"But I still dont see why we had to paint the coffin dig the grave and everything else." grumbled Vyvyan as he Mike Neil and Rick carried the coffin through the mist bound grave yard at midnight.
"Well we sorta responsible for him being in this condition in the first place." offered Neil.
"Liberal!" snapped Vyvyan.
"Oh you should have seen me at the undertakers Mike!" cackled Rick. "I made all these marvelous jokes about the undertaker coming around to measure my stiffy!"
"I thought that we should have like some kinda floral tribute." said Neil. "But all I could find was this carrot. I also thought up a sermon. It goes: Sorry everything being a bummer what whith you dying and everything. Still it might have been worse. You might have been me and ended up having a really bad time all the time."
"Thats very touching Neil." Mike approved.
"When my hamster finds out you'v pinched his carrot he's gonna kill you Mcikey." remarked Vyvyan. "I didnt know that he eats carrots." "He dosnt EAT carrots Neil! He sticks them down his underpants to impress the girls!" They had reached the grave by now. Exerted they dropped the coffin to the ground. An old woman walked past them. She stopped in front of Neil. "Do you dig graves?" she asked. "Yeah." nodded the hippy. "They'r alright." "Do you? Well I think they'r wonderful!" They watched as she strolled off. A man in a white robe arrived. "Hullo. I'm the vicar." "Well you'd have to be." retorted Vyvyan. "Otherwise you'd look a right girly in that dress!" The vicar poked Vyvyan in the eye. Then he took out a flask and opened it. The smell of absinthe greeted the students. "Blimey its a bit early for that isint it?" asked Rick. "God your right." the vicar threw the flask away and produced a hymn book. "Right. Ashes to ashes..." "Funk to funky!" sang Rick. "We know major Toms a junkie..." He got no further as the vicar grabbed hold of him by the front of his coat and head-butted him in the face. Rick fell dazed backwards into the grave. It took a moment for him to recover his composure and cry out. "Help! I'v just fallen into a grave!" "Brilliant!" exclaimed Vyvyan grabbing a shovel. "Lets fill it in!" Neil was shocked at his comrades calluos disregard for Ricks well being. "No!" he exclaimed. "We cant bury Rick alive!" Vyvyan considered this for a moment. "Thats absolutely correct Neil." he affirmed. "We'd better kill him first!" Vyvyan lifted his shovel and brought it crashing down on Ricks head. Suprisingly however Rick felt very little. Perhapse there was very little in it to be damaged. As Rick managed to haul himself out of the pit two men came tearing up. The first of the men gave them an unpleasant glare. "Whats all this?" he demanded. "Where'd you get your digging permit?" "Where'd you get all this gear from?" snapped the second man. "Yeah. If any holes get dug around here they get dug by..." The mans voice trailed off as he caught sight of something. "Whats this camera???" he asked nervously. "Is this for a laugh?" "Have you killed someone as a prank?" giggled the second man. "No we bloody havent!" snarled Rick as he rubbed his head. "Would mind buggering off now this is a serious funeral!" "No." said the first man. "C'mon tell us whats going on." "Well." Said Vyvyan as they all sat down. "It's a long story..."
* * *
"Neil!" called Rick as he exited the bathroom in his robe. "The bathrooms free unlike the country under the Thatcherite junter!" He broke off as he saw Neil sitting by the door. "What'r are you doing there Neil?" "Queing." "How long have you been there?" "Thirty years." Rick glared at him suspiciously. "You'v been listening havent you Neil?" he demanded. "You'v been listening to what Iv been doing in the bath! Is this how you get your kicks these days? It is isint it ya little pervy!" "I wasn't listening Rick." Neil retorted. "Anyway what were you doing?" Slight pause. "I wasn't doing anything!" exclaimed Rick defensively. "Then I couldn't have heard anything could I?" "And anyway Neil." Sneered Rick. "Don't think that Vyvyan Mike and I don't know exactly what you get up to in there! So I wouldn't go spilling the beans if I was you!" Neil looked up sharply. "Whadda you know about the beans?" he cried in alarm. "Exactly." Rick went to leave and then turned back. "What beans???" "Er nothing." Said Neil hastily as he entered the bathroom. "Ha ha no beans!"
* * *
"Your video machine is now ready for use." Mike read from the manual. "Happy viewing." "Ha ha!" laughed Vyvyan as he inserted the final wire. "They wouldn't say that if they knew what video we'v got!" Mike picked up the remote and pushed the "play" button. Absolutely nothing happened. "Well they don't call this a new era in entertainment." remarked Mike. "No." agreed Vyvyan. "I call it very very DULL!" "Well maybe you shouldn't have poured all that washing up liquid into it." "But it says ensure that you machine is clean and free from dust." "Yeah but it dosnt say ensure that your machine is full of washing up liquid." "Well it dosnt say ensure that your machine ISINT full of washing up liquid!" "Well it wouldn't would it?" snapped Mike crabbily. "I mean it dosnt say ensure you chop up your machine with an axe put all the bits in a plastic bag and bung them down the lavatory!" "Dosnt it?" said Vyvyan grabbing the VCR and making for the stairs. "Well maybe that's where we'r going wrong." "Put that down!" exclaimed Mike. "I'm minding that for Harry the Bastard!" "Who's he?" asked Vyvyan replacing the video. "A gangster?" "No he's the bloke who works at Rumbleos."
* * *
"Vyvyan!" Rick called said to his bedroom door. "I KNOW your in my bedroom plotting one of your desperately adult practical jokes so anything ghastly that happens to me when I walk in isint funny at all!" Rick threw the door open and flung his arms in front of him protectively. Nothing. Rick opened his eyes to see no one standing in front of him. Then realisation dawned. He swung the door shut and cringed. Large double-headed axed death failed to happen to him. Bewildered Rick turned... His eyes fell upon the bed. Rick tore off the bed sheet and flung himself back out of harms way. But it was as it turned out unessesary. There was absolutely no one concealed under the sheets. "Maybe he's ill." sniffed Rick. Then a look of madness came into his eyes. He took out a pen knife and lifted a corner of the carpet revealing a loose plank. Rick levered the plank up and took a magazine out of the hidey hole beneath. With a devilish grin Rick opened the magazine and flung himself onto the bed. BUZZZZ! A buzz-saw appeared through the wall triggered by the weight on the bed. The saw traveled down the bed towards...
"AAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"
* * *
"Whats that sound?" inquired Mike.
"Oh its probably Rick doing a bit of reading."
* * *
"Ha ha ha!" cackled Rick as he finished nailing the last plank on Vyvyans bedroom door. "Try getting outta that so-called-Vyvyan!"
* * *
With Vyvyan out of the picture Rick walked down to the living room and opened The magazine. "Hello Rick." said Mike . Rick jumped and then hurriedly concealed the mag. "He listen Mike." He sniggered. "I'v just nailed up Vyvyan in his bedroom! He'll be in for a shock when he wakes up for his nine-o-clock tutorial!" "Finished Mike." Reported Vyvyan from the other side of the room. Rick stared at him blankly. Then the moment of confusion passed and he gave a roar of fury. "Vyvyan! You utter BASTARD!!! Why arent you in your bedroom?!!" "Cos I'm not going to bed tonight." "What do you mean your not going to bed tonight?! How DARE you not go to bed tonight?! I go to all the trouble of boarding you up in your room and you havent even got the common decency to be in there!" "Don't worry Rick it wouldn't have worked anyway." consoled the punk. "And why not pray?" "Cos I swapped rooms with Neil. Well I HAD to. I was sick all over my bed." "Well look here matey your going straight up to your room and your going to pull all the planks off the door and nail yourself in..." Pause. "What d'you mean your not going to bed tonight???" "Mike and I are going to induldge in an all night orgy of sex and violence." Vyvyan explained. "What...In the middle of the drawing room???" "First" said Vyvyan scanning a video cover. "we'r gonna have sex with the headless corpse and the virgin astronaut." "Ugh...wont the carpet get awfully sticky?" "It's a video nasty!" "It's a carpet farty!" "The only problem is we cant get the bastard to work." growled Mike. "Well I'm not surprised if he's dead!" snapped Rick. "Not the astronaut the video!" Rick stared and then... "Oh!" he exclaimed. "Have we got a video???!!!" "Yes we'v got a video!" snarled Vyvyan. Rick gave them both a suspicious look. "Wait a minute where did you get it from?" "Well don't spred it around but I know this guy..." "What and you borrowed it from him?" "Yeah more or less." Said Vyvyan as he opened the manual again. "We just signed a few forms..." Mike took over on Vyvyans behalf. "Told them about our friend..." Vyvyan went on brushing off Mikes offer of help. "Slipped back to get his birth cerificate to prove his age..." bashed on Mike determined to assist the punk whether he liked it or not. "Except they'v given us a dud!" snapped Vyvyan triumphing in his verbal battle with Mike. "Oh give me that!" exclaimed Rick grabbing the manual. He stared at the cover and then... "Vyvyan this is for a toaster!"
* * *
Meanwhile in a small wooden the middle of a forest not far from the house Rosco Wilco was playing chess with his partner Ruffles. Suddenly the door burst open to the chill of fall. Oscar burst in and collapsed to the ground clutching his chest. There was a bullet wound in his gut. Rosco looked around and acknowledged his comrades presence. "Some people always have to make a dramatic entrance don't they?" he grunted. "I think he's been shot Rosco." remarked Ruffles. Rosco got to his feet. "You know what this means don't you?" "No what?" "I'm going to have to close the door myself." Rosco got up and closed the door. Oscar reared up on the floor. "Rosco!" he gasped in agony. "You'v got to get to Geneva!" Rosco turned and looked at him. "He's bleeding all over the floor." observed Ruffles. "Look I'v just washed this floor." Rosco told his grounded friend. Oscar grabbed Rosco by the front of his shirt and pulled him down. "You'v got to go to Geneva tonight!" he cried. "Ask for Neil!" he pushed a folded up piece of paper into Rosco's hand. "Look I'll never remember this." said Rosco turning to Ruffles. "Give me a pen. Oh I have one here! Well give a piece of paper." "HURRY! STAY CALM!" screamed Oscar. "Harry? He's that comedian isint he? Harry...whats his..." "HURRY!!!!!!!!" "Alright I'm not made of paper!" snapped Rosco. "I'm not a cheque!" There was a pause. Then Rosco and Ruffles started laughing about this observation. "A cheque." giggled Ruffles. "Good one!" "GO TO GENEVA!" cried Oscar. "Neils phone number is on that paper." Oscar started to breath heavily at this point. "May...god...go...with...you..." he whispered and then went very very still. "Yeah I know that." nodded Rosco. "But how am I going to get to Geneva by tonight? Who's going to pay for the ticket? C'mon give me that paper." Ruffles handed him slip of paper. Rosco turned to Oscars inert form. "Whats the message?" "He's dead." "How do you spell it?" "No he's dead!" Rosco realised what all this boiled down to and sobred up. He got up and looked gravely at his friend and partner. "We'll have to get a line to Scotland yard Ruffles. They'r going to have to answer this question once and for all." He turned to the phone and picked up the receiver.
* * *
"That thing started yet?" grunted Mike as he unravelled the video tape and inspected it. "Give it a chance Mike." Muttered Rick as he tried to get the video working. "Yeah!" agreed Vyvyan. "We'v made some toast!" RING! The telephone called for attention. "Oh lordy lordy!" snapped Rick jumping to his feet. "Who could that be phoning us up at this hour?" "Well maybe someones died!" "Oh you mean one of our relatives? Yeah that's true." Rick walked over to the bottom of the stairs and called up. "Neil! TELEPHONE!"
* * *
Neil woke up from his drowze in the bath tub. He acknowledged Ricks call. "Wheres the light switch?" he muttered turning and stepping out of the tub... and through the window.
* * *
"PUSH THAT BUTTON!" Rick roared at Vyvyan. "I AM PUSHING IT!" snarled Vyvyan as he hammered the "on" switch with a claw hammer. "Well your doing it wrong! Your supposed to use your hands!" "What like this??????!!!!!!!!!" Vyvyan punctuated his inquiry by smacking Rick around the head. Hard. Neil appeared in the doorway clutching a flower pot over his bare essentials. He grabbed the phone from the receiver. "Hello? I dunno I'll ask." Neil turned and addressed his alledged friends. "Does anyone know a short comedian? Harry something?" "Yes." affirmed Mike. Neil turned back to the telephone. "Yes we do." he replied before slamming the receiver down. Mike turned around and looked at him. "Hey Neil your filthy! Go and have a bath!" "I'v just had one! Its amazing just how dirty you can get answering the phone..." Rick jumped to his feet. "Hey everybody listen!" he snickered. "It was probably a dirty phone call!" Vyvyan grabbed Rick by the collar and pulled him down very close to his face. "Shut up or I'll KILL you!!!" he snapped. Rick was released. "Oh touche Vyvyan!" he sneered. "What devastating reportoire! Talk about Oscar Wilde!" "Oh alright." Neil obliged. "Oscar Wilde was one of the greatest comedians of the sixteenth century who was persecuted for his homosexuality..." "Shut up Neil." growled Rick slapping the hippys face. "...because in that time the law was..." SLAP! "Shut up!" Neil was indignant. "Oh yeah be like that Rick!" "Be like what exactly doctor Neil? Be like what?!!" "Be like a complete and utter drag and bring everything down in the whole world!" Rick knew just the cutting remark to shut the hippy up one and for all. "What you mean like your trousers?????!!!!!!!" he cried gleefully. Neil was utterly mortified. "Don't you dare say that Rick!" he cried strickenly. "Flares are coming back in! I read it in my horoscopes!" "Yeah!" grinned Vyvyan. "How DARE he say that Neil! Smash his face in!!!" Rick laughed at the idea. "Look I'm not into violence or anything Rick" cried Neil grabbing a frying pan from the table. "but I really am going to smash your face in!" "Oh bloody hell!" exclaimed Rick retreating behind the table as Neil advanced on him. Then he noticed it. "Neil...how are you keeping that flower pot up???" Neil was overcome with embarassment. He dropped the frying pan and slunk off to his room. Mike Rick and Vyvyan watched him go. * * * "Why wont this sodding video work?" snarled Vyvyan as he finally gave up. "Hey!" cried Rick. "I'v just had a revoloutionary idea!" "What is it?" "Lets invade Russia and seize control of the states!" KABOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!! The front door was blown off its hinges and the debris was sprayed all over the room giving it a second coat. Rick sighed in exasperation. "Oh no." he lamented. "The front doors exploded." Mike turned and glared at Vyvyan. "Vyvyan!" "Vyvyan Vyvyan Vyvyan!" snapped Vyvyan. "Honestly whenever something goes wrong in this house its always blame Vyvyan!" "Well who do you suggest we blame?" retorted Mike. "Thatcher!" suggested Rick. "No." said Vyvyan. "Blame whoever rang the doorbell. Because they obviously triggered the bomb I set up." "What bomb???" "Well I thought the doorbell was getting a bit old so you know I thought I'd pep it up a bit!" "Well I call it totally irresponsible!" cried Rick. "Fancy coming and ringing the doorbell at this time of night. Then a grin appeared on Ricks face. "Hey." He snickered. "I bet that whoever it is will be pretty shocked when they find us still up!" A blackened figure entered the room. He had a ginger beard and was wearing a postmans hat and uniform. "Cough cough!" he cried. "Splutter! Cor an exploding front door! Stone the crows the missus will never believe this un!" "What do you want?" asked Rick. "I have a parcel under the name of Mr J.Biloski." "Piss off posty!"! snapped Vyvyan. "Sign here." the postman held an order form out to Mike and then yanked it away. "Much obliged I'm sure. And now (Boom.) here (Boom.) is (Boom.) your (Tadaay!) package." The postman lugged in a large parcel and then left. "A package from Transalvania!" said Rick as he Vyvyan and Mike inspected the parcel. "How strange!" "Its probably a consignment of very hard drugs." said Vyvyan matter-of-factly. "Why does it say fragile then?" "Thats probably Transalvanian for very hard drugs!" Just as they were returning to the video Neil appeared at the foot of the stairs. He was wearing a blue checked dress. "Alright!" he said. "Everyone listen to me. Everyone in the house listen to me!" "Shut up Neil!" snapped Mike. "We'r busy with the video." "Yeah shut up Neil!" grinned Rick. "We'v got videos to talk about havent we Mike?" "Well actually I'v got something to tell you which I think you'll find really interesting." "Why are you wearing that dress Neil?" inquired Vyvyan. "Thats what I'v got to tell you about." "Well we dont want to know." retorted Mike. "Yes." agreed Rick who had gone pale. "Who wants to hear about a silly old dress?" "Well I do." Vyvyan said inspecting the dress. "Well" Neil began "I couldn't get any of my clothes because some really selfish negative vibe merchant has boarded up my bed room. So I like went into Ricks bed room and the only thing I could find there clothes-wise was this dress." "Ah..." Rick licked the sweat off his lips nervously.Then he reared up dramatically."Oh oh!" he eclaimed "So you'v taken to rooting around other peoples bedrooms Neil! So you'v taken to rooting around other peoples bedrooms and planting evidence of transvestisism so as to topple me from my position as most popular member of the flat! Well it wont work! I'v never seen that dress before in my life!""Well its got your name tag on it Rick." Vyvyan pointed out."But its not mine! Its not mine!" cried Rick almost in tears. "What would I want with a dress? Here I'v got money! Take money!""I think we should tell the pigs." Remarked Neil. "Yeah!""I hate to say anything negative but no." said Mike. "If the police come round here they'll grab hold of our nasties." "Oh!""The videos!"Neils eyes widened."Oh! Have we got a video???""If anyone else asks me that question" growled Vyvyan. "I am personally going to stick their head through the window." "Vyvyan?""Yes Neil?""Have we got a video?" "Right." Vyvyan got up "Come this way Neil."They walked into the kitchen where Vyvyan tore the window out of its pane.He then proceeded to shatter it over Neils head."I still don't understand. Does that mean we'v got one or not? I'm getting really confused today..."
* * *
"Ohhhhhh! Too much! Oh can I have a go on it please?" begged Neil. A brilliant idea hit Vyvyan Rick and Mike all at the same time.They grinned fiendishly at each other."Yes. As long as you are very very careful." Said Mike. "yeah" agreed Vyvyan "Cos at the moment Neil it happens to be in complete working order!""And if you touch it and it doesn't work that means that you'v broken it and you'v got to pay." Cackled Rick."Oh anything! Oh wow!" Breathed Neil as he picked up a video and made for the machine.Vyvyan Mike and Rick stood behind him and held out there hands expectantly.Neil looked up."But it isint plugged in. Have we got an extention?""Yeah the kitchen." Mike replied."No I mean an extention cord. This doesn't reach.""Oh GOD!!" Vyvyan walked out through the front door. A moment later he reappeared outside the window.He proceeded to push the wall. With a grunt the wall began to shift and move forwards and into the house. When the wall was close enough for Neil to plug the video in Vyvyan stopped pushing.He stepped in through the window.Rick watched him in disgust as he sat down on the couch."Oh that's right Vyvyan yeah! If Mohammed wont come to the mountain smash the living room to pieces! That's very Buddhist isint it?"Vyvyan picked up a video cover used it to smack Ricks head and then dropped it again.Neil plugged in the video...and then wished that he hadnt.Bright blue bolts of electricity proceeded to flood out of the cable and into the hippies body. Neil stood quite still unable to move parylised by the electric shocks he was receiving courtsey of the frayed wire.The video buzzed into life and the face of a woman wearing a pair of devil-horns appeared on the screen.The othr students sat on the couch and began to watch the video. "perfectly excellent Neil." Mike congratulated the hippy. "Don't move a muscle!"The woman on the screen went on to talk about a special pain-killer called pain-away. She spoke about it as if it was the best thing since Cliff Richards wrote Summer Holiday.Then she vanished and the screen was still again.Neil had summoned sufficient strength to let go of the cable. He stood there panting. His normally long and dangly hair was now standing up on end.Mike flung down the remote."Neil!" he roared."I was watching that you selfish bastard!" snarled Vyvyan."Honestly Neil I'm utterly sick of you and all you stand for!" cried Rick."Look..." cried Neil pointing at the area behind them.They all turned.They stared at what they saw.The package they had received earlier had been torn open.Standing in its place still partially covered in wrapping paper was a tall pale skinned man.He was wearing a black opera cape and two of his front teeth were especially long and pointed.The man smiled eerily at the four students."Greetings from Transalvani." He said politely.He spoke with a solid accent.It took a few moments for Neil Vyvyan Mike and Rick to regain their composure and to figure out a plan of how to deal with this new hazard.All four of them came up with exactly the same plan. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "It's a vampire!" cried Mike leaping off the couch."In the parcel!" exclaimed Vyvyan folllowing suit."In the kitchen!" screamed Rick following their example."Hate mail..." murmured Neil who was already standing."Whadda we do?!!""Only pop music can save us now!" cried Rick.
* * *
After failing to come up with a plan they had fled up the stairs and hidden behind the bathroom door.The vampire had fallen for it and they now had him trapped in the bathroom."Take it easy!" snarled Vyvyan through the door. "I'v got a crucifix and I'm not afraid to use it!""Yeah watch it vamp!" said Neil who held a tube of Jiff in his hand. "You'r messing with the big boys now!"Mike walked up onto the landing."Alright I'v contacted the Dogs eat cats home." He told them. "They wouldn't take him.""Hey!" grinned Rick. "You should have tried the Dogs eat BATS home!""Don't be so flippant Rick!" snapped Mike."Cos you see with him being a vampire...""Don't be so flippant!""Well it's a word play joke and...""Don't be flippant!""ALRIGHT!! Alright forget it!"There was a pause as they all pondered the situation. "Neil..." Rick began after a while had passed. "What does 'messing with the big boys' entail?""This." The hippy squeezed the tub.A long white worm sprung from it.It spattered over Ricks shirt and then slithered to the ground unimpressively.An even longer silence."I know!" exclaimed Vyvyan. "Why don't we BITE him to death?!!"But the vampire was listening from inside the bathroom."No you cant bite me!" he called out. "I'm Transalvanian!""Hey I'v got it!" Neil came up trumps. "Why don't we lock him in the toilet?" The other three stared speechlessly at him.None of them had expected their salvation from this crisis to have come from the one they had scorned and looked at with disfavour for all these years.Mike realised that he would think differently of Neil from now on.Then the one fatal flaw in the hippies logic occurred to him."Neil we HAVE locked him in the toilet!" "Oh...well it was a good idea wasn't it?"Something occurred to Rick. "Erm...Mike?" he asked nervously. "What happens when one of us wants to...spend a penny? I mean...He'll be able to see us wont he???"The vampire called out again."This has all been a terrible mistake!" he cried. "I am not a vampire! I am a driving instructor from Johanasburg!""A driving instructor from Johanasburg? Prove it!" challenged Vyvyan."How?""Ok...What should you NEVER do in a box-junction?""In a box-junction you should never neglect to check your rear view mirror.""Ah...true. Ok what should you do when approaching a hump-backed bridge?""When approaching a hump-backed bridge you should stop and look out of the back window. Then if nobodies looking you should grab the virgin and rip out her...""AH-HA!!!" sneered Vyvyan. "Gotcha! Driving instructor my ass! You're a vampire and theres NO denying it!""I'v got it!" said Mike clicking his fingers. "We'v gotta drive a stake through his heart!""Brilliant!" said Vyvyan. "I'll get my car!"He ran downstairs."I'll get a stake." said Neil.They all ran downstairs.Once there Neil opened the fridge-door and looked into it."Oh no. We havent got a stake! All we'v got is this vegetarian sausage!" he cried in dismay.There was a crumbling sound and bricks and plaster flew everywhere as the living room wall caved in as Vyvyan drove his Ford into the room."Ok I'v got the car. Wheres the stake?"There was a scream from upstairs and Rick raced into the room.His face was as white as a sheet."The vampires escaped from the little persons room!" he screamed."I don't see what all the fuss is about." Remarked Vyvyan. "Vampires only attack virgins."There was a dead silence.So heavy a silence that you could have cut it with a bread knife.Mike licked the sweat off his lips."Well." He said forcing himself to muster a wane smile. "I'm not worried for myself. Its Rick and Neil I'm concerned for actually.""WHAT!" laughed Rick nervously. "Rick a virgin?! HA! Just ask the foxy chicks who owe me favours..." "Well if Ricks not a virgin then I'm not either!" announced Neil. Vyvyan smirked."Well we'r gonna find out soon arent we? Cos the vampires gonna know and if anyones attacked then we'll know that they'r a sissy virgin."A thought occurred to him.The idea made him pause. "God..." he muttered to himself. "I hope snogging with my hamster counts...""He's gonna get us!" wailed Neil. "He's turn us all into vampires! And we'll be dead and yet still alive like Lenin Cowen!" Rick made one last-ditch attempt to save himself."Mr vampire!" he cried up the stairs. "Don't bite me! I'm horrid! I'm covered in acne! Bite Neil he's strawberry flavoured!""We have only one chance." Said Mike. "We all gotta lose our virginity!" "But HOW Mike? OH NO! BAGS NOT RICK!!!!""BAGS NOT Vyvyan!!!!!!""BAGS NOT...Neil?" the hippy floundered.The vampire appeared at the bottom of the stairs.Everyone cowered behind the couch. "Alright." Said the vampire. "Who's first? My god! What a choice!""Right! out the window everyone!" screamed Mike.Vyvyan ripped the curtains away from the window.Daylight flooded into the room.The vampire gave a howl of agony as the holy rays played over him."Oh no! I forgot about the difference between here and Transalvania!"He fell backwards and into something else that had fallen out of the parcel. It was a coffin.Mike Vyvyan and Rick ran over to the coffin slammed the lid down and nailed it shut.
* * *
"so you see we have in fact stayed up for the entire night." Said Rick. "Now that's what I call ANARCHY!"He lit up a fag.The last one in the packet.How very appropriate."And we never did get to watch the video." Remarked Vyvyan as he shifted his weight on the coffin.Mike gave a gasp of shock."Oh no the video! If we don't get it back to Harry the Bastard by half past five we'll owe him twenty five quid!" "Oh. Have you got a video?" asked one of the grave diggers. "YES!!! WE'V-GOT-A-VIDEO!!!!!" roared Vyvyan."What time is it?"The vicar looked at his watch."Half past five."Suddenly they were all flung to the ground as the coffin lid swung open and the vampire leapt out."AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!"But the vampire instead of attacking them took of his teeth and mask.The face of one of the Biloski clan members was revealed."HARRY THE BASTARD!!!!" everyone exclaimed. "The very same." Sneered Harry. "And you lot owe me twenty five quid."There was apause."Well!" everyone said. "What a complete bastard!"
"Well we sorta responsible for him being in this condition in the first place." offered Neil.
"Liberal!" snapped Vyvyan.
"Oh you should have seen me at the undertakers Mike!" cackled Rick. "I made all these marvelous jokes about the undertaker coming around to measure my stiffy!"
"I thought that we should have like some kinda floral tribute." said Neil. "But all I could find was this carrot. I also thought up a sermon. It goes: Sorry everything being a bummer what whith you dying and everything. Still it might have been worse. You might have been me and ended up having a really bad time all the time."
"Thats very touching Neil." Mike approved.
"When my hamster finds out you'v pinched his carrot he's gonna kill you Mcikey." remarked Vyvyan. "I didnt know that he eats carrots." "He dosnt EAT carrots Neil! He sticks them down his underpants to impress the girls!" They had reached the grave by now. Exerted they dropped the coffin to the ground. An old woman walked past them. She stopped in front of Neil. "Do you dig graves?" she asked. "Yeah." nodded the hippy. "They'r alright." "Do you? Well I think they'r wonderful!" They watched as she strolled off. A man in a white robe arrived. "Hullo. I'm the vicar." "Well you'd have to be." retorted Vyvyan. "Otherwise you'd look a right girly in that dress!" The vicar poked Vyvyan in the eye. Then he took out a flask and opened it. The smell of absinthe greeted the students. "Blimey its a bit early for that isint it?" asked Rick. "God your right." the vicar threw the flask away and produced a hymn book. "Right. Ashes to ashes..." "Funk to funky!" sang Rick. "We know major Toms a junkie..." He got no further as the vicar grabbed hold of him by the front of his coat and head-butted him in the face. Rick fell dazed backwards into the grave. It took a moment for him to recover his composure and cry out. "Help! I'v just fallen into a grave!" "Brilliant!" exclaimed Vyvyan grabbing a shovel. "Lets fill it in!" Neil was shocked at his comrades calluos disregard for Ricks well being. "No!" he exclaimed. "We cant bury Rick alive!" Vyvyan considered this for a moment. "Thats absolutely correct Neil." he affirmed. "We'd better kill him first!" Vyvyan lifted his shovel and brought it crashing down on Ricks head. Suprisingly however Rick felt very little. Perhapse there was very little in it to be damaged. As Rick managed to haul himself out of the pit two men came tearing up. The first of the men gave them an unpleasant glare. "Whats all this?" he demanded. "Where'd you get your digging permit?" "Where'd you get all this gear from?" snapped the second man. "Yeah. If any holes get dug around here they get dug by..." The mans voice trailed off as he caught sight of something. "Whats this camera???" he asked nervously. "Is this for a laugh?" "Have you killed someone as a prank?" giggled the second man. "No we bloody havent!" snarled Rick as he rubbed his head. "Would mind buggering off now this is a serious funeral!" "No." said the first man. "C'mon tell us whats going on." "Well." Said Vyvyan as they all sat down. "It's a long story..."
* * *
"Neil!" called Rick as he exited the bathroom in his robe. "The bathrooms free unlike the country under the Thatcherite junter!" He broke off as he saw Neil sitting by the door. "What'r are you doing there Neil?" "Queing." "How long have you been there?" "Thirty years." Rick glared at him suspiciously. "You'v been listening havent you Neil?" he demanded. "You'v been listening to what Iv been doing in the bath! Is this how you get your kicks these days? It is isint it ya little pervy!" "I wasn't listening Rick." Neil retorted. "Anyway what were you doing?" Slight pause. "I wasn't doing anything!" exclaimed Rick defensively. "Then I couldn't have heard anything could I?" "And anyway Neil." Sneered Rick. "Don't think that Vyvyan Mike and I don't know exactly what you get up to in there! So I wouldn't go spilling the beans if I was you!" Neil looked up sharply. "Whadda you know about the beans?" he cried in alarm. "Exactly." Rick went to leave and then turned back. "What beans???" "Er nothing." Said Neil hastily as he entered the bathroom. "Ha ha no beans!"
* * *
"Your video machine is now ready for use." Mike read from the manual. "Happy viewing." "Ha ha!" laughed Vyvyan as he inserted the final wire. "They wouldn't say that if they knew what video we'v got!" Mike picked up the remote and pushed the "play" button. Absolutely nothing happened. "Well they don't call this a new era in entertainment." remarked Mike. "No." agreed Vyvyan. "I call it very very DULL!" "Well maybe you shouldn't have poured all that washing up liquid into it." "But it says ensure that you machine is clean and free from dust." "Yeah but it dosnt say ensure that your machine is full of washing up liquid." "Well it dosnt say ensure that your machine ISINT full of washing up liquid!" "Well it wouldn't would it?" snapped Mike crabbily. "I mean it dosnt say ensure you chop up your machine with an axe put all the bits in a plastic bag and bung them down the lavatory!" "Dosnt it?" said Vyvyan grabbing the VCR and making for the stairs. "Well maybe that's where we'r going wrong." "Put that down!" exclaimed Mike. "I'm minding that for Harry the Bastard!" "Who's he?" asked Vyvyan replacing the video. "A gangster?" "No he's the bloke who works at Rumbleos."
* * *
"Vyvyan!" Rick called said to his bedroom door. "I KNOW your in my bedroom plotting one of your desperately adult practical jokes so anything ghastly that happens to me when I walk in isint funny at all!" Rick threw the door open and flung his arms in front of him protectively. Nothing. Rick opened his eyes to see no one standing in front of him. Then realisation dawned. He swung the door shut and cringed. Large double-headed axed death failed to happen to him. Bewildered Rick turned... His eyes fell upon the bed. Rick tore off the bed sheet and flung himself back out of harms way. But it was as it turned out unessesary. There was absolutely no one concealed under the sheets. "Maybe he's ill." sniffed Rick. Then a look of madness came into his eyes. He took out a pen knife and lifted a corner of the carpet revealing a loose plank. Rick levered the plank up and took a magazine out of the hidey hole beneath. With a devilish grin Rick opened the magazine and flung himself onto the bed. BUZZZZ! A buzz-saw appeared through the wall triggered by the weight on the bed. The saw traveled down the bed towards...
"AAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"
* * *
"Whats that sound?" inquired Mike.
"Oh its probably Rick doing a bit of reading."
* * *
"Ha ha ha!" cackled Rick as he finished nailing the last plank on Vyvyans bedroom door. "Try getting outta that so-called-Vyvyan!"
* * *
With Vyvyan out of the picture Rick walked down to the living room and opened The magazine. "Hello Rick." said Mike . Rick jumped and then hurriedly concealed the mag. "He listen Mike." He sniggered. "I'v just nailed up Vyvyan in his bedroom! He'll be in for a shock when he wakes up for his nine-o-clock tutorial!" "Finished Mike." Reported Vyvyan from the other side of the room. Rick stared at him blankly. Then the moment of confusion passed and he gave a roar of fury. "Vyvyan! You utter BASTARD!!! Why arent you in your bedroom?!!" "Cos I'm not going to bed tonight." "What do you mean your not going to bed tonight?! How DARE you not go to bed tonight?! I go to all the trouble of boarding you up in your room and you havent even got the common decency to be in there!" "Don't worry Rick it wouldn't have worked anyway." consoled the punk. "And why not pray?" "Cos I swapped rooms with Neil. Well I HAD to. I was sick all over my bed." "Well look here matey your going straight up to your room and your going to pull all the planks off the door and nail yourself in..." Pause. "What d'you mean your not going to bed tonight???" "Mike and I are going to induldge in an all night orgy of sex and violence." Vyvyan explained. "What...In the middle of the drawing room???" "First" said Vyvyan scanning a video cover. "we'r gonna have sex with the headless corpse and the virgin astronaut." "Ugh...wont the carpet get awfully sticky?" "It's a video nasty!" "It's a carpet farty!" "The only problem is we cant get the bastard to work." growled Mike. "Well I'm not surprised if he's dead!" snapped Rick. "Not the astronaut the video!" Rick stared and then... "Oh!" he exclaimed. "Have we got a video???!!!" "Yes we'v got a video!" snarled Vyvyan. Rick gave them both a suspicious look. "Wait a minute where did you get it from?" "Well don't spred it around but I know this guy..." "What and you borrowed it from him?" "Yeah more or less." Said Vyvyan as he opened the manual again. "We just signed a few forms..." Mike took over on Vyvyans behalf. "Told them about our friend..." Vyvyan went on brushing off Mikes offer of help. "Slipped back to get his birth cerificate to prove his age..." bashed on Mike determined to assist the punk whether he liked it or not. "Except they'v given us a dud!" snapped Vyvyan triumphing in his verbal battle with Mike. "Oh give me that!" exclaimed Rick grabbing the manual. He stared at the cover and then... "Vyvyan this is for a toaster!"
* * *
Meanwhile in a small wooden the middle of a forest not far from the house Rosco Wilco was playing chess with his partner Ruffles. Suddenly the door burst open to the chill of fall. Oscar burst in and collapsed to the ground clutching his chest. There was a bullet wound in his gut. Rosco looked around and acknowledged his comrades presence. "Some people always have to make a dramatic entrance don't they?" he grunted. "I think he's been shot Rosco." remarked Ruffles. Rosco got to his feet. "You know what this means don't you?" "No what?" "I'm going to have to close the door myself." Rosco got up and closed the door. Oscar reared up on the floor. "Rosco!" he gasped in agony. "You'v got to get to Geneva!" Rosco turned and looked at him. "He's bleeding all over the floor." observed Ruffles. "Look I'v just washed this floor." Rosco told his grounded friend. Oscar grabbed Rosco by the front of his shirt and pulled him down. "You'v got to go to Geneva tonight!" he cried. "Ask for Neil!" he pushed a folded up piece of paper into Rosco's hand. "Look I'll never remember this." said Rosco turning to Ruffles. "Give me a pen. Oh I have one here! Well give a piece of paper." "HURRY! STAY CALM!" screamed Oscar. "Harry? He's that comedian isint he? Harry...whats his..." "HURRY!!!!!!!!" "Alright I'm not made of paper!" snapped Rosco. "I'm not a cheque!" There was a pause. Then Rosco and Ruffles started laughing about this observation. "A cheque." giggled Ruffles. "Good one!" "GO TO GENEVA!" cried Oscar. "Neils phone number is on that paper." Oscar started to breath heavily at this point. "May...god...go...with...you..." he whispered and then went very very still. "Yeah I know that." nodded Rosco. "But how am I going to get to Geneva by tonight? Who's going to pay for the ticket? C'mon give me that paper." Ruffles handed him slip of paper. Rosco turned to Oscars inert form. "Whats the message?" "He's dead." "How do you spell it?" "No he's dead!" Rosco realised what all this boiled down to and sobred up. He got up and looked gravely at his friend and partner. "We'll have to get a line to Scotland yard Ruffles. They'r going to have to answer this question once and for all." He turned to the phone and picked up the receiver.
* * *
"That thing started yet?" grunted Mike as he unravelled the video tape and inspected it. "Give it a chance Mike." Muttered Rick as he tried to get the video working. "Yeah!" agreed Vyvyan. "We'v made some toast!" RING! The telephone called for attention. "Oh lordy lordy!" snapped Rick jumping to his feet. "Who could that be phoning us up at this hour?" "Well maybe someones died!" "Oh you mean one of our relatives? Yeah that's true." Rick walked over to the bottom of the stairs and called up. "Neil! TELEPHONE!"
* * *
Neil woke up from his drowze in the bath tub. He acknowledged Ricks call. "Wheres the light switch?" he muttered turning and stepping out of the tub... and through the window.
* * *
"PUSH THAT BUTTON!" Rick roared at Vyvyan. "I AM PUSHING IT!" snarled Vyvyan as he hammered the "on" switch with a claw hammer. "Well your doing it wrong! Your supposed to use your hands!" "What like this??????!!!!!!!!!" Vyvyan punctuated his inquiry by smacking Rick around the head. Hard. Neil appeared in the doorway clutching a flower pot over his bare essentials. He grabbed the phone from the receiver. "Hello? I dunno I'll ask." Neil turned and addressed his alledged friends. "Does anyone know a short comedian? Harry something?" "Yes." affirmed Mike. Neil turned back to the telephone. "Yes we do." he replied before slamming the receiver down. Mike turned around and looked at him. "Hey Neil your filthy! Go and have a bath!" "I'v just had one! Its amazing just how dirty you can get answering the phone..." Rick jumped to his feet. "Hey everybody listen!" he snickered. "It was probably a dirty phone call!" Vyvyan grabbed Rick by the collar and pulled him down very close to his face. "Shut up or I'll KILL you!!!" he snapped. Rick was released. "Oh touche Vyvyan!" he sneered. "What devastating reportoire! Talk about Oscar Wilde!" "Oh alright." Neil obliged. "Oscar Wilde was one of the greatest comedians of the sixteenth century who was persecuted for his homosexuality..." "Shut up Neil." growled Rick slapping the hippys face. "...because in that time the law was..." SLAP! "Shut up!" Neil was indignant. "Oh yeah be like that Rick!" "Be like what exactly doctor Neil? Be like what?!!" "Be like a complete and utter drag and bring everything down in the whole world!" Rick knew just the cutting remark to shut the hippy up one and for all. "What you mean like your trousers?????!!!!!!!" he cried gleefully. Neil was utterly mortified. "Don't you dare say that Rick!" he cried strickenly. "Flares are coming back in! I read it in my horoscopes!" "Yeah!" grinned Vyvyan. "How DARE he say that Neil! Smash his face in!!!" Rick laughed at the idea. "Look I'm not into violence or anything Rick" cried Neil grabbing a frying pan from the table. "but I really am going to smash your face in!" "Oh bloody hell!" exclaimed Rick retreating behind the table as Neil advanced on him. Then he noticed it. "Neil...how are you keeping that flower pot up???" Neil was overcome with embarassment. He dropped the frying pan and slunk off to his room. Mike Rick and Vyvyan watched him go. * * * "Why wont this sodding video work?" snarled Vyvyan as he finally gave up. "Hey!" cried Rick. "I'v just had a revoloutionary idea!" "What is it?" "Lets invade Russia and seize control of the states!" KABOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!! The front door was blown off its hinges and the debris was sprayed all over the room giving it a second coat. Rick sighed in exasperation. "Oh no." he lamented. "The front doors exploded." Mike turned and glared at Vyvyan. "Vyvyan!" "Vyvyan Vyvyan Vyvyan!" snapped Vyvyan. "Honestly whenever something goes wrong in this house its always blame Vyvyan!" "Well who do you suggest we blame?" retorted Mike. "Thatcher!" suggested Rick. "No." said Vyvyan. "Blame whoever rang the doorbell. Because they obviously triggered the bomb I set up." "What bomb???" "Well I thought the doorbell was getting a bit old so you know I thought I'd pep it up a bit!" "Well I call it totally irresponsible!" cried Rick. "Fancy coming and ringing the doorbell at this time of night. Then a grin appeared on Ricks face. "Hey." He snickered. "I bet that whoever it is will be pretty shocked when they find us still up!" A blackened figure entered the room. He had a ginger beard and was wearing a postmans hat and uniform. "Cough cough!" he cried. "Splutter! Cor an exploding front door! Stone the crows the missus will never believe this un!" "What do you want?" asked Rick. "I have a parcel under the name of Mr J.Biloski." "Piss off posty!"! snapped Vyvyan. "Sign here." the postman held an order form out to Mike and then yanked it away. "Much obliged I'm sure. And now (Boom.) here (Boom.) is (Boom.) your (Tadaay!) package." The postman lugged in a large parcel and then left. "A package from Transalvania!" said Rick as he Vyvyan and Mike inspected the parcel. "How strange!" "Its probably a consignment of very hard drugs." said Vyvyan matter-of-factly. "Why does it say fragile then?" "Thats probably Transalvanian for very hard drugs!" Just as they were returning to the video Neil appeared at the foot of the stairs. He was wearing a blue checked dress. "Alright!" he said. "Everyone listen to me. Everyone in the house listen to me!" "Shut up Neil!" snapped Mike. "We'r busy with the video." "Yeah shut up Neil!" grinned Rick. "We'v got videos to talk about havent we Mike?" "Well actually I'v got something to tell you which I think you'll find really interesting." "Why are you wearing that dress Neil?" inquired Vyvyan. "Thats what I'v got to tell you about." "Well we dont want to know." retorted Mike. "Yes." agreed Rick who had gone pale. "Who wants to hear about a silly old dress?" "Well I do." Vyvyan said inspecting the dress. "Well" Neil began "I couldn't get any of my clothes because some really selfish negative vibe merchant has boarded up my bed room. So I like went into Ricks bed room and the only thing I could find there clothes-wise was this dress." "Ah..." Rick licked the sweat off his lips nervously.Then he reared up dramatically."Oh oh!" he eclaimed "So you'v taken to rooting around other peoples bedrooms Neil! So you'v taken to rooting around other peoples bedrooms and planting evidence of transvestisism so as to topple me from my position as most popular member of the flat! Well it wont work! I'v never seen that dress before in my life!""Well its got your name tag on it Rick." Vyvyan pointed out."But its not mine! Its not mine!" cried Rick almost in tears. "What would I want with a dress? Here I'v got money! Take money!""I think we should tell the pigs." Remarked Neil. "Yeah!""I hate to say anything negative but no." said Mike. "If the police come round here they'll grab hold of our nasties." "Oh!""The videos!"Neils eyes widened."Oh! Have we got a video???""If anyone else asks me that question" growled Vyvyan. "I am personally going to stick their head through the window." "Vyvyan?""Yes Neil?""Have we got a video?" "Right." Vyvyan got up "Come this way Neil."They walked into the kitchen where Vyvyan tore the window out of its pane.He then proceeded to shatter it over Neils head."I still don't understand. Does that mean we'v got one or not? I'm getting really confused today..."
* * *
"Ohhhhhh! Too much! Oh can I have a go on it please?" begged Neil. A brilliant idea hit Vyvyan Rick and Mike all at the same time.They grinned fiendishly at each other."Yes. As long as you are very very careful." Said Mike. "yeah" agreed Vyvyan "Cos at the moment Neil it happens to be in complete working order!""And if you touch it and it doesn't work that means that you'v broken it and you'v got to pay." Cackled Rick."Oh anything! Oh wow!" Breathed Neil as he picked up a video and made for the machine.Vyvyan Mike and Rick stood behind him and held out there hands expectantly.Neil looked up."But it isint plugged in. Have we got an extention?""Yeah the kitchen." Mike replied."No I mean an extention cord. This doesn't reach.""Oh GOD!!" Vyvyan walked out through the front door. A moment later he reappeared outside the window.He proceeded to push the wall. With a grunt the wall began to shift and move forwards and into the house. When the wall was close enough for Neil to plug the video in Vyvyan stopped pushing.He stepped in through the window.Rick watched him in disgust as he sat down on the couch."Oh that's right Vyvyan yeah! If Mohammed wont come to the mountain smash the living room to pieces! That's very Buddhist isint it?"Vyvyan picked up a video cover used it to smack Ricks head and then dropped it again.Neil plugged in the video...and then wished that he hadnt.Bright blue bolts of electricity proceeded to flood out of the cable and into the hippies body. Neil stood quite still unable to move parylised by the electric shocks he was receiving courtsey of the frayed wire.The video buzzed into life and the face of a woman wearing a pair of devil-horns appeared on the screen.The othr students sat on the couch and began to watch the video. "perfectly excellent Neil." Mike congratulated the hippy. "Don't move a muscle!"The woman on the screen went on to talk about a special pain-killer called pain-away. She spoke about it as if it was the best thing since Cliff Richards wrote Summer Holiday.Then she vanished and the screen was still again.Neil had summoned sufficient strength to let go of the cable. He stood there panting. His normally long and dangly hair was now standing up on end.Mike flung down the remote."Neil!" he roared."I was watching that you selfish bastard!" snarled Vyvyan."Honestly Neil I'm utterly sick of you and all you stand for!" cried Rick."Look..." cried Neil pointing at the area behind them.They all turned.They stared at what they saw.The package they had received earlier had been torn open.Standing in its place still partially covered in wrapping paper was a tall pale skinned man.He was wearing a black opera cape and two of his front teeth were especially long and pointed.The man smiled eerily at the four students."Greetings from Transalvani." He said politely.He spoke with a solid accent.It took a few moments for Neil Vyvyan Mike and Rick to regain their composure and to figure out a plan of how to deal with this new hazard.All four of them came up with exactly the same plan. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "It's a vampire!" cried Mike leaping off the couch."In the parcel!" exclaimed Vyvyan folllowing suit."In the kitchen!" screamed Rick following their example."Hate mail..." murmured Neil who was already standing."Whadda we do?!!""Only pop music can save us now!" cried Rick.
* * *
After failing to come up with a plan they had fled up the stairs and hidden behind the bathroom door.The vampire had fallen for it and they now had him trapped in the bathroom."Take it easy!" snarled Vyvyan through the door. "I'v got a crucifix and I'm not afraid to use it!""Yeah watch it vamp!" said Neil who held a tube of Jiff in his hand. "You'r messing with the big boys now!"Mike walked up onto the landing."Alright I'v contacted the Dogs eat cats home." He told them. "They wouldn't take him.""Hey!" grinned Rick. "You should have tried the Dogs eat BATS home!""Don't be so flippant Rick!" snapped Mike."Cos you see with him being a vampire...""Don't be so flippant!""Well it's a word play joke and...""Don't be flippant!""ALRIGHT!! Alright forget it!"There was a pause as they all pondered the situation. "Neil..." Rick began after a while had passed. "What does 'messing with the big boys' entail?""This." The hippy squeezed the tub.A long white worm sprung from it.It spattered over Ricks shirt and then slithered to the ground unimpressively.An even longer silence."I know!" exclaimed Vyvyan. "Why don't we BITE him to death?!!"But the vampire was listening from inside the bathroom."No you cant bite me!" he called out. "I'm Transalvanian!""Hey I'v got it!" Neil came up trumps. "Why don't we lock him in the toilet?" The other three stared speechlessly at him.None of them had expected their salvation from this crisis to have come from the one they had scorned and looked at with disfavour for all these years.Mike realised that he would think differently of Neil from now on.Then the one fatal flaw in the hippies logic occurred to him."Neil we HAVE locked him in the toilet!" "Oh...well it was a good idea wasn't it?"Something occurred to Rick. "Erm...Mike?" he asked nervously. "What happens when one of us wants to...spend a penny? I mean...He'll be able to see us wont he???"The vampire called out again."This has all been a terrible mistake!" he cried. "I am not a vampire! I am a driving instructor from Johanasburg!""A driving instructor from Johanasburg? Prove it!" challenged Vyvyan."How?""Ok...What should you NEVER do in a box-junction?""In a box-junction you should never neglect to check your rear view mirror.""Ah...true. Ok what should you do when approaching a hump-backed bridge?""When approaching a hump-backed bridge you should stop and look out of the back window. Then if nobodies looking you should grab the virgin and rip out her...""AH-HA!!!" sneered Vyvyan. "Gotcha! Driving instructor my ass! You're a vampire and theres NO denying it!""I'v got it!" said Mike clicking his fingers. "We'v gotta drive a stake through his heart!""Brilliant!" said Vyvyan. "I'll get my car!"He ran downstairs."I'll get a stake." said Neil.They all ran downstairs.Once there Neil opened the fridge-door and looked into it."Oh no. We havent got a stake! All we'v got is this vegetarian sausage!" he cried in dismay.There was a crumbling sound and bricks and plaster flew everywhere as the living room wall caved in as Vyvyan drove his Ford into the room."Ok I'v got the car. Wheres the stake?"There was a scream from upstairs and Rick raced into the room.His face was as white as a sheet."The vampires escaped from the little persons room!" he screamed."I don't see what all the fuss is about." Remarked Vyvyan. "Vampires only attack virgins."There was a dead silence.So heavy a silence that you could have cut it with a bread knife.Mike licked the sweat off his lips."Well." He said forcing himself to muster a wane smile. "I'm not worried for myself. Its Rick and Neil I'm concerned for actually.""WHAT!" laughed Rick nervously. "Rick a virgin?! HA! Just ask the foxy chicks who owe me favours..." "Well if Ricks not a virgin then I'm not either!" announced Neil. Vyvyan smirked."Well we'r gonna find out soon arent we? Cos the vampires gonna know and if anyones attacked then we'll know that they'r a sissy virgin."A thought occurred to him.The idea made him pause. "God..." he muttered to himself. "I hope snogging with my hamster counts...""He's gonna get us!" wailed Neil. "He's turn us all into vampires! And we'll be dead and yet still alive like Lenin Cowen!" Rick made one last-ditch attempt to save himself."Mr vampire!" he cried up the stairs. "Don't bite me! I'm horrid! I'm covered in acne! Bite Neil he's strawberry flavoured!""We have only one chance." Said Mike. "We all gotta lose our virginity!" "But HOW Mike? OH NO! BAGS NOT RICK!!!!""BAGS NOT Vyvyan!!!!!!""BAGS NOT...Neil?" the hippy floundered.The vampire appeared at the bottom of the stairs.Everyone cowered behind the couch. "Alright." Said the vampire. "Who's first? My god! What a choice!""Right! out the window everyone!" screamed Mike.Vyvyan ripped the curtains away from the window.Daylight flooded into the room.The vampire gave a howl of agony as the holy rays played over him."Oh no! I forgot about the difference between here and Transalvania!"He fell backwards and into something else that had fallen out of the parcel. It was a coffin.Mike Vyvyan and Rick ran over to the coffin slammed the lid down and nailed it shut.
* * *
"so you see we have in fact stayed up for the entire night." Said Rick. "Now that's what I call ANARCHY!"He lit up a fag.The last one in the packet.How very appropriate."And we never did get to watch the video." Remarked Vyvyan as he shifted his weight on the coffin.Mike gave a gasp of shock."Oh no the video! If we don't get it back to Harry the Bastard by half past five we'll owe him twenty five quid!" "Oh. Have you got a video?" asked one of the grave diggers. "YES!!! WE'V-GOT-A-VIDEO!!!!!" roared Vyvyan."What time is it?"The vicar looked at his watch."Half past five."Suddenly they were all flung to the ground as the coffin lid swung open and the vampire leapt out."AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!"But the vampire instead of attacking them took of his teeth and mask.The face of one of the Biloski clan members was revealed."HARRY THE BASTARD!!!!" everyone exclaimed. "The very same." Sneered Harry. "And you lot owe me twenty five quid."There was apause."Well!" everyone said. "What a complete bastard!"