Prologue
It started off somewhat innocently. After all, two girls going to go to a party (it was a going away party for their friend Cindy-chan) wasn't an extraordinary feat. After all, it was simple invite.
But it turned out to be the end for Bishonen everywhere...
Enter: Mer-chan. Age: 15. Mer was going to the party on account that she and Cindy-chan were friends from school. Having been friends for awhile, Mer was upset to see Cindy go, but was determined to have a fun time at Cindy's party. Unfortunately, Mer had no idea how to get to the place where the party was to be located.
Enter: Kyra. Age: 15- but just barely. Kyra hadn't even been invited to this party, on account that she had no idea who Cindy was. But Kyra knew the person hosting the party, and she knew where the party was. So, when Mer asked Kyra to show her the way to the party, Kyra decided to crash the party. Just for fun... and because she didn't want to do her math homework.
But it was only supposed to be a three-hour tour...
What? Oh, ne, gomen. Wrong story.
Anyway, let us start with the story *dramatic pause* of the Bishonen Hunters, and their Bishonen...
The Bishonen Hunters - #1: Ori wa su su
by Mer-chan and A-chan
Okay, first you turn a right at the stop sign, and then you- iie! No! Gomen, my other right! What? Ne, ne, gomen! Gomen nasai! Okay, it's a right at this turn... hai, I'm sure of it this time!
Mer sighed. Kyra was not good at giving directions... especially not with the random additions of Japanese thrown in, which Mer wasn't sure that even Kyra herself understood. Most likely, she was just quoting some random phrase that she had heard from her subtitled Sailor Moon and Fushigi Yuugi tapes. So what Kyra had just said probably was something that Makoto or Chiriko or Chichiri or Rei or Hotohori had said... ah, Hotohori-sama... Mer smiled at that thought, but she resisted the temptation to daydream. After all, she had to make sure that Kyra didn't direct her mother to some deserted quarry or something instead of Cindy's party.
Kyra grinned, We're here!
Mer looked at the ravine with a stream running through it, and blinked three times in rhythm. Uh, Kyra...this looks like a deserted quarry...
Trust me, this is Jennie's, but it doesn't look like anyone's around, Kyra said, eying the ravine.
Suzaku help me, Mer thought, she has that 'let's do something dangerous just for fun' look again.
Hey, let's climb down in the ravine! Kyra suggested.
Yeah, and then we can hitch-hike to New Jersey, Mer said without a hint of sincerity.
New Jersey? Nah, I'd rather go to Texas, Kyra said, but come ON!
There's a stream there, you KNOW I'm a little hydrophobic, Mer pointed out, a bit nervous.
Yeah, and I don't care, Kyra told her, Now quit doing your Joe impression and start climbing!
Friends like her will get me nowhere but six feet under, Mer thought, annoyed beyond words, I wish I had a spine, I wish I had a spine...
Mer, get down here already! Kyra snapped from her precarious perch on an overhanging rock.
Was I ever sane? Mer wondered, beginning to climb down the steep slope, I always knew I'd never live to finish all my fics...
Oh, quit thinking all of that over-dramatic, pessimistic crap! Kyra exclaimed as Mer came to stand behind her, And I KNOW you are. Look at how fast the current is!
And look at how long Mer-chan will haunt you when she falls in and drowns! Mer exclaimed, laughing madly.
That made no sense at all, you know, Kyra said with a disapproving look, Hey, look, a penny! she shouted, pointing to the bottom of the stream.
Who the bloody hell would throw a penny down there? Mer asked silently. Her annoyed and British-flavored thought was cut off and replaced with a scream as she found herself plummeting toward the stream.
How ironic. Bet no one saw THAT coming...
Hey, this didn't turn out so well, Kyra admitted to herself as she struggled to pull her head out of the water. I'll have to remember not to do that again if I live. Hey! There's the penny!
In the confusion of half-drowning (or maybe the fact that she was easily amused), Kyra reached out, picked up the penny, and suddenly found herself falling into a gaping, round, black chasm...
I don't believe this, I'm not dead! said a drenched but relieved Mer as she found herself standing in the middle of the woods.
And our heroines were sucked through the plothole that had been blocked by the penny into the world of- a deep, disembodied voice began.
Who are you? Kyra asked, Are you God or something?
No, the voice answered, I am... the narrator!
Oh, the narrator, Kyra said in sudden realization, Hey... wait a minute...
Oh damn, Mer muttered, we've just gotten ourselves pulled into a fanfic.
Betcha didn't see that one coming, either.
May I continue now? the narrator asked.
Hey, where are we? Kyra asked.
I was getting to that, the narrator said, annoyed.
Don't mind her, Mer said, She has the attention span of a goldfish on Prozac.
That's the attention span of a GNAT, thankyouverymuch, Kyra said, offended.
I hate gnats! Mer whined.
Gnats are our friends, Kyra said, in an annoyingly sugar-sweet tone.
No they aren't, they always bite my nose! Mer snapped, And who are we making fun of, O Kyra-chan Who Despises Ants?
I just crush their colonies, I don't dig them up with a shovel! Kyra countered. ...like SOMEONE I know...
Mer glowered, taking a deep breath to prepare her next verbal assault.
Can you two just quit bickering?! the narrator demanded.
YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!! they shouted in unison.
Did you just hear something? asked a distant voice. It was impossible to tell where the voice belonged to a man or woman, though it was leaning toward the feminine side.
Any guesses as to who this could be?
No, it's not Quatre, thankyouverymuch. Kyra said suddenly.
Mer asked. Who are you talking to?
I dunno. Kyra said, shrugging.
Who is that? asked a silky, authoritative voice.
I-I don't believe it, Mer said, her eyes widening, that voice could only belong to...to the greatest Bishonen of all, the most beautiful man in the Universe, Hotohori-sama!
You called? Hotohori asked, somewhat smugly as the Suzaku shichiseishi and Miaka came into the clearing the two drenched authors were standing in. All of the shichiseishi were there...except Tamahome. We don't like Tamahome. Well...we like Tamahome, we just don't like Tamahome obsessing over Miaka.
I don't like Tamahome, Mer pointed out, for a moment breaking out of her fangirlish daze.
You shut up. Anyway...
Hey, are you two from my world? Miaka asked excitedly.
Kyra and Mer completely ignored Miaka. Not sure how much longer they could resist the ultimate temptation - some of their favorite bishonen were standing right in front of them.
Mer shouted, glomping Hotohori.
Well, um...she has good taste, the startled emperor said.
Kyra wasn't moving. Instead, she merely pointed toward the group of frozen Suzaku shichiseishi (after all, someone was HUGGING the EMPEROR. You just didn't do that), repeating, Kawaii. Kawaii. Kawaii... over and over again.
Um... guys? Hotohori said nervously, noticing the growing and sparkling eyes on Kyra's face - and realizing that it was the same look that the girl glomping him was wearing. You should probably run...
Tasuki asked, narrowing his eyes at the girl. Girls... ick.
See what this girl is doing to me?
Uh... yeah.
She's going to do it to one of you. Hotohori explained, rather calmly. Well, considering the circumstances... yeah, he was pretty calm.
Nuriko frowned. Who should run?
Um... probably you, Tasuki, and Chichiri... the girl looks like she's obsessing over an idol of some kind... Hotohori said, after thinking it over.
All right, no da... Chichiri said quietly, preparing to disappear into his hat.
You know, I like that hat. It's a nice hat...
Oh. Right. The story. Sorry bout that.
It was too late for anyone to run, though, because Kyra promptly snapped out of her daze and ran forward. Tasuki, Nuriko, and Chichiri ducked for cover - but Kyra ran right past them, and attached herself to the smallest of the Suzaku shichiseishi.
Oh, c'mon, guess... here's a clue - it isn't Mitsukake, as small as he may be.
Right.
........
Chiriko's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates as the short-but-surprisingly-strong-from-weight-lifting-at-track-although-she-hated-it-girl glomped him tightly.
Um... help? Please? Anyone? Chiriko whimpered.
....or she could hug him, too, that's also a possibility... Hotohori murmured, trying to sound like he wasn't just stating the obvious.
Gee, ya think? Tasuki asked, rolling his eyes.
I can't....breathe...anymore... Chiriko muttered.
Have you ever noticed how I never get a part in these scenes? Mitsukake asked of the world at large.
They've forgotten about me, too, the narrator whined.
For good reason., Kyra said to the sky, loosening her grip on Chiriko. His face really isn't supposed to be blue, she silently observed.
Unhand the Emperor, you demon-girl! Nuriko shouted, suddenly switching to SD and growing fangs.
But I'll take good care of him.... Mer whined, giving Nuriko puppy eyes.
THAT'S MY JOB!! Nuriko roared.
Hotohori simply sweatdropped. I don't mind her admiring me, Hotohori thought, looking down at Mer, but this really isn't very dignified...
Nuriko, calm down, he said after a while, I think she's tame...
So now YOU want to keep HER??? Nuriko demanded, looking at Mer with a look that would most likely have killed the girl, were she not busy gazing adoringly at Hotohori.
All of the shichiseishi stepped back, knowing that it wasn't wise to be around when Nuriko lost it. All of them except for Mitsukake, who knew he would be completely overlooked, and Tamahome...because he wasn't there, anyway.
But let's not go into that again.
Nuriko assumed a nervous tick. He couldn't harm the pesky fangirl without hurting the emperor. What can I do? he wondered, Why did MORE girls from the other world have to come?
Um...I still need some help... Chiriko said meekly, looking nervously at the psychotic author who was still holding him.
I know, Nuriko said through clenched teeth, but the Emperor is more important.
That was just MEAN! Kyra said, I can't believe that at one point you were my favorite character!
Well, he's right, Mer said.
Nobody asked you! Kyra shouted, Chiriko is more important than all of you lazy bums!
Miaka said, sweatdropping, I think that we should all calm down. I think it's great that we have some new visitors.
everyone demanded.
Miaka no baka, Mer said.
...she was on our side, Kyra said, glaring at Mer.
Yeah, but...'Miaka no baka'...it has a nice ring to it, don't you think? Mer reflected.
And then our heroines and the Suzaku shichiseishi were at the palace of Konan, the narrator said.
How the hell did we get here? Tasuki asked.
I don't care. I want to get this over with as soon as I can.
Then why don't you just leave? Kyra asked, still clutching Chiriko.
I can't. The network has me under contract.
Everyone sweatdropped, except Mitsukake. He had gone to a corner of the room and drifted off to sleep, secure in the knowledge that he would be completely overlooked. And Tamahome....still wasn't there. We still don't like him.
Will you quit saying that? You sound like the broken record, the official narrator said to the unofficial narrator, who had been putting in her opinion whenever she felt like it.
Tough.
Am I the only one who doesn't hear who this Narrator' guy is talking to? Tasuki asked. No one answered.
But somewhere, lost in space, Tamahome nodded.
Right...
Anyhow, back to the palace, Mer was still clutching onto Hotohori and Kyra to Chiriko. The other Suzaku shichiseishi were simply standing there, looking at the two unknown girls, with various thoughts running through their heads...
Death to unknown-demon-girl...., Nuriko thought viciously, thinking of the many possible ways he could do that.
How did we end up in this mess, no da?, Chichiri thought.
I wish I was back with the bandits, Tasuki thought, rolling his eyes.
ZZZZ..... Mitsukake thought, ignored by all.
I wonder why these girls are here... oh! I'm hungry!, Miaka thought.
WHERE AM I? MIAKA~~~~!.... Tamahome thought, still lost in time.
34565 x 46357 = 1602329705... 34566 x 46357 = 1602376062... Chiriko thought, having given up on being helped and deciding to review his times tables. But it would be awhile before they became challenging, of course...
Okay. That's just creepy... Kyra said.
What is?
Eh, nothing.
This isn't so bad..., Hotohori thought, looking in the hand mirror that Mer had just given him and admiring his exceptionally good looks. I am very beautiful...
Mer smiled. Yes, you are....
Hey, wait a minute... Hotohori thought. I didn't say that outloud...
Oh. Right.... Mer remembered. Sorry.
No problem. Hotohori thought. This is an exceptionally intelligent girl...
Thank you, Mer replied.
Hey!
Eh... oops...
Okay, enough telepathic dialogue for you two! the official narrator said, irritated.
Aha! This is my chance! Nuriko thought as Mer momentarily stepped away from the Emperor to get a hairbrush from a nearby table. Nuriko grabbed the nearest object to him, preparing to club the overzealous fangirl with it...
WHAT THE #$%@ ARE YOU DOING??? Tasuki demanded.
Oops, Gomen, Nuriko said, setting Tasuki back on his feet. Note to self: next time make sure nearest object is not alive.
Heeeey, note to self' is MY saying, Mer whined. I could sue you for copyright infringement!
Calm down, Hotohori ordered, smiling again as the girl was suddenly silent. I believe I have this under control...
Chiriko is still captive, Mitsukake said, waking for a moment and filling his responsibility of making relevant comments that would help the plot along.
Yes, would you let him go? Hotohori asked, sure that the girl would comply.
Not on your life, Your Arrogance! Kyra snapped.
Noooo, not the money!! Tamahome shouted somewhere, dropping a coin.
Cool, a Fushigi-Yuugi-type penny! Kyra exclaimed, picking it up but still managing to hold onto Chiriko.
Kyra-chan no baka! Mer shouted, quickly grabbing Hotohori, I like it here!
And a second plothole opened, engulfing our heroines and the bishonen they were holding onto.
You shouldn't start a sentence with . How did we get stuck with a narrator who uses terrible grammar? Okay, never mind...
Wait a minute, Kyra thought, this plothole is blue...and I hear sirens...this could be bad. Wonder where the penny thing came from, though. Hey.... where is the penny? I want the penny back!
The girls landed on a hard, tile floor, with the bishonen beside them. Mer only caught sight of some very official-looking shoes before she felt handcuffs clamped on her wrist.
You two are under arrest, a policeman said, Kidnapping bishonen without a license...you should be ashamed!
But they're so kawaii! Mer swooned.
I'll never give up Chiriko! Kyra yelled defiantly, clutching the boy even tighter.
If you don't, I'll be forced to shoot him, the policeman threatened.
Kyra shouted, letting go of Chiriko in total shock, You can't shoot a cute little boy! They'll take your badge away!
Kyra, they just took him while you were screaming. Mer pointed out.
Oh, crap... Kyra muttered.
Duped again, I see.
Shut up, you! Kyra snarled, glaring at the floor.
Who in the name of the Four Gods are you talking to? Mer asked.
I dunno.
Mer said as the policeman threw them into a dank cell, You said something about licenses!
Yeah, the Bishonen-seducing licenses. Permits all forms of Bishonen use, the policeman said.
BAD imagery! Kyra shouted.
Why do people in this fic keep stealing my expressions? Mer wondered.
she said aloud, can't we get some of those licenses?
Kyra and Mer whined in unison.
the policeman said, walking to the end of the corridor to stand watch. After all, a bishonen poacher who could capture Emperor Hotohori, and get around all those guards, not to mention Nuriko, would be very crafty and dangerous.
Mer grinned, reading the man's mind... somehow. Can I have a license now?
Well, Mer, we've been caught, Kyra said in the same sweet-enough-to-rot-your-teeth-in-five-seconds-tone she had used earlier, we've nothing to do but sing our theme song.
Oh, God, no...they have a theme song, the narrator said, losing all hope of getting out of the fic.
Ori wa, ori wa, ori wa, su su! Ori wa, ori wa ori wa su su! Ori wa, Oooori wa, ori wa, ori wa, ori wa su su! the girls sang.
What does that mean, anyway? the narrator asked, completely miffed by now.
I dunno, Kyra shrugged, as the girls went back to their song.
Ori wa, ori wa, ori wa, su su! Ori wa, ori wa ori wa su su! Ori wa, Oooori wa, ori wa, ori wa, ori wa su su! the girls repeating for the 5,607th time.
Well, at least now you know where the title came from, ne?
the policeman shouted, completely frazzled and twitching. I'll let you take the test to get the licenses.
Both girls smiled sweetly.
I told you that would work, Kyra stage-whispered to Mer.
The police-person (politically correct!) sweatdropped, but took the girls to the testing area.
Elsewhere in the jail, Chiriko and Hotohori were not enjoying themselves...
Okay, why were WE arrested?! Hotohori asked, frowning and leaning against a stone wall.
Chiriko shrugged. Apparently, we were accessories in an illegal Bishonen kidnapping.
....but we were the ones kidnapped!
Chiriko shrugged.
Anyway, back to our heroines...
Kyra bit her pencil's eraser. Hmm.... tastes like chicken... she thought, looking up at the sky and thinking.
Uh... Kyra. The test... remember?
Oh, shut up, you. Kyra murmured, glaring at the ground. The police-person gave her a look, but said nothing.
Despite the aforementioned statement, Kyra looked at the test:
1) After the Civil War, which Bishonen was assassinated at Ford's Theater?
a) Abraham Lincoln
b) Abraham Lincoln
c) Abraham Lincoln
d) Abey-dearest wasn't a Bishonen. He was a President.
Kyra sweatdropped. Did they even have Bishonen back then?
Now, onto Mer...
Dammit, why did this have to be multiple choice?! I'm a writer, I could have faked an essay test! But nooo.... of course not! Geez...
Mer looked at her arm, seeing the blurred notes scribbled on with various colors of ink. Hmm.... was this for Algebra or German? I dunno... maybe it'll help...
5) Why are Bishonen cute?
a) Some kind of chronicle disorder
b) The Gods made it that way.
c) To seduce stupid women like you.
d) 357.44
e) du Spinnst
Mer sweatdropped, and glanced at her arm... Damned ink...
I'M FINISHED! Kyra pronounced happily, raising her test in the air.
I've been finished for an hour. Mer said, yawning and waking up. What took you so long?
Kyra frowned, remembering...
~FLASHBACK!~
564) Why are you taking this test?
a) You wanted to get out of doing Math homework.
b) You wanted a Bishonen license
c) You fell in a ravine.
d) You picked up a penny.
Kyra muttered.
Maybe the test should stop playing with Kyra's mind.
Hey, do you know the answer to this?! Kyra griped to floor. The police-person stared in amusement mixed with worry.
......
I didn't think so.
~End FLASHBACK!~
No reason. Kyra said. By the way, what did you put for #564...?
No debating test results! the police-person said, looking over the tests. Okay, sadly enough, you both passed. Joy.
With what percentages? Mer asked.
Kyra had 67.3 percent. You had 67.30000000001 percent, the police-person replied.
Damned over-achiever, Kyra muttered, glaring at Mer.
Do we get our bishonen back now? Mer asked excitedly.
Okay, fine, the police-person said. If I humor them, they'll leave.
Meanwhile, back in Hotohori and Chiriko's cell, they found they were not the only occupants of the cell...
Well, ya see...I'm kinda a has-been...back in the 60's I was a real item. I was called the King of Rock-and-Roll, said a veeeeery familiar voice to anyone living in the modern United States.
Hotohori asked, puzzled.
It's a style of music from Miaka's world, Mitsukake said, from his place in the corner.
Where'd he come from? Elvis (you should have known it was him) asked.
There's really no way to tell, Chiriko explained, How'd you get here, Mitsukake?
I dunno, Mitsukake said boredly.
Hotohori said, ignoring Mitsukake's presence once again, what do you think is going to happen to us?
We're baaaaack! Mer and Kyra said as if on cue.
Chiriko and Hotohori both noticeably flinched. But Hotohori didn't flinch much, that wouldn't be fitting of the Most Beautiful Man in the Universe.
Unless you count Nuriko, Chiriko pointed out.
...you shut up, Hotohori muttered.
Who're you fellas talkin' to? Elvis asked.
Good news! Kyra said in her pure-sugar-oh-gods-I'm-going-to-vomit-if-I-here-this-one-more-time-voice, We got our licenses: we officially own you!
But-but- we were captured before you were legalized! You can't! Hotohori protested. She treats me well enough...but I want to go fawn over Miaka....
They're beginners, we decided to give them a break, the police-person said.
BS. You just wanted to get rid of them.
Yeah...that too, the police-person said, looking at the floor.
Who is he talking to? Chiriko asked.
I dunno, Kyra said.
The police-person unlocked the cell, and Kyra and Mer immediately ran to their officially-owned bishonen.
Hey there, penny for your thoughts? Elvis asked, tossing a penny in the air for no real reason besides to move the plot along.
Oooh! A penny! Kyra squealed, catching the coin in mid-air....
Another portal opened....(you should have the hang of it by now.)
And so another chapter in this saga which, with my luck, will be never-ending, begins...
***
Notes from Mer:
1) For the record, the first part of this really happened...sort of. The party existed, and we almost fell into the ravine. Luckily, (wait, unluckily...) Kyra did not see a penny.
2) I don't like Tamahome.
3) Mitsukake fans, please don't be angry. Mitsukake was kept mainly out of this fic for his own protection.
4) du Spinnst is German for You're completely out of your mind.
5) Bad imagery IS my saying.
6) I'm not sure if question #5 was b or c...it's really a toss-up.
7) I can't really read Hotohori's thoughts. If I could really get into his mind...*impure thought*
Notes from A-chan:
1) Bad Mer! *bashes Mer on the head*
2) Anyhow... I DID see a penny, actually. But I didn't pick it up. I *knew* this would happen... I did, I tell ya.... *goes crosseyed* Anyway...
3) I actually like Tamahome. ^^ Just not too much. ~.~;;
4) Mits-san! I'm sorry that we were mean to you! ....but, ah, like Mer said, it's for your own protection, sugar.
5) I love Chiriko. He is MUY GUAPO! (very cute!) Chiriko es muy muy MUY guapo! Kyra es Chiriko no miko (or so she wishes...). ^^
5) Uhm... next part takes place in Gundam Wing. I love Gundam Wing. I love Wufei. I love Duo. I love Quatre. Mer loves Millardo. *shrugs*
SKY ROCKET CHOCOLATE SYRUP
(full of yummy caffeine!)
MOUNTAIN DEW
(see above)
FUSHIGI YUUGI
(full of yummy Bishonen... obviously)
ELVIS
(and his assorted impersonators)
THAT RANDOM PLACE IN TIME WHERE WE SENT TAMAHOME
(gotta love that... very useful)
DIGIMON CROSSWORD PUZZLES
(didn't know they had those... x.X;;;)
BEING AWAKE AT 4:OO A.M.
(sleepovers are good for that)
PENNIES
(good ol' Abey-dearest)
THE MONKEES
(perfect writing music)
DEMON-GIRL HAIRDOS
(...you'll find out in a different fic)
PLOT HOLES
(many thanks to Haruka Shinra)
THE OFFICIAL & UNOFFICIAL NARRATORS
(who live in the sky & floor respectively... you DO know who they are, right...?)
^^;
Well, you're wrong.
See you at the next chapter!:
Bishonen Hunters #2: The Rummage Sale on L4