FFVIII , characters, places, whatever doesn't belong to us. Nothing except the actual story does. So...there. Don't sue us.
The Midas Pain in the Ass
C
"Eat up Zell. It's good for you. Full o' lots 'n' lots o' fiber to keep my boy regular," she retreated into the kitchen where she spent the majority of the day.
Zell narrowed his eyes at the mush. It made a farting noise. Zell timidly pushed the bowl away.
"Can't I just have hot dogs this morning like I usually do?"
Ma Dincht began swishing the water in the sink. She reached into a drawer and pulled out a hammer.
"Zell, I'm not going to let you gorge yourself on animal by-products 24-7. You remember what happened that night you and your friends beat What's-Her-Name and you had that big 'ol party after and you ordered 37 hot dogs..."
"Okay, okay, ma," Zell rubbed his temple. She had to bring that up.
"Just 'cause you beat up Paramecia..."
"Ultimecia..."
"Yeah....doesn't mean you can scarf down 9 pounds of meat 15 minutes later,"
"But it's just breakfast, ma..."
"Exactly why oatmeal will be your breakfast every day from now on,"
"Oatmeal?" Zell looked at the gurgling mass and gave it a hateful stab with his fork. A purple tentacle shot out and snatched the fork from Zell's hand. He shrieked and shoved the bowl away. It sailed across the table, landing with a crash on the floor at the opposite side.
Ma Dincht gave whatever it was in the sink a 'thwack' with the hammer and it squealed in pain. She sighed and turned to stand in the doorway. Her fists planted on her hips, and she glared at him in that dangerously gentle, mother type way.
"Zell Zebediah Ezekiel Dincht...would you like me to tell Selphie to sign you up for the cheerleading squad?"
"But Maaaaa..."
"Ah, now look! It's already gotten away!" she sighed again and returned to the kitchen.
"I'll just make you some more, okay?"
Another thwack of the hammer and a scream.
Zell groaned and beat his head against the table.
*@*
A loud boom echoes across the field. The ground began to shake, and it split open, fire spurting from it.
"Come forth, my legions!" she laughed maniacally, and threw her hands in the air.
Irvine, who had been watching her from afar, walked cautiously over to her. He put his hand out, and touched her shoulder.
"AAAH!" she screamed, though the pitch was about 2 octaves too low. She spun around, and upon noticing that it wasn't one of her spawn from the underworld, the sky cleared, and the ground slammed closed. She put on the sweetest smile she could muster.
"Sefie...sweetie...what are ya doin'?" he asked. She frowned.
"Irvy, now what did you think I was doing?"
"What else? Conjuring up evil-"
He was blocked by a hand over his mouth. She made little "shhh" noises. He shrugged and pulled her hand from over his mouth.
Out in the distance, a lone figure stood, seething with rage. She began to walk slowly towards the bickering couple. As she closed in, Selphie and Irvine stopped abruptly, and cautiously turned around. As their eyes made contact, Irvine gulped and Selphie screamed. Oh what could this foul beast be? Adel? Ultimecia? Omega Weapon?
No. It was Rinoa.
And she was PMSing.
Irvine banished the knot of fear in his stomach and replaced his glance of horror with a charming smile.
"Rinoa, baby! Hehe...
"Shut up, cowboy!"
"Um..ok"
Rinoa turned away from him, unable to look at him anymore. She now beheld Selphie in her glory, like one gigantic yellow smiley face. Rinoa snarled and faced Irvine once more. She just couldn't win.
"Where's Dincht?"
"Dunno. Did you even tell him to meet-"
"Of course I did!" Rinoa cut him off rudely. As she began to pace in frustration and impatience. Selphie adjusted her boots.
"I'm sure Zelly-Welly has a good reason." she stated a little too brightly," Like...he broke his leg... or went on a killing spree, or he is selling his soul to-"
Irvine interrupted breaking out of his state of thought.
"Hey, you don't suppose-"
"No, I don't," Rinoa snapped.
"Oh...ok,"
Selphie, bored with the conversation, knelt in the grass to pick the dark colored, leafy plants (which were, in truth, deadly nightengale) that grew only in this part of the plains...along with some buttercups. She hummed a wordless chant.
Rinoa walked around in small circles for a while, thinking and cursing to herself. What was she doing here? She should be at home. With nice soothing music. A bubble bath. She sighed slowly. Midol...
"Zell!" Selphie squealed, her arms full, "You're here!"
"Finally," Rinoa grumbled, still pacing.
"Yeah..." he groaned, stumbling towards them.
"Oatmeal?" Irvine asked
Zell moaned.
"Poor Zelly-Welly," Selphie patted his head.
"I don't care. If we gotta do this, let's just go.." Rinoa grumbled. Selphie had returned to her chanting circle and was dancing again, scattering snap-dragon petals about as she chanted. She was difficult to understand, though no one really cared. Rinoa rubbed her temples.
"Would somebody please tell me why she keeps doing that?"
Zell and Irvine shrugged.
"Well, she does have spells in her limit break, but they usually don't involve flower petals..."
"Or the devil..."
"Wonder is she'll strip?"
"You GUYYYZZZZ..." Rinoa whined, "Forget Selphie. Let her praise Beelzebub. Let's just get this over with..."
"Get what over with?" Zell asked innocently.
"Well, Selphie wanted to tip geezards for some reason. Something about the essence of damnable spirits...I dunno. Anyway, she said we were the only people immature and naive enough to go with her," Irvine adjusted his ponytail for the fifteenth time.
"Interesting. Think she'll sacrifice us to pagan gods?"
"Us? Nah..."
"So...tipping geezards? Dammit, I forgot my money,"
"Me too. I didn't even know geezards wore G-strings,"
Rinoa spun around to face the two young men. A hellish flame had ignited in her eyes.
"MORONS! IMBECILES! IDIOTS!"
Zell, and Irvine stared at her, then at each other, then looked around.
"YES, YOU!"
"Yo-ho! Yo-ho! Ching-a-ring-chaw-kum-larkee.." Selphie sang louder, tucking the nightengale into her hair as she danced. The sky was darkening.
"She wants to TIP gezzards. TIP geezards! As in, knock them OVER!" Rinoa snarled.
There was a pause, interrupted only by Selphie's mindless singing in the distance.
"Tip geezards?" Irvine wrinkled his nose.
"Why would we want to do THAT?" Zell asked with distaste.
Rinoa bared her teeth against the rising scream, clutching her throbbing skull as if to rip it open.
"I will not explode. It's so alright. Everybody nice. Butterfly wings...bunnies, bunnies..." Rinoa babbled.
"Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of blood..." Selphie sang. The clouds began to churn and crackled with electricity. Rinoa pointed a finger at Selphie out of rage.
"AND SOMEONE STOP HER INFERNAL CHANTING!!!
As Rinoa was screaming, Selphie came to a close.
"...Booyaka! A pirate's life for me! AARG!"
At that precise moment, a bolt of white hot lightning shot down from the clouds, nailing Rinoa in the cranium with the sound of a thousand cannons. Rinoa was left standing in a stupefied daze. No one was sure if she was dead or not, but her hair was standing on end, which was more than a little funny.
"Whoa...cool," Zell mused
"Oh my God.........do it again!" cried Irvine excitedly.
Rinoa toppled over, her arm still extended, her body as rigid as beef jerky.
"Whoops!" Selphie giggled nervously. Zell gaped at the sight before him.
"Selphie, what did you do?" Irvine questioned. She glared at him nastily.
"It was not a Satanic chant! Why would you think that?"
"I didn't say that..."
"It was a sea chantey. It helps..." she tried to remember, "...ward off storms,"
"What went wrong, then?" he said hastily. She looked puzzled, and thought again.
"I don't think I was supposed to say 'AARG'"
Irvine sighed and slowly walked over to Rinoa's body, which was smoking. Zell, followed, still gaping, enthralled by the sight before him. As he passed Selphie, he shot her a giant grin, and gave her two thumbs up. She smiled and did her victory pose, sans her nunchaku.
Irvine bent over the charred body and poked her with his gun.
"Think Squall will be mad at me? Will he kill me?" Selphie squeaked uneasily.
"Tch!" said Zell.
"Think Squall will notice? Care?" Irvine asked smartly. Rinoa gaped stupidly up at the now blue sky. A bird chirped overhead.
"Well, let's go geezard tipping!" Selphie said quickly. She began to drag Irvine along with her, though he resisted. Zell was still staring at Rinoa like a dope.
"Sefie! We can't just leave her here!" Irvine insisted.
"Why not?"
"Because my boyfriend will kill you..."
All three gasped as Rinoa sat up and spoke. Selphie began to giggle.
"Teehee! You're hair sure is weird..."
"IT LIVES...ah...uh, I mean to say...er..." Zell stammered.
"Dammit," Irvine growled under his breath.
"What did you say?!" she growled, wiggling her fingers and trying to move her neck.
"Da- I mean, are you alright?"
"No, I'm not. In case you failed to notice, which is likely, I was just struck by lightning!!" she screamed, getting up stiffly. " Somebody give me a hand,"
"Irvine backed away, Zell twitched, and Selphie began to hum.
" Ooh, a ladybug!" she squealed. Delighted, she reached down and held it up oon her index finger. She licked her lips, then popped it in her mouth. Satisfied, she turned back.
"Huh?" she muttered.
"FINE!" she yelled, righting herself on wobbly feet. She unsuccessfully tried to smooth her fried hair, and looked each one over.
"How did THIS happen," she said, pointing to herself. Selphie began to whistle, and obviously at that. Rinoa turned and pointed at her
"You..." she growled. Selphie turned abruptly.
"Me?" she squeaked, genuine fear in her voice.
"Yes, you!" Rinoa growled, walking towards the little piece of sunshine herself.. "You. You and you stupid chants and your stupid festival and your stupid existence!" she raised her hand, and slapped Selphie across the jaw.
Selphie was thrown violently to the ground. She emitted a tiny gasp, a hand to her cheek. She looked up at Rinoa tearfully.
"Are you on the rag or something!?"
Rinoa's face turned bright red with fury. She made a strange face, and began to snort, and every once and a while, she made the stupidest little noise. Selphie stared for a while, unable to think clearly. She finally decided that a lulling, calming chant would do nicely right now. She was about to speak, but was unable to. Her mouth began to fuse together, a la Matrix
Irvine, who knew her voice was her life, walked slowly over to her and patted her on the back. Zell started to do the sign of the cross, but stopped when he saw Selphie look at him with a rage that rivaled Rinoa's. He began to whistle.
"Selphie...how did THIS happen?" Irvine questioned. She shrugged lethargically.
"Maybe it's your PUNISHMENT!" Rinoa yelled maniacally, an accusing glare on her face. Had Selphie the ability to talk, she probably would have said something along the lines of, "No. You deserved it you stupid bitch!". But her usual cheerfulness and present incapability prevented it, so she simply let her eyes wander across the field.
"Rinoa...this is really not funny, and I would appreciate it if you'd cut her some slack," Irvine commented.
Rinoa put her hands on her hips, "Well Cowboy, I was just struck by lightening. How about being nice to me?" she whispered, though it was obvious she was on the verge of screaming.
"But...you're okay! Look at her. Just LOOK at her..." he trailed, pointing at Selphie.
"Hmph."
"Selphie, who had obviously kept quiet, suddenly sprung into Irvine's arms and hugged him for his care and concern. Irvine looked over at Zell and winked.
"We are going back to Garden," Rinoa ordered, and began in the general direction. The others followed quietly as they headed back to Balamb.
*~~*~~*