The next day it was pouring with rain.
Rick had his face pressed up against the window.
"I'v just seen the most amazing thing in the garden!" he reported to Mike and Vyvyan.
"Neil hit himself in the face with a frying pan!"
"Rick you'v been staring out of the window all morning." said Mike.
"Well not suprising really. Vyvyan put super glue all over the pane."
Vyvyan looked up from his comic.
"Did I? That was a good joke!"
"Just dont break the window when you tear your face away from the window Rick."
"I wont because..." Rick looked around at them and grinned. "...its not true!! I was playing a joke on you and you fell for it like the fascists you are!" Then he sighed. "Oh god I'm bored!" Rick walked around looking desperately for something to do. "Mallow! Meringue! Boomerang! Long blue spotted and..." "Will you SHUT UP!" roared Vyvyan. "I'm trying to free the state." "I'm trying to read!" "Oh really? I learnt how to do that years ago!" sniggered Rick. "So what'r you reading Vyvyan? A bit Patakian verse? Little bit of French drama?" "Its called S.A.S batallion versus the Nazis." "Thats my bloody comic!" cried Rick snatching it. "Give it back." growled Vyvyan. "No Vyvyan its mine! I payed for it and I intend to read it!" snapped Rick. "Anyway theres no point in reading comics. They'r stupid. They treat the kids like...well you know like they'r kids. All they ever do is fight all the time. Why cant they ever show us stories about love and peace?" "Because its sissy you girly!" retorted Vyvyan. Rick chuckled wryly. "I'm not being girly Vyvyan. Longing for a peaceful world is not being girly." "It is! Its being soppy and very girly!" "I am not being very very...Look this entire conversation is completely sexist and I dont to continue it." Pause. "But Vyvyan for your information it is not girly for one man to love another. Its actually very beatiful." Vyvyan looked at him disdainfully. "Poof!" Rick gave him a look which spoke volumes. "You'r deliberatly trying to provoke me arent you?" "Yeah. I'm going to tell Mike and Neil that you said you love men. Hey Mike..." "I did NOT!! All I'm saying is that this comic is a reactionist military pamphlet. All they ever do is fight all the time!" "And whats so wrong about that?!! I suppose you think we should go around touching each others bottoms! Exciting new story! Bat-Man gooses the Jokers..." Neil enterd the room. He emptied a pan of water onto Mikes knee. Then he hit himself on the head with the pan. "Neil..." "You want to know why I keep hitting myself in the face with this frying pan dont you Mike?" "No. Neil wheres the shopping?" "Yeah! Wheres the vindaloo hippy?" Vyvyan demanded. "Oh come you guys its always my turn to go the shops." protested Neil. "Then why havent you gone?" Mike pointed out. "For the purpose I serve in this house I might as well be your mothers!" "Neil we dont hate our mothers." "Ok." said Mike. "We want yogurt more of that urin sample..." "You know what I want because it has a label with my name on it." said Rick. Vyvyan looked at him. "Is that all the stuff with 'Rick' written on it? "Yes it is." "Oh sod it Rick I thought it was mine and I'v eaten it! Every last drop!" Rick gritted his teeth and seethed. "We also want more green glob stuff..." "Yes and I'v spat on that Vyvyan so I wouldnt advise you eat it." sneered Rick. "Whats this stuff in a coke can?" "Oh thats my potion." said Vyvyan. "Thats my potion y'see where when the patient drinks it he turns into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac!" There was a pause as everyone tried to work this out. "The potential market is enormous!" "So why's it in a coke can?" inquired Neil. "Thats so that no one will accidently drink it." Vyvyan explained. "Y'know." chortled Neil. "I bet that at one point someone DOES drink that potion and turns into a homicidal maniac!" Rick laughed merrily. "Yes I bet that as well. Thats just the sorta crazy inmaginative thing that happens around here isint it?" So it was that Neil went out into the pouring rain for the shopping. "I wonder how hard it is." remarked Vyvyan. "I think its probably not so hard considering its only made out of water." snickerd Rick. Vyvyan snatched the comic ripped it in half and then handed it back to Rick. Neil returned. He opend his coat and put down several cats and dogs. "I'v never seen rain like this before." he remarked. "Neil wheres the shopping?" "Awwww no I knew I went out for SOMETHING!" "I'm starving you bastards." grumbled Vyvyan. "Yes so you keep saying HITLER!" exploded Rick. "I dont see whats stopping you from going to the shops yourself anyway." "Cos my studs'll rust! Thats why." "A little rain never hurt anyone!" snapped Rick. "Anyway you could take your stupid car!" Vyvyan glanced through the window. "I could if it was nailed down properly." he remarked. The boys looked through the window to see Vyvyans car being carried away by the currents. Rick was horrified. "Bloody hell!" he cried. "Look at the water out there! Now we'll never get to the shops!" Then he decided that it was in the best intrest of the commune that he took charge of the situation. "Look." he said rationally. "I suggest that we all just find some nice quiet adult pursuit to keep us going until the rain lets up."
* * *
Rosco Wilco of the SAS grabbed the phone from the receiver. "Chief!" he barked into the phone. "How many hours? DAMN! I'm gonna nail this sick mother even if the DA take my badge! Chief! Just give me another 200 hours!" He slammed the phone back down and reflected in awe. "God I wish I knew what all that meant!"
* * *
Rick cackled triumphantly as he found Mike in the cupboard. "Ha ha. Found ya Mike. Now you have help me find the others." "No I dont Rick." "Sorry?" "Well." Mike explained. "I'm the best person at playing games in the house so I get three chances." "Er I'm sorry Mike." said Rick sheepishly. "Thats ok man." Rick closed the cupboard and made for the hallway. Then he turned back and opend the door again. There was something he needed to say. "Great hiding place by the way Mike." "Thanks!"
* * *
Rick gave a ferocious glare to Vyvyan who was sitting at the foot of the stairs smoking. "Look I'v found you Vyvyan! Why wont ANYBODY play this game properly?" "Because you havent started counting yet." "Well I'm going to count to ten and then you'd better be hidden." Rick turned around... "One two three...eight nine ten. Coming ready or not!" Rick whirled around again. He looked around wildly for Vyvyan who was nowhere to be seen. "BASTARD!!!" * * * Meanwhile Vyvyan had hidden in the cupboard and was feeling his way to the back. He passed all the fur coats and touched something that felt like a tree. Vyvyan walked forward and discoverd a fir-tree coverd in snow. He was now in a snowbound wood and just ahead of him he saw an old-fashioned lamp-post. There was the sound of tinkling bells and a sleigh appeared ahead of him. The sleigh was driven by reindeers and ridden by a short man and a woman in white. The man noticed Vyvyan. "Look your majesty." he said pointing at him. "A young fawn." "Thats no fawn. Thats a man child. A son of Adam. His presence heralds danger." "Your majesty its the prophecy..." "Shh!" the woman turned to Vyvyan and hailed him. "Hello little boy! Come up onto the sleigh with me." Vyvyan obliged and clamberd up and perched next to her. "Have some Turkish Delight." the woman offerd Vyvyan a box. Suddenly she recoiled with a look of disgust on her face. "Ugh!" she sniffed. "Who's farted???" "Not me!" Vyvyan lied defending his honour such as it was. The man moved his face very close to Vyvyan's. "Thats revolting." he said unpleasantly. "Y'know people like you ought to be put in little boxes tied up with string and locked away in a dark room with no electricity." "Who sez?!!" snarled Vyvyan shoving his face into the mans. "For a month." the man ammended. Vyvyan was not pacified. "WHO SEZ?????!!!!!!!" "She did." "I did not! Thats a lie Shirley!" "Shirley? Thats your name is it? Shirley?" "Look would you like some Turkish Delight or not?" the woman snapped. "Not particularly." said Vyvyan. "Ya got any kebabs?" The woman replied in negative. Vyvyan jumped off the back of the sleigh anxiouse to be out of the company of people who behaved so strangely. "look." he said over his shoulder. "If you see a sociology student being chased by a lion dont tell him I'm hiding behind this tree ok?" "A lion?" the woman seemed alarmed. But Vyvyan was already heading towards a tree in the distance. "Stop son of Adam! I command you to wait! Stop him Shirley!" "But your majesty its the prophecy..." Leaving the strange denizens to bicker Vyvyan stepped behind the tree. As he did so however he felt the ground give way beneath and he felt himself falling down down down god knows where to. Then he landed on a slide. Vyvyan began to slide downwards into the darkness...
* * *
Rick was searching the cellar. "Oh what is the bloody point?" he mutterd as he turned to leave. He heard a soft thud behind him and then a familiar voice. "Behind you!" Rick whirled around to see Vyvyan sitting on the floor looking up at him and waving with a cheery grin on his face. Rick gave a roar of rage. "Vyvyan you bloody CHEAT!! I thought we said no hiding in the cellar!" "Then why were you looking in the cellar?" "Umm...I just thought I'd pop down to tell you that I'm not playing your childish game any more." "What d'you mean? It was your idea to play hide and seek!" "It was a joke! I was playing another joke on you! And ha ha ha because you fell for it!" Vyvyan smirked. "Jokes on you Rick. Cos while you were counting I snuck up to your room and set fire to your Sociology files." There was a slight pause while this sunk into Ricks head. Then a look of cold white-hot murder came into his eyes. Rick grabbed his biro from his pocket and embedded it into Vyvyans head. Rick crowed while Vyvyan was blinking dizzily. "Ha ha ha! Theres a joke for ya Vyvyan!" His humor subsided at once however as Vyvyan grabbed up...a large double-headed axe! "AAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHH!!!!!!!" Rick only made it to the door before Vyvyan caught up with him and swung the axe through the air. It missed Rick by a millimeter and impaled his coat to the door leaving him hanging in mid-air trapped against the door. Just before the final blow of fate the door swung open and Neil rushed in breathlessly. "Hey guys come quick! Ricks bedroom is on fire!" The hippy ran out followed by the punk. As they went the door swung shut and Ricks coat tore and he fell heavily to the stone floor. Hide and seek was a good game Rick figured but it certainly did nothing for your back.
* * *
Neil and Vyvyan arrived in Ricks room to find the bed had became a raging inferno. "I just got here" panted Neil. "and I thought "Oh no I'v just remembered I forgot to put out that fire I saw in here earlier"." "Dont worry." laughed Vyvyan as he surveyd his handiwork with pride. "I did it." "WHAT??? Why?" "To make it look like I was hiding here." Neil was indignant. "Well I think that was a really selfish thing to do Vyvyan! I was hiding there! You might have given me away!" Rick arrived on the scene and stared in dismay at the state of affairs. "BLOODY HELL!!! Do something!" Vyvyan ripped the window open. A mysterious flood of water burst in and coverd Rick and his bed effectively nullifying the problem. Vyvyan closed the window against the water outside the house. Rick sat on the charred corpse of his bed. There was a mackrel flapping about in his shirt. "Terrific Vyvyan." He sneered. "Just terrific. Just think! I wont have to put my bed in the toaster now!" Mike strolled in cheerily with a fag in his mouth. "Anyone got a light?" he inquired. Rick laughed bitterly. "Oh I'm sorry but I havent Mike. I mean I HAD one but I'v gone and put it out! Stupid old Rick! Slap slap slap!" "Why's there a fish in your shirt Rick?" "I hate sharks." remarked Neil. "Dont be stupid Neil. Thats not a shark." "No but that is." said Neil pointing out the window at something previously unnoticed. Everyone turned to see a shark swimming around outside the window. "That is without a doubt the most completely brilliant thing I'v ever seen!" said Vyvyan in wonder. "A flying shark!" "I dont think so." said Mike slowly and carefully. "Either those guys at the genetic engineering depot have been at it again or..." He paused for effect. As far as the others were concerned there was than enough of that. "...London has flooded." Mike concluded. Neil sighed morbidly. "Oh well we'r all going to be drowned or eaten by octopusses then." "WHAT?????!!!!!!" cried Rick. "Phone the police!" "But they'r facists." Neil pointed out. "Yes well never mind that now!"
* * *
"That is absolutely typical of you Vyvyan!" snarled Rick at Vyvyan who was nailing several cardboard boxes together in the living room. "The whole town has flooded and what do you do? Build a submarine!" Rick gave a snort of contempt. There was a few moments silence. Then Rick added nervously. "Er...Theres no room for me in there is there Vyvyan?" Vyvyan looked up at him. "Of course there isint any room for you Rick! I want to see you drown! Why should there be any room for you? STUPID!" "Wouldnt it be terrible if we ended up having to eat each other?" remarked Neil. "Like in that film...er..."We ended up having to eat each other"." Rick gave the hippy a withering look. "Well I suppose it would be would'nt it Neil? Except we dont happen to have any dead sailors lying around. Or maybe we have! Maybe I just havent noticed them! Maybe we should hire ourselves out as outcast provisions..." "Hey I was just saying..." "Well DONT!!" Mike had that slow and thoughtful look on his face again. "Y'know Neil just made a very valid point. Theres no reason to stand on ceremony. You understand me?" "Not at all." Vyvyan shook his head. "Theres just one question." continued Mike. "Who is going in the pot?" There was an awful pause. Then Ricks hand shot into the air. "ME!" Everyone stared at him moved by the sacrifice their brave fellow outcast was making so that they might live. "No HIM." Rick added jerking his thumb at Neil. "It was a joke."
* * *
"Just my luck to pick the shortest straw." grumbled Neil as he made his bed several minutes later. "Still I wonder if Napoleon had to put up with this kinda thing." The door whirled open and Mike Rick and Vyvyan dashed in. "Oh hi guys. Wanna play some records? I was just..." Neils effusive welcome was cut off as Mike and Rick grabbed him and pinned him down on the bed. "No time Neil we'r hungry." snapped Mike shortly. Vyvyan produced a chainsaw and spurred it into life. BZZZZZZ! The saw approached Neil who cried out in alarm. Rick cackled. "Oh look! Look! Neils scared! Scaredy cat scaredy cat sitting on the door mat! All the little doggy-wogs..." Rick trailed off under the bemused stares of his friends or otherwise. "...will come and have a bit of it." he finished weakly. "WAIT!" Mike intervened just as the saw neared Neils gut. They all looked at him. Neil was amazed. He had never thought that Mike cared. "Hold it sideways." concluded Mike. "Ya'll get a nice clean cut." BZZZZZZ! "Hey guys...Can I have an anastetic?" "I dont see why not." conceded Vyvyan. Pausing from his work Vyvyan removed a claw hammer from his pocket used it to render Neil comatose replaced it and then revved up the saw again. BZZZZZZ! CRACK! CRASH! CRACK! Someone up there must have looked kindly upon Neil for just as all seemed lost there was a sudden unexpected development. You see at the precise moment that the saw touched Neils gullet there was a tremendous commotion and the door began to crack and splinter in fragments. A man with the axe Vyvyan had wielded earlier was revealed behind the door. He had a familiar looking coke can in his hand. Everyone recognised him. "MR BILOSKI!!!" "He's turned into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac!" cried Rick. "I wonder what drove him to it?" "LITTLE PIGS! LITTLE PIGS!" roared Mr Biloski from the other side of the door. "LETS PLAY HOSPITALS! JERTSY WANTS TO FINGER YOUR ENTRAILS!!" "Oh my god!" cried Rick. "Theres no one in here mr Biloski! We'r all holograms!" The axe continued to mutilate the door. It wasnt going to hold for long... "Put Neils speaker up against the door!" suggested Rick. Neil was utterly mortified at the idea. "No man! Not the speaker! Michael Bowie once pissed on that!" the hippy wailed. "BOYS AND GIRLS COME OUT TO PLAY ON THE BUSY MOTORWAY!!!!!!!" roared the would be slayer of the four students. The door was down to its bare essentials. The comrades decided to cut their losses and hurled Neil at the door and into Biloski's hands. Meanwhile Vyvyan revved up the chain-saw and cut a hole in the wall. "Bite him Neil!" cried Rick. "I cant do that! I'm a vegetarian!" "Well keep him busy while we escape!" came the less-than helpful response. With that Mike Vyvyan and Rick raced for safety via the rooms recently added air-conditioning. Neil decided to act on Ricks suggestion. Biloski was left in enough agony to allow Neil to wriggle free and follow the others. CRASH!!! The door gave way and Biloski was able to enter. He looked around and saw the hole. * * * The boys raced up to Mikes room. A feral roar behind them revealed that Biloski had seen Neil as he disappeared up the stairs. The guys ducked behind the open door and waited. Rick screwed up a brave face. He tensed up behind the door ready to leap out at the psycho and make one last desperate attempt overpower Biloski and save the others lives. And that would have been the end of him. But he never had a chance to leap... * * * Biloski fell for it. He assumed that his prey had enterd Mikes room and dashed in. And the lions fell on him. * * * "Lucky Franco was here with his troup of man eating lions." Neil remarked as they all walked down to the living room. "Yeah." agreed Rick. "I'd like to shake his hand." Mike granted Ricks wish by handing him a mutilated hand. Not really knowing what to do with it Rick wiggled it about in the air for a few minutes before dropping it. They had reached the landing now. Neil gave an ejaculation as he looked out a window. "Oh wow! The house has suddenly grown!" The others joined him at the window. "He's wrong you know." said Rick. "The water-level is receeding and the river is subsiding!"
Rick had his face pressed up against the window.
"I'v just seen the most amazing thing in the garden!" he reported to Mike and Vyvyan.
"Neil hit himself in the face with a frying pan!"
"Rick you'v been staring out of the window all morning." said Mike.
"Well not suprising really. Vyvyan put super glue all over the pane."
Vyvyan looked up from his comic.
"Did I? That was a good joke!"
"Just dont break the window when you tear your face away from the window Rick."
"I wont because..." Rick looked around at them and grinned. "...its not true!! I was playing a joke on you and you fell for it like the fascists you are!" Then he sighed. "Oh god I'm bored!" Rick walked around looking desperately for something to do. "Mallow! Meringue! Boomerang! Long blue spotted and..." "Will you SHUT UP!" roared Vyvyan. "I'm trying to free the state." "I'm trying to read!" "Oh really? I learnt how to do that years ago!" sniggered Rick. "So what'r you reading Vyvyan? A bit Patakian verse? Little bit of French drama?" "Its called S.A.S batallion versus the Nazis." "Thats my bloody comic!" cried Rick snatching it. "Give it back." growled Vyvyan. "No Vyvyan its mine! I payed for it and I intend to read it!" snapped Rick. "Anyway theres no point in reading comics. They'r stupid. They treat the kids like...well you know like they'r kids. All they ever do is fight all the time. Why cant they ever show us stories about love and peace?" "Because its sissy you girly!" retorted Vyvyan. Rick chuckled wryly. "I'm not being girly Vyvyan. Longing for a peaceful world is not being girly." "It is! Its being soppy and very girly!" "I am not being very very...Look this entire conversation is completely sexist and I dont to continue it." Pause. "But Vyvyan for your information it is not girly for one man to love another. Its actually very beatiful." Vyvyan looked at him disdainfully. "Poof!" Rick gave him a look which spoke volumes. "You'r deliberatly trying to provoke me arent you?" "Yeah. I'm going to tell Mike and Neil that you said you love men. Hey Mike..." "I did NOT!! All I'm saying is that this comic is a reactionist military pamphlet. All they ever do is fight all the time!" "And whats so wrong about that?!! I suppose you think we should go around touching each others bottoms! Exciting new story! Bat-Man gooses the Jokers..." Neil enterd the room. He emptied a pan of water onto Mikes knee. Then he hit himself on the head with the pan. "Neil..." "You want to know why I keep hitting myself in the face with this frying pan dont you Mike?" "No. Neil wheres the shopping?" "Yeah! Wheres the vindaloo hippy?" Vyvyan demanded. "Oh come you guys its always my turn to go the shops." protested Neil. "Then why havent you gone?" Mike pointed out. "For the purpose I serve in this house I might as well be your mothers!" "Neil we dont hate our mothers." "Ok." said Mike. "We want yogurt more of that urin sample..." "You know what I want because it has a label with my name on it." said Rick. Vyvyan looked at him. "Is that all the stuff with 'Rick' written on it? "Yes it is." "Oh sod it Rick I thought it was mine and I'v eaten it! Every last drop!" Rick gritted his teeth and seethed. "We also want more green glob stuff..." "Yes and I'v spat on that Vyvyan so I wouldnt advise you eat it." sneered Rick. "Whats this stuff in a coke can?" "Oh thats my potion." said Vyvyan. "Thats my potion y'see where when the patient drinks it he turns into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac!" There was a pause as everyone tried to work this out. "The potential market is enormous!" "So why's it in a coke can?" inquired Neil. "Thats so that no one will accidently drink it." Vyvyan explained. "Y'know." chortled Neil. "I bet that at one point someone DOES drink that potion and turns into a homicidal maniac!" Rick laughed merrily. "Yes I bet that as well. Thats just the sorta crazy inmaginative thing that happens around here isint it?" So it was that Neil went out into the pouring rain for the shopping. "I wonder how hard it is." remarked Vyvyan. "I think its probably not so hard considering its only made out of water." snickerd Rick. Vyvyan snatched the comic ripped it in half and then handed it back to Rick. Neil returned. He opend his coat and put down several cats and dogs. "I'v never seen rain like this before." he remarked. "Neil wheres the shopping?" "Awwww no I knew I went out for SOMETHING!" "I'm starving you bastards." grumbled Vyvyan. "Yes so you keep saying HITLER!" exploded Rick. "I dont see whats stopping you from going to the shops yourself anyway." "Cos my studs'll rust! Thats why." "A little rain never hurt anyone!" snapped Rick. "Anyway you could take your stupid car!" Vyvyan glanced through the window. "I could if it was nailed down properly." he remarked. The boys looked through the window to see Vyvyans car being carried away by the currents. Rick was horrified. "Bloody hell!" he cried. "Look at the water out there! Now we'll never get to the shops!" Then he decided that it was in the best intrest of the commune that he took charge of the situation. "Look." he said rationally. "I suggest that we all just find some nice quiet adult pursuit to keep us going until the rain lets up."
* * *
Rosco Wilco of the SAS grabbed the phone from the receiver. "Chief!" he barked into the phone. "How many hours? DAMN! I'm gonna nail this sick mother even if the DA take my badge! Chief! Just give me another 200 hours!" He slammed the phone back down and reflected in awe. "God I wish I knew what all that meant!"
* * *
Rick cackled triumphantly as he found Mike in the cupboard. "Ha ha. Found ya Mike. Now you have help me find the others." "No I dont Rick." "Sorry?" "Well." Mike explained. "I'm the best person at playing games in the house so I get three chances." "Er I'm sorry Mike." said Rick sheepishly. "Thats ok man." Rick closed the cupboard and made for the hallway. Then he turned back and opend the door again. There was something he needed to say. "Great hiding place by the way Mike." "Thanks!"
* * *
Rick gave a ferocious glare to Vyvyan who was sitting at the foot of the stairs smoking. "Look I'v found you Vyvyan! Why wont ANYBODY play this game properly?" "Because you havent started counting yet." "Well I'm going to count to ten and then you'd better be hidden." Rick turned around... "One two three...eight nine ten. Coming ready or not!" Rick whirled around again. He looked around wildly for Vyvyan who was nowhere to be seen. "BASTARD!!!" * * * Meanwhile Vyvyan had hidden in the cupboard and was feeling his way to the back. He passed all the fur coats and touched something that felt like a tree. Vyvyan walked forward and discoverd a fir-tree coverd in snow. He was now in a snowbound wood and just ahead of him he saw an old-fashioned lamp-post. There was the sound of tinkling bells and a sleigh appeared ahead of him. The sleigh was driven by reindeers and ridden by a short man and a woman in white. The man noticed Vyvyan. "Look your majesty." he said pointing at him. "A young fawn." "Thats no fawn. Thats a man child. A son of Adam. His presence heralds danger." "Your majesty its the prophecy..." "Shh!" the woman turned to Vyvyan and hailed him. "Hello little boy! Come up onto the sleigh with me." Vyvyan obliged and clamberd up and perched next to her. "Have some Turkish Delight." the woman offerd Vyvyan a box. Suddenly she recoiled with a look of disgust on her face. "Ugh!" she sniffed. "Who's farted???" "Not me!" Vyvyan lied defending his honour such as it was. The man moved his face very close to Vyvyan's. "Thats revolting." he said unpleasantly. "Y'know people like you ought to be put in little boxes tied up with string and locked away in a dark room with no electricity." "Who sez?!!" snarled Vyvyan shoving his face into the mans. "For a month." the man ammended. Vyvyan was not pacified. "WHO SEZ?????!!!!!!!" "She did." "I did not! Thats a lie Shirley!" "Shirley? Thats your name is it? Shirley?" "Look would you like some Turkish Delight or not?" the woman snapped. "Not particularly." said Vyvyan. "Ya got any kebabs?" The woman replied in negative. Vyvyan jumped off the back of the sleigh anxiouse to be out of the company of people who behaved so strangely. "look." he said over his shoulder. "If you see a sociology student being chased by a lion dont tell him I'm hiding behind this tree ok?" "A lion?" the woman seemed alarmed. But Vyvyan was already heading towards a tree in the distance. "Stop son of Adam! I command you to wait! Stop him Shirley!" "But your majesty its the prophecy..." Leaving the strange denizens to bicker Vyvyan stepped behind the tree. As he did so however he felt the ground give way beneath and he felt himself falling down down down god knows where to. Then he landed on a slide. Vyvyan began to slide downwards into the darkness...
* * *
Rick was searching the cellar. "Oh what is the bloody point?" he mutterd as he turned to leave. He heard a soft thud behind him and then a familiar voice. "Behind you!" Rick whirled around to see Vyvyan sitting on the floor looking up at him and waving with a cheery grin on his face. Rick gave a roar of rage. "Vyvyan you bloody CHEAT!! I thought we said no hiding in the cellar!" "Then why were you looking in the cellar?" "Umm...I just thought I'd pop down to tell you that I'm not playing your childish game any more." "What d'you mean? It was your idea to play hide and seek!" "It was a joke! I was playing another joke on you! And ha ha ha because you fell for it!" Vyvyan smirked. "Jokes on you Rick. Cos while you were counting I snuck up to your room and set fire to your Sociology files." There was a slight pause while this sunk into Ricks head. Then a look of cold white-hot murder came into his eyes. Rick grabbed his biro from his pocket and embedded it into Vyvyans head. Rick crowed while Vyvyan was blinking dizzily. "Ha ha ha! Theres a joke for ya Vyvyan!" His humor subsided at once however as Vyvyan grabbed up...a large double-headed axe! "AAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHH!!!!!!!" Rick only made it to the door before Vyvyan caught up with him and swung the axe through the air. It missed Rick by a millimeter and impaled his coat to the door leaving him hanging in mid-air trapped against the door. Just before the final blow of fate the door swung open and Neil rushed in breathlessly. "Hey guys come quick! Ricks bedroom is on fire!" The hippy ran out followed by the punk. As they went the door swung shut and Ricks coat tore and he fell heavily to the stone floor. Hide and seek was a good game Rick figured but it certainly did nothing for your back.
* * *
Neil and Vyvyan arrived in Ricks room to find the bed had became a raging inferno. "I just got here" panted Neil. "and I thought "Oh no I'v just remembered I forgot to put out that fire I saw in here earlier"." "Dont worry." laughed Vyvyan as he surveyd his handiwork with pride. "I did it." "WHAT??? Why?" "To make it look like I was hiding here." Neil was indignant. "Well I think that was a really selfish thing to do Vyvyan! I was hiding there! You might have given me away!" Rick arrived on the scene and stared in dismay at the state of affairs. "BLOODY HELL!!! Do something!" Vyvyan ripped the window open. A mysterious flood of water burst in and coverd Rick and his bed effectively nullifying the problem. Vyvyan closed the window against the water outside the house. Rick sat on the charred corpse of his bed. There was a mackrel flapping about in his shirt. "Terrific Vyvyan." He sneered. "Just terrific. Just think! I wont have to put my bed in the toaster now!" Mike strolled in cheerily with a fag in his mouth. "Anyone got a light?" he inquired. Rick laughed bitterly. "Oh I'm sorry but I havent Mike. I mean I HAD one but I'v gone and put it out! Stupid old Rick! Slap slap slap!" "Why's there a fish in your shirt Rick?" "I hate sharks." remarked Neil. "Dont be stupid Neil. Thats not a shark." "No but that is." said Neil pointing out the window at something previously unnoticed. Everyone turned to see a shark swimming around outside the window. "That is without a doubt the most completely brilliant thing I'v ever seen!" said Vyvyan in wonder. "A flying shark!" "I dont think so." said Mike slowly and carefully. "Either those guys at the genetic engineering depot have been at it again or..." He paused for effect. As far as the others were concerned there was than enough of that. "...London has flooded." Mike concluded. Neil sighed morbidly. "Oh well we'r all going to be drowned or eaten by octopusses then." "WHAT?????!!!!!!" cried Rick. "Phone the police!" "But they'r facists." Neil pointed out. "Yes well never mind that now!"
* * *
"That is absolutely typical of you Vyvyan!" snarled Rick at Vyvyan who was nailing several cardboard boxes together in the living room. "The whole town has flooded and what do you do? Build a submarine!" Rick gave a snort of contempt. There was a few moments silence. Then Rick added nervously. "Er...Theres no room for me in there is there Vyvyan?" Vyvyan looked up at him. "Of course there isint any room for you Rick! I want to see you drown! Why should there be any room for you? STUPID!" "Wouldnt it be terrible if we ended up having to eat each other?" remarked Neil. "Like in that film...er..."We ended up having to eat each other"." Rick gave the hippy a withering look. "Well I suppose it would be would'nt it Neil? Except we dont happen to have any dead sailors lying around. Or maybe we have! Maybe I just havent noticed them! Maybe we should hire ourselves out as outcast provisions..." "Hey I was just saying..." "Well DONT!!" Mike had that slow and thoughtful look on his face again. "Y'know Neil just made a very valid point. Theres no reason to stand on ceremony. You understand me?" "Not at all." Vyvyan shook his head. "Theres just one question." continued Mike. "Who is going in the pot?" There was an awful pause. Then Ricks hand shot into the air. "ME!" Everyone stared at him moved by the sacrifice their brave fellow outcast was making so that they might live. "No HIM." Rick added jerking his thumb at Neil. "It was a joke."
* * *
"Just my luck to pick the shortest straw." grumbled Neil as he made his bed several minutes later. "Still I wonder if Napoleon had to put up with this kinda thing." The door whirled open and Mike Rick and Vyvyan dashed in. "Oh hi guys. Wanna play some records? I was just..." Neils effusive welcome was cut off as Mike and Rick grabbed him and pinned him down on the bed. "No time Neil we'r hungry." snapped Mike shortly. Vyvyan produced a chainsaw and spurred it into life. BZZZZZZ! The saw approached Neil who cried out in alarm. Rick cackled. "Oh look! Look! Neils scared! Scaredy cat scaredy cat sitting on the door mat! All the little doggy-wogs..." Rick trailed off under the bemused stares of his friends or otherwise. "...will come and have a bit of it." he finished weakly. "WAIT!" Mike intervened just as the saw neared Neils gut. They all looked at him. Neil was amazed. He had never thought that Mike cared. "Hold it sideways." concluded Mike. "Ya'll get a nice clean cut." BZZZZZZ! "Hey guys...Can I have an anastetic?" "I dont see why not." conceded Vyvyan. Pausing from his work Vyvyan removed a claw hammer from his pocket used it to render Neil comatose replaced it and then revved up the saw again. BZZZZZZ! CRACK! CRASH! CRACK! Someone up there must have looked kindly upon Neil for just as all seemed lost there was a sudden unexpected development. You see at the precise moment that the saw touched Neils gullet there was a tremendous commotion and the door began to crack and splinter in fragments. A man with the axe Vyvyan had wielded earlier was revealed behind the door. He had a familiar looking coke can in his hand. Everyone recognised him. "MR BILOSKI!!!" "He's turned into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac!" cried Rick. "I wonder what drove him to it?" "LITTLE PIGS! LITTLE PIGS!" roared Mr Biloski from the other side of the door. "LETS PLAY HOSPITALS! JERTSY WANTS TO FINGER YOUR ENTRAILS!!" "Oh my god!" cried Rick. "Theres no one in here mr Biloski! We'r all holograms!" The axe continued to mutilate the door. It wasnt going to hold for long... "Put Neils speaker up against the door!" suggested Rick. Neil was utterly mortified at the idea. "No man! Not the speaker! Michael Bowie once pissed on that!" the hippy wailed. "BOYS AND GIRLS COME OUT TO PLAY ON THE BUSY MOTORWAY!!!!!!!" roared the would be slayer of the four students. The door was down to its bare essentials. The comrades decided to cut their losses and hurled Neil at the door and into Biloski's hands. Meanwhile Vyvyan revved up the chain-saw and cut a hole in the wall. "Bite him Neil!" cried Rick. "I cant do that! I'm a vegetarian!" "Well keep him busy while we escape!" came the less-than helpful response. With that Mike Vyvyan and Rick raced for safety via the rooms recently added air-conditioning. Neil decided to act on Ricks suggestion. Biloski was left in enough agony to allow Neil to wriggle free and follow the others. CRASH!!! The door gave way and Biloski was able to enter. He looked around and saw the hole. * * * The boys raced up to Mikes room. A feral roar behind them revealed that Biloski had seen Neil as he disappeared up the stairs. The guys ducked behind the open door and waited. Rick screwed up a brave face. He tensed up behind the door ready to leap out at the psycho and make one last desperate attempt overpower Biloski and save the others lives. And that would have been the end of him. But he never had a chance to leap... * * * Biloski fell for it. He assumed that his prey had enterd Mikes room and dashed in. And the lions fell on him. * * * "Lucky Franco was here with his troup of man eating lions." Neil remarked as they all walked down to the living room. "Yeah." agreed Rick. "I'd like to shake his hand." Mike granted Ricks wish by handing him a mutilated hand. Not really knowing what to do with it Rick wiggled it about in the air for a few minutes before dropping it. They had reached the landing now. Neil gave an ejaculation as he looked out a window. "Oh wow! The house has suddenly grown!" The others joined him at the window. "He's wrong you know." said Rick. "The water-level is receeding and the river is subsiding!"