Chapter three - Boring.
The next day they were all assembled around the breakfast table. Vyvyan was scrawling over the back of a cornflakes box.
"I'm going to win a Ford Prefect any minute now." he said. "Its really simple actually. All you have to do is write down in ten or less words what cornflakes mean to you." He read out what he had written. "Cornflakes cornflakes cornflakes cornflakes cornflakes cornflakes cornflakes cornflakes cornflakes." "Pathetic!" snapped Rick. "You'll never win Vyvyan." "Why not?" "Theres only nine words." "Oh yeah." Vyvyan added another cornflakes.
"Anyway you'll still never win because nothing intresting ever happens to us." sighed Rick. "Stop being so boring Rick." Rick looked up at Vyvyan. "Oh well thats nice isnt it?" he exclaimed. "Thats very NICE! Coming from someone as boring as you!" "Look could you like stop hustling each other I'm getting really bored with it alright." said Neil. "Oh dear me! Poor old Neils getting BORED! The most BORING person in the whole wide world is finally getting a taste of his own medicine!" "I think we'r overdoing the boredom motive in this conversation." said Mike. "I think its time to extend our vocabulary. Look I thought we'd decided..." "YES! You decided Michael!" yelled Vyvyan. "Guys!" cried Rick. "Look at us! Squabbling! Bickering! Like children! Whats happening to us? We never used to be like this!" "Yes we did." said Vyvyan. "Yeah he's right Rick we'v always been like this." "But thats just exactly my point. Nothing ever changes. Nothing ever happens to us." Pause. "Monopoly?" Rick sighed. "Yes."
* * *
Later Mike Vyvyan and Rick were stuck into monopoly. "Hey." said Rick. "Wouldnt it be AMAZING if all this money was real?" "That is the most predictable and boring thing that anyone could ever say whilst playing monopoly." "Well what about Vyvyan then? I could say Vyvyan couldnt I because its so boring." Vyvyan picked up a chance card. "You have just won first place in a beauty contest..." he read. "Ha ha ha!" crowed Rick. "...smash Rick over the head with the box." concluded Vyvyan. He proceeded to follow the instructions on the card. Literally. "It did not say that!" roared Rick. "Mike! Vyvyan is cheating!" Vyvyan handed Mike the card for him to peruse. "No he's right Rick thats exactly what it says." "In biro Mike! In biro over the top of the print!" "But we have to change the rules because monopoly's so BORING!" explained Vyvyan. Rick looked at another chance card... "Congratulations it is your birthday. You may set fire to Ricks bed." "Good one!" chuckled Vyvyan. ...and another one... "Get out of jail free. You may keep this card sell it or stick it up Ricks bottom." Rick threw the card on the floor. "Vyvyan you'v ruined the game!" he roared. "I was BORED!" "Well thats nothing." remarked Mike. "Neils so bored he's gone down to the bottom of the garden to kill himself. And its his go." Just then Neil wanderd in. "Oh so you'v decided to come in have you Neil?" asked Rick. "Well we'v finished playing monopoly now and you lost!"
"Oh." said Neil. "I'm amazed I lasted as long as I did." There was the sound of somebody knocking at the door. "Theres someone at the door Rick." said Mike. "Theres someone at the door Vyvyan." "Theres someone at the door Neil." "Theres someone at the door Mike." "I know." KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! "Theres someone at the door RICK!" "Theres someone at the door Vyvyan!" "Theres someone at the door Mike!" "Hey guys!" cried Neil. "I'v just had an incredible idea. Why dont we like decide which one of us is going to answer the door and then like send them to answer the door and then come back and tell whoever it is who wants to see them yeah?"
"Neil do us a favor. Die."
"So I suppose I shall just go and answer the door myself as usual." grumbled Neil.
He did.
A moment later he returned.
"I went to answer the door but there was no one there!"
"God how BORING!" sighed Rick.
* * *
Later Neil Mike and Vyvyan sat on the sofa watching the telly.
Rick looked on and grunted.
"Bloody hell." he said bittery. "Theres no room for me on the sofa as usual. I suppose I'll just have to sit on the rickety chair. Well not this time."
Rick lunged at the telly.
"Oh goody goody gum drops!" he exclaimed. "Just in time to watch Crikey Oh Blimey!"
He switched the channel over.
"Oh Rick!" cried Neil. "We were watching Bastard Squad!"
"Oh were you?" said Rick innocently. "Oh well get off the sofa and change it over if you like. I dont mind."
Neil began to follow Ricks advice and then thought. "Er no I'v hurt my back."
"Oh...Shame."
Vyvyan got off the sofa and went over to the telly.
In one fluid motion Rick captured his place on the sofa.
"Ha ha!" laughed Rick. "Fooled you! Thought you'd been really clever did'nt you but you fell right into my trap! Now you can sit in the rickety chair!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Oh yeah!"
Vyvyan pushed Rick of the sofa and onto the ground.
While he sat down again Rick picked himself up.
"I'll just sit here on the floor then." he said. "Not in your way or anything am I?"
"This is my favorite show." remarked Vyvyan. "It would be absoloutly typical if it was interrupted by news of a siege or something like that."
Just then the show was interrupted news of a nuclear siege.
"We interrupt this weeks episode of Bastard Squad to bring you live and up to date coverage of a siege going on in an unsanitory slum." said the reporter who's glasses looked like they fitted under his skin rather than over it.
"Oh great." grumbled Rick. "So now we get a shot of a street for the next half hour. Nothing ever happens in these things. Well if it does we dont get to see it." Unnoticed by the lads an Arab wearing a head dress and carrying a machine gun ran into the living room. He fired off a few rounds. "They'r dumping that sound on. Thats never real." sneered Rick. "Rule Brittania!"
"The police are moving in!" said the reporter. "Brilliant. A tiny figure jumps over a gate in the distance. Rule Brittania!" Three members of the SAS burst into the room thunderously...and also went unnoticed. They surrounded the terrorist who threw a grenade at them. It missed and flew into a pan of lentils Neil had prepared earlier. The SAS grabbed him and held him up before a huge death ray...
"Isint that your car Vyvyan?" asked Neil gazing at the picture of the house on the screen.
"Nah. Mines a Ford Prefect with flames up the side."
"But THATS a Ford Prefect with flames up the side."
"Yeah but its not mine is it?"
FFFFAAAZZZZ!!!!!!!! Having done what they had come to do the SAS moved out. "We'r sorry not to bring the latest episode of Bastard Squad." said the reporter. "But at least they got the mad un with gun eh?" "Look." sighed Rick. "Is anybody WATCHING this???" He switched off the telly. Neil jumped to his feet. "Hey guys!" he cried. "Why dont we eat? That'd be intresting wouldnt it?" He ran over to the counter and grabbed the pan of lentils. "I wonder how many lentils I'v ever eaten in my life?" "Four!" "No it must be more than that Vyvyan! Lentils are really good y'know. No matter how many time you eat them they never get boring." BANG! The pan exploded disgorging lentils all over the wall. Mike Rick and Vyvyan stared at Neil in amazement. "Neil thats our tea!" cried Rick. "You' just blown up our tea!" "Well er I did'nt do it on purpose Rick." "And we payed for it! Fifteen pence! come on pay up! Fifteen pence!" "But I havent collected this weeks money yet." "Well thats hardly the point is it?" "But it was an accident Rick! I just looked at it and it blew up! But theres still some on the wall. Maybe we can save some..." He started to scrape gunk off the wall and into the pan. "We'r bored stupid and now we havent anything to eat." grunted Mike. "Ha ha." laughed Vyvyan. "Rick didnt have far to go did he?" "I just knew you were gonna say that!" snapped Rick. "Thats a complete lie you poof!" "I knew you were gonna say that too!" CRACK! Vyvyan broke a plate over Ricks head causing the latter to collapse. "Ya didnt know I was gonna do that though did'ja?????!!!!!!!!!!!" "It is time." announced Mike. "To go to the dicoteque."
* * *
It didnt take them long to get there. They just went down the street past the house that was being burgaled left past the old woman being kidnapped and walked into The Kebab and Calculator pub "Do any of you lot know Summer Holiday by Cliff Richards?" Rick asked the leader of the band as they walked in. "You want it" the man glared at Rick. "and I'll smash your face in." The four sat at a secluded table by the bar and waited for developements. "Well just as I expected." said Neil after a few seconds. "Totally boring." "Yes and the services terrible too." sniffed Rick. Looking over his shoulder Rick cried out "WAITER! WAITER!! You woman!" The woman at the bar flipped him a salute. "its ok guys." said Vyvyan getting up. "I stole some money from Ricks bedroom this morning. What d'you fancy Rick?" "Coffe please Vyvyan." "This is a pub. They dont do coffe." "Well in that case I dont particularly want anything. I dont think its particularly clever to drink. I want to stay in control." "Neil?" "Oh a packet of crisps Vyvyan but not meat flavor because I dont abuse my body and the world I live in." "Mike?" "I'll have a glass of water in a straight glass." Vyvyan went up to the woman at the bar. "Right." he told her. "I'll have a bag of roast ox crisps and a glass of urine." "Hello Vyvyan." said the woman. "Oh hello mum." "Didnt know you lived in London." "Yeah yeah...Hows Dad?" "Oh honestly Vyvyan I do wish you wouldnt ask me that! You know I have absolutely no idea who he was." "Well Vyvyan." smirked Rick. "Y'never told us your mother was a bar tender." "Well she was a shop lifter when I knew her." "She dosent look strong enough." observed Neil. The gang stared at the hippy. "To lift shops." Neil explained. Vyvyans mum brought all the stuff over and handed them over. "Well arent you going to introduce me to all your friends?" "Oh yeah. Thats a friend of mine called Mike..." he pointed to Mike. "...thats a friend of mine called Neil..." he indicated Neil. "...and thats a complete bastard I know called Rick." he concluded. Rick laughed pleasantly. "He's just joking Mrs Vyvyan. We'r actually terrific friends." he chuckled. Vyvyans mum shudderd. "Ooer. He IS a bastard is'nt he?" Neil opened his crisps. The bag burst open spraying its contents across the pub. Neil made no friends in the pub that day.
* * *
"Hey would you believe it." grunted Rick from behind the newspaper. "There are now more tin cans than there are people." "Mmm-mmm-mmm." Neil meditated. Vyvyan looked at them from his place in the living room. "Hey Rick." he said. "Do you want to see my new trick." "No I dont Vyvyan I have more important things to think about ACTUALLY." "Mike?" But Mike was too busy cutting bits out of the Sunday Sport. "Neil?" "Mmm-mmm-mmm." Vyvyan exploded. "Look watch my trick you bastards or I'll kill you!!" He cut off his finger... "Brilliant eh?!!" ...and then realized that... "Oh dear. Wrong finger." ...and left the room whimpering and clutching his empty finger socket. Neil found something on the floor. "Vyvyan! I think you'v cut off one of your fingers!" he called to no great reply.
* * *
"God." said Vyvyan when he returned with his finger sellotaped back on. "What a boring day." Neil walked in. "I went to the local paper shop but they didnt have a local paper!" "Well they obviously dont come from this area Neil!" Mike got up. "I'm going to treat this problem like my matress." he said. "And sleep on it." So the four went up to bed...not noticing the strange lights in the sky flying about in a saucer shape.
The next day they were all assembled around the breakfast table. Vyvyan was scrawling over the back of a cornflakes box.
"I'm going to win a Ford Prefect any minute now." he said. "Its really simple actually. All you have to do is write down in ten or less words what cornflakes mean to you." He read out what he had written. "Cornflakes cornflakes cornflakes cornflakes cornflakes cornflakes cornflakes cornflakes cornflakes." "Pathetic!" snapped Rick. "You'll never win Vyvyan." "Why not?" "Theres only nine words." "Oh yeah." Vyvyan added another cornflakes.
"Anyway you'll still never win because nothing intresting ever happens to us." sighed Rick. "Stop being so boring Rick." Rick looked up at Vyvyan. "Oh well thats nice isnt it?" he exclaimed. "Thats very NICE! Coming from someone as boring as you!" "Look could you like stop hustling each other I'm getting really bored with it alright." said Neil. "Oh dear me! Poor old Neils getting BORED! The most BORING person in the whole wide world is finally getting a taste of his own medicine!" "I think we'r overdoing the boredom motive in this conversation." said Mike. "I think its time to extend our vocabulary. Look I thought we'd decided..." "YES! You decided Michael!" yelled Vyvyan. "Guys!" cried Rick. "Look at us! Squabbling! Bickering! Like children! Whats happening to us? We never used to be like this!" "Yes we did." said Vyvyan. "Yeah he's right Rick we'v always been like this." "But thats just exactly my point. Nothing ever changes. Nothing ever happens to us." Pause. "Monopoly?" Rick sighed. "Yes."
* * *
Later Mike Vyvyan and Rick were stuck into monopoly. "Hey." said Rick. "Wouldnt it be AMAZING if all this money was real?" "That is the most predictable and boring thing that anyone could ever say whilst playing monopoly." "Well what about Vyvyan then? I could say Vyvyan couldnt I because its so boring." Vyvyan picked up a chance card. "You have just won first place in a beauty contest..." he read. "Ha ha ha!" crowed Rick. "...smash Rick over the head with the box." concluded Vyvyan. He proceeded to follow the instructions on the card. Literally. "It did not say that!" roared Rick. "Mike! Vyvyan is cheating!" Vyvyan handed Mike the card for him to peruse. "No he's right Rick thats exactly what it says." "In biro Mike! In biro over the top of the print!" "But we have to change the rules because monopoly's so BORING!" explained Vyvyan. Rick looked at another chance card... "Congratulations it is your birthday. You may set fire to Ricks bed." "Good one!" chuckled Vyvyan. ...and another one... "Get out of jail free. You may keep this card sell it or stick it up Ricks bottom." Rick threw the card on the floor. "Vyvyan you'v ruined the game!" he roared. "I was BORED!" "Well thats nothing." remarked Mike. "Neils so bored he's gone down to the bottom of the garden to kill himself. And its his go." Just then Neil wanderd in. "Oh so you'v decided to come in have you Neil?" asked Rick. "Well we'v finished playing monopoly now and you lost!"
"Oh." said Neil. "I'm amazed I lasted as long as I did." There was the sound of somebody knocking at the door. "Theres someone at the door Rick." said Mike. "Theres someone at the door Vyvyan." "Theres someone at the door Neil." "Theres someone at the door Mike." "I know." KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! "Theres someone at the door RICK!" "Theres someone at the door Vyvyan!" "Theres someone at the door Mike!" "Hey guys!" cried Neil. "I'v just had an incredible idea. Why dont we like decide which one of us is going to answer the door and then like send them to answer the door and then come back and tell whoever it is who wants to see them yeah?"
"Neil do us a favor. Die."
"So I suppose I shall just go and answer the door myself as usual." grumbled Neil.
He did.
A moment later he returned.
"I went to answer the door but there was no one there!"
"God how BORING!" sighed Rick.
* * *
Later Neil Mike and Vyvyan sat on the sofa watching the telly.
Rick looked on and grunted.
"Bloody hell." he said bittery. "Theres no room for me on the sofa as usual. I suppose I'll just have to sit on the rickety chair. Well not this time."
Rick lunged at the telly.
"Oh goody goody gum drops!" he exclaimed. "Just in time to watch Crikey Oh Blimey!"
He switched the channel over.
"Oh Rick!" cried Neil. "We were watching Bastard Squad!"
"Oh were you?" said Rick innocently. "Oh well get off the sofa and change it over if you like. I dont mind."
Neil began to follow Ricks advice and then thought. "Er no I'v hurt my back."
"Oh...Shame."
Vyvyan got off the sofa and went over to the telly.
In one fluid motion Rick captured his place on the sofa.
"Ha ha!" laughed Rick. "Fooled you! Thought you'd been really clever did'nt you but you fell right into my trap! Now you can sit in the rickety chair!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Oh yeah!"
Vyvyan pushed Rick of the sofa and onto the ground.
While he sat down again Rick picked himself up.
"I'll just sit here on the floor then." he said. "Not in your way or anything am I?"
"This is my favorite show." remarked Vyvyan. "It would be absoloutly typical if it was interrupted by news of a siege or something like that."
Just then the show was interrupted news of a nuclear siege.
"We interrupt this weeks episode of Bastard Squad to bring you live and up to date coverage of a siege going on in an unsanitory slum." said the reporter who's glasses looked like they fitted under his skin rather than over it.
"Oh great." grumbled Rick. "So now we get a shot of a street for the next half hour. Nothing ever happens in these things. Well if it does we dont get to see it." Unnoticed by the lads an Arab wearing a head dress and carrying a machine gun ran into the living room. He fired off a few rounds. "They'r dumping that sound on. Thats never real." sneered Rick. "Rule Brittania!"
"The police are moving in!" said the reporter. "Brilliant. A tiny figure jumps over a gate in the distance. Rule Brittania!" Three members of the SAS burst into the room thunderously...and also went unnoticed. They surrounded the terrorist who threw a grenade at them. It missed and flew into a pan of lentils Neil had prepared earlier. The SAS grabbed him and held him up before a huge death ray...
"Isint that your car Vyvyan?" asked Neil gazing at the picture of the house on the screen.
"Nah. Mines a Ford Prefect with flames up the side."
"But THATS a Ford Prefect with flames up the side."
"Yeah but its not mine is it?"
FFFFAAAZZZZ!!!!!!!! Having done what they had come to do the SAS moved out. "We'r sorry not to bring the latest episode of Bastard Squad." said the reporter. "But at least they got the mad un with gun eh?" "Look." sighed Rick. "Is anybody WATCHING this???" He switched off the telly. Neil jumped to his feet. "Hey guys!" he cried. "Why dont we eat? That'd be intresting wouldnt it?" He ran over to the counter and grabbed the pan of lentils. "I wonder how many lentils I'v ever eaten in my life?" "Four!" "No it must be more than that Vyvyan! Lentils are really good y'know. No matter how many time you eat them they never get boring." BANG! The pan exploded disgorging lentils all over the wall. Mike Rick and Vyvyan stared at Neil in amazement. "Neil thats our tea!" cried Rick. "You' just blown up our tea!" "Well er I did'nt do it on purpose Rick." "And we payed for it! Fifteen pence! come on pay up! Fifteen pence!" "But I havent collected this weeks money yet." "Well thats hardly the point is it?" "But it was an accident Rick! I just looked at it and it blew up! But theres still some on the wall. Maybe we can save some..." He started to scrape gunk off the wall and into the pan. "We'r bored stupid and now we havent anything to eat." grunted Mike. "Ha ha." laughed Vyvyan. "Rick didnt have far to go did he?" "I just knew you were gonna say that!" snapped Rick. "Thats a complete lie you poof!" "I knew you were gonna say that too!" CRACK! Vyvyan broke a plate over Ricks head causing the latter to collapse. "Ya didnt know I was gonna do that though did'ja?????!!!!!!!!!!!" "It is time." announced Mike. "To go to the dicoteque."
* * *
It didnt take them long to get there. They just went down the street past the house that was being burgaled left past the old woman being kidnapped and walked into The Kebab and Calculator pub "Do any of you lot know Summer Holiday by Cliff Richards?" Rick asked the leader of the band as they walked in. "You want it" the man glared at Rick. "and I'll smash your face in." The four sat at a secluded table by the bar and waited for developements. "Well just as I expected." said Neil after a few seconds. "Totally boring." "Yes and the services terrible too." sniffed Rick. Looking over his shoulder Rick cried out "WAITER! WAITER!! You woman!" The woman at the bar flipped him a salute. "its ok guys." said Vyvyan getting up. "I stole some money from Ricks bedroom this morning. What d'you fancy Rick?" "Coffe please Vyvyan." "This is a pub. They dont do coffe." "Well in that case I dont particularly want anything. I dont think its particularly clever to drink. I want to stay in control." "Neil?" "Oh a packet of crisps Vyvyan but not meat flavor because I dont abuse my body and the world I live in." "Mike?" "I'll have a glass of water in a straight glass." Vyvyan went up to the woman at the bar. "Right." he told her. "I'll have a bag of roast ox crisps and a glass of urine." "Hello Vyvyan." said the woman. "Oh hello mum." "Didnt know you lived in London." "Yeah yeah...Hows Dad?" "Oh honestly Vyvyan I do wish you wouldnt ask me that! You know I have absolutely no idea who he was." "Well Vyvyan." smirked Rick. "Y'never told us your mother was a bar tender." "Well she was a shop lifter when I knew her." "She dosent look strong enough." observed Neil. The gang stared at the hippy. "To lift shops." Neil explained. Vyvyans mum brought all the stuff over and handed them over. "Well arent you going to introduce me to all your friends?" "Oh yeah. Thats a friend of mine called Mike..." he pointed to Mike. "...thats a friend of mine called Neil..." he indicated Neil. "...and thats a complete bastard I know called Rick." he concluded. Rick laughed pleasantly. "He's just joking Mrs Vyvyan. We'r actually terrific friends." he chuckled. Vyvyans mum shudderd. "Ooer. He IS a bastard is'nt he?" Neil opened his crisps. The bag burst open spraying its contents across the pub. Neil made no friends in the pub that day.
* * *
"Hey would you believe it." grunted Rick from behind the newspaper. "There are now more tin cans than there are people." "Mmm-mmm-mmm." Neil meditated. Vyvyan looked at them from his place in the living room. "Hey Rick." he said. "Do you want to see my new trick." "No I dont Vyvyan I have more important things to think about ACTUALLY." "Mike?" But Mike was too busy cutting bits out of the Sunday Sport. "Neil?" "Mmm-mmm-mmm." Vyvyan exploded. "Look watch my trick you bastards or I'll kill you!!" He cut off his finger... "Brilliant eh?!!" ...and then realized that... "Oh dear. Wrong finger." ...and left the room whimpering and clutching his empty finger socket. Neil found something on the floor. "Vyvyan! I think you'v cut off one of your fingers!" he called to no great reply.
* * *
"God." said Vyvyan when he returned with his finger sellotaped back on. "What a boring day." Neil walked in. "I went to the local paper shop but they didnt have a local paper!" "Well they obviously dont come from this area Neil!" Mike got up. "I'm going to treat this problem like my matress." he said. "And sleep on it." So the four went up to bed...not noticing the strange lights in the sky flying about in a saucer shape.