can be yourself' moods?
Giles looked confused, these Americans could never just ask a question, it always had to be in that monstrosity of a language, that they called English, but clearly wasn't. It was a god awful language of their own that might as well have been at times, some sort of code.
Giles: Will you speak so that people can understand you.
Joyce patted Rupert on the knee affectionately, letting him know she would answer. Before turning to Xander to answer his question.
Joyce: Buffy is fine, she was annoyed that we didn't tell her sooner, but she's happy for us.
Xander: Good, cause an angry Buffy usually results in a lot of pain.
Giles: Yes, we are lucky that it's usually directed at the demons.
Xander: Well those pesky things are enough to get anyone mad. Always with the same goals. Destroy the world. I tell you, it can only last so long before it's no longer funny.
Giles: It's not supposed to be funny.
Xander: But it is watching Buffy kick their ass.
Xander was feeling slightly uncomfortable sitting with the newest couple, sure he knew them both, but he didn't quite know how to treat them as just that; 'Them'. A couple. Together. Separately he would know exactly what to say to each of them, but this was a bit of a shock to the system. Giles and Joyce. Joyce and Giles. Buffy's mum, and Buffy's Watcher. It was still a bit weird. He could only imagine what Buffy would be like. Sure, she had seemed fine to them, but was she really.
Xander: Thats her mum, and her watcher, I think they would know if Buffy was all right with it
Xander: Okay. You're right.
Giles: Excuse me?
Xander: What?
Joyce: You said something.
Arrgghhh, now they're finishing sentence's for one another. Confusion
Xander: I did.
They both nodded at him.
Xander: Sorry, talking to myself.
The three went back to an awkward silence they had slipped into with Buffy's absence. Xander stuffed another biscuit into his mouth so he could avoid saying anything embarrassing.
As he finished chewing, the silence had finally become too much.
Xander: So... Um... Congratulations then.
Both of the couples faces registered genuine shock. Shock that he knew. Giles began choking on a biscuit he had been chewing, and Joyce's mouth dropped in a way it only seems able to on TV. Giles finally stopped choking, swallowing the biscuit, and then stuttered out, in his typical watcher manor, only this time, there was not the logical, thought out sentence Xander was used to.
Giles: You know?
Xander: Of course I know
Giles: What... How...What...
Xander: What do you want me to answer first, the What, the how, or the what again?
Giles: What?... What?
Xander: You said what twice there G-man.
Giles: What?
Xander: There's the third.
Giles: I don't understand, How? What?
Xander: Slow down there, which do you want me to answer.
Giles: What
Xander: First, second or third?
Giles was no longer listening to him, both he and Joyce had just been majorly busted, and if things wasn't handled properly there could be problems, people could be hurt, especially Dawn and Buffy.
Giles: How?... How do you know?
Xander smiled, they must think he's stupid.
Xander: It's so obvious.
Joyce seemed a little upset about this.
Joyce: It is?
Xander: Yep, I could tell the moment you entered the room.
Joyce brought her hands to her stomach.
Giles: You could. How?
Xander: Well the fact you were holding hands was kind of a giveaway.
Giles: I don't see how that could have...
Xander: Giles, maybe in Europe that kind of stuff doesn't mean anything, maybe back home you have all that European kissing and holding hands with no one giving a second thought to it, but here it is pretty much a giveaway.
Giles: Good lord, I had no idea.
Joyce: It never used to mean...
Giles: You can tell all that just by us holding hands?
Xander: It wasn't just the holding hands, it was the way you were holding hands, you were inseparable.
Giles: But still... How could you have possibly...
How very observant... that's amazing
Joyce looked to Rupert.
Joyce: Is it that obvious already.
Giles: Of course not. I don't know how he could have... How he knows.
Joyce: But he does
Xander: Hello, I am still here.
Joyce: Xander, this is very important, have you told anyone.
Giles: Who else knows.
Xander: Who else knows? Well I would imagine just about everyone else in the room.
Giles: Good lord. Buffy knows?
Xander: What is up with this
Yeah, of course Buffy knows
Joyce: You told her?
Xander: No... You did.
Joyce: We didn't.
Xander: Wait... yes you did
Giles: We most certainly did not.
Xander: Yes you did... What was that talk all about?
Joyce (to Xander): Well that was about... What are you talking about.
Giles: Yes, it would be nice to know.
Xander: Wait, what are you talking about?
Giles: The same thing you are.
Xander: You two, becoming a... Um couple? Watcher talk down to a T... way to stutter Xander
Both Giles and Joyce looked somewhat relieved.
Giles: Yes, that's exactly what we were.. Um... talking about.
That's was to close
Joyce: Yes, what else could it possibly be but that.
Xander: So Buffy doesn't know about you two then?
Joyce: Yes of course, we just told her... woops
Xander: Wait, you said she didn't know.
Giles: We didn't.
Xander: If your aim was to confuse me. You succeeded.
Giles muttered "Good" under his breath, not loud enough for Xander to hear as anything more then a undecipherable whisper.
Xander: Pardon?
Xander got caught up in a little bit of an argument in his head.
I never say pardon
Yes, but these are practically Buffy's parents.
So what
Make a good impression
Why, I already know both of them... they know me... bit late for good impressions
Still, it doesn't hurt
Why would I need to make a good impression... Oh man even my brains trying to confuse me now
Xander finally finished his little self argument, and looked questioningly at Giles and Joyce, who were still acting suspect, their demeanour stood out like a sore thumb. He was sure there was something up... well, it didn't exactly take a genius to work that out after their reaction to him congratulating them.
Xander: Are you two all right, you seem like Willow when she tries to hide something.
Giles seemed about to crack, blurting out in denial there was anything else, a telltale sign that there sure as sure, as sure as black was black, and white was white there was something more to this.
Giles (immediately): Were fine.
Luckily, Joyce was a lot better at lying, once she knew that Xander didn't know, her parental skills of lying, after all the years of practice with lies, mainly convincing children the existence of the tooth fairy, Santa Clause, and convincing their offspring herb is bad for them. She answered giving Giles and angry glare for his stupid ness.
Joyce: Were fine thank you Xander (Looking at Giles) Would you come and help me in the kitchen please.
Giles: Of...of course.
Xander: Hey, that's my job... I'm the kitchen buddy... Giles just waltzes in and takes my job
A few moments later, Buffy appeared, both Giles and Joyce still in the kitchen arguing, well, more Joyce telling Giles off for something.
Xander: So Buff, wanna go grab that lunch.
Buffy: Taking me to dinner eh, Xander?
Xander: Well actually, I was hoping you'd take me to dinner... I have no money
Buffy: That's not very gentle-manly
Xander: Hey, I am very manly... Oh, you said Gentleman... Nope, that I am not. If you wanted a Gentleman you should have dated Giles.
Buffy: Giles?
Xander: Yeah, Giles is a gentleman... plus you have that slayer/watcher close contact, sweaty training thing going on for ya. Giles is perfect for you. I'm surprised you haven't gotten hot and heavy with him.
Buffy pretended to shudder in disgust.
Buffy: Giles... He's like my father now... that is disgusting Xander. It was bad enough with his being my Watcher status, and then there's the age thing...Talk about setting yourself up
Xander: Age?... I didn't think you cared about age... Giles is like a baby compared to Angel.
Buffy: If I remember, weren't both Anya and Ampanta a hell of a lot older then Angel?
Xander: By about a thousand years. Yep. What's your point?
Buffy: So how can you mock Angel.
Xander: Well it's just so easy, first he broods to much, then you've got his boring nature, and his deadness and...
Buffy: That's is not what I mean
Xander: Well, I'm not the one saying EEWW, he's to old about people. That's how.
Buffy: Oh, and I guess you wouldn't say no to dating.... my mother for instance.
Xander: Buffy, your mother is hot... Oopps what I mean to say is.... that um
Buffy looked at him warningly, her eyes narrowing at him.
Buffy: You better finish that with a 'only Joking'.
Xander: Only Joking, I would say was more 'easy on the eyes'.
Buffy (Warningly): Xander.
Xander: good looking? gorgeous? beautiful?...
Xander continued in his attempt to wind Buffy up, knowing he'd get a bite out of her, but oddly enough she wasn't reacting, instead she had a huge grin plastered across her face, and looked as if she was about to crack up laughing. Xander was going to give it one last shot, enjoying the banter they had going on a second ago, and hoping to get it going again.
Xander: Relax Buff, I'm joking. Your mother is more... 'Sexy'...
Joyce: Thank you Xander, but I really am to old for you. Beside, I have Rupert now.
With that, both Buffy, her mum, and Giles all began laughing wildly.
Xander turned bright red as he realised what Buffy had found so funny, Joyce had been standing behind him whilst he had been saying all those things.
Oh God, how embarrassing
Xander: Um, Joyce.... How... Um long... long have you been standing there?
Joyce: Long enough
Joyce said whilst still laughing.
Xander: Okay, your all laughing *with* me. Right?
Joyce: Of course dear, I would never laugh at my sweetie pie, Kitchen buddy.
This made them all laugh even more.
Buffy: Xander, however are you going to break it to Dawn. She'll be heart broken.
Xander: All very amusing. Ha ha, lets laugh at Xander.
He said in a not-quite-annoyed manor.
Joyce stopped laughing, and looked at him,
Joyce: I'm sorry Xander, but you should have seen it from our point of view. That's what you get for trying to wind up my daughter.
Xander: That's okay apology accepted. Lessen learned. Buff, you buying me that lunch or what?
Buffy: Well if I'm buying... what's in it for me?
Xander: Well you'd be accompanied by someone incredibly brilliant, witty, charming, handsome, and very modest.
Buffy: I don't know... sounds a drag... will you be there too?
Xander: Of course... in fact forget about that other person, just you and me.
Buffy: Sure, lets go. See you later mum, Giles.
Xander: See ya Joyce, G-man.
***
***
After they had left Giles looked at Joyce.
Giles: When are we going to tell her?
Joyce: When the times right.
Giles: So what do you think, is it going to be girl or boy?
***
***
Xander and Buffy were both walking towards the nearby Mcdonalds, despite Xander maintaining that if Buffy was paying, they might well as go to an all-you-can-eat restaurant.
Xander: So, back to the Giles topic then.
Buffy: Xander, there is such a thing as a joke getting old.
Xander: Well I don't see why that should be, you can use a good excuse over and over, again and again.
Buffy: and again... as you did in school.
Xander: As I remember Buff, you had 'your homework eaten by your goldfish' once yourself.
Buffy: Exactly *once*, I didn't use it again and again.
Xander: Why change a classic. Why change that which works? A tried and proven excuse.
Buffy: So it worked once, but the teacher was incredibly drunk when you told him, he would have believed anything.
Xander: That doesn't excuse the fact that my excuse worked. Your just envious.
Buffy: Yep Xand, your constant excuses impress me greatly.
Xander: I know, you find me completely irresistible.
Buffy: I do?
Xander: Yep, I'm so appealing to Summers women.
Buffy: You are not.
Buffy said emphatically.
Xander: As I remember, you and your mother were both arguing passionately over me earlier on, and there's Dawn... Admit it, you Summers women all find me incredibly sexy.
Buffy (Sarcastically): Yep, you have us sussed.
Xander: I knew it. That's why you warned Dawn off so quickly. You wanted me all to yourself.
Buffy: Us Summers women are only after one thing.
Xander: Lucky me.
Buffy: Well better you then Giles I suppose.
Xander: Okay... what was that... she didn't actually say deny it emphatically, there's a step in a good direction... don't go getting your hopes up... Shut up, I'm not even listening anymore... Woohoo, woohoo, Yesss
Don't dismiss the G-man so fast... Your running out of people to date in Sunnydale.
Buffy: Just what are you implying?
Xander: Well... oops... what I meant to say is...
Buffy poked his arm jokingly as she spoke to emphasis each word.
Buffy: I know exactly what you meant Xander Lavelle Harris.
Xander: Ouch, the dreaded middle name...No, what I actually meant was.... Your beautiful?
Buffy: You can't keep doing that.
Xander looked at her innocently
Xander: Doing what?
Buffy: Complementing me after insulting me, just to get off the hook. You know I can't resist those puppy dog eyes.
Xander: Okay, now that was defiantly something
You... you can't?
Buffy (shyly): Well... No
Xander (grinning): So how about some hot, naked kitchen sex (As suggested by Queen Angel), and with that he gave her his best puppy dog eyes look.
Xander: OWW... so much for not being able to resist.
Both went into the Mcdonalds restaurant.
Unenthusiastic employee: What would you like.
Xander: I take it your out of happy meals then?
Employee: No we have...
Buffy: He was joking.
Employee (extremely sarcastically): How incredibly funny of you. Your wit far exceeds that of mine. Jerk. I'm going to spit in your food
Xander: Jerk
I'll have four bigmac's please, and whatever else Buff is having.
Buffy: Xand, you can't eat all that.
Xander: Watch me... I'll be sitting over there.
Buffy: Hey, you can't leave me to carry it all... it's not very...
Xander: Gentlmanly... I thought we'd covered this one already.
Buffy: Xander... please.
Buffy said pouting slightly.
Xander: Okay, I'll stop the Xander puppy dog eyes if you stop the Buffy-pout. Deal?
Buffy: Nope, I like the power of the Buffy pout.
Xander: You know I can't resist the pout.
Buffy: Really, how about buying the food then.
Xander (disappointingly): Oh, I thought you were going to ask for hot, sweaty, naked, kitchen sex then. That I could do. But buying the food. No way.
Buffy: Fine. I'll get it.
Both sat down, Xander eating his food as fast as he could, so he could prove to Buffy that he could eat all 4 big-macs.
Buffy just starred into space. Eventually Xander looked at her. She wasn't starring into space, she was starring at him. Well this just keeps getting weirder and weirder... unless
He quickly checked his face, wiping it with a tissue just in-case he had something on it. Buffy didn't stop staring.
Xander: Okay I give up, what is it I have on my face that is so interesting? Buff... Buff... Hey Buff, are you listening to me... Obviously not... well I'm just gonna talk to myself, since you have completely zoned off.
Buffy: Huh? What? Did you say something?
Xander: Only a whole conversation.
Buffy: Sorry, I did kind of zone out there... what did you say?
Xander: Are you okay Buff... you seem... a little down.
Buffy (sarcastically): No, I'm just fiinnne.
Xander: I'm not gonna argue with that.
Buffy: Xander, I'm serious.
Xander: Is it a Xander fix it with buffoonery situation?
Buffy: Xander your not just my personal clown. Your important to me. You do know that right?
Xander (nervously): Okay, what is going on
Well I prefer the term jester rather then clown... but yeah.
Buffy: I just wanted to know.
Xander pretended to wipe a tear from his eye.
Xander: That's was so *sniff* beautiful...Your important to me to Buff... really, you mean a lot to me... not as much as your mother but still...
Buffy chucked something at him.
Buffy: Joke now, but I remember someone turning very red earlier on.
Suddenly Xander's bleeper went off.
Oh great just when I have one of those rare Buffy/Xander-closeness moments. This better be important.
Xander looked at the bleeper. Oh bloody hell. Great just great.
Xander: Listen Buff, I have to bail, there's a problem at work.
Buffy: On a Saturday?
Xander: I know, it sucks... but what are you going to do... I'm not just in demand with Summers women, but work too.
Xander got up to leave.
Buffy: Xander ask him, looks like someone couldn't handle all four big-macs No you idiot, ask him
Xander: Hey, it's not my fault... I such a workaholic.
Xander went to walk out but was stop by Buffy.
Buffy:Just ask Xander...
Xander: Yeah.
Buffy: Nothing, it's not important. No... what are you doing
Xander turned round again.
Buffy: Come on last chance Xander.
Xander: Uh huh... spit it out Buff.
Buffy: There's this... party tomorrow, and I was wondering if you would like to go... as my date... just as friends, you know... if you felt like it, we could go... if you didn't have anything else on.... You know, just as friends. Just as friends
Xander: Id love to Buff.
Buffy: Really?, great... Just as
Xander: Friends... I heard you the first, and second time.... I'll see you tomorrow then. Wow, wow... Wow... stop shaking...wow
Buffy: It's just as friends... why do I feel so nervous then
(Yada, yada, yada)
****
****
L.A.
10:47
Angel stood outside the building, lurking: his favourite pass time beside brooding, under the cover of the shadow. He was in full, annoying Angel stealth mode. After all, he didn't want anyone to see him.
Angel straightened his coat, dusting himself off slightly, before walking through the door.
WELCOME TO CARITAS
Tonight; Rap, Hip-hop & Reggae Karaoke.
Angel was stopped by a largish demon standing inside the door, who immediately ran a metal detector across Angel, finding him clean, he allowed him to pass.
His eye's scanned the room, looking for the target. Angel knew he would be there, he always was, it was after all a safe haven. Angel spotted Merl sitting on a stool by the bar, nursing a beer whilst watching Mordar attempt to sing. Angel made his way over to the bar, hoping the parasite demon wouldn't see him and try to run. He needed information, and hoped Merl would have it.
Angel: Hello Merl.
Merl: Vampire... what do you, ah, want.
Angel dipped his hand in his pocket pulling out a roll of money, and chucking a couple of notes on the bar.
Angel: Information.
Merl: Information I can do. What do you want to know?
Angel: Hi-Phop. I want to know about an order called the 'Hi-Phop'. What do you know?
Merl suddenly looked less interested in the money, pushing the notes away from him back to Angel.
Merl: I'm sure I don't know anything for that wad.
Angel chucked a few more notes on the table which Merl reluctantly took, stuffing the notes into his pocket.
Merl: Hi-Phop. You might want to check under modern magics... say, post 1900, diary of MG.Milles.
Angel: Thank you.
Merl: Oh, vampire, remember, I'm not a book... next time you want information, don't ask me... or bring some more incentive.
Angel turned round quickly, his long coat waving dramatically as he turned, and walked straight into the host. Again.
Host: We must stop meeting like this.
Angel: I was just...
Host: Well, I knew you'd be back, no one can resist the charms of karaoke... And you wore your fabulous coat. You just have to tell me where you shop.
Angel: Well I didn't come to....
Angel never got a chance to finish, before he was dragged onto the stage by the... 'charismatic'... host, who lead him out onto the stage.
Host: Well, starting our 'theme' night, back by popular demand, the vampire with a soul. Give a warn reception for Angel. And his own version and lyrics of 'The real slim shady'
Angel coughed a little, trying to clear his throat so he could sing.
Angel: May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will the real tortured vampire please stand up?
I repeat Will the real tortured vampire please stand up?
//A few people walk out.//
Were gonna have a problem here.
Ya'll act like you've never seen a soul'd vampire before
Coat length to the floor, broods all day, and acts like a real guilty bore.
Punk bitch, dead corpse trying to act heroic.
Angel's, back, whinnier then before.
It's the return of the-
O wait, no way, you're a fool, you didn't pay money for this vid. box-set did you?
And Doyle said-
... Nothing you idiot, Doyles dead cause I couldn't do my job, instead you got the Mordar the bentback writing all your lyrics.
Young under-aged school girls love Angel-
Chicka chicka chicka, Angelus I love him,
look at him, walking around, brooding about you know what,
Going round killing you know who "Yeah but he's so tortured though"
Yeah I probably got a couple of killing urges in my head loose,
but no worse then what was going on in Buffy and Rileys bedrooms (Authors notes: Riley=scum)
Sometimes I wanna go out to kill and let some steam loose,
but can't, but it's okay for Buffy to hump me; a dead corpse,
Buffs sword is in my heart, Buffs sword is in my heart,
and if I'm lucky she just might not send me to hell,
instead she might give me another screw,
And that's the message we teach to little kids,
That you can go on a killing spree, and never know what justice is.
Of course Buff knows what intercourse is,
by the time she hit 16,
I'd already seduced her, and got my dick in,
It ain't nothing but hair gel, well some of it is superglue,
making my hair stick up like a cock after taking some of my Viagra,
But if we can hump vampires, and seduce under age women,
then there's no reason that I can't suck blood from living victims,
Say Buffy, when Faith hit me with the poisonous dart
But if you feel like Xander does bout it,
everyone wave your stakes, sing the chorus and it goes...
I'm the real Angelus,
Yes I'm the former brooding Vampire,
All you other serial killers are just imitating,
so won't the original 300+ year old killer...
please stand up, please stand up, please stand up,
Because I'm the real Angel,
Yes I'm the only boring superhero,
All you other tortured souls aren't nearly as boring,
So won't the real PTB-whipped vamp
please stand up, please stand up, please stand up.
Angel finished passionately, standing on the stage, the spotlight trained on him, no one was left in the audience. Bowing to the none existent applause.
Suddenly three men burst through the door, each carrying Ak-47's. Angel couldn't see there faces, they were sporting back to front hoodie's with 'East coast posse' written across the front, with eye slits cut in so they could see.
Man1: Yo bitch, who ya think you fucking with Hi-Phop for.
Man2 (to man one): Kill the West coast, bitch.
Angel who was still in character after his solo answered back.
Angel: Yo, you pussy-whipped gang bangers, who you think you are coming to my manor and threatening me. This is the west coast, bitch, get your ass back to the east coast before me and my homeboys cap your arses.
Man2: Shut it bitch, you think I give a fuck this is your hood.
Angel: Listen I ain't got no beef with ya, I'll be goose, just go home, forget bout this.
Man2: I thought I told you to shut the fuck up.
He fired a few rounds at Angel making him jump a few times to avoid being hit.
Man2: Dance away real slim shady.
Man1 (to Man1): What yo think your fucking around for, the Hi-Phop brother hood said take him alive.
Man2: Yo, he ain't even a brother, he's a fucking Honky. I say we kill him now.
Man1: He might be a peckerwood, but 'MC' still wants to see him.
Man2: Yeah fuck that shit.
Man1: Fuck yourself bi-atch.
Angel: What's the Hi-Phop want with me.
Man1: You are trying to stop the rise of the ultimate gangster.
Angel: What?
Man2: Ever heard of the myth of Magik-C
Angels eyes suddenly went wide as he realised what the Hi-Phop was, remembering having read something about them. Oh god no
Angel attempted to run, heading towards the back door.
The third man, who had been silent up till now, had finally had enough, spraying the contents of his clip at the stage, hitting Angel as he ran, causing him to immediately collapsed with numerous wounds.
Man2 (to man3): Yo man, you an OG now.
The three men began arguing over what had happened, and who would take the blame for killing the man.
Man1: I'm outta here before the pigs arrive.
Man2: You man, you' shook one.
Man1: Fuck you niggah, I'm not a pussy, just don't want to go down in this shit hole.
Man2: Whats up, the honky was a rap singer, the cops just think it's a gangster killing.
Man1: Yeah, but not if they catch us.
And with that, the three men left the now dead, or what they thought was dead man. They had no idea he wasn't human, but instead a vampire, so had no idea that simple bullets couldn't stop him. Only severely hurt him.
As they left, Angel crawled to his phone. He had to warn Buffy before it was too late.
temporary end.
***
***
Note: Yeah, I am really going somewhere with this... and it will actually be a B/X fic... no really it will.