The Compressed Macbeth
By Oni Hime
Act II, Scene i
Banquo: my, what a strange night.
Fleance: It's late. go to bed.
Banquo: Shut up, son.
(Enter Macbeth)
Macbeth: it's late. Go to bed.
Banquo: Shut up, Macbeth. I dreamt last night of the 3 witches.
Macbeth: That's nice. Go to bed.
Banquo: Fine. Geez, pushy. Come on, son.
Fleance: I'll stay here.
Macbeth: Go to bed.
Banquo: I have a sneaking suspicion i should be suspicious of your behavior.
Macbeth: That's nice.
Banuo: Isn't it?
(Banquo and Fleance exit)
Macbeth: Oh, look! A dagger! Shall i fixate on it? Yeah, okay. Nothing better to do.
(bell rings)
Macbeth: Oh my Valentine! That's my cue! I'll finish with a rhyming couplet, then my vile deed I'll do!
Act II, Scene ii
Lady Macbeth: I'm drunk. I'm bold. An owl screeched. How scary. Oh, look! HEre comes my husband. he's covered in blood. How subtle.
Macbeth: Yo. It's done.
Lady Macbeth: No. really?
Macbeth: Actually yes, but i brought the daggers with me and i'm too traumatised to take them back again.
Lady Macbeth: Coward! Wimp! Woman!
Macbeth: Now that was a bit harsh, don't you think?
(knocking is heard)
Macbeth: Oh, hark! I hear knocking.
Lady macbeth: Well, whoop-de-doo. Bedtime for us!
Macbeth: Stupid noisy knocking people.
Act II, Scene iii
(knocking)
Porter: hello, I'm a porter, here to provide more irony, or the equivalent of an Elizabethian ad-break, by calling myself the Porter of hell's gate and pissing off whoever is on the other side of the gate by being roaring dunk and rambling at them.
Audience: Yay!
Macduff: You're roaring dunk and rambling at me. It's pissing me off. Stop it.
Porter: Right.
(Macbeth enters)
Macbeth: Yo, my mate Macduff! I have been SOUND ALSEEP IN MY BED.
Macduff: That's nice.
Macbeth: I know. Had a lovely night's sleep. Was there all night, didn't leave my room once.
Macduff: Right. Well, i'll go bother Duncan.
Macbeth: Sounds like fun, I'll do it for you.
Macduff: Uh... no.
(Exit Macduff)
Lennox: Well Macbeth, let's make meaningless smalltalk.
Macbeth: Sounds like fun.
(Enter Macduff)
Macduff: He's dead!
Macbeth: Who's dead?
Macduff: The king, you Moron!
Macbeth: Bummer.
Lennox: Let's go ogle at his corpse!
Macbeth: Yay!
(Exit Macbeth and Lennox)
Macduff: Make lots of noise! Bang the pots and pans! Duncan is dead!
(Enter Lady Macbeth)
Lady Macbeth: What the hell is going on??
Macduff: I'm a mysoginist bastard so i'm going discriminate against you because of your sex.
Lady Macbeth: Oh, okay. That's nice.
(Enter Banquo)
Macduff: Since you're male, i'm going to spill the beans to you.
Banquo: Yay.
Macduff: Duncan's dead.
Banquo Yay... i... mean... oh no! oh horror!
Lady Macbeth: In our house? How embarassing!
Banquo: It's a horrible thing to happen anywhere, you nasty shallow woman!
(Enter Macbeth and Lennox)
Macbeth: Woe! Alack! Oh the horror! Oh the woe! Oh the sadness!
Macduff: Shutup.
Macbeth: But... but...
Lennox: Let's punish the guards!
Macbeth: Oops...
Macduff: Oops?
Macbeth: Oops?
Macduff: You said 'Oops...'
Macbeth: No i didn't!
Macduff: Yes you did, i distinctly heard Oops.
Macbeth: Must have been the wind.
Macduff: The wind doesn't say oops.
Macbeth: Fine, i killed the guards.
Macduff: Smart move, idiot.
Macbeth: Shut up.
Lady Macbeth: looks like I need to faint to get my husband out of a tight spot... Help Me Hence, ho!
Malcolm: Daddy...
Donalbain: Someone killed him.
Malcolm: No, really?
Donalbain: Let's run away!
Malcolm: Smart idea! that'll place all the suspicion on us!
Donalbain; Yes, but we'll be hiding out far away!
Malcolm: I like the way you think.
Act II, Scene iv
Old man: Let's waste time and ramble!
Ross: Sounds fun!
Old Man: Ramble ramble
Ross: Ramble ramble ramble.
Old Man: Ramble.
Ross: This is a pointless scene.
(Enter Macduff)
Macduff: no it's not.
Ross: Yes it is.
Old Man: Why?
Macduff: Because i must tell you that i believe Macbeth murdered Duncan.
Ros: That's very meaningful.
Macduff: I told you it was an important scene.
-- End Act 2--
This kind of stuff is addictive. Really addictive. I don't recommend it. I should be working on an Essay, but nooo... i wonder how my English Teacher would feel if I showed this to her. Mwah hahaha. We're analysing Macbeth at the moment. I love it.
Anyway, review, please! Please! (begs once more) I only just started at ffNET and I have no reviews! it's depressing. sigh.
By Oni Hime
Act II, Scene i
Banquo: my, what a strange night.
Fleance: It's late. go to bed.
Banquo: Shut up, son.
(Enter Macbeth)
Macbeth: it's late. Go to bed.
Banquo: Shut up, Macbeth. I dreamt last night of the 3 witches.
Macbeth: That's nice. Go to bed.
Banquo: Fine. Geez, pushy. Come on, son.
Fleance: I'll stay here.
Macbeth: Go to bed.
Banquo: I have a sneaking suspicion i should be suspicious of your behavior.
Macbeth: That's nice.
Banuo: Isn't it?
(Banquo and Fleance exit)
Macbeth: Oh, look! A dagger! Shall i fixate on it? Yeah, okay. Nothing better to do.
(bell rings)
Macbeth: Oh my Valentine! That's my cue! I'll finish with a rhyming couplet, then my vile deed I'll do!
Act II, Scene ii
Lady Macbeth: I'm drunk. I'm bold. An owl screeched. How scary. Oh, look! HEre comes my husband. he's covered in blood. How subtle.
Macbeth: Yo. It's done.
Lady Macbeth: No. really?
Macbeth: Actually yes, but i brought the daggers with me and i'm too traumatised to take them back again.
Lady Macbeth: Coward! Wimp! Woman!
Macbeth: Now that was a bit harsh, don't you think?
(knocking is heard)
Macbeth: Oh, hark! I hear knocking.
Lady macbeth: Well, whoop-de-doo. Bedtime for us!
Macbeth: Stupid noisy knocking people.
Act II, Scene iii
(knocking)
Porter: hello, I'm a porter, here to provide more irony, or the equivalent of an Elizabethian ad-break, by calling myself the Porter of hell's gate and pissing off whoever is on the other side of the gate by being roaring dunk and rambling at them.
Audience: Yay!
Macduff: You're roaring dunk and rambling at me. It's pissing me off. Stop it.
Porter: Right.
(Macbeth enters)
Macbeth: Yo, my mate Macduff! I have been SOUND ALSEEP IN MY BED.
Macduff: That's nice.
Macbeth: I know. Had a lovely night's sleep. Was there all night, didn't leave my room once.
Macduff: Right. Well, i'll go bother Duncan.
Macbeth: Sounds like fun, I'll do it for you.
Macduff: Uh... no.
(Exit Macduff)
Lennox: Well Macbeth, let's make meaningless smalltalk.
Macbeth: Sounds like fun.
(Enter Macduff)
Macduff: He's dead!
Macbeth: Who's dead?
Macduff: The king, you Moron!
Macbeth: Bummer.
Lennox: Let's go ogle at his corpse!
Macbeth: Yay!
(Exit Macbeth and Lennox)
Macduff: Make lots of noise! Bang the pots and pans! Duncan is dead!
(Enter Lady Macbeth)
Lady Macbeth: What the hell is going on??
Macduff: I'm a mysoginist bastard so i'm going discriminate against you because of your sex.
Lady Macbeth: Oh, okay. That's nice.
(Enter Banquo)
Macduff: Since you're male, i'm going to spill the beans to you.
Banquo: Yay.
Macduff: Duncan's dead.
Banquo Yay... i... mean... oh no! oh horror!
Lady Macbeth: In our house? How embarassing!
Banquo: It's a horrible thing to happen anywhere, you nasty shallow woman!
(Enter Macbeth and Lennox)
Macbeth: Woe! Alack! Oh the horror! Oh the woe! Oh the sadness!
Macduff: Shutup.
Macbeth: But... but...
Lennox: Let's punish the guards!
Macbeth: Oops...
Macduff: Oops?
Macbeth: Oops?
Macduff: You said 'Oops...'
Macbeth: No i didn't!
Macduff: Yes you did, i distinctly heard Oops.
Macbeth: Must have been the wind.
Macduff: The wind doesn't say oops.
Macbeth: Fine, i killed the guards.
Macduff: Smart move, idiot.
Macbeth: Shut up.
Lady Macbeth: looks like I need to faint to get my husband out of a tight spot... Help Me Hence, ho!
Malcolm: Daddy...
Donalbain: Someone killed him.
Malcolm: No, really?
Donalbain: Let's run away!
Malcolm: Smart idea! that'll place all the suspicion on us!
Donalbain; Yes, but we'll be hiding out far away!
Malcolm: I like the way you think.
Act II, Scene iv
Old man: Let's waste time and ramble!
Ross: Sounds fun!
Old Man: Ramble ramble
Ross: Ramble ramble ramble.
Old Man: Ramble.
Ross: This is a pointless scene.
(Enter Macduff)
Macduff: no it's not.
Ross: Yes it is.
Old Man: Why?
Macduff: Because i must tell you that i believe Macbeth murdered Duncan.
Ros: That's very meaningful.
Macduff: I told you it was an important scene.
-- End Act 2--
This kind of stuff is addictive. Really addictive. I don't recommend it. I should be working on an Essay, but nooo... i wonder how my English Teacher would feel if I showed this to her. Mwah hahaha. We're analysing Macbeth at the moment. I love it.
Anyway, review, please! Please! (begs once more) I only just started at ffNET and I have no reviews! it's depressing. sigh.