The Tamer Rebellion, a digimon fanfic

The Tamer Rebellion

Lia and Nicki were sitting in Lia's office, doing "important business." Well, Lia was watching more Fushigi Yuugi and Nicki was working on an art portfolio for school. Both had aluminum cans in their hands, Nestea for Lia and Coke for Nicki.

"Maybe you should do a picture of Tamahome beating the fluff out of some guy for art," Lia suggested.

"I can't. This is supposed to be a still life. I'm trying to sketch your water cooler."

Just then the door swung open, and Willis walked in carrying a mountain of flowers, boxes of chocolate, and valentines.

"Whoa, where the hell did all of that come from?" Nicki asked, her eyes widening at the blonde's stash. Willis grinned.

"People love me."

"We don't care about that, where did you get all that?"

"I dunno, somebody sent it to my dressing room."

Nicki sat up from leaning over her piece of art paper. "You don't have a dressing room, Willis. You have a cardboard box in the janitor's closet."

"I have a dressing room now! The producers gave me Matt's dressing room because he's not using it anymore!"

Lia fell over backwards in her computer chair, decking her arm on the hard drive. "WHAT?! What do you mean 'he's not using it anymore?' What you talking bout, Willis?"

"I went in and all the dressing rooms were deserted and the producers said I could have any one I wanted, so I took Matt's because it's the biggest. Besides, it has that really squishy couch that you two use when you're playing Tonsil Hockey."

Lia and Nicki exchanged glances and took off down the hall.

~*~

In a studio in California all covered in vines stood twelve dressing rooms in two straight lines. Lia dipped her hands into her pockets and fished out a keychain.

"Let's see…house key, office key, key to the Digimon set, key to the executive spa, aha! Matt's dressing room key!"

"Hold the phone, when did you get BakaYama's dressing room key?" Nicki asked as Lia fitted it into the lock.

"When Matt was assigned his dressing room. Now let's see if Willis is…right?!"

The dressing room was pretty empty. I'd say completely empty, but there's still the "squishy couch," the vanity mirror, and a box of Willis's stuff.

"Oh my freaking God. Where the hell is all of Matt's stuff? Where's his bass? And Horn Dog's futon? WHERE IS PLUSHY LIA?!?!"

"He has a plushy of you? Damn, why doesn't Izzy have a plushy of me?"

"Maybe it's because you're going out with that Joe guy," Shadowmon said, popping onto the vanity dresser. Aside from her usual Felicity Shadwell getup, she had a blue bandanna tied around her fuzzy little neck.

"What's with the bandanna?" Lia asked, ignoring the satanic look Nicki was giving her partner.

"Dunno. BakaYama put it on me. Does it make me look fat?"

Lia sighed and untied the bandanna, a small chip the size of a postage stamp falling onto the dresser. A silicon chip, not a potato chip.

"What's this?" Nicki asked, picking it up. "Hmm, looks like something that could fit into the new drive port Izz installed in his laptop. I swiped it from him two weeks ago, I'll go get it."

"And he hasn't noticed she's had it that long?" Shad whispered.

~*~

The girls headed back to Lia's office, laptop in one hand and computer chip in the other. They set the computer down next to Lia's PC and stuck the little chip in a port on the side.

"Okay, let's see what the hell this is. How much will you bet it's BakaYama's secret stash of porno?"

"NICKI!" Lia growled, fire dancing in her eyes.

"Lia, if you and the other fanfiction.net cast members receive this, then the inevitable has happened. The executives have cleared out our dressing rooms and sent each of us to the Vault, where useless characters of past seasons are stored. Listen, get out of here while you can. They'll be coming soon, and they won't stop until all traces of the past seasons are gone. It doesn't matter about us, just get the hell out of the studio before the producers bring in the Ta…"

"The what?! The what?! What are the producers bringing?" Lia cried, shaking the computer.

"End of message" was displayed on the screen.

"DAMN!"

Willis sat on the couch, examining a checkerboard. He scrutinized the little black pieces that were his, and the red ones of Terriermon. Lopmon sat on the couch next to Willis, balancing an unused checker on his nose.

"It's the Tamers. The Tamers are coming."

"Huh? Who told you that?" Nicki asked.

"Reo," he said, matter-of-factly.

"Where is ol' Infamous, anyways?" Terriermon questioned.

"I think he was harassing Action Man last I saw him. Either that or stealing cantaloupes from Chris McFeely."

Lia went into her desk and pulled out a pot of black football eye paint stuff, smearing it under her eyes. "We're going down to the Vault tonight for a jailbreak. We'll be giving those Tamers a welcome to America they'll never forget."

"Yay! Jailbreaks are fun!" Shadowmon cried.

~*~

At around one AM, EDT (Eastern Daylight Time), two teens, a preteen, and four digimon dressed in black catsuits snuck down to the sub-sub-subbasement of FOX Kids Studios, ready to spring the other Digidestined from a hell up until now only former Power Rangers had experienced. On the other side of this Vault was another one for half-season wonders, like Dungeons and Dragons and Dinozaurs.

The guards were distracted by reruns of I Love Lucy so getting down to the Vault was no problem. Unfortunately, the thing was one of those killer bank faults covered in locks and combination wheels.

"Shad, go into your tool belt and hand me the universal lock pick," Nicki commanded.

"Um, I left that at home."

"What?! Why did you do that?"

"To make room for the cupcake!" the kitten digimon cried, pulling out a slightly squashed chocolate cupcake.

"Next thing you'll tell me is that you left the (air quotes) laser pens behind to make room for the tuna."

"Aw, you ruined it for me!"

Demidevimon stuck a claw into a keyhole and jiggled it around a little until the whole mechanism melted off the door.

"How did you do that?" Lia asked incredulously.

"Digimon of the author's privileges."

Terriermon zapped the door with a bunny blast, melting a huge hole in the door.

"After you, milady," Willis said, stepping aside for their fearless leader. Lia smirked and stepped inside, shrieking like a girl (or Mimi).

"What?! What?!" Nicki shouted.

"A rat! There's a big, huge, ugly, hairy…oh, it's just Gomamon."

"That was not funny!" Gomamon hissed, clanking the little ball and chain shackled to his flipper/arm/paw/whatever. "The others are this way."

"What are you doing out here?" Lopmon asked.

"I'm supposed to be washing the floors with a toothbrush. Do they not see I don't have hands? Anyway, everyone's being kept in separate cells…except us digimon. We're all together."

The cells were another set of bank vault doors with just a dinky little slot for a cafeteria tray of bread and water to slide through. Nameplates on the wall indicated which prisoner was which.

"Original Power Rangers, Power Rangers Zeo, Power Rangers Turbo, Power Rangers in Space, Power Rangers Lost Galaxy, Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue…wow, that's a lot of Power Rangers!" Willis commented.

"None of us have seen sunlight in a while, and everyone's starting to go bonkers," Gomamon explained. "Cody's tried committing suicide with his bread crusts three times already."

"Voices. The voices," someone in their cell murmured.

"We can hear voices."

"Outsiders?"

"Outsiders who have seen the sun?"

"Ooookay," Shadowmon said, sticking close to Nicki. "They're scaring me."

Gomamon grinned evilly. "Yama cracked on day one because they took his harmonica away from him. He's turned into a babbling idiot."

Lia gave him one of her rare "makes Aimee the Antichrist's Antichrist look like Jesus" looks.

Care to repeat that? Because if you do I will beat you bloody.

Gomamon gulped and shook his head. "No," he squeaked.

"Shad, go through the wall and check on Koushi for me," Nicki commanded. The kitten looked up from mid-make out with Gomer and nodded, popping through the vault and coming back out.

"He's gone! And I asked Austin; he says Kou and BakaYama have been moved to Maximum Security cuz they're your boyfriends! Humph, none of this ever happened on Seventh Heaven."

Lia frowned. "Demi, digivolve and help the others. I'm heading down to Maximum Security to spring my bishy."

"Sure thing, whatever, uh-huh."

~*~

Lia peered around the corner and grimaced. Maximum Security just had to have guards on 24-hour duty, with attack Random Digimon no less.

What, did you really think someone from FOX would have a guard p***mon?

"Fabulous. How the hell am I supposed to get in there?"

She rested her hands on her hips, realizing that she had stolen what little useful gadgets Biyomon's utility belt contained.

"Huh, I could do this a la Batpig or…"

She snapped her fingers and found herself standing in front of another large vault door, with a plaque beside it reading "Ishida, Matthew and Izumi, Izzy."

"Matthew?! Where the f*** do they get that one?" a voice asked as Boss Reo magically appeared.

"You're not supposed to be here! I'm the only one with Author Privileges in this story!" Lia snapped.

"What can I say? I have the Lemon Scythe, I can do damn well as I please. Now where's my Willis?"

"Elsewhere. Are you here to bother me or to help me because I'm pressed for time and the Tamers are on their way here as we speak."

"Oh, um, those f***ing Tamers are already here and unpacking."

"WHAT?! When did they get here?"

"While you were running around being Secret Agent Girl, Mamma Lia. Yeah, they've staked claims in the dressing rooms and there's some a** up there who says he knows you and took Izzy's dressing room."

"I'll worry about that later. Stand aside, and watch me work my magic."

Lia pulled a couple sticks of dynamite out of her belt; duct taped them to the vault doors, lit a match on the heel of her boot, and ducked behind a corner as the wall blew up.

"B****! You couldn't have just f***ing teleported in there?!" Reo hollered. "You're going to get all of us f***ing caught!"

"If I teleported in, then where would the fun be?"

Reo stood aside, sighing heavily as Lia stepped into the room, which was smoking due to the dynamite. Izzy and Matt, still 2027, looked up from the card game they had started.

"Thank me later, boys. Let's get the hell out of here!" she cried, snapping her fingers so the two bishounen went back to being fifteen (and fourteen).

"Lia, those dumb a** guards are on their way! Are we going or…"

Reo stopped mid-sentence, blinking at the author and her boyfriend.

"Ahem, that will do, you two," Izzy commented.

~*~

Just our luck, halfway through the page break Matt and Lia get separated from Izzy and Reo and end up in the merchandising wing of FOX Kids.

"Hey, Digimon merchandising, shall we take a look?" Matt suggested.

Lia shrugged. "Yeah, why not?"

The shelves in the large warehouse-type room were lined with poorly colored 01 images of the original cast, pathetic plastic attempts at action figures, and talking characters that have the wrong lines.

"Lia! Take a look at this!"

"What is it?"

Matt pointed to a bookshelf in the corner. "Looks like young adult Digimon manga. Hmm, Joe's Battle, that's right around the time we met, isn't it?"

Lia nodded and started thumbing through the book. Suddenly she dropped it, twitching.

"What?! What?!"

She opened it again, holding it wide so Matt could see the two-page spread.

"I don't know what sicko designed this, but I can tell you right now we did not meet in the Digital World's version of Moulin Rouge, and I was NOT a pole dancer!"

Matt blinked several times. "Wow. You think you could wear one of those for our next date?"

Lia cracked him over the head with the book. "Keep your perverted thoughts to yourself and let's go! Those Tamer kids are taking over the studio and Willis stole your dressing room!"

"Then let's move! Um…can I take that with me?"

NO!

"All right, all right."

~*~

Tai was tapping his sneakered foot on the puke-green tiled floor outside the Digimon set, waiting for Matt and Lia, who sheepishly appeared momentarily.

"It's about f***ing time!" Reo snapped.

"We got lost, all right? This place is huge!"

"Not to mention we found a stack of pervy manga in merchandising."

The guys' eyes lit up at Matt's comment, causing the girls to crack them over the heads with a host of objects ranging from a spatula to a curling iron to a kayak paddle.

"So where are these Tamers anyway?" Palmon asked, her voice sounding normal and not messed up like it did in episode fifty.

"Speaking of which!" Gomamon interrupted. "Did anybody else see that after Alan Smith and Seth Walther took over for Nimoy and Buchholz, they were like officially canned and everything? My own voice actor, R. Martin Klein, who also does Flint, took over Tentomon's voice acting!"

"Does that have any relevance to the story at all whatsoever?" Joe questioned.

"No, I just thought it was useless trivia the masses needed to know."

Just then the set doors parted, and standing there were three figures. The old reliable fog machines spewed a blanket of mist on the ground.

"The Tamers," the two original casts gasped in unison.

"The losers from the old season," they retorted.

There was Takato, another Tai wannabe with slightly frizzy brown hair and yes, a blue shirt and a pair of goggles. Next to him was Ruki, a redheaded girl who resembled a cross between Sora and (dare I speak this name) Misty. And after that was Lee, a blue-haired Willis if I ever saw one.

"What do all of you want? Your shows are over, they're being run in syndication on FOX Family now," Ruki hissed.

"We're not going quietly. This was our network long before you were even penned onto a piece of paper, you poor excuse for a Digidestined," Sora snapped back, showing more personality than she usually does.

"We aren't Digidestined, we're Tamers. And our digimon are a hell of a lot better than yours. Right, Gillmon?" Takato asked. A red dinosaur that looks like Agumon after a dose of steroids and a plastic surgeon darted out of the set.

"You said it, Takato!"

"And Renamon!"

"And Terriermon!"

A yellow fox-like digimon and the spitting image of Willis's bunny joined the party.

"Ah, but you're outnumbered, thirty-two to six. Don't you think resistance is futile?" Ken countered.

"Um, thirty-one. Willis disappeared," Lopmon stated.

"What?! Where?" Reo gasped.

Halfway down the hall, Willis was being dragged to Izzy's old dressing room by a boy known simply as Nall.

"Hot fudge sundae, Willis?"

"Sounds good to me! Do I get the cherry?"

Back with the others, it was clear sparks were flying between Sora and Ruki…bad sparks, that is. Not good sparks, bad sparks. The ten-year-old Tamer eyed Matt and started blushing.

"Whoa, he's one secksay piece of work," she said with a whistle.

"Back off, baby. He's mine!" Sora countered.

"Wait just a f***ing minute! You only get him when I'm writing Sorato fics, which this ain't! Ishida Yamato is one hundred percent mine in this story, understood?" Lia scowled, going from cute to satanic in .7 seconds.

As for Takato and Lee, they were starting to follow Nicki around.

"Get the hell away from me, you're ten and I'm fourteen!"

Izzy was following after the three of them. "Nicki! We need to talk! Get back here! How the hell can you date that…that…JOE!"

Joe looked up. "Somebody say my name?"

Mimi glared at the sophomore. "You're dating her? You're double-crossing me?"

"I never said…she's…I…DIFFERENT JOE!"

And Tai and Davis were already plotting evil ways of disposing of Takato.

"There can only be one goggled leader around here, and that's me," Tai grinned viciously.

"Whoa, dude, I'm the goggled leader around here. You're just the has-been," Davis remarked.

"Has-been?! Has-been?! I'll has-been you!"

"How much you wanna bet Davish getsh the crap kicked outta him?" Veemon asked.

"Um…thirteen and a quarter," Wormmon replied.

And as for the two Terriermon, well, they were getting confused.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Terriermon."

"But I'm Terriermon!"

You get the picture. Poor little Lopmon couldn't tell which one was his brother and which one was Lee's, and Lee could care less because he had his mind set on glomping Nicki.

Ken put a hand to his forehead. "Cody, have you gotten thoroughly perplexed yet?"

The short kid with Mimi's voice actor nodded. "I was there two and a half pages ago. Maybe we should just skip the fanfic and go get a taco or something."

Just then Davis came sliding across the floor, sans goggles, little stars circling his head. Ken waved a hand in front of his face.

"Davis! Davis, how many fingers am I holding up?"

"Um…Thursday?"

"He shounds okay to me, Ken," Veemon stated as he went back to watching Whose Line is it Anyways?

~*~

In the midst of all the chaos, nobody seemed to notice Yolei latching a scrawny little arm around Matt and dragging him down the hallway. Of course Matt noticed and was struggling and screaming for help, but nobody could really hear him over the animosity. The purple-haired b**** hauled him to a janitor's closet and went into her pocket for a key. Turning it in the lock and pushing the door open, the room was revealed to be not a janitor's closet but an inner sanctum with lava lamps. A lot of lava lamps. A whole lot of lava lamps…a mini-bar with a Stop & Shop's worth of ice cream condiments…and a circular, rotating bed with purple velvet leopard print sheets. Yolei grinned at him viciously.

"Inoue Miyako always gets her bishounen."

A/N: Okay, okay, I'm mean to Yolei. I hate her with an intense passion, as do a lot of my friends. I don't know too many people who actually like Yolei.

That's for sure, she's evil incarnate!

~*~

Tai sat back on a lawn chair smugly, the coveted goggles that were rightfully his firmly back on his head. He watched in amusement as Agumon tore after Gillmon, making death threats and taking shots with the ol' Pepper Breath. Gabumon had this incredibly annoyed look on his face as Renamon stared downwards at him.

"Horn Dog! What's your beef?" Gomamon asked from the corner, where he and his Trio were watching Invader ZIM.

"I was taught hitting girls was just plain wrong."

"He's got a point, you know," Palmon said.

"Then I'll handle it! Lightning Claw!" Gatomon cried, socking Renamon to the snout.

"Heheh, I've got chocolate bubblegum!" Shadowmon hollered triumphantly.

Meanwhile, over in the corner, Ken was basically ignoring the fight. He found himself a Discman and slipped on a pair of headphones. Armadillomon, having nothing better to do because nobody really cares what happens to Armadillomon, waddled over to our favorite 02 genius.

"Howdy Ken, whaddya listening to?"

"Matt let me borrow a copy of West Side Story. It's really quite fascinating."

And then he started humming along to Maria's song I Feel Pretty.

"That there is one messed up varmint if I ever saw one."

"But he's my messed up varmint!" Davis said, still a little loopy from being beaten up by Tai.

~*~

Reo had basically stood around and intimidated the 03 sprites for a while, but soon grew bored of that and went off in search of Willis.

"Where the f*** could that little b**** be?" he muttered, swinging the ol' Lemon Scythe back and forth.

A/N: It's kind of an agreement Reo and I made for him to be a regular in the fanfics. Hey, whatever keeps that scythe away from my throat is just ducky.

There came a blast of music from the hallway where the dressing rooms were located, and to the author's surprise, the source was Izzy's former room. Using his own brand of author persuasions, the Infamous One magically opened the door without ever turning the handle, only to find the remains of an ice cream sundae ground into the carpet as Willis snuggled with the Nall kid, also known as the infamous Sherman.

"What the f*** do you think you're doing, Willis?"

The little blonde Colorado native jumped, wiping a smear of whipped cream from his cheek and darting out of the room.

"N-nothing. Nall invited me in for a sundae and then we watched this movie on Pay-Per-View cuz his flying kitty thing wanted to and I don't know what happened from there because I got confused."

Nall turned and shrugged at Reo. "Hey, Lia promised I could make an appearance, this is it. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm watching a movie."

~*~

Back where things still make no sense, Patamon has begun his usual Batpig tirade, although his partners want nothing to do with the Pork Knight. The Austin Powers Trio was engrossed in Nickelodeon, so they could care less. And where am I, the omnipotent, omnipresent author?

"Get yourself another man, you ten-year-old two cent whore! No self-righteous P***mon rip-off b**** is getting anywhere near him so help me God! You and him? Ha! There's a greater chance for Mimato, which is already f***ed up as it is!"

A/N: I apologize to Mimato fans, but that is my opinion and I'm sticking to it.

I can't say anything; I'm just the bishounen.

"That's right, Lia! Tell her who's boss!" Sora cried. Lia turned and glared at her.

"What's this? Switch-hitting, Sora?"

"Actually, I feel that fighting each other is pointless and I should respect your boundaries as an author. Matt's mine when you make it so, and I can handle that."

"Really? Well, what do you say we make this an unfair fight and trash the little slut?"

"Couldn't agree more."

Gabumon paused in his glaring at Renamon and trudged over to the two teenage girls glaring at Ruki.

"Um…maybe you two haven't noticed, but your darling Yamato has up and vanished. It's like ice cream, you buy a brand new carton and it's all gone in one day but only one of you can be Matt's real girlfriend and it's not her," he said, pointing at Ruki.

"Did you understand any of that?" Wizardmon asked his pink affiliate.

"Not a single syllable," Biyomon replied. "Hey, but at least we're not Batpig-ing."

Meanwhile, Armadillomon was dragging Wormmon over to where Ken was sitting. The adolescent genius had just hit the "play" button on his Discman, humming to a new CD.

"That there boy of yours is fruitier than a bottle of Hawaiian Punch. Do something to straighten him out, doggone it!"

Wormmon tapped Ken in the shins, causing him to glance up in question.

"Whaddya listening to?"

Ken smiled. "More Broadway tunes of Matt's. He, Lia, and Nicki are doing a school production of the HMS Pinafore."

And our friend the former Digimon Emperor started whistling the part of Little Buttercup.

"Ken seems fine to me," Wormmon stated.

"The both of you are messed in the head."

~*~

Sora and Lia were well aware of the dangers of Yolei.

"That…girl…is…more…psychotic…than…Jun!" Lia panted, slamming into a corner she took too sharply.

"We…have…to…stop…her!" Sora added. Little did the Redheaded One know but Ruki, the blatant rip of P***mon, caught her from behind, stowed her in an unused soundstage, stole her clothes, and came out looking like the 01 girl.

"F***ing Yolei. I'm going to murder her if she's done anything to…" Lia paused mid-gripe, hearing some very disturbing music filtering through the hallway. Cheap Looney Tunes style, she pulled out a pencil, drew a door on empty wall space, and opened the fake door, which consequently led to Izzy's dressing room.

"Nall! Is that your sick idea of a joke?" she thundered.

"What? I'm sitting here, doing nothing but trying to find those end-of-02 marriage certificates and watching Endless Waltz!"

"Then who the hell is playing that song?"

"Dunno…Reo?"

Lia shrieked in annoyance and slammed the fake door, opening it again to find Reo and Willis playing strip poker in Joe's dressing room.

"I'm not even going to ask."

"Your f***ing music is coming from your own f***ing hallway, b****. It's your turn, Willis."

"Kay!"

Lia shook her head and shut the door once again. "Just go to a page break while I figure this out."

No, I'm not having fun trying to figure out where music with many sexual innuendos is coming from, even though you the audience probably know. Dramatic irony, ne?

~*~

Nicki, meanwhile, was trying every last trick in the cheap book of animation to ditch Takato and Lee (whose name may possibly be changed to Henry). Izzy was right behind them, shouting really big words and the occasional profanity.

"Hey look! It's Jennifer Aniston and Lisa Kudrow in bikinis!" Nicki shouted, attempting to get the ten-year-olds to look away so she could make a hasty retreat.

What? I saw it in a Fushigi Yuugi manga!

"Who?"

Nicki hung her head in defeat. "I give up."

Izzy, however, hadn't.

The little egghead went into a storage closet and somehow reemerged with that stack of perverted Digimon manga we stumbled upon pages ago.

"Here you go, boys. A little reading that you will certainly find enjoyable."

Engrossed in the darker side of Digimon (which doesn't exist, so don't even try), Takato and Lee totally ignored Nicki and ran off with the porn.

"Now that that's accomplished, we need to talk regarding this Joe guy."

Nicki gulped. "Page break. Please?"

~*~

"I'm the only dinosaur digimon around here! Get the hell out of my territory!" Agumon hollered, putting a stranglehold on Gillmon.

"Yeah! Fox, wolf, same species! Take a hike, sister!" Gabumon added as Gatomon smacked Renamon repeatedly.

"I'M TERRIERMON!"

"I'm…still confused," Lopmon pouted, sitting down with a Hershey bar and a bottle of Coke.

~*~

Armadillomon is still convinced that there is something seriously wrong with Ken. We who support Kensuke know otherwise. The yellow tunnel-digging digimon was now dragging Cody over, pointing vehemently.

"There's something screwy about Ken! I mean, look at him!"

Ken's still wearing his headphones, and listening to show tunes. Gotta love show tunes, they're great.

"Hi Ken, what are you listening to?" Cody asked, being the polite, raspy-voiced little kid he is.

"Oh, hey Cody. Just a couple CDs Matt let me borrow. Most of them are from Broadway musicals and stuff."

Cody picked up a CD cover and eyed it suspiciously. "The Japanese soundtrack for Card Captor Sakura?"

"Oh, that's one of Lia's. Matt says she has a bad habit of leaving CDs at his apartment. It's actually pretty good music."

"See?! He's been listening to girl music, and singing girl parts in musicals, this kid needs a psychiatrist!"

Cody took his digimon aside, one of those mysterious little Cody smiles on his face.

"Armadillomon, you do know Ken's gay, right?"

Armadillomon looked shocked. "Wha?"

"Yup. He's Davis's boyfriend."

"And you hang out with him? WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!"

Cody sweatdropped. "Go to a page break, if you don't mind."

~*~

Lia and Ruki (who's supposed to be Sora) eventually found the janitor's closet door where the music was filtering from.

"Go on ahead, I'll be right behind you," Ruki suggested. Lia nodded, adorably naïve as she is, and kicked the door in.

The first thing she noticed were the lava lamps. So many lava lamps. At least a good couple thousand lava lamps. And then she went flying after tripping over something on the floor.

"Goddamn! What the…?!"

Lia got up and turned, trying to figure out what it was she tripped on. Yes, I was wearing my blue flip-flops again.

Sitting on the floor was a pair of brown loafers, and a little heap of black clothing crumpled into a ball. Lia picked up the shirt and held it up towards the lava lamplight.

"Hmph, I believe I've stumbled onto something, Watson…literally," she muttered, scrutinizing the shirt. "Definitely Matt's. It's got the tears in it from rabid fangirls trying to claw it off him."

"Goddamn, woman, stop staring at my polo shirt and get me out of here!"

Lia glanced up, only to discover the blonde bishounen shackled to the revolving bed. He attempted to wave, rattling his chains for effect.

"Yep, that b**** stripped me to my boxers and put me in bondage. I think she's run off to get a jar of peanut butter…or something to that degree. NOW HELP ME!"

Lia grinned viciously. "I dunno, you were making those cracks about me on the way back from Merchandising."

"I'm sorry! Please, have mercy on me and get me away from that psychotic purple-haired Mata Hari!"

"Who are you talking to, Yama-sama?" Yolei asked, walking towards the door.

"Um…uh…I…Lia please I'm begging you I'll do anything, anything, just get me out of here," he whimpered, eyeing the doorframe nervously.

"I'll save you!" Ruki cried, pouncing on the bed. "For I am…"

"Definitely not Sora! Prepare to die, Redheaded B****!" Lia shrieked, going for her jugular. In the meantime, Yolei, who's wearing something along the lines of one of Shadowmon's APT outfits…oh wait, it is one of Shad's APT outfits…and carrying a jar of creamy peanut butter, came into the room.

"What the…?!"

And as Yolei tried to figure out what was going on, in strolled the original Austin Powers Trio.

"Stop in the name of being a totally square…groovy, look at all the lava lamps," Gomamon sighed.

"Sho many lampsh…"

"I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am…ohhhh, lava lamps…"

Matt nearly started crying. "Why does everything have to happen to me? Why? Why?"

"Oh shut up, BakaYama," Nicki scowled as she and the rest of the 01 and 02 crew (including Sora, who changed into one of her other outfits after being freed from the closet).

The season two sprites looked thoroughly disgusted.

"Yolei…"

"Wearing practically nothing…"

"And trying to rape my older brother…"

"Thank Kami I'm gay," Ken and Davis muttered.

Well, Mimi jumped Yolei and grabbed her by the hair, yanking it back.

"You leave my boyfriend's best friend's girlfriend's best friend's boyfriend alone!"

"Zounds. That was certainly perplexing," Hawkmon stated.

"Quiet, you British Belt Bird!" Nicki snapped.

Belt bird, n. Referring to the belt on Hawkmon's head, this digimon has absolutely no fashion sense and seems rather gay.

Patamon and Gatomon conveniently armor digivolved into Nefertimon and Pegasusmon, left the room, and returned with a golden noosed bundle of 03 groupies. They added Ruki to the pot after Lia was finished clawing at her with her six-inch fingernails.

"What are we going to do with them?" Sora asked.

Willis, Reo, and Nall entered, holding a crate.

"WE FOUND THE HOLY HAND GRENADE!"

"Monty Python references, yay!" Shadowmon cried.

Following the instructions from the script (the whole 'thou shalt count to three, no more no less, and lob thy grenade at thy enemies' bit), the two original casts caused the new one to explode into bits of paper and splotches of ink.

"You know they'll be back, right?" Joe asked morosely.

"Uh-huh. At least they know to leave us alone now," Tai mentioned.

"All right, we defeated the Tamers. Can someone please let me out of this thing now?" Matt questioned.

"I rather like you there, in an uncompromising situation that keeps you far away from my Digidestined. I believe we shall leave you there," Wizardmon said, smirking. Or at least smirking under his cowl.

"Let him out now, Wizardmon, or I swear I will not take you to see the Harry Potter movie!" Lia threatened.

"Yessum!"

~*~

The original casts went back and reclaimed their dressing rooms, leaving Willis to go back into his old cardboard box. Reo left, off to write another lemon-zest filled fanfic of yaoi smut. Nall went off to do who-knows-what, probably harass somebody else. Matt refused to leave his room for a week, frightened by Yolei beyond all mortal comprehension.

"Matt? It's me. Can I come in?"

"Lia? Yeah, sure, let me unlock the door."

Well, unlocking the door took ten minutes because the boy had lined the whole door with locks and then barricaded it with loose furniture. When Lia did finally get in, our blonde bishounen nearly passed out.

"I'm only doing this to make you happy because you're weirding me out. Now shut the door, Davis has been giving me looks."

Lia had popped over to MTV and borrowed a set of wardrobe from "Say What? Karaoke at the Moulin Rouge" meaning feathers, big ol' puffy skirt, and yes, a silk corset.

"Yamato Ishida always gets what he wants."

Halfway down the hall Nicki and Izzy were in the Izumi dressing room with a bag of Doritos and a stack of anime movies.

"So I'm still your number one boyfriend?"

"Yup. I'm sorry, Izzy."

"Eh, it happens. It could be worse, you could be Yolei."

"And try and rape BakaYama? Oh disgusting! Don't make me throw up!"

Nicki starts gagging. Izzy had to practically Heimlich her.

And elsewhere in the Digimon set?

"DAVIS, I WANT MY GOGGLES BACK!"

"YOU GAVE THEM TO ME!"

"CODY! KEN'S SINGING GIRL SONGS AGAIN!"

"YOLEI! GET OUT OF MY DRESSING ROOM!"

Ah, just another day in eternal season two.

~*~

Wow. That got interesting. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the product of too much school, a lot of sugar, many late nights, my mental imagination, and listening to Nall and Nicki. I apologize to the aforementioned two for the Moulin Rouge incident; I was coerced by the bishounen.

Don't apologize! And didn't Mimi suggest you put that on for me?!

I especially want to apologize to Nicki for the Joe thing. Once again, coerced by the bishounen and his computer-loving accomplice.

That was all Izzy. I could care less about Nicki's love life.