One day Rick Vyvyan and Mike were seated at the breakfast table.
Rick was telling a story.
"Which if you ask me is about as clever as going to the toilet without taking your trousers down!" snickerd Rick. "Anyway...But Mary decided..."
"Wait a minute." interceded Vyvyan. "Who's this Mary?"
Rick gave him a look.
"What do you mean "Who's this Mary?". he said disgruntled. "I'v been talking about her for the last ten minutes!"
"Have you?"
"Honestly Vyvyan have you been listening to a word I'v said???"
"No."
"Well pay attention!" snapped Rick deciding to concede to Vyvyans inferior intellect. "Mary's that tall girl doing joggers..."
"Ohhhhhhh." Vyvyan caught on. "You mean the one with enormous tits!"
Rick laughed derisively. "Honestly they'r minute...Vyvyan will you stop being so sexist?!! They'r called breasts and everybody has them!"
"Well I dont!" retorted Vyvyan.
"Yes and nor did Adolf Hitler!" countered Rick.
* * *
Neil tore down the street breathlessly. The hippy had never had need of such haste. If he didnt get the message to the other members of the commune the results would be tragic...
* * *
"Oh I know who you mean." said Vyvyan nodding. "Old yellow pages." "Yes yes yes." said Rick testily. "I believe some of the more politically unsound members of the university call her that yes! Anyway Mary decided not to go to the party for the obvious reason..." "Hold it hold it hold it." Mike stopped him. "What is it now???" "Who's getting married?" "No nobody's getting married Michael I'm talikng about Mary!" Pause. Then... "Who's Mary?" "Oh GOD!!!"
* * *
In his divine rush Neil overturned a dustbin as inevitably he established contact with it. CRASH! The hippy found himself underneath an upturned pile of rubbish. Scrambling to his feet Neil noticed a multi-coloured hippy-satchel among the debris. Thanking the gods for their gift Neil claimed it. Then his eye fell on a dead pidgeon fementing sadly on the ground. Singing the gods praise joyously for depriving him of the nessesity of going to the shops that day Neil grabbed it and stuffed it into the satchel. Then he went on running. * * * "But I still dont see why that means they should call her "yellow pages"." said Mike. "Look I'll tell you Michael." said Vyvyan leaning forward. "Y'see when she gets drunk at parties..." "Vyvyan!" cut in Rick. "Vyvyan would you please try to grow up and pay attention! Its my story its bloody amusing! Honestly I dont know why I bother sometimes." "I dont know why you bother ever." remarked Vyvyan. "Yeah right." chuckled Rick half-heartedly. GRUNT.
* * *
Neil finally reached the house.
Mohammed had come to the mountain.
* * *
Just as Neil enterd the phone began to ring. "Hey guys! Listen I'v got something AMAZING to tell you..." Rick looked around at him. "Answer the phone Neil!" "What?" "Answer the phone!" "Oh right." Neil made for the telephone and reached it...just as it stopped ringing. "Oh floppy disks." he grunted. "Anyway never mind listen to..." "What d'you mean never mind?" demanded Rick. "That might have been a very important call Neil! God your a complete tea cup arent you?" "Mug Rick." "What? Oh yes sorry damn DAMN!" Neil addressed the students. "Look listen to me right..." "No Neil YOU listen!" snapped Vyvyan. "I'v been waiting here for half an hour. Half a bloody hour Neil being hungry waiting for my tea and listeng to that bogey bum!" (Indicating Rick.) Neil was indignant. "Oh and so thats my fault? Yeah its always my fault! Why didnt you cook your own tea Vyvyan?" the hippy challenged. "Because I do NOT cook the tea Neil. YOU do!!" retorted Vyvyan. "Thats what we agreed when we first came. You do the cooking and I'll look after the plants and the goldfish." "Yeah." said Neil bitterly as he made for the counter. "And what did you make me cook on that first day." "Sausages." "Sausages AND?" Vyvyan sighed. "Sausages and plants and goldfish. I'v discharged my responsibilities Neil now you discharge yours." "Hey Mike!" grinned Rick. "That sounds like a cue for a really dirty joke dos'nt it!" Mike glanced at him. "Shut up Rick." As Rick sulked Neil emptied the dustbin onto the table. The group stared at him. "Whats this Neil?" cried Mike. "Left-overs." "Neil" said Rick trembling with emotion. "I hate you." "Oh yeah thats right pick on me!" said Neil. "I mean I'v already had personality hassles with a complete stranger today..." "Hey theres a dead rat in here!" exclaimed Vyvyan. "GREAT!!" he proceeded to bite the rats head off. "I mean a complete stranger came up to me right and called me smelly!" explained Neil. Looks of total and profound outrage and concern for their fellow student utterly failed to materialise on the others faces. "This complete stranger shouted smelly at me!" Neil bashed on. "I wouldnt have minded if he was standing sevral yards away! I mean come on guys you can tell me truthfully do I smell?" The hippy lifted his armpits for their perusal. "Yes." said Mike. "I mean come on I can handle it do I...what do you mean "yes"?" "We mean yes you smell." offered Vyvyan. "Smelly!" "Great. Yeah great." grumbled Neil as he went about his buisness. Suddenly Rick looked up. "Hands up who likes me!" he cried brightly. "Look here guys." began Mike. "According to the house list the last time we went to the laundret was February...1981. Guys its wash day." "I said hands up who likes..." "RICK! We heard what you said! Now guys theres no avoiding this and I'm not talking about my chopper. We are going to the laundret." "Oh no PLEASE!" cried Vyvyan in dismay. "Oh no not the laundret." groaned Neil dismally. Rick leapt to his feet. He was trembling with rage. Perhapse like the prophet of old he considerd that he did well to be angry. "Why dont you like me?" he demanded. Vyvyan looked up at him. "Because your a complete bastard." he replied. "Now Vyvyan I'm being serious." said Rick sternly. "So am I. Your a complete bastard and we all hate you." Rick chuckled wryly. "I find that rather difficult to believe." "Wanna bet on it?" said Vyvyan. "I'll put down a fiver!" "Yeah me too!" volounteered Neil. "Count me in!" contibuted Mike. "Er..I dont bet." said Rick in what he hoped was a rueful voice. "Coward!" laughed Vyvyan. "Yeah YELLOW CHICKEN!" taunted Neil. "Yeah ok I'm not scared!" said Rick. "Alright everybody." said Vyvyan as they all slapped down their money. "The bets on!" Rick pretended to fumble around in his pockets. "OH! I havent got any money!" he said regretfully. Neil looked at him in puzzlement. "What about that tenner I lent you this morning for your sisters operation?" he asked. Now it was Vyvyans turn to be bewilderd. "You havent got a sister Rick!" he said. "Your the classic example of an only child!" Rick was forced to admit defeat. "Are we gonna bet or are we gonna piffle around all day?" he snarled slapping down Neils tenner. "Right...HANDS UP WHO LIKES ME!!!!" Neil Mike and Vyvyan stuck their hands under the table. Rick only got two votes and they were his own. "DAMN!!" he roared. "Right thats it I'm gonna kill myself! Then you'll be sorry!" "No we wont." snickerd Vyvyan as he tore a tenner in half and handed one piece to Mike. Rick had taken off his belt and was trying unsuccessfully to hang himself from the ceiling. "I feel sorry for you you zeros! YOu nobodies! Whats gonna live on after you die? I'll tell you! Nothing thats what!" Rick gave up and went over to the fridge where he grabbed a jar of pills which he started to cram into his mouth. "Vyvyan" said Neil. "can you like actually kill yourself with laxitive pills?" "I dunno Neil but I'm going to stay and find out." "I think I'm going to go up to my room for a bit." muttered Neil and ran for the stairs cringing away from Rick as he did so. "This house will become a shrine!" cried Rick as he gutted pills. "And punks and skins and rastas will all gather round and hold their hands in sorrow for their fallen leader! And all the adults will say "But why are the kids crying?" and all the kids will say "Havent you heard? Rick is dead! The peoples poet is dead! And then one particularly sensitive and articulat teenager will say "Hey you other kids do you understand nothing? How can Rick be dead when we still have his poems?" and then another kid will say..." BLLLURRRRPPPP!!!!! Just as Rick underwent an embarrassing movement Neil came down stairs again with a look of terror on his face. "Oh wow! Hey you guys one of Vyvyans socks has escaped!"
* * *
"Get back in the sack sock!" roared Vyvyan at the sock he Neil and Mike had cornored and were waving chairs at. - I'm not going back in there! - hissed the sock. - It stinks! - "Vyvyan if you cant keep control of your socks you shant be allowed to have any!" growled Mike. The sock attacked Neil who shrank away in abject fear. "Oh oh oh oh!!! Help I'm being hassled by a killer sock!!!!" Vyvyan grabbed a frying pan and brought it crashing down on the sock repeatedly. CLANG! "KILL!" snarled Neil waving his chair at the sock. CLANG! "KILL!" CLANG! "KILL!" Rick came into the living room and glared at Neil in disgust. "Oh well thats nice talk coming from a vegetarian!" "Socks arent vegetables man they should be wiped out!" "Well I hope your satisfied Dr Neil Goebils." sniffed Rick. "Its dead now." He removed his hat respectfully. Vyvyan took the oppurtunity to hit him with the frying pan. "Right that settles it." said Mike. "We are going to the laundret NOW." "We cant Mike." said Vyvyan. "Why not?" "Because they dont open for another eight hours. Its midnight." "Right we are going up to bed right now." said Mike
* * *
"Come on guys like the sooner we start the sooner we finish." said Neil the next day at the laundret. "Ha!" laughed Rick as he plonked down next to where Vyvyan and Mike were sitting. "They said that about...something that took a long time to finish. Didnt they!" "I hate these places." grunted Vyvyan. "They'r so depressing. You know Michael I would rather go to a lecture than a laundret." "Oh come on Vyvyan dont exaggerate." "Hey!" cried Rick. "I know a joke about that as well! Listen pay attention to me! "I'v told you a million times do not exaggerate!"." Mike and Vyvyan stared at him. "Get on with it Neil." snapped Rick. Neil stuffed the clothes into a washing machine. BLUUUUUUURP! The machine spewed them out again covering the four students with rusty coloured water. "Oh wow!" wailed Neil. "Techno-fear! Its happening again! All the machineries ganging up on me! Vyvyan..." "Outta the way Neil!" snapped Vyvyan. "Me and machinery have a very special understanding!" He took the clothes and put his face close the machine. "Right dont give me any jib ya bastard." The machine door slammed shut. "Oh dear." murmured Vyvyan. "This calls for a very special blend of phsycology and extreme violence." He cleared his throat. "Oh la-di-da! Look what I'v found in my laundry bag! All of Felicity Kendalls under wear! It needs a good wash!" The door flew open again. Rick Neil and Vyvyan lunged at it and held it open. Mike began to read the instructions. "Right makes sure the door is securely clo-Oh no we'v done that! Now fill the machine with powder...What d'they mean "powder"? Curry powder? Cocain? I mean Whats on their minds???" "Maybe they need washing powder Mike." Neil suggested. He looked around for inspiration. "Well look maybe if we like gather all the horrid sludgy stuff from the other machines we can get enough." "Great Neil you carry on. It says "do you require conditioner?". Well do we?" "No Mike." gasped Rick sweaty from his battle with the washing machine door. "Thats just for people washing their hair." "Well we dont want to go mad! Now insert two fifty pence pieces..." Mikes voice trailed off as he realised the one fatal flaw in their plan. Rick Vyvyan and Neil turned to look at him. Pause. Then the four of them turned to stare at the washing machine. If a machine could look smug then this denizen would have made the Chesire cat look like a relative of Neil.
* * *
"C'mon guys." said Neil as they were all gatherd despondantly around the living room table an hour later. "I dont think we should let this experience bring us down. I mean whats so wrong about dirty clothes anyway?" Rick perked up. "Yes. Y'know what they say. "Dirty pants clean butt"." Mike gave a nod of approval. "Dirty duvet dirty mind." he quoted. "Yeah." put in Vyvyan. "My trousers are so old its only the stubborn stains that are holding them together." "One things for sure." said Rick. "When Lenin led the rovoloution in Russia no way did he do it with spotless trouses." "YEAH! I LOVE MY THREADS FILTHY!" cried Vyvyan. "Yeah!" said Neil. "Hey lets like never wash our clothes again!" "Whaddaya mean again??????!!!!!!!" demanded Mike. Neil bashed on regardlessly. "We could be like the dirtiest students in the whole world!" "Hey!" grinned Mike. "Now theres a challenge." The result was explosive. Neil lept up from the table and lunged to the middle of the room. "OH WOW!" he cried. "OH YEAH! HEY I'V JUST REMEMBERD WHAT IT WAS I HAD TO TELL YOU!! WHATS THE TIME?????!!!!!" "Half-past five?" guessed Vyvyan. "That means we have exactly five minutes to get to the station!" "Oh cocka-doodle-doo Neil." sneered Rick. "What ARE you taling about?" "We'v been picked right." said Neil. "To like go on university challenge tonight!"
* * *
"Oh I wish we'd missed the train after all now." mutterd Neil as he poured of his work-file of notes. "I'm just not going to able to answer anything. I just know it." "Oh c'mon Neil ya little swotty-pants." sniggerd Rick who sitting on the other side of the table. "Gawd just look at you! Swotting away for teacher like a total spasmo! God your really just an utter creep arent you Neil? You'v done loads and loads of work for this and I havent done anything! Go on test me!" Neil looked up at him. "What?" "Go on test me!" "You just said you havent done anything." "Stop trying to be clever just take the book." "Alright but probation regurgatation is against my principles." "I'm asking you to test me on it not throw up on it!" Neil looked at Ricks file. "O-level history notes?" "Yeah." grinned Rick. "Bitta bloody brilliant luck eh! We'r doing the exact same subject as I did for O-levels!" Neil noticed a missive scrawled on the cover of the file. "Prick is a wonker signed the rest of the class." There was a momentarty silence. "Ah." chuckled Rick. "Well you see that was a sort of in-joke we had in our class. Actually I was incredibly popular and everybody thought I was great." Neils gaze fell upon a second epitaph. "I agree with the rest of the class signed teacher." Rick ripped the file from his hands opened it at a spot and handed it back to him. "Right." he snapped. "Now do it properly and dont skip bits." Neil began to read. "Crop rotations in the seventeenth century..." "Right." cut in Rick. "Crop rotations in the seventeenth century were much more widespread..." "Considerably." Rick looked at the hippy. "Sorry?" "Its considerably more widespread not much more." explained Neil. Rick looked at him blankly. "Well?" "Well you said do it properly and dont skip bits." "Well not that much you stupid bloody HIPPY!" snapped Rick. "Right! Crop rotations in the seventeenth century were CONSIDERABLY more widespread after...god I know this. Dont tell me!... 1172!" He waited expectantly. Neil just sat there staring at him. "Well?" "You just said not to tell you." "Yes but I only meant for a minute!" "What a minute from now or a minute from then?" "Just shut up and tell me the answer!" "Shut up AND tell you the answer?" "JUST TELL ME THE ANSWER!!!" roared Rick. "John." "John? Crop roatations in the seventeenth century were considerably more widespread after...John?" "After John invented the patent crop roatation." Rick thumped the desk. "Yes! I knew it I bloody knew it!" "No you didnt!" Neil protested. "You said 1172 thats not a bit like John!" Rick broke down in tears. "God you spiteful little bastard Neil!" he howled hysterically. "Just because your a creepy little swot and you'v done about fifteen million tons worth of work just like a girl and just because I'm so hard and suave and cool that I'v done absolutely bugger all! And look at it!" He began to rip Neils notes into pieces. "And loads and loads and loads and loads!!!!" he wept. Neil slapped him across the face. "Stop it Rick!" he cried. "Its only university challenge Rick! Its only university challenge!" As Rick calmed down Mike and Vyvyan returned from the buffet and sat down. Vyvyan handed Rick a paper cup and held out his hands. "Four quid Rick." "Four pounds for an empty paper cup?" sniffed Rick. "Well it HAD sugar in it." Rick sighed and handed over a five pound note which Vyvyan proceeded to rip in half and hand one half of to Mike. "Who are we playing anyway?" Mike wonderd aloud. "Footlights university college." said Neil. "Its gonna be like really heavy and tough." "Well I'v done my revision." said Vyvyan giving a book to Mike. Mike looked at the book. "The Daily Mirror book of facts. Did you know?" "Really?" gasped Neil grabbing the book and opening it. "Do you think thats where they get the questions from?" He read aloud from it. "The world record for stuffing marshmallows up one nostril..." "Tokstov Ogrady USA." said Vyvyan matter-of-factly. "The world stickiest bogey..." "Thats Tokstov again." "The worls stupidest bottom burp Vyvyan Britain." cackled Rick. "It say Rick here." Neil contradicted him. Rick grabbed the book and stared at it incredulously. Vyvyan got to his feet. "I'm off to stuff loads and loads of paper down the toilet." he informed the others as he walked off. "I'v often wonderd who did that..." murmured Mike. Then the train came to a halt and they were nearly hurled to the floor. "Oh good heavens what now?" growled Rick. "Someone must ahve pulled the communications cord." said Mike. "Well it wasnt me matey!" laughed Rick. "If British rails want fifty pounds the can just about bloody well run out and become a prostitute! Which they virtually are anyway come to think of it! Right commutas?!!"
* * *
"Oh god!" snarled Rick as the gang stood by the road trying to hitch a lift. He gave Vyvyan a withering glare. "If you hadnt pulled that communications cord that man would never have thrown us off the train!" "Rick he threw us off the train because you said that Aslav was an anagram for "total and complete bastard"." Mike ammended. "Apart from that it isint even." mutterd Neil. "Oh shut up Neil." growled Rick. "If you hadnt been born then we wouldnt even be here because there'd only be three of us and three isint enough to go on university challenge so its your fault!" "Will everyone relax?" inquired Mike. "It dos'nt matter what time we get there. I know Bambi. I helped him get the Babisham advert." Neil was impressed. "Really? Oh wow. Do you think they really make it out of babies?" "Oh bloody hell!" wailed Rick. "It must be about two hundred miles to manchester and I bet we'v got to walk the whole bloody way!" "What are you talking about Rick?" retorted Mike. "I'm the greatest hitchhiker in the galaxy!"
* * *
"See told ya!" said Mike as they arrived at the TV studio. "Hang on." growled the security guard as arrived in the lobbey. "You were supposed to be here two weeks ago!" "Yeah but we had to like walk the last two hundred miles." grumbled Neil. "We sent a telegraph message." said Mike. "Didnt you get it?" "We did get a message yeah." the guard took out a sheet of paper and read it out to the lads. "Beep beep beep. Oh no heavy the coins keep coming out. Beep beep beep. Even the telephone hates me. Beep beep beep. I wish there were no machines and we all led a pastoroul existence. Beep beep beep. Carrots and turnips dont deliberately mock you and go like beep in your ear." "Thats our message." affirmed Neil. "Didnt you get it?" The secrity guard sighed. I'm too good for this he thought. Vyvyan entered the lobbey. He was carrying a large pig in his arms. "Hang on whats that?" exclaimed the guard. "Its my mascot." replied Vyvyan. "A pig???" "NO!" "Yes it is!" "No its not. Its a ferret. A severely deformed ferret I grant you that. So severely deformed in fact that it looks a little bit like a pig." "It looks exactly like a pig!" "Yes well it certainly has been remarked upon. In fact Bacon Sandwhich here is known as the Pig Ferret." "Bacon Sandwhich?" mused the guard. "Funny name for a ferret innit?" "AHA!!" laughed Vyvyan. "And thats where I had you fooled! Its not a ferret its a pig!" "Nice one Vyvyan!" laughed Mike. "Yeah!" chuckled Rick. "Have ya had enough Nazi or d'ya want some more?!!" - Thats nothing - thought Bacon Sandwhich. - Someone called me a policeman the other day - Just then a tall man in white wandered into the room. "Oh." he said. "I see that the Scum Bag University reps are here! Well then..." "Bambi Bambi!" cried Mike clapping the man on the back. "My main man! Good t'see ya! You'v lost a lot of fur since I last saw you and your walking on two legs now but still the same old Bambi!" Neil sniffed and began to sob. "Shut Neil!" hissed Rick. "Shut up! Whats the matter?" "I'm sorry everbody." wept Neil. "I'm sorry Bambi. I'm just remembering the bit where you got lost in the snow and the little rabbit found you. It was so beautiful." "Yeah!" grinned Vyvyan fiendishly. "I loved the bit where you shoved the drill into the virgin otters face!" "That wasnt in Bambi Vyvyan!" cried the outraged Neil. "It was in the sequel Neil." snapped Vyvyan. "Bambi goes crazy bonkers with his drill and sex." There was a pause. The bottom of Neils life seemed to fall out as lie after lie about his main inspiration was shattered. The hippy glared at the man who he had respected admired and looked up to for all these years. "Is that true Bambi?" he demanded "Did you do a Disney nasty?" "What if I did?" sniffed Bambi. "I'm not apologising. My life just collapsed after Bambi. I was a lovable fawn alright. I did the Babycham commercials and when the porn version of Bambi came along I thought "Hey this is where I get something back". If it wasnt for the chance to host University Challenge I would have been giving executive relief to this very day." There was a slight pause. "So." said Rick folding his arms. "Are you going to let us win?" Bambi looked at him. "No of course not the posh kids will win. They always do. Come on the shows about to start." As they were led away Vyvyan left Bacon Sandwhich in the security guards hands.
* * *
"Down there we have the reps from Footlights Oxford." Bambi addressed the audience. "RA RA RA! WE'R GOING TO SMASH THE OIKS!" roared the Footlights supporters. "Yes thats the spirit. And up there we have Scum bag university represented by Mike Vyvyan Prick..." "WHAT???!!!" "...and Neil." "Vegetable rights and peace!" said Neil giving the audience the peace sign. The crowd booed and hissed. "Right now lets begin." said Bambi taking out the question cards. "Fingers on buzzers. Now who said..." BUZZ! "Scum bag university-Neil." "Umm...Can I go to the toilet please?" asked the hippy. "No I'm afraid your barking up the wrong tree there. Now where was..." BUZZ! "Battle of Bannockburn!" said one of the footlights reps. "Yes that was very well anticipated there. Footlights up by a hundred points." Bambi took out another question card. "Who said..." BUZZ! "Scum bag university-Neil." "Umm sorry to like hussle you Bambi but I do need to go the toilet really badly!" Bambi chose to pass that over with the contempt it deserved. "Who said "Lawks o lordy my bottoms on fire!"?" "Oh no guys I'm going to have to like wee on Lord Snotts head..." BUZZ! "Lenin!" cried a Footlights rep. "Well I'll accept that though the exact answer is Joan of Ark. Footlights up by three hundred points." BUZZ! "Scum bag university-Vyvyan." All eyes went to Vyvyan who was trying to take his buzzer apart with a pen knife. He looked up and stared back. "What?" he inquired. Bambi hurriedly plucked out a third question card. "What is the chemical equasion of..." BUZZ! "I'v got a porshe." giggled a female Footlights rep. "Well thats not the answer but I knew your father so Footlights up by six hundred points." "Daddy sends his hugs!" Bambi collected a third question card. "Who is the..." "I'm completely bloody sick of this!" roared Vyvyan. He kicked a hole in the platform and introduced a Footlight reps head to his foot. The rep hit the deck. "Give us some easy ones Bambi ya big bottom burp!!" "Now I'm going to have to hurry you for an answer." plunged on Bambi. "Who is the richest man in the world?" "Its me is'nt it?" inquired a Footlights rep. "I'm afraid not. Your fathers multi-million collapsed only this morning." "Damn!" cried Rick. "We'r getting thrashed! We'r getting completely thrashed! Is'nt there some way we can CHEAT?!!" "Look guys its beginning to seep out..." "Its very simple Neil." snapped Mike. "Use the jug." He emptied the jug onto Lord Snott and handed it to Neil. "Now Vyvyan." hissed Mike. Vyvyan took out a hand grenade. "Armaggedon!!!" He threw the grenade downwards... KAAAAABOOOOOOM!!!!!!!! When the smoke cleared up there was no sign of the Footlights reps. "Next question." said Bambi. "What is the record number of marshmallows stuffed up one nostril?" BUZZ! "Scum bag-Mike." "Five hundred and twenty three Tokstov Ogrady USA." stated Mike calmly. Vyvyan gave a roar of fury. "I told you that Mike you bloody cheat!" "Correct. Two hundred points. The worlds stickiest bogy?" "Tokstov again Bambi." "Correct. Five hundred points." "You bum bag!" exploded Vyvyan apalled. "And the final question for a thousand points to take you into the lead...who's been tampering with my question cards?" BUZZ! "IT WAS ME!!" cried Rick proudly. "IT WAS ME!!!!!!" Then he realised his fatal blunder. "DAMN!! DAMN!!!!!" The crowd began to boo and hiss. "Turn the fire extinguishers on them!" Bambi called down to the security guards. The next half-hour was very exciting for the four students.
Rick was telling a story.
"Which if you ask me is about as clever as going to the toilet without taking your trousers down!" snickerd Rick. "Anyway...But Mary decided..."
"Wait a minute." interceded Vyvyan. "Who's this Mary?"
Rick gave him a look.
"What do you mean "Who's this Mary?". he said disgruntled. "I'v been talking about her for the last ten minutes!"
"Have you?"
"Honestly Vyvyan have you been listening to a word I'v said???"
"No."
"Well pay attention!" snapped Rick deciding to concede to Vyvyans inferior intellect. "Mary's that tall girl doing joggers..."
"Ohhhhhhh." Vyvyan caught on. "You mean the one with enormous tits!"
Rick laughed derisively. "Honestly they'r minute...Vyvyan will you stop being so sexist?!! They'r called breasts and everybody has them!"
"Well I dont!" retorted Vyvyan.
"Yes and nor did Adolf Hitler!" countered Rick.
* * *
Neil tore down the street breathlessly. The hippy had never had need of such haste. If he didnt get the message to the other members of the commune the results would be tragic...
* * *
"Oh I know who you mean." said Vyvyan nodding. "Old yellow pages." "Yes yes yes." said Rick testily. "I believe some of the more politically unsound members of the university call her that yes! Anyway Mary decided not to go to the party for the obvious reason..." "Hold it hold it hold it." Mike stopped him. "What is it now???" "Who's getting married?" "No nobody's getting married Michael I'm talikng about Mary!" Pause. Then... "Who's Mary?" "Oh GOD!!!"
* * *
In his divine rush Neil overturned a dustbin as inevitably he established contact with it. CRASH! The hippy found himself underneath an upturned pile of rubbish. Scrambling to his feet Neil noticed a multi-coloured hippy-satchel among the debris. Thanking the gods for their gift Neil claimed it. Then his eye fell on a dead pidgeon fementing sadly on the ground. Singing the gods praise joyously for depriving him of the nessesity of going to the shops that day Neil grabbed it and stuffed it into the satchel. Then he went on running. * * * "But I still dont see why that means they should call her "yellow pages"." said Mike. "Look I'll tell you Michael." said Vyvyan leaning forward. "Y'see when she gets drunk at parties..." "Vyvyan!" cut in Rick. "Vyvyan would you please try to grow up and pay attention! Its my story its bloody amusing! Honestly I dont know why I bother sometimes." "I dont know why you bother ever." remarked Vyvyan. "Yeah right." chuckled Rick half-heartedly. GRUNT.
* * *
Neil finally reached the house.
Mohammed had come to the mountain.
* * *
Just as Neil enterd the phone began to ring. "Hey guys! Listen I'v got something AMAZING to tell you..." Rick looked around at him. "Answer the phone Neil!" "What?" "Answer the phone!" "Oh right." Neil made for the telephone and reached it...just as it stopped ringing. "Oh floppy disks." he grunted. "Anyway never mind listen to..." "What d'you mean never mind?" demanded Rick. "That might have been a very important call Neil! God your a complete tea cup arent you?" "Mug Rick." "What? Oh yes sorry damn DAMN!" Neil addressed the students. "Look listen to me right..." "No Neil YOU listen!" snapped Vyvyan. "I'v been waiting here for half an hour. Half a bloody hour Neil being hungry waiting for my tea and listeng to that bogey bum!" (Indicating Rick.) Neil was indignant. "Oh and so thats my fault? Yeah its always my fault! Why didnt you cook your own tea Vyvyan?" the hippy challenged. "Because I do NOT cook the tea Neil. YOU do!!" retorted Vyvyan. "Thats what we agreed when we first came. You do the cooking and I'll look after the plants and the goldfish." "Yeah." said Neil bitterly as he made for the counter. "And what did you make me cook on that first day." "Sausages." "Sausages AND?" Vyvyan sighed. "Sausages and plants and goldfish. I'v discharged my responsibilities Neil now you discharge yours." "Hey Mike!" grinned Rick. "That sounds like a cue for a really dirty joke dos'nt it!" Mike glanced at him. "Shut up Rick." As Rick sulked Neil emptied the dustbin onto the table. The group stared at him. "Whats this Neil?" cried Mike. "Left-overs." "Neil" said Rick trembling with emotion. "I hate you." "Oh yeah thats right pick on me!" said Neil. "I mean I'v already had personality hassles with a complete stranger today..." "Hey theres a dead rat in here!" exclaimed Vyvyan. "GREAT!!" he proceeded to bite the rats head off. "I mean a complete stranger came up to me right and called me smelly!" explained Neil. Looks of total and profound outrage and concern for their fellow student utterly failed to materialise on the others faces. "This complete stranger shouted smelly at me!" Neil bashed on. "I wouldnt have minded if he was standing sevral yards away! I mean come on guys you can tell me truthfully do I smell?" The hippy lifted his armpits for their perusal. "Yes." said Mike. "I mean come on I can handle it do I...what do you mean "yes"?" "We mean yes you smell." offered Vyvyan. "Smelly!" "Great. Yeah great." grumbled Neil as he went about his buisness. Suddenly Rick looked up. "Hands up who likes me!" he cried brightly. "Look here guys." began Mike. "According to the house list the last time we went to the laundret was February...1981. Guys its wash day." "I said hands up who likes..." "RICK! We heard what you said! Now guys theres no avoiding this and I'm not talking about my chopper. We are going to the laundret." "Oh no PLEASE!" cried Vyvyan in dismay. "Oh no not the laundret." groaned Neil dismally. Rick leapt to his feet. He was trembling with rage. Perhapse like the prophet of old he considerd that he did well to be angry. "Why dont you like me?" he demanded. Vyvyan looked up at him. "Because your a complete bastard." he replied. "Now Vyvyan I'm being serious." said Rick sternly. "So am I. Your a complete bastard and we all hate you." Rick chuckled wryly. "I find that rather difficult to believe." "Wanna bet on it?" said Vyvyan. "I'll put down a fiver!" "Yeah me too!" volounteered Neil. "Count me in!" contibuted Mike. "Er..I dont bet." said Rick in what he hoped was a rueful voice. "Coward!" laughed Vyvyan. "Yeah YELLOW CHICKEN!" taunted Neil. "Yeah ok I'm not scared!" said Rick. "Alright everybody." said Vyvyan as they all slapped down their money. "The bets on!" Rick pretended to fumble around in his pockets. "OH! I havent got any money!" he said regretfully. Neil looked at him in puzzlement. "What about that tenner I lent you this morning for your sisters operation?" he asked. Now it was Vyvyans turn to be bewilderd. "You havent got a sister Rick!" he said. "Your the classic example of an only child!" Rick was forced to admit defeat. "Are we gonna bet or are we gonna piffle around all day?" he snarled slapping down Neils tenner. "Right...HANDS UP WHO LIKES ME!!!!" Neil Mike and Vyvyan stuck their hands under the table. Rick only got two votes and they were his own. "DAMN!!" he roared. "Right thats it I'm gonna kill myself! Then you'll be sorry!" "No we wont." snickerd Vyvyan as he tore a tenner in half and handed one piece to Mike. Rick had taken off his belt and was trying unsuccessfully to hang himself from the ceiling. "I feel sorry for you you zeros! YOu nobodies! Whats gonna live on after you die? I'll tell you! Nothing thats what!" Rick gave up and went over to the fridge where he grabbed a jar of pills which he started to cram into his mouth. "Vyvyan" said Neil. "can you like actually kill yourself with laxitive pills?" "I dunno Neil but I'm going to stay and find out." "I think I'm going to go up to my room for a bit." muttered Neil and ran for the stairs cringing away from Rick as he did so. "This house will become a shrine!" cried Rick as he gutted pills. "And punks and skins and rastas will all gather round and hold their hands in sorrow for their fallen leader! And all the adults will say "But why are the kids crying?" and all the kids will say "Havent you heard? Rick is dead! The peoples poet is dead! And then one particularly sensitive and articulat teenager will say "Hey you other kids do you understand nothing? How can Rick be dead when we still have his poems?" and then another kid will say..." BLLLURRRRPPPP!!!!! Just as Rick underwent an embarrassing movement Neil came down stairs again with a look of terror on his face. "Oh wow! Hey you guys one of Vyvyans socks has escaped!"
* * *
"Get back in the sack sock!" roared Vyvyan at the sock he Neil and Mike had cornored and were waving chairs at. - I'm not going back in there! - hissed the sock. - It stinks! - "Vyvyan if you cant keep control of your socks you shant be allowed to have any!" growled Mike. The sock attacked Neil who shrank away in abject fear. "Oh oh oh oh!!! Help I'm being hassled by a killer sock!!!!" Vyvyan grabbed a frying pan and brought it crashing down on the sock repeatedly. CLANG! "KILL!" snarled Neil waving his chair at the sock. CLANG! "KILL!" CLANG! "KILL!" Rick came into the living room and glared at Neil in disgust. "Oh well thats nice talk coming from a vegetarian!" "Socks arent vegetables man they should be wiped out!" "Well I hope your satisfied Dr Neil Goebils." sniffed Rick. "Its dead now." He removed his hat respectfully. Vyvyan took the oppurtunity to hit him with the frying pan. "Right that settles it." said Mike. "We are going to the laundret NOW." "We cant Mike." said Vyvyan. "Why not?" "Because they dont open for another eight hours. Its midnight." "Right we are going up to bed right now." said Mike
* * *
"Come on guys like the sooner we start the sooner we finish." said Neil the next day at the laundret. "Ha!" laughed Rick as he plonked down next to where Vyvyan and Mike were sitting. "They said that about...something that took a long time to finish. Didnt they!" "I hate these places." grunted Vyvyan. "They'r so depressing. You know Michael I would rather go to a lecture than a laundret." "Oh come on Vyvyan dont exaggerate." "Hey!" cried Rick. "I know a joke about that as well! Listen pay attention to me! "I'v told you a million times do not exaggerate!"." Mike and Vyvyan stared at him. "Get on with it Neil." snapped Rick. Neil stuffed the clothes into a washing machine. BLUUUUUUURP! The machine spewed them out again covering the four students with rusty coloured water. "Oh wow!" wailed Neil. "Techno-fear! Its happening again! All the machineries ganging up on me! Vyvyan..." "Outta the way Neil!" snapped Vyvyan. "Me and machinery have a very special understanding!" He took the clothes and put his face close the machine. "Right dont give me any jib ya bastard." The machine door slammed shut. "Oh dear." murmured Vyvyan. "This calls for a very special blend of phsycology and extreme violence." He cleared his throat. "Oh la-di-da! Look what I'v found in my laundry bag! All of Felicity Kendalls under wear! It needs a good wash!" The door flew open again. Rick Neil and Vyvyan lunged at it and held it open. Mike began to read the instructions. "Right makes sure the door is securely clo-Oh no we'v done that! Now fill the machine with powder...What d'they mean "powder"? Curry powder? Cocain? I mean Whats on their minds???" "Maybe they need washing powder Mike." Neil suggested. He looked around for inspiration. "Well look maybe if we like gather all the horrid sludgy stuff from the other machines we can get enough." "Great Neil you carry on. It says "do you require conditioner?". Well do we?" "No Mike." gasped Rick sweaty from his battle with the washing machine door. "Thats just for people washing their hair." "Well we dont want to go mad! Now insert two fifty pence pieces..." Mikes voice trailed off as he realised the one fatal flaw in their plan. Rick Vyvyan and Neil turned to look at him. Pause. Then the four of them turned to stare at the washing machine. If a machine could look smug then this denizen would have made the Chesire cat look like a relative of Neil.
* * *
"C'mon guys." said Neil as they were all gatherd despondantly around the living room table an hour later. "I dont think we should let this experience bring us down. I mean whats so wrong about dirty clothes anyway?" Rick perked up. "Yes. Y'know what they say. "Dirty pants clean butt"." Mike gave a nod of approval. "Dirty duvet dirty mind." he quoted. "Yeah." put in Vyvyan. "My trousers are so old its only the stubborn stains that are holding them together." "One things for sure." said Rick. "When Lenin led the rovoloution in Russia no way did he do it with spotless trouses." "YEAH! I LOVE MY THREADS FILTHY!" cried Vyvyan. "Yeah!" said Neil. "Hey lets like never wash our clothes again!" "Whaddaya mean again??????!!!!!!!" demanded Mike. Neil bashed on regardlessly. "We could be like the dirtiest students in the whole world!" "Hey!" grinned Mike. "Now theres a challenge." The result was explosive. Neil lept up from the table and lunged to the middle of the room. "OH WOW!" he cried. "OH YEAH! HEY I'V JUST REMEMBERD WHAT IT WAS I HAD TO TELL YOU!! WHATS THE TIME?????!!!!!" "Half-past five?" guessed Vyvyan. "That means we have exactly five minutes to get to the station!" "Oh cocka-doodle-doo Neil." sneered Rick. "What ARE you taling about?" "We'v been picked right." said Neil. "To like go on university challenge tonight!"
* * *
"Oh I wish we'd missed the train after all now." mutterd Neil as he poured of his work-file of notes. "I'm just not going to able to answer anything. I just know it." "Oh c'mon Neil ya little swotty-pants." sniggerd Rick who sitting on the other side of the table. "Gawd just look at you! Swotting away for teacher like a total spasmo! God your really just an utter creep arent you Neil? You'v done loads and loads of work for this and I havent done anything! Go on test me!" Neil looked up at him. "What?" "Go on test me!" "You just said you havent done anything." "Stop trying to be clever just take the book." "Alright but probation regurgatation is against my principles." "I'm asking you to test me on it not throw up on it!" Neil looked at Ricks file. "O-level history notes?" "Yeah." grinned Rick. "Bitta bloody brilliant luck eh! We'r doing the exact same subject as I did for O-levels!" Neil noticed a missive scrawled on the cover of the file. "Prick is a wonker signed the rest of the class." There was a momentarty silence. "Ah." chuckled Rick. "Well you see that was a sort of in-joke we had in our class. Actually I was incredibly popular and everybody thought I was great." Neils gaze fell upon a second epitaph. "I agree with the rest of the class signed teacher." Rick ripped the file from his hands opened it at a spot and handed it back to him. "Right." he snapped. "Now do it properly and dont skip bits." Neil began to read. "Crop rotations in the seventeenth century..." "Right." cut in Rick. "Crop rotations in the seventeenth century were much more widespread..." "Considerably." Rick looked at the hippy. "Sorry?" "Its considerably more widespread not much more." explained Neil. Rick looked at him blankly. "Well?" "Well you said do it properly and dont skip bits." "Well not that much you stupid bloody HIPPY!" snapped Rick. "Right! Crop rotations in the seventeenth century were CONSIDERABLY more widespread after...god I know this. Dont tell me!... 1172!" He waited expectantly. Neil just sat there staring at him. "Well?" "You just said not to tell you." "Yes but I only meant for a minute!" "What a minute from now or a minute from then?" "Just shut up and tell me the answer!" "Shut up AND tell you the answer?" "JUST TELL ME THE ANSWER!!!" roared Rick. "John." "John? Crop roatations in the seventeenth century were considerably more widespread after...John?" "After John invented the patent crop roatation." Rick thumped the desk. "Yes! I knew it I bloody knew it!" "No you didnt!" Neil protested. "You said 1172 thats not a bit like John!" Rick broke down in tears. "God you spiteful little bastard Neil!" he howled hysterically. "Just because your a creepy little swot and you'v done about fifteen million tons worth of work just like a girl and just because I'm so hard and suave and cool that I'v done absolutely bugger all! And look at it!" He began to rip Neils notes into pieces. "And loads and loads and loads and loads!!!!" he wept. Neil slapped him across the face. "Stop it Rick!" he cried. "Its only university challenge Rick! Its only university challenge!" As Rick calmed down Mike and Vyvyan returned from the buffet and sat down. Vyvyan handed Rick a paper cup and held out his hands. "Four quid Rick." "Four pounds for an empty paper cup?" sniffed Rick. "Well it HAD sugar in it." Rick sighed and handed over a five pound note which Vyvyan proceeded to rip in half and hand one half of to Mike. "Who are we playing anyway?" Mike wonderd aloud. "Footlights university college." said Neil. "Its gonna be like really heavy and tough." "Well I'v done my revision." said Vyvyan giving a book to Mike. Mike looked at the book. "The Daily Mirror book of facts. Did you know?" "Really?" gasped Neil grabbing the book and opening it. "Do you think thats where they get the questions from?" He read aloud from it. "The world record for stuffing marshmallows up one nostril..." "Tokstov Ogrady USA." said Vyvyan matter-of-factly. "The world stickiest bogey..." "Thats Tokstov again." "The worls stupidest bottom burp Vyvyan Britain." cackled Rick. "It say Rick here." Neil contradicted him. Rick grabbed the book and stared at it incredulously. Vyvyan got to his feet. "I'm off to stuff loads and loads of paper down the toilet." he informed the others as he walked off. "I'v often wonderd who did that..." murmured Mike. Then the train came to a halt and they were nearly hurled to the floor. "Oh good heavens what now?" growled Rick. "Someone must ahve pulled the communications cord." said Mike. "Well it wasnt me matey!" laughed Rick. "If British rails want fifty pounds the can just about bloody well run out and become a prostitute! Which they virtually are anyway come to think of it! Right commutas?!!"
* * *
"Oh god!" snarled Rick as the gang stood by the road trying to hitch a lift. He gave Vyvyan a withering glare. "If you hadnt pulled that communications cord that man would never have thrown us off the train!" "Rick he threw us off the train because you said that Aslav was an anagram for "total and complete bastard"." Mike ammended. "Apart from that it isint even." mutterd Neil. "Oh shut up Neil." growled Rick. "If you hadnt been born then we wouldnt even be here because there'd only be three of us and three isint enough to go on university challenge so its your fault!" "Will everyone relax?" inquired Mike. "It dos'nt matter what time we get there. I know Bambi. I helped him get the Babisham advert." Neil was impressed. "Really? Oh wow. Do you think they really make it out of babies?" "Oh bloody hell!" wailed Rick. "It must be about two hundred miles to manchester and I bet we'v got to walk the whole bloody way!" "What are you talking about Rick?" retorted Mike. "I'm the greatest hitchhiker in the galaxy!"
* * *
"See told ya!" said Mike as they arrived at the TV studio. "Hang on." growled the security guard as arrived in the lobbey. "You were supposed to be here two weeks ago!" "Yeah but we had to like walk the last two hundred miles." grumbled Neil. "We sent a telegraph message." said Mike. "Didnt you get it?" "We did get a message yeah." the guard took out a sheet of paper and read it out to the lads. "Beep beep beep. Oh no heavy the coins keep coming out. Beep beep beep. Even the telephone hates me. Beep beep beep. I wish there were no machines and we all led a pastoroul existence. Beep beep beep. Carrots and turnips dont deliberately mock you and go like beep in your ear." "Thats our message." affirmed Neil. "Didnt you get it?" The secrity guard sighed. I'm too good for this he thought. Vyvyan entered the lobbey. He was carrying a large pig in his arms. "Hang on whats that?" exclaimed the guard. "Its my mascot." replied Vyvyan. "A pig???" "NO!" "Yes it is!" "No its not. Its a ferret. A severely deformed ferret I grant you that. So severely deformed in fact that it looks a little bit like a pig." "It looks exactly like a pig!" "Yes well it certainly has been remarked upon. In fact Bacon Sandwhich here is known as the Pig Ferret." "Bacon Sandwhich?" mused the guard. "Funny name for a ferret innit?" "AHA!!" laughed Vyvyan. "And thats where I had you fooled! Its not a ferret its a pig!" "Nice one Vyvyan!" laughed Mike. "Yeah!" chuckled Rick. "Have ya had enough Nazi or d'ya want some more?!!" - Thats nothing - thought Bacon Sandwhich. - Someone called me a policeman the other day - Just then a tall man in white wandered into the room. "Oh." he said. "I see that the Scum Bag University reps are here! Well then..." "Bambi Bambi!" cried Mike clapping the man on the back. "My main man! Good t'see ya! You'v lost a lot of fur since I last saw you and your walking on two legs now but still the same old Bambi!" Neil sniffed and began to sob. "Shut Neil!" hissed Rick. "Shut up! Whats the matter?" "I'm sorry everbody." wept Neil. "I'm sorry Bambi. I'm just remembering the bit where you got lost in the snow and the little rabbit found you. It was so beautiful." "Yeah!" grinned Vyvyan fiendishly. "I loved the bit where you shoved the drill into the virgin otters face!" "That wasnt in Bambi Vyvyan!" cried the outraged Neil. "It was in the sequel Neil." snapped Vyvyan. "Bambi goes crazy bonkers with his drill and sex." There was a pause. The bottom of Neils life seemed to fall out as lie after lie about his main inspiration was shattered. The hippy glared at the man who he had respected admired and looked up to for all these years. "Is that true Bambi?" he demanded "Did you do a Disney nasty?" "What if I did?" sniffed Bambi. "I'm not apologising. My life just collapsed after Bambi. I was a lovable fawn alright. I did the Babycham commercials and when the porn version of Bambi came along I thought "Hey this is where I get something back". If it wasnt for the chance to host University Challenge I would have been giving executive relief to this very day." There was a slight pause. "So." said Rick folding his arms. "Are you going to let us win?" Bambi looked at him. "No of course not the posh kids will win. They always do. Come on the shows about to start." As they were led away Vyvyan left Bacon Sandwhich in the security guards hands.
* * *
"Down there we have the reps from Footlights Oxford." Bambi addressed the audience. "RA RA RA! WE'R GOING TO SMASH THE OIKS!" roared the Footlights supporters. "Yes thats the spirit. And up there we have Scum bag university represented by Mike Vyvyan Prick..." "WHAT???!!!" "...and Neil." "Vegetable rights and peace!" said Neil giving the audience the peace sign. The crowd booed and hissed. "Right now lets begin." said Bambi taking out the question cards. "Fingers on buzzers. Now who said..." BUZZ! "Scum bag university-Neil." "Umm...Can I go to the toilet please?" asked the hippy. "No I'm afraid your barking up the wrong tree there. Now where was..." BUZZ! "Battle of Bannockburn!" said one of the footlights reps. "Yes that was very well anticipated there. Footlights up by a hundred points." Bambi took out another question card. "Who said..." BUZZ! "Scum bag university-Neil." "Umm sorry to like hussle you Bambi but I do need to go the toilet really badly!" Bambi chose to pass that over with the contempt it deserved. "Who said "Lawks o lordy my bottoms on fire!"?" "Oh no guys I'm going to have to like wee on Lord Snotts head..." BUZZ! "Lenin!" cried a Footlights rep. "Well I'll accept that though the exact answer is Joan of Ark. Footlights up by three hundred points." BUZZ! "Scum bag university-Vyvyan." All eyes went to Vyvyan who was trying to take his buzzer apart with a pen knife. He looked up and stared back. "What?" he inquired. Bambi hurriedly plucked out a third question card. "What is the chemical equasion of..." BUZZ! "I'v got a porshe." giggled a female Footlights rep. "Well thats not the answer but I knew your father so Footlights up by six hundred points." "Daddy sends his hugs!" Bambi collected a third question card. "Who is the..." "I'm completely bloody sick of this!" roared Vyvyan. He kicked a hole in the platform and introduced a Footlight reps head to his foot. The rep hit the deck. "Give us some easy ones Bambi ya big bottom burp!!" "Now I'm going to have to hurry you for an answer." plunged on Bambi. "Who is the richest man in the world?" "Its me is'nt it?" inquired a Footlights rep. "I'm afraid not. Your fathers multi-million collapsed only this morning." "Damn!" cried Rick. "We'r getting thrashed! We'r getting completely thrashed! Is'nt there some way we can CHEAT?!!" "Look guys its beginning to seep out..." "Its very simple Neil." snapped Mike. "Use the jug." He emptied the jug onto Lord Snott and handed it to Neil. "Now Vyvyan." hissed Mike. Vyvyan took out a hand grenade. "Armaggedon!!!" He threw the grenade downwards... KAAAAABOOOOOOM!!!!!!!! When the smoke cleared up there was no sign of the Footlights reps. "Next question." said Bambi. "What is the record number of marshmallows stuffed up one nostril?" BUZZ! "Scum bag-Mike." "Five hundred and twenty three Tokstov Ogrady USA." stated Mike calmly. Vyvyan gave a roar of fury. "I told you that Mike you bloody cheat!" "Correct. Two hundred points. The worlds stickiest bogy?" "Tokstov again Bambi." "Correct. Five hundred points." "You bum bag!" exploded Vyvyan apalled. "And the final question for a thousand points to take you into the lead...who's been tampering with my question cards?" BUZZ! "IT WAS ME!!" cried Rick proudly. "IT WAS ME!!!!!!" Then he realised his fatal blunder. "DAMN!! DAMN!!!!!" The crowd began to boo and hiss. "Turn the fire extinguishers on them!" Bambi called down to the security guards. The next half-hour was very exciting for the four students.