First there was nothing.

It was like he had woken up and had no memory of his entire life. He had no idea of where or who he was. He was pale and still chained up like an animal. What was this? Where was he? Who was he?

He looked around in shock only seeing a man before him. He looked older, smart, serious but looked like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.

Then it came back to him in flashes. A yellow crayon and a small girl crying. He liked the colour of her red hair. He recalled his 6th birthday involving the scary clown. He really hated that clown. Xander that was his name. It was Xander. He saw a memory of his father raising his fist, a bottle of some dark liquid in his other hand. He remembered his first day at high school, watching Jesse get rejected for the millionth time by Cordelia Chase. His life growing up. His family, his friends and his life.

"I'm sorry," the man said. He sounded foreign like somewhere from Britain. He looked vaguely familiar like he had seen him before.

Then the rest of his memories hit him. The panic at the bronze, the screams, holding Willow close to him as they stared up at some powerfully built man on the stage talking about some kind of harvest, then he remembered he was reborn, his first kill and the Master telling him how well he had done. He remembered the thrill of the hunt with his fiery red head Willow, he remembered coming up against Buffy the slayer, her stake in his heart. He remembered it all. His life, his death, his undead life as a vampire and his staking. It was all there swirling around in his head. He closes his eyes, seeking a momentary escape, but dark memories wash over him still.

"I didn't want it to be like this," Giles said. Yes, his name was Giles! Leader of the white hats. They tired to kill him many times, but he just kept on coming back. "But I saw no other way. I have tired everything I could think of. I broke the demon Anyanka's source of power, and this was all meant to change… but it didn't work… so now I'm out of options…" Xander opened his eyes and frowned at that. What did that mean? How this possible? What was an Anyanka? What had happened? One minute he was battling the slayer and the next minute he was here. Giles moved forward crouching at him but careful to remain at a distance. "I need help to win this war," he explained. "We have lost another slayer Kendra to the Master… I knew I had to take drastic action. I needed to fight fire with fire… I needed a vampire's mind, a vampire's skill and knowledge to beat him… I needed a vampire."

"What have you done?" Xander asked him finally speaking.

"Dark magic," Giles told him. "Very forbidden in many circles and locked under lock in key of the Watcher's council. Vampires being resurrected, you have no idea how deadly that information might be in the wrong hands. But I saw no other way."

For days he stayed there.

Chained in the bathroom of Giles's small apartment as he tried to process the information given to him. It was all too much for him to cope with on his own at times. He had died and been reborn only to die again and be reborn once again. He could remember slaughtering his parents the look of his mother's face as she turned and saw his yellow eyes and fangs. She screamed and it was almost orgasmic as he drank her and his father's blood from their throat. He stopped midway through draining his father and suddenly felt very artistic letting his blood spurt from his throat until there was no more and it was smeared all over the wall. His body, this vampire's body he found himself in was almost alien to him. Everything was in sharp focus, the whisper of wind moving around and through the house, the individual notes of a cricket's song, every sound and scent overwhelming. This body was silent, strong, tireless, and utterly unnatural. There were no odd pains, no fatigue, no back aches, no odd twinges. No heartbeat, no breath.

He recalled his first waking as a vampire waking up on a dirty floor of the Bronze. He was cold but that didn't seem to bother him. He frowned when he saw Willow smiling down at him. "Willow? Is that you?" he asked her tentatively. Why was she smiling? One minute they were in the middle of a massacre and now she was smiling at him.

"Of course, it's me, silly. Who else would it be?" purred Willow looking down at her long-time friend.

"But... I thought you were dead..." Xander said to her confused. He recalled a pale ugly looking guy tear Willow away from his arms. He sensed that something was amiss.

"I'm not dead, Xander," replied the vampire in a seductive whisper, "I'll never be dead. And I'm here as you are. We can be together, Xander. Don't you see? We can be together forever, literally." Willow smiled at him, and he saw she had blood on her lips. He reached and felt his neck remembering someone had bit him but there was a no mark. He stood slowly to his feet and look around at the room. There are bodies everywhere, broken, lifeless and still. He should be sicken, he should be sacred but instead he felt neither. Guilt, remorse, shame, fears, all these emotions that seem to make up his teenage years were all gone. He looked at Willow. His Willow always and forever and smiled. She was right they were together.

Recalling such an event Xander coughed up and vomited the blood he had in the morning. Giles came with blood and more information. But Xander knew he had to escape. Using his strength, he managed to break free and escape into the night. Xander stumbled down Main Street, still getting used to being back on his feet again. He moves quickly along, exploring new territory. Though, technically the territory wasn't new. He's lived here all his life. But he was exploring it in his new senses. The rain was pounding down on him it so bad the weather that not even the undead were out and about. He could recall his favourite hunting spots as clear a memory as going to see some cheesy B movie with Jesse and Willow when they were children. This blur of one former life full of innocence and another life full of death caused his head to spin. He moved away from the streets into a graveyard.

He looks around in confusion... Until a large stone slab caught his eye.

Alexander LaVelle Harris January 12, 1981 - August 20, 1997

"No..." The horse, almost strangled voice erupted from Xander's throat. He fell to his knees in front of the gravestone… his gravestone. This wasn't some dream or nightmare. All of it was true. Everything he was every piece of life he had was all gone.

"I'm sorry," Giles's voice came from behind him. He knew the librarian would find him, so he wasn't surprised in the slightest to hear him. "I know this isn't fair for you, but I had no choice."

"Why?" Xander asked him sadly. "Why bring me back?"

"I needed help," Giles stated. "I cannot win this war alone."

"What makes you think I won't simply kill myself?" Xander stated. It had to be said. Suicide was looking like a good option right now.

"Because I'm offering you a chance for revenge," Giles told him, imploring the vampire to see reason. "What they did to you, your friend Willow, what you did to this town it was all because of them. Work with me and I will give your chance to kill them all and have your revenge."

Xander considered what the man was offering and suggesting. Revenge on them taking his life… what else did he have? "Alright," Xander said getting to his feet and looking at the man. "But on one condition… that spell you cast to bring me back. You don't use it to bring Willow back." Giles looked in confusion and opened his mouth to protest but Xander's fierce look. "Destroy it! I don't want her being like this!" Giles reluctantly nodded and offered his hand. Xander took it shaking his hand.