First things first. I DO NOT own the young ones!!!! Glad that's over with. I would also like to thank shabbir siddat for retrieving this for me. I thought I'd lost it forever! Now lets begin with chapter one huh?
Chapter one - Moving in.
The four students surveyed their new house from the street.
"Bloody heck!" cried Rick. "Is this the new house?"
"Well I think its beautiful Rick." objected Neil.
"Well it just makes a change from the last one thats all." remarked Mike.
"Yeah." agreed Vyvyan. "It hasnt been razed to the ground yet."
"Well I think that it looks like a gigantic lavatory." grumbled Rick.
"Oh be fair Rick!" cried Neil running up to the front door. "Look! Its got a letter box! Thats going to be really useful that!"
"What for?" demanded Rick.
"Er...for looking out of when people knock!"
"Look just give me the key please." Rick handed the key to Mike.
"Now watch this very closely." said Mike. He unlocked the door. "See? I used to be a cat burglar y'know."
Neil was impressed. "Oh yeah?"
"Yeah yeah I've got a swiss bank account with two thousand bloody cats in it! C,mon!"
The four enterd the house. Rick and Vyvyan raced off to find a bed room. Neil stared down at the carpet. "Oh wow! Look at all these letters!" the hippy remonstrated. "I thought mister Biloski said that the last lot moved out only yesterday."
"Yeah they did." agreed Mike. "They were illiterate."
"But they were philosophy students!"
"Yeah."
"Oh."
"Anyway." said Mike walking off. "They're probably Bills."
"Who's Bill?" Neil asked himself.
Meanwhile Rick was upstairs trying to stop Vyvyan getting into a room.
"Vyvyan this is my bedroom!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yes! I was here first!"
Vyvyan forced his way into the room. "Ya got any witnesses?"
"Look I dont need witnesses just get off my property!" Rick waved a commanding hand towards the door.
"No!"
"Get out!" Rick nipped Vyvyan trying to inflict damage. Then there was a gorgeous row. Vyvyan punched Rick who fell to the ground. Whilst there Rick hurled a brick at Vyvyan. It missed and went flying through a window. Rick got to his feet as Vyvyan was emptying his suit case over the floor.
"Look this must be my bedroom." said Vyvyan triumphantly. "All my clothes are here!"
Rick snatched up the clothes and threw them from the window. "No they're not Vyvyan." he crowed. Vyvyan took out a match lit it and dumped it onto the bed. The bed burst into an inferno.
"All right have the bedroom." said Rick.
"Ah but I dont want it. It's not mine you see."
"You said it was yours just now!"
"So did you!"
"No I didnt!"
"Did!"
"Didnt!"
"Did!"
"Didnt didnt didnt!!!!!"
Pause.
They raced to the landing.
"Neil!" they cried.
"Your bedrooms on fire!"
* * *
Meanwhile Neil was in the kitchen. "Lucky the guys told me my bedroom was on fire." he said. "I might have gone to sleep and burnt to death. Not that I sleep a lot because I have to spend most of my time in the kitchen having a really bad time." He walked around the kitchen waving his arms in the air. "Hello kitchen! Hello hello! My Names Neil though dont bother remembering it because I'll probably soon be dead anyway!" He opend the cupboard with the intention of removing some cutlery for use to prepare the the dinner. A thousand plates fell out and shatterd on the floor. "Great." said Neil. He took out a teapot. "The only thing left in the cupboard is this teapot and thats filthy. Thanks a lot Mr Bilosky! Thanks a lot for giving us the oldest dirtiest teapot in the world!" The teapot was rather dirty so he rubbed it with his sleeve. As he did so he said "I wish that once just once that this wouldnt happen to me y'know." Poof! When he looked up he saw that the plates were all in one piece on the counter. "Oh wow." He breathed. Just then Vyvyan appeared in the doorway.
"Hello Neil." He stared at the plates. "Is this some kind of sick joke?" he demanded. "Why is'nt supper ready? You havent done a Bloody thing have you Neil?"
Neil was idignant. "Oh well I'm sorry Vyvyan but considering that none of you lot helped me unpack or do anything at all and considering I'm not even feeling very well today actually no its not ready! I dont have twelve pairs of hands y'know! I wish I had but I havent!" Poof! "Oh wow! I have! Yeah! I have twelve pairs of hands Vyvyan!"
"Wheres that emergency tin of tapioca we had Neil?" asked Vyvyan who was in the act of searching the cupboard. Neil ran up to Ricks room.
"Rick Rick! Come and look! Your gonna freak man!" Vyvyan located the kettle.
"Ya havent even made the tea Neil!" He looked up and acknowledged Neil's absence. "Neil? Brilliant!" he said bitterly. "I suppose I'll have to make my own bloody tea!"
He filled the kettle with hot water. Poof! Upstairs Neils arms vanished. He didnt notice.
Rick came out of his bedroom. "I've got twelve pairs of hands Rick! Operational!"
Rick stared at him. "Dear oh dear you'd do anything to try and impress me wouldn't you Neil? Where's Vyvyan?" He went down to the kitchen leaving Neil to work out where his extra hands had gone. Rick found Vyvyan trying to unblock the kettle with a screw driver. "Vyvyan do you think that I could have a word with you?"
"No."
"Just a bit of information really... er why did you throw the toilet out of the window?"
"To lower the rent. You dont have to as much for a house with an outside lavvy." Rick glared at him. "Oh really? Well I dont believe you! I think you did it on purpose because you know I've got a runny bottom!"
Vyvyan gave up and put the kettle down. "Look." he snapped. "Is Neil going to make the supper or not?"
"Well I think you'd better ask him yourself. I'm a bit more interested in my bottom at the moment."
Vyvyan went to the bottom of the stairs and called up. "Neil lets not beat about the bush. Are you going to make the supper or am I going to kick your teeth in?"
Neil followed Mike downstairs. Mike was carrying a large sack which had feet protruding from the top of it. "Where are you going with that sack Mike?"
"Nowhere."
"I thought we agreed to take everyones gear when we went to the laundrette. What about the peoples charter we drew up?" They were in the kitchen by now. Neil took out a note pad and flicked through it to the correct page. "Here we are. Clause forty-eight: None of the guys no matter what like not eve if they'v Been eaten by wild dogs..."
"Hey thats my clause!" grinned Vyvyan.
"Shall go to the laundret without first picking up the other guys dirty gear." concluded Neil.
"RE: Clause forty-nine." said Mike. Neil looked at it.
"Clause forty-nine: Except for Mike. Oh sorry man." Mike carried the sack down to the cellar. The guys watched him go.
"Well thats fair enough I suppose." said Rick. "It gets worse by the minute!"
"Well at least he's not doing the washing up." consoled Neil.
Vyvyan drew himself up. "Ok Neil. You have three seconds to make the supper starting now!" Neil fled to the cooker...
"ONE!"
...grabbed a saucepan...
"TWO!"
...and turned to them.
"What d'you fancy Vyvyan?" he asked.
"THREE!!! WHERES MY SUPPER???!!!!!!"
"Uh well its not quite finished yet actually man..." Neil got no further. Vyvyan had hit him over the head with a plate. Neil collapsed. Rick looked on in disgust.
"Oh thats right Neil yeah!" he said bitterly. "Lounge around! Have a good time! While we starve to death! BEATNIK!"
"And you'v broken my favorite plate!" Vyvyan accused the inept hippy showing him the plate he had broken on his head.
"Ah well." remonstrated Rick tossing a match in the cooker.
"I suppose we shall just have to make our own supper." The cooker went up in flames.
Chapter one - Moving in.
The four students surveyed their new house from the street.
"Bloody heck!" cried Rick. "Is this the new house?"
"Well I think its beautiful Rick." objected Neil.
"Well it just makes a change from the last one thats all." remarked Mike.
"Yeah." agreed Vyvyan. "It hasnt been razed to the ground yet."
"Well I think that it looks like a gigantic lavatory." grumbled Rick.
"Oh be fair Rick!" cried Neil running up to the front door. "Look! Its got a letter box! Thats going to be really useful that!"
"What for?" demanded Rick.
"Er...for looking out of when people knock!"
"Look just give me the key please." Rick handed the key to Mike.
"Now watch this very closely." said Mike. He unlocked the door. "See? I used to be a cat burglar y'know."
Neil was impressed. "Oh yeah?"
"Yeah yeah I've got a swiss bank account with two thousand bloody cats in it! C,mon!"
The four enterd the house. Rick and Vyvyan raced off to find a bed room. Neil stared down at the carpet. "Oh wow! Look at all these letters!" the hippy remonstrated. "I thought mister Biloski said that the last lot moved out only yesterday."
"Yeah they did." agreed Mike. "They were illiterate."
"But they were philosophy students!"
"Yeah."
"Oh."
"Anyway." said Mike walking off. "They're probably Bills."
"Who's Bill?" Neil asked himself.
Meanwhile Rick was upstairs trying to stop Vyvyan getting into a room.
"Vyvyan this is my bedroom!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yes! I was here first!"
Vyvyan forced his way into the room. "Ya got any witnesses?"
"Look I dont need witnesses just get off my property!" Rick waved a commanding hand towards the door.
"No!"
"Get out!" Rick nipped Vyvyan trying to inflict damage. Then there was a gorgeous row. Vyvyan punched Rick who fell to the ground. Whilst there Rick hurled a brick at Vyvyan. It missed and went flying through a window. Rick got to his feet as Vyvyan was emptying his suit case over the floor.
"Look this must be my bedroom." said Vyvyan triumphantly. "All my clothes are here!"
Rick snatched up the clothes and threw them from the window. "No they're not Vyvyan." he crowed. Vyvyan took out a match lit it and dumped it onto the bed. The bed burst into an inferno.
"All right have the bedroom." said Rick.
"Ah but I dont want it. It's not mine you see."
"You said it was yours just now!"
"So did you!"
"No I didnt!"
"Did!"
"Didnt!"
"Did!"
"Didnt didnt didnt!!!!!"
Pause.
They raced to the landing.
"Neil!" they cried.
"Your bedrooms on fire!"
* * *
Meanwhile Neil was in the kitchen. "Lucky the guys told me my bedroom was on fire." he said. "I might have gone to sleep and burnt to death. Not that I sleep a lot because I have to spend most of my time in the kitchen having a really bad time." He walked around the kitchen waving his arms in the air. "Hello kitchen! Hello hello! My Names Neil though dont bother remembering it because I'll probably soon be dead anyway!" He opend the cupboard with the intention of removing some cutlery for use to prepare the the dinner. A thousand plates fell out and shatterd on the floor. "Great." said Neil. He took out a teapot. "The only thing left in the cupboard is this teapot and thats filthy. Thanks a lot Mr Bilosky! Thanks a lot for giving us the oldest dirtiest teapot in the world!" The teapot was rather dirty so he rubbed it with his sleeve. As he did so he said "I wish that once just once that this wouldnt happen to me y'know." Poof! When he looked up he saw that the plates were all in one piece on the counter. "Oh wow." He breathed. Just then Vyvyan appeared in the doorway.
"Hello Neil." He stared at the plates. "Is this some kind of sick joke?" he demanded. "Why is'nt supper ready? You havent done a Bloody thing have you Neil?"
Neil was idignant. "Oh well I'm sorry Vyvyan but considering that none of you lot helped me unpack or do anything at all and considering I'm not even feeling very well today actually no its not ready! I dont have twelve pairs of hands y'know! I wish I had but I havent!" Poof! "Oh wow! I have! Yeah! I have twelve pairs of hands Vyvyan!"
"Wheres that emergency tin of tapioca we had Neil?" asked Vyvyan who was in the act of searching the cupboard. Neil ran up to Ricks room.
"Rick Rick! Come and look! Your gonna freak man!" Vyvyan located the kettle.
"Ya havent even made the tea Neil!" He looked up and acknowledged Neil's absence. "Neil? Brilliant!" he said bitterly. "I suppose I'll have to make my own bloody tea!"
He filled the kettle with hot water. Poof! Upstairs Neils arms vanished. He didnt notice.
Rick came out of his bedroom. "I've got twelve pairs of hands Rick! Operational!"
Rick stared at him. "Dear oh dear you'd do anything to try and impress me wouldn't you Neil? Where's Vyvyan?" He went down to the kitchen leaving Neil to work out where his extra hands had gone. Rick found Vyvyan trying to unblock the kettle with a screw driver. "Vyvyan do you think that I could have a word with you?"
"No."
"Just a bit of information really... er why did you throw the toilet out of the window?"
"To lower the rent. You dont have to as much for a house with an outside lavvy." Rick glared at him. "Oh really? Well I dont believe you! I think you did it on purpose because you know I've got a runny bottom!"
Vyvyan gave up and put the kettle down. "Look." he snapped. "Is Neil going to make the supper or not?"
"Well I think you'd better ask him yourself. I'm a bit more interested in my bottom at the moment."
Vyvyan went to the bottom of the stairs and called up. "Neil lets not beat about the bush. Are you going to make the supper or am I going to kick your teeth in?"
Neil followed Mike downstairs. Mike was carrying a large sack which had feet protruding from the top of it. "Where are you going with that sack Mike?"
"Nowhere."
"I thought we agreed to take everyones gear when we went to the laundrette. What about the peoples charter we drew up?" They were in the kitchen by now. Neil took out a note pad and flicked through it to the correct page. "Here we are. Clause forty-eight: None of the guys no matter what like not eve if they'v Been eaten by wild dogs..."
"Hey thats my clause!" grinned Vyvyan.
"Shall go to the laundret without first picking up the other guys dirty gear." concluded Neil.
"RE: Clause forty-nine." said Mike. Neil looked at it.
"Clause forty-nine: Except for Mike. Oh sorry man." Mike carried the sack down to the cellar. The guys watched him go.
"Well thats fair enough I suppose." said Rick. "It gets worse by the minute!"
"Well at least he's not doing the washing up." consoled Neil.
Vyvyan drew himself up. "Ok Neil. You have three seconds to make the supper starting now!" Neil fled to the cooker...
"ONE!"
...grabbed a saucepan...
"TWO!"
...and turned to them.
"What d'you fancy Vyvyan?" he asked.
"THREE!!! WHERES MY SUPPER???!!!!!!"
"Uh well its not quite finished yet actually man..." Neil got no further. Vyvyan had hit him over the head with a plate. Neil collapsed. Rick looked on in disgust.
"Oh thats right Neil yeah!" he said bitterly. "Lounge around! Have a good time! While we starve to death! BEATNIK!"
"And you'v broken my favorite plate!" Vyvyan accused the inept hippy showing him the plate he had broken on his head.
"Ah well." remonstrated Rick tossing a match in the cooker.
"I suppose we shall just have to make our own supper." The cooker went up in flames.