Chapter two - The black gold
Rick Vyvyan and Neil sat staring at the telly which was playing a never ending note. "This is revolting." grunted Vyvyan.
"You know." remarked Rick. "It is amazing what you can come up with with just flour and water."
"Yeah. Glue."
They went back to gazing at the telly. "What is that little white dot?" asked Rick after a while.
"Its a little white dot." Neil explained.
"Oh very clever!"
"That must be a really old telly." Neil commented after a while.
Rick stared at him. "What hippy?"
"Its a sign that little white dot." went on Neil. "It means something really heavy. It means theres no more telly. Its time to go to bed."
He got up and headed for the stairs. Then he faced them again. "I'm just going upstairs to finish painting my astrological star chart" he explained and then went up stairs.
Rick stared after him as he went. "Do you really think that anyone is ever in the slightest bit intrested in anything you say or do ever Neil? God the facist." Rick sighed and got up. "You going to bed Vyvyan?"
"Nah. I'm just going to watch the dot a bit longer."
"Wish we had a video. Then I could watch it in the morning." he turned away remarking pleasantly as he went " oh well nighty-night then!"
Vyvyan waved two of his fingers after Rick as he departed up the stairs.
At that moment the Television finally decided to throw in the towel. "And don't forget you switch off your set!" the monotone voice warned like a gypsies curse.
"Why?" Vyvyan inquired petulantly.
"Because if you don't then it'll blow up you silly boy."
Vyvyan's face lit up in boyish delight. "Great!" he exclaimed as he sat forward and stared intently at the now totally black screen.
After a while his face returned to his formerly dark and foul expression as the wonderful promised event completely failed to take place.
"That's never gonna blow up!" he growled as he jumped to his feet and switching off the light reached over and grabbed a double-headed axe from under the sofa. "Think I'll play murder in the dark..."
* * *
Rick headed for his room. He discoverd Mike playing golf on the landing. He scowled suspiciously at him. "What'r you doing standing outside my bedroom then Mike?" he demanded.
"Well theres only the floor to sit on Rick."
"Oh ha ha ha. I suppose you think its really clever to laugh with three million people on the dole."
"Yeah."
Pause.
"Look" said Rick. "Could you just get out of my way please? I want to get into my bedroom."
"Well I wont stand on convention. He never stood on me. That'll be a fiver. For the room not not the game."
"Five pounds to get into my own bedroom?" laughed Rick. "HA! What'v you done? Turned it into a roller disco?"
Rick barged into his bedroom only to discover that this was just what Mike had done. "Look would you all mind just going please?" he exclaimed. "I'm sorry to be a party pooper but its just that I'd like to get undressed now."
Before the tenants could reply Rick was hauled off his feet by a huge bouncer taken from the room and had his pounded on the floor repeatedly.
"Sorry for the noise guvnor." the bouncer apologised to Mike.
"Easy going Jeeves. I dont want the punters getting upset."
"Next time throw the paper out the window as well Vyvyan." grumbled Neil appearing on the landing.
"Neil help!" cried Rick.
"Oh I can't Rick because now is the time to finish painting my astrological chart." explained Neil retreating into his bedroom.
"Mike you bastard!" howled Rick as he was dropped on his head and the bouncer returned to the disco.
Rick looked up at Mike. "Your always so pleased with yourself arent you Mike?" he said bitterly. "You always think your so bloody clever!"
"Dont worry Rick." said Mike. "I'v arranged for you to share Neils room."
"What?" cried Rick leaping to his feet. "I'm not sharing a room with that turd!" He stormed into Neils room knocking over Neil who was halfway up a step ladder painting his star chart.
"Ok Neil! Shut up! I'v just tossed a coin for who gets the bed and you lost! Its completely fair and if you dont believe me ask Mike so shut up!"
"Oh ok Rick."
Rick stared at him. "What?" he demanded.
"What?"
"What did you just say? You just called me a bastard didnt you? Well you'd better not Neil! Because let me tell you me and Mike and Vyvyan are getting pretty sick of you! Here...why are your sheets all sticky???" Rick pulled off the bedsheets to reveal...the disembodied head of a moose!
"ARRRRRGHHH!!!!!"
Mike enterd the room and looked at Neil. "All right Neil?" he smirked. "Maybe a bit heavy handed for one pound fifty but when I lend someone money I expect to get it back. Know what I mean?"
Vyvyan rushed in in a state of breathless excitement. "I'm RICH!" he cried. "I'v struck oil in the cellar! We'r gonna be RICH!"
"Vyvyan for heavens sake..."
"Easy." said Mike and turned to Vyvyan. "Ok spill the beans Vyvyan and I dont mean on the carpet."
"Its really simple." explained Vyvyan. "Y'see I was playing murder in the dark in the cellar. And I was getting really bored when I said "I know! I'll crack the floor with my head!". And When I did this huge spurt of oil came out!"
"Ok this is big." said Mike. "Really big. I mean family sized. Tonight we sleep on it."
"What? All four on one spurt?"
"House meeting in the broom closet tomorrow morning. Oh and Neil? I want my one pound fifty by friday or another moose dies."
* * *
Rosco Wilco of the SAS grabbed the ringing phone from the receiver. "Hello chief?" he barked into the mouthpiece. "How many minutes?! DAMN!! I'm gonna nail this sick mother even if the DA take my badge! Chief! Just give me another week!"
Rosco slammed the reciever down and reflected in awe. "God I wish I knew what all that meant..."
* * *
So it was that Rick and Neil squeezed into the broom closet at six o clock the next morning. "Seems strange that Mike should call a meeting here." sniffed Rick. "I mean I'v never been in here before."
"Thats because this is where all the cleaning stuff is kept Rick."
"No its not. Its because we only moved in here yesterday."
"Actually." grumbled Neil. "I'm suprised that anyone except me even knows this place exists. Because although to you lot I seem to have about as much importance as...as..."
"A hippy?"
"...as a hippy it does happen to be me who does most of the cleaning around here."
"Moan moan BOOOOOOOOORRRRRIIIIINNNNNGGG just because ya do a little bit of house work!" sighed Rick.
"A little bit? Right house meeting!" Neil exclaimed as he rapped on the cupboard door feeling justly indignant.
"This IS a house meeting!"
"Is it? Well where are Vyvyan and Mike?"
"They're late!" snapped Rick crabbily. "We'r only here early because you kept me awake all night pacing up and down and ringing bells!"
"Listen man sleep gives you cancer. Everyone knows that."
"Listen Neil." said Rick nastily. "Do you know the difference between you and a bag man? NOTHING!"
Neil sniffed and began to dab at his now moistening eyes.
"Oh stop crying Neil."
"I'm not crying Rick. I'm going to sneeze."
"Neil." said Rick pointing at several layers of dust that coated every discernable surface in the cupboard. "No."
"I am. I'm going to sneeze."
"NO!"
"ATCHOO!"
KAAAAABOOOOM!!!!
Rick and Neil were forced to evacuate the broom closet. As they stood coughing and spluttering Vyvyan appeared at the top of the stairs. He was now wearing a riot helmet and carrying a cricket bat.
"Here they are El persidenta!" Vyvyan cried. He ran down and seized them by the scruffs of their necks. "Southern conspiring traitors!" Vyvyan snarled rushing them into the living room and hurling them to the floor. "I'll teach ya to try and asassainate the president!"
Vyvyan saluted as Mike appeared wearing a sleek black coat dark glasses and a gangsters hat.
"Here he is! El preidenta!"
"What the bloody heck is going on?" cried Rick from his place on the ground.
"Shut your face traitor!" Vyvyan struck him on the bottom with the cricket bat.
"Ha ha missed both my legs!" laughed Rick.
He stopped when Vyvyan smacked him on the head.
"Who's been sticking chewing gum on the floor?" demanded Neil. When he received no reply he stuck it in his mouth.
El presidenta Mike flashed his captives a sinister smile. "Good morning gentlemen." he said.
"Good morning." echoed Vyvyan.
"I'm glad you could both make it because if you hadn't you wouldn't be here."
"Wouldn't be here." echoed Vyvyan.
"Now what were you doing in the broom closet?"
"Good question." said Vyvyan.
"Oh well we were having a house meeting actually." explained Neil.
"Impossible." said Mike crushingly.
"Impossible!" cried Vyvyan giving Neil smack on the head which renderd him unconciouse.
"Because Colonel Vyvyan and myself had a meeting upstairs." said Mike. "And I'm afraid that under the new regulations non-attendace at house meetings is punishable by death."
"Ha ha ha!" laughed Vyvyan. "DEATH!"
"I would like to over-look this but you seem to be responsible for other criminal activities." went on Mike. "Namely loitering with intent..."
"Good one." said Vyvyan.
"...conspiring in the broom closet... "
"Brilliant!" said Vyvyan.
"...and damaging police equipment."
Vyvyan showed Rick the missing corner in the bat which had resulted in its earlier confrontation with Rick.
"However I the president..."
"VIVA EL PRESIDENTA!" Vyvyan saluted.
"...am prepared to offer you a free amnesty if you both behave like good citizens and go down to the cellar and dig up all the oil."
Mike waited for Rick and Neils delighted reponse.
It didnt come.
"You fascist honta!" cried Rick.
CRACK!
Rick went down a third time.
"Look you do want to be incredibly rich dont you?" asked Mike.
"Yes." said Rick.
"But why cant you both come to the cellars and dig as well?"
"Oh that is fab Rick that is fab! So when I pop round Sadam Huessains office what do I say eh? 'Hello you highness I have some oil for you. In fact I have a sample of it all over my shirt. You wouldnt happen to have a tin of soft suds around the palace would you?'. Wise up Rick He'd chop my hands off!"
* * *
Later Neil and Rick were hacking away at the ground with-pick axes.
There was no sign of the oil yet.
Disaster struck as Neil brought down his pick at the same time as Vyvyan looked into the hole to check for oil. "Oh sorry man." Neil apologised sheepishly.
Vyvyan felt the pick embedded in his head. He grinned serenely at Neil. "Its ok Neil. That was bound to happen sooner or later." he said and then allowed himself the luxury of collapsing.
Rick turned to Neil in excitement. "This is it!" he cried. "I'v been waiting two hours for this! Its a REVOLOUTION!"
"Revoloution?" "REVOLOUTION! Blood runs! Flags wave! Come on everybody throw down your tools and flood out the barricades!"
Neil picked his axe up and then threw it down again in defiance of tyrrany.
"Come on everybody into the palace and stand on the tables waving bits of paper at each other! Hello are you the Tsar? "Yes I am actually." BLAM BLAM! Ha ha tough luck fascist! Neil I'v got everything ready! In ten minutes theres gonna be a huge rock and roll benefit gig in the living room and at the climax the workers of the house-thats you and me-will rise and seize control of the states. Watch out Norman Tebbit!"
* * *
Mike stared at the band standing in the living room. "Who are you? I came in here to watch Postman Pat." "
Well I'm Ringo Star and these are my followers."
Mike beat a hasty retreat.
Rick wanderd into the room and grinned at the band. "Hi Ringo. Or can I call you comrade?" He winked at the leader of the band. "You know what you've got to do? You play a huge concert and then right at the peak of the gig you incite the masses to rise and then we burn the palace. Well we burn Mikes room anyway. And then hey presto REVOLOUTION!"
The band leader scowled in annoyance. "Stuff the revoloution, wheres my two-hundred quid?"
"Oh...blimey I'd better go and sell some tickets hadnt I?" Rick fished a book of cloak room tickets out of his pocket stood by the door and shouted "Tickets!...Anybody?"
He noticed Neil sitting in the middle of the room. "Er Neil." he said. "Did you actually pay to get in?"
"I'm the opressed workers of the house Rick." explained Neil.
"Yes but it is a benefit gig and the tickets are twenty five hundred pounds each."
"Twenty five hundred pounds? Thats extortion!"
Rick glared at the hippy in righteous disgust. "Look this benefit is for you! Its in aid of you! To help you! And you wont even pay for it? God how self centred can you get? C'mon cough up!"
"I've only got twenty pee Rick."
"Well that'll have to do."
The gig began.
Rick watched in disgust. "BORING!" he cried. "What happend to the revoloution? God you'd think that Devil Woman had never been written."
Mike walken in and stared at Rick and Neil. "What are you doing here?" he demanded. "Why arent you digging for oil? I do hope that you both realise that all this loitering around has cost us all one day of being incredibly rich!"
"Goodness is that the time?" sneered Rick.
Just then Vyvyan enterd the room. "By the way" he said. "that was a complete lie about the oil."
Rick Vyvyan and Neil sat staring at the telly which was playing a never ending note. "This is revolting." grunted Vyvyan.
"You know." remarked Rick. "It is amazing what you can come up with with just flour and water."
"Yeah. Glue."
They went back to gazing at the telly. "What is that little white dot?" asked Rick after a while.
"Its a little white dot." Neil explained.
"Oh very clever!"
"That must be a really old telly." Neil commented after a while.
Rick stared at him. "What hippy?"
"Its a sign that little white dot." went on Neil. "It means something really heavy. It means theres no more telly. Its time to go to bed."
He got up and headed for the stairs. Then he faced them again. "I'm just going upstairs to finish painting my astrological star chart" he explained and then went up stairs.
Rick stared after him as he went. "Do you really think that anyone is ever in the slightest bit intrested in anything you say or do ever Neil? God the facist." Rick sighed and got up. "You going to bed Vyvyan?"
"Nah. I'm just going to watch the dot a bit longer."
"Wish we had a video. Then I could watch it in the morning." he turned away remarking pleasantly as he went " oh well nighty-night then!"
Vyvyan waved two of his fingers after Rick as he departed up the stairs.
At that moment the Television finally decided to throw in the towel. "And don't forget you switch off your set!" the monotone voice warned like a gypsies curse.
"Why?" Vyvyan inquired petulantly.
"Because if you don't then it'll blow up you silly boy."
Vyvyan's face lit up in boyish delight. "Great!" he exclaimed as he sat forward and stared intently at the now totally black screen.
After a while his face returned to his formerly dark and foul expression as the wonderful promised event completely failed to take place.
"That's never gonna blow up!" he growled as he jumped to his feet and switching off the light reached over and grabbed a double-headed axe from under the sofa. "Think I'll play murder in the dark..."
* * *
Rick headed for his room. He discoverd Mike playing golf on the landing. He scowled suspiciously at him. "What'r you doing standing outside my bedroom then Mike?" he demanded.
"Well theres only the floor to sit on Rick."
"Oh ha ha ha. I suppose you think its really clever to laugh with three million people on the dole."
"Yeah."
Pause.
"Look" said Rick. "Could you just get out of my way please? I want to get into my bedroom."
"Well I wont stand on convention. He never stood on me. That'll be a fiver. For the room not not the game."
"Five pounds to get into my own bedroom?" laughed Rick. "HA! What'v you done? Turned it into a roller disco?"
Rick barged into his bedroom only to discover that this was just what Mike had done. "Look would you all mind just going please?" he exclaimed. "I'm sorry to be a party pooper but its just that I'd like to get undressed now."
Before the tenants could reply Rick was hauled off his feet by a huge bouncer taken from the room and had his pounded on the floor repeatedly.
"Sorry for the noise guvnor." the bouncer apologised to Mike.
"Easy going Jeeves. I dont want the punters getting upset."
"Next time throw the paper out the window as well Vyvyan." grumbled Neil appearing on the landing.
"Neil help!" cried Rick.
"Oh I can't Rick because now is the time to finish painting my astrological chart." explained Neil retreating into his bedroom.
"Mike you bastard!" howled Rick as he was dropped on his head and the bouncer returned to the disco.
Rick looked up at Mike. "Your always so pleased with yourself arent you Mike?" he said bitterly. "You always think your so bloody clever!"
"Dont worry Rick." said Mike. "I'v arranged for you to share Neils room."
"What?" cried Rick leaping to his feet. "I'm not sharing a room with that turd!" He stormed into Neils room knocking over Neil who was halfway up a step ladder painting his star chart.
"Ok Neil! Shut up! I'v just tossed a coin for who gets the bed and you lost! Its completely fair and if you dont believe me ask Mike so shut up!"
"Oh ok Rick."
Rick stared at him. "What?" he demanded.
"What?"
"What did you just say? You just called me a bastard didnt you? Well you'd better not Neil! Because let me tell you me and Mike and Vyvyan are getting pretty sick of you! Here...why are your sheets all sticky???" Rick pulled off the bedsheets to reveal...the disembodied head of a moose!
"ARRRRRGHHH!!!!!"
Mike enterd the room and looked at Neil. "All right Neil?" he smirked. "Maybe a bit heavy handed for one pound fifty but when I lend someone money I expect to get it back. Know what I mean?"
Vyvyan rushed in in a state of breathless excitement. "I'm RICH!" he cried. "I'v struck oil in the cellar! We'r gonna be RICH!"
"Vyvyan for heavens sake..."
"Easy." said Mike and turned to Vyvyan. "Ok spill the beans Vyvyan and I dont mean on the carpet."
"Its really simple." explained Vyvyan. "Y'see I was playing murder in the dark in the cellar. And I was getting really bored when I said "I know! I'll crack the floor with my head!". And When I did this huge spurt of oil came out!"
"Ok this is big." said Mike. "Really big. I mean family sized. Tonight we sleep on it."
"What? All four on one spurt?"
"House meeting in the broom closet tomorrow morning. Oh and Neil? I want my one pound fifty by friday or another moose dies."
* * *
Rosco Wilco of the SAS grabbed the ringing phone from the receiver. "Hello chief?" he barked into the mouthpiece. "How many minutes?! DAMN!! I'm gonna nail this sick mother even if the DA take my badge! Chief! Just give me another week!"
Rosco slammed the reciever down and reflected in awe. "God I wish I knew what all that meant..."
* * *
So it was that Rick and Neil squeezed into the broom closet at six o clock the next morning. "Seems strange that Mike should call a meeting here." sniffed Rick. "I mean I'v never been in here before."
"Thats because this is where all the cleaning stuff is kept Rick."
"No its not. Its because we only moved in here yesterday."
"Actually." grumbled Neil. "I'm suprised that anyone except me even knows this place exists. Because although to you lot I seem to have about as much importance as...as..."
"A hippy?"
"...as a hippy it does happen to be me who does most of the cleaning around here."
"Moan moan BOOOOOOOOORRRRRIIIIINNNNNGGG just because ya do a little bit of house work!" sighed Rick.
"A little bit? Right house meeting!" Neil exclaimed as he rapped on the cupboard door feeling justly indignant.
"This IS a house meeting!"
"Is it? Well where are Vyvyan and Mike?"
"They're late!" snapped Rick crabbily. "We'r only here early because you kept me awake all night pacing up and down and ringing bells!"
"Listen man sleep gives you cancer. Everyone knows that."
"Listen Neil." said Rick nastily. "Do you know the difference between you and a bag man? NOTHING!"
Neil sniffed and began to dab at his now moistening eyes.
"Oh stop crying Neil."
"I'm not crying Rick. I'm going to sneeze."
"Neil." said Rick pointing at several layers of dust that coated every discernable surface in the cupboard. "No."
"I am. I'm going to sneeze."
"NO!"
"ATCHOO!"
KAAAAABOOOOM!!!!
Rick and Neil were forced to evacuate the broom closet. As they stood coughing and spluttering Vyvyan appeared at the top of the stairs. He was now wearing a riot helmet and carrying a cricket bat.
"Here they are El persidenta!" Vyvyan cried. He ran down and seized them by the scruffs of their necks. "Southern conspiring traitors!" Vyvyan snarled rushing them into the living room and hurling them to the floor. "I'll teach ya to try and asassainate the president!"
Vyvyan saluted as Mike appeared wearing a sleek black coat dark glasses and a gangsters hat.
"Here he is! El preidenta!"
"What the bloody heck is going on?" cried Rick from his place on the ground.
"Shut your face traitor!" Vyvyan struck him on the bottom with the cricket bat.
"Ha ha missed both my legs!" laughed Rick.
He stopped when Vyvyan smacked him on the head.
"Who's been sticking chewing gum on the floor?" demanded Neil. When he received no reply he stuck it in his mouth.
El presidenta Mike flashed his captives a sinister smile. "Good morning gentlemen." he said.
"Good morning." echoed Vyvyan.
"I'm glad you could both make it because if you hadn't you wouldn't be here."
"Wouldn't be here." echoed Vyvyan.
"Now what were you doing in the broom closet?"
"Good question." said Vyvyan.
"Oh well we were having a house meeting actually." explained Neil.
"Impossible." said Mike crushingly.
"Impossible!" cried Vyvyan giving Neil smack on the head which renderd him unconciouse.
"Because Colonel Vyvyan and myself had a meeting upstairs." said Mike. "And I'm afraid that under the new regulations non-attendace at house meetings is punishable by death."
"Ha ha ha!" laughed Vyvyan. "DEATH!"
"I would like to over-look this but you seem to be responsible for other criminal activities." went on Mike. "Namely loitering with intent..."
"Good one." said Vyvyan.
"...conspiring in the broom closet... "
"Brilliant!" said Vyvyan.
"...and damaging police equipment."
Vyvyan showed Rick the missing corner in the bat which had resulted in its earlier confrontation with Rick.
"However I the president..."
"VIVA EL PRESIDENTA!" Vyvyan saluted.
"...am prepared to offer you a free amnesty if you both behave like good citizens and go down to the cellar and dig up all the oil."
Mike waited for Rick and Neils delighted reponse.
It didnt come.
"You fascist honta!" cried Rick.
CRACK!
Rick went down a third time.
"Look you do want to be incredibly rich dont you?" asked Mike.
"Yes." said Rick.
"But why cant you both come to the cellars and dig as well?"
"Oh that is fab Rick that is fab! So when I pop round Sadam Huessains office what do I say eh? 'Hello you highness I have some oil for you. In fact I have a sample of it all over my shirt. You wouldnt happen to have a tin of soft suds around the palace would you?'. Wise up Rick He'd chop my hands off!"
* * *
Later Neil and Rick were hacking away at the ground with-pick axes.
There was no sign of the oil yet.
Disaster struck as Neil brought down his pick at the same time as Vyvyan looked into the hole to check for oil. "Oh sorry man." Neil apologised sheepishly.
Vyvyan felt the pick embedded in his head. He grinned serenely at Neil. "Its ok Neil. That was bound to happen sooner or later." he said and then allowed himself the luxury of collapsing.
Rick turned to Neil in excitement. "This is it!" he cried. "I'v been waiting two hours for this! Its a REVOLOUTION!"
"Revoloution?" "REVOLOUTION! Blood runs! Flags wave! Come on everybody throw down your tools and flood out the barricades!"
Neil picked his axe up and then threw it down again in defiance of tyrrany.
"Come on everybody into the palace and stand on the tables waving bits of paper at each other! Hello are you the Tsar? "Yes I am actually." BLAM BLAM! Ha ha tough luck fascist! Neil I'v got everything ready! In ten minutes theres gonna be a huge rock and roll benefit gig in the living room and at the climax the workers of the house-thats you and me-will rise and seize control of the states. Watch out Norman Tebbit!"
* * *
Mike stared at the band standing in the living room. "Who are you? I came in here to watch Postman Pat." "
Well I'm Ringo Star and these are my followers."
Mike beat a hasty retreat.
Rick wanderd into the room and grinned at the band. "Hi Ringo. Or can I call you comrade?" He winked at the leader of the band. "You know what you've got to do? You play a huge concert and then right at the peak of the gig you incite the masses to rise and then we burn the palace. Well we burn Mikes room anyway. And then hey presto REVOLOUTION!"
The band leader scowled in annoyance. "Stuff the revoloution, wheres my two-hundred quid?"
"Oh...blimey I'd better go and sell some tickets hadnt I?" Rick fished a book of cloak room tickets out of his pocket stood by the door and shouted "Tickets!...Anybody?"
He noticed Neil sitting in the middle of the room. "Er Neil." he said. "Did you actually pay to get in?"
"I'm the opressed workers of the house Rick." explained Neil.
"Yes but it is a benefit gig and the tickets are twenty five hundred pounds each."
"Twenty five hundred pounds? Thats extortion!"
Rick glared at the hippy in righteous disgust. "Look this benefit is for you! Its in aid of you! To help you! And you wont even pay for it? God how self centred can you get? C'mon cough up!"
"I've only got twenty pee Rick."
"Well that'll have to do."
The gig began.
Rick watched in disgust. "BORING!" he cried. "What happend to the revoloution? God you'd think that Devil Woman had never been written."
Mike walken in and stared at Rick and Neil. "What are you doing here?" he demanded. "Why arent you digging for oil? I do hope that you both realise that all this loitering around has cost us all one day of being incredibly rich!"
"Goodness is that the time?" sneered Rick.
Just then Vyvyan enterd the room. "By the way" he said. "that was a complete lie about the oil."