I do not own Inuyasha or the music used throughout this story.

Spotify playlist link is in my profile and on my tumblr: thisdumbbitchcantspell

Music is based more on the atmosphere. Songs aren't being played in the story unless otherwise described.

Trigger Warnings: This story contains violence, and discusses mental health topics such as anxiety, depression, and suicide. There's mention of cheating (NOT between main characters). Everyone has a potty mouth, Sota is a badass, and smutty goodness is to be expected.

Please review and don't forget to find me on tumblr for story updates!

INUYASHA

Ring. Ring. Ring.

I wake up with a start, my breath caught in my throat, ready to scream down a hallway that's only existing in the memories of a life I left behind.

Every night.

Every fucking night.

I dream of her every night. Nightmares more than dreams, because reliving what we had now that I can't have it is just excruciating. I always wake up the same: unable to breathe, the purple crescent moon mark on my wrist burning hot, my nose twitching, searching her out through scent. But she's never here.

That's my own fault.

I roll over and grab my phone from the nightstand, only sparing a quick glance at the clock to see it's nearly three in the morning. There's only one person that would be calling me this late, or I guess, this early.

I answer. "Taisho."

"Good morning, sunshine!" Miroku's irritatingly cheery voice pulls the last remnants of sleep from my mind. "I've got an assignment for you and it's urgent. Big bold red letters and all. Pretty hefty payday, too."

I sit up with a grunt, swinging my legs over the edge of the bed and put the phone on speaker beside me as I lean down to grab my boots. "Send me the file and I'll be on my way after I look it over."

"Already sent. See you at the office." He says before hanging up.

I lace up my boots, strapping my switchblade, her switchblade, to my leg before standing. I stretch my arms above my head and roll my head on my shoulders, hearing the cracks and pops of tension. This is the job, the routine. I get a call, I gear up, and I go.

Thus is the life of a contract killer.

It's not necessarily the dream, but it was the only choice I had. It's not like I went to college for two years to get my degree in engineering just to graduate and become a mercenary for my family's crime syndicate. After my father died and my half-brother took over the "family business" it was expected of me to step up as his second after Myoga decided to step down.

It was also the only way to protect the people I love.

Well, the person I love.

That was three years ago. The first call. There's not a day that goes by that I wish I didn't answer the phone. That I didn't leave her in that bed to wake up alone.

I shove down the painful memories of a life that seems a hundred miles away, a life that no longer exists for me. Walking over to the desk, I wiggle my mouse to wake up my computer screen and take my place in the desk chair. While it loads, I grab my cleaned and polished pistol and tuck it into my waistband. My black leather gloves come on next and the computer is finally showing its home screen. Clicking on the encrypted database we use as our means of communication, I look at my inbox for the file Miroku sent over.

My next target.

I don't ask why, how, or who orders them. I get a name, a location, and a deadline. I take out the target, send it in for a clean-up crew, collect my cut, then go back to waiting for the next call.

There's no room for error. No room for feelings, attachments, relationships…

I click on the file. As soon as the screen loads, the face of my target stares back at me along with a name that's been permanently tattooed into my skin right above my heart.

HIGURASHI, KAGOME

PRICE: $500,000 DEAD OR ALIVE

No.

No, no, no.

How the fuck… why the fuck…

My veins are ice. I feel like I'm about to pass out or throw up. This can't be happening.

What could she have done to be wanted in the underground? Who did she piss off? What could someone gain from the death or capture of my innocent little Kagome?

I stare at the photo. I remember the day it was taken. It's her senior portrait from college. She's sitting underneath the Goshinboku tree on her family's shrine grounds. She's smiling- no. She's laughing. I was there, standing right behind the photographer, making the stupidest faces just to mess with her. The result was the photographer capturing her in the middle of a laugh. Her blue eyes shining so bright focused right above the cameraman's head. Right at me. Her smile was wide, her beauty putting a heavy cinder block of emotion on my chest.

I haven't seen her since that night three years ago.

The night I left her.

The night I broke her heart.

And now someone wants me to kill her.

Fuck.

Cold - Crossfade

I pull into the parking lot of a nondescript building. I barely take my key out of the ignition of my black Charger before I'm sprinting towards the front door and tearing it open with such force, it startles Sango, another mercenary sitting at the front desk. I don't have time to give her an explanation and she doesn't ask for one as I bolt past her desk, heading straight to the main office.

Despite the hour, Sesshomaru sits behind the large mahogany desk, clicking away on his computer. He's dressed in his signature Armani suit, specially tailored so his obnoxiously large tail hangs over his shoulder. He's not even looking up as I barrel through the door. I try to keep my rage in check, but there's no hiding the way my every muscle is pulled taut, my back as stiff as an iron rod.

"Problem, Inuyasha?" Sesshomaru asks in a bored voice, still not looking up from his screen.

I suck my teeth and try to take a controlled breath. Losing my temper won't get me anywhere with him, but I'm also too keyed up to calm my frantic nerves. "My latest assignment."

He looks up. I never ask questions when I get an order. I'm an obedient little soldier for our syndicate, a hitman who does what he's told and collects my check at the end of the day.

Not today.

Sesshomaru leans back in his chair, considering me with an indifferent look. "What of it?"

"Who sent it?"

"We get our orders from a multitude of sources. Most of which use an alias or they're placed anonymously. We're just the executioners, Inuyasha, it's not of our concern who places the orders."

I shake my head. "Not good enough. I need a name."

"I can't give you a name." He shoots back at me. Then his brow furrows ever so slightly, almost a full expression from the stone wall that shares a father with me. "What's with you? You don't ask questions. You get your assignment, you do your job, and you collect the fee. End of transaction."

And apparently, end of the conversation to him as he turns back to the screen and starts typing again.

Hearing him say it all aloud makes my blood boil. I've killed hundreds of people. Humans, demons, whoever. All strangers. At least to me they were strangers. I'm a hired gun and nothing more. Feelings don't get involved. Call me a heartless bastard, I'll agree. I'm not a good person. I haven't been a good person in three years. I sold my soul so long ago, the rush of adrenaline bubbling to the surface now strikes an emotion I hate to feel.

Fear.

"I'm not taking the assignment." I declare, crossing my arms over my chest.

Sesshomaru looks back up and growls low in his throat. I can practically hear his jaw popping with my heightened hearing. "You will do as you are told."

"No. Not this mark. Not her."

"Her?" He asks, eyebrows raising a hair.

"You mean you don't know who my mark is?" My eyebrows raise and I shake my head. No, he wouldn't have accepted the order if he knew it was Kagome. Sesshomaru may have hated me growing up, but he always seemed to be okay with Kagome. She never took any of his shit, and he had no choice to respect her for it. Maybe he didn't like her persay. But he also didn't not like her.

"I cannot oversee every order that passes through our database, Inuyasha. Why does it matter who the target is? You've never cared before."

"Yeah, well, none of them were Kagome fucking Higurashi before." I damn near bark.

For a split second, I swear I see a flicker of something akin to panic in his eyes, but it's gone quickly. His eyes dart to the mark on my wrist before meeting mine again. "Your Kagome?"

I absently rub the purple crescent moon, a habit I've developed over the years. It feels like a molten hot nail being hammered into my chest with every breath I take. I have to swallow hard to force the words out. "Yeah." I swallow again. "My Kagome."

He's silent for a moment, his eyes falling to my wrist. We both know what the mark means, we've just never talked about it. It appeared on that night three years ago, burning into my skin the second Kagome and I-

Sesshomaru clears his throat and turns his attention back to the computer screen in front of him, typing and clicking away with more urgency than before. "The file says they want her dead or alive, which means there has to be some way to contact the contract buyer in case she's captured instead of killed. I'll see what I can find in regards to the sender. You'll be sent a new assignment in the meantime-"

"I have to go to Japan."

His typing stops abruptly as his eyes snap to mine, and if looks could kill, I'd be nothing but a corpse. "Out of the question."

"I'm not asking you. I'm telling you." I growl. "We both know another syndicate is going to pick up the hit once the sender finds out I'm not taking it. I need to protect her."

A beat passes, the room vibrating with tension. His eyes soften only a fraction. "She won't want to see you."

I clear my throat. "I know." The admission feels like acid in my throat. It's true. She won't want anything to do with me. I can't blame her. "But I have to protect her. If anything happens to her…"

I let the statement trail off as Seashomaru's nostrils flare. His hand comes up to pinch the bridge of his nose and that's when I know I've got him.

I can't help but think his giving into me has to do with his own desire to see Kagome safe and unharmed. As I said, he always respected her.

"Take Miroku and Sango. Miroku will be your second, Sango is your communications. I want updates every 4 hours. I'll call the airport and tell them to prepare the private jet. Make sure you set up a safe house down there during the flight. And Inuyasha?" My foot is already out the door as I turn and look at him over my shoulder. "Don't fuck up."

I know he's not talking about the job this time. He's talking about Kagome. Despite the heaviness of the situation, I can't help the smile that creeps along the corners of my lips. Even if she wants nothing to do with me. Even if she refuses to speak to me, even if she purifies me at first sight with one of her throwing knives.

I'll get to see her again, in person instead of reliving our memories in my dreams every night as I have been for three whole years. I'll get to smell that familiar, beautiful scent of wildflowers and rain. I'll get to indulge myself in her presence, let myself feel again. For just a moment.

A blissful, bittersweet moment, right before she kills me for leaving her and breaking her heart three years ago. Thinking of the betrayal that will be in her eyes when she sees me again takes my mind back to the fight we had back then. Our first fight. The fight that changed our friendship. That changed our lives.

I get Miroku and Sango up to speed on the way to the airport. Miroku already knows a bit about Kagome and who she is to me, but no one on the planet truly knows the full story. No one knows what the mark on my wrist means, most assuming it's just another one of my tattoos.

But it's so much more than that.

I lightly trace the outline with the pad of my thumb, knowing she can feel it.

Once on the private jet, I give myself some reprieve to close my eyes, letting myself drift off to sleep while picturing the face of the only person that ever loved me.

What If We Could - Blue October

3 YEARS AGO

"I'm not lying to you, Inuyasha! I saw her, I know what I saw!" Kagome screamed at me. I can see the angry tears pricking the corners of her eyes and even though the scent of her tears makes my stomach churn, I can't believe she's still keeping up such a farce.

"There's no way, Kagome!" I yell back. "You're lying!" My anger, my rage, my confusion, it's all coming to the surface and she's the only person around to catch the spillover. She's always the one I lean on. I've never been mad at her, not like this. But I just can't believe what she's telling me. There has to be some other kind of explanation.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" She narrows her eyes and throws her arms over her head, exasperated. "In all of the years you've known me, when have I ever lied to you, Inu? Tell me, what do I possibly have to gain from lying to you?"

My head is spinning. My best friend, my rock, my person, the one I've been in love with for years but could never have, is now telling me something that part of me already knew was true. But having it confirmed like this, having my best friend be the one that found them, I just can't accept it. It's too much.

When I remain silent, she grinds her teeth. "Of course, you'd believe your precious Kikyo over your best fucking friend."

I boil over. I snap.

"Oh, fuck off, Kagome!" My outburst makes her jump, but I can't stop. "You've never liked Kikyo, it doesn't surprise me one bit that you'd lie through your teeth just to see us break up. You couldn't stand the fact that I got a girlfriend and you were left out. You've been up my ass about her since day one. Is that why you've been so damn moody lately? Because you're jealous? Are you pissed at me because I don't want to be alone and fucking miserable like you? Maybe guys would actually fucking like you if you stopped acting like you're better than everyone. Grow the fuck up!"

My final words make her flinch like I smacked her, and I might as well have from the heartbreak that's shining in her eyes, now manifesting into silent tears running down her cheeks. My rage immediately dissolves into regret. None of those words mean anything, not a single one. She hung the fucking moon for me and I just tore hers down like it was nothing.

My ears flattened against my skull as I take a careful step toward her. "Kitten, I didn't mean-"

"Fuck you, Inuyasha." She chokes out, then she turns on her heels and bolts out of the doorway and through the hallway. Her raven hair taunting me in its wave goodbye.

"Kitten!" I yell her name, the nickname only I ever get to use for her, down the hallway. "Kagome!"

She disappears, and It's only then I realize how much I just fucked up.

How the fuck am I going to fix this?