The Compressed MAcbeth
By Oni Hime
Act III, Scene i
Banquo: Macbeth has everything. Stupid lying cheating scum. Howsabout i show some blatant self-interest and disappoint the Ausince who thought i was good and valliant?
Audience: Dammit.
(Enter lots of people)
Macbeth: Oh look, it's Banquo.
Banquo: I hate you.
Macbeth: That's nice.
Lady Macbeth: Ahahaha... we all forgot about him.
Banquo: I hate you all.
Lady Macbeth: That's nice.
Macbeth: We're having a party. Wanna come?
Banquo: Make me.
Macbeth: I'm making you.
Banquo: Dammit. Fine, I'll come.
Macbeth: I'll ask a seemingly innocuous question now.
Banquo: Allrighty.
Macbeth: What will you be doing until dinner?
Banquo: Horseriding.
Macbeth: Really?
Banquo: Yes.
Macbeth: Are you sure?
Banquo: Yes.
Macbeth: You wont change your plans?
Banquo: No.
Macbeth: There, that was nice and subtle, wasn't it.
Banquo: Oh, definately.
Macbeth: Change topic.
Lady Macbeth: Good idea.
Mabeth: Those fiends, those scurges, those patricidal maniacs have fled.
All: Who?
Macbeth: Malcolm and Donalbain, actually.
All: Ah.
Macbeth: I'm going to try and place the blame for Duncan's murder on them now.
All: Okay.
Macbeth: So you're going riding?
Banquo: Yes.
Macbeth: With Fleance?
Banquo: Yes.
Macbeth: Excellent. Well, have a nice time.
(Exit Banquo)
Macbeth: Well, i need to go scheme, so everyone leave me alone. Even you, my psychotic wife.
Lady Macbeth: I feel rejected.
(Exit everyone except Macbeth)
(Enter messenger)
Macbeth: Are the murderers here?
Messenger: Yep.
Macbeth: Yay! Send 'em in!
(Exit Messenger)
Macbeth: I don't like Banquo. I don't trust him. He should Die! Yay!
(Enter Murderers)
Macbeth: Kill Banquo
Murderer 1: No.
Macbeth: Kill Banquo
Murderer 2: Why?
Macbeth: Kill Banquo
Murderer 1: Why?
Macbeth: Kill Banquo
Murderer 2: Fine.
Macbeth: Yay! Banquo is enemy to all of us.
Murderer 1: Just shut up.
Macbeth: Fine.
(Exit Murderers)
Macbeth; Well, finish with a nice rhyming couplet and the I'll be gone too this scene is too long... ... let's all smoke a bong!
Act III, Scene ii
Lady Macbeth: Is Banquo finally gone?
Servant: Yep.
Lady Macbeth: Finally. Tell my bastard husband to get his ass over here.
Servant: Righty o.
(Exit Servant)
Lady Macbeth: I'm depressed.
(Enter Macbeth)
Lady Macbeth: Hello, I'm depressed but I'm going to pretend that i'm not for your benefit.
Macbeth: I'm depressed.
Lady Macbeth: Well that's just fine and dandy.
Macbeth: I know.
Lady Macbeth: So, what about Banquo.
Macbeth: I'm going topatronise you now.
Lady Macbeth: I sense a breakdown in our relationship that could ultimately drive me insane.
Macbeth: Bummer.
Act III, Scene iii
3rd Murderer: Hello, I'm a mysterious person who Macbeth sent to intrigue Shakespeare commentators for centuries.
1st Murderer: Welcome aboard, son.
2nd Murderer: Here comes Banquo!
(Enter Banquo and Fleance)
Banquo: This is the scene where I, the tragic hero, die because Macbeth is a bastard.
Audience: Awww...
1st Murderer: This is where we do what we do best!
2nd Murderer: Die, scum!
Banquo: I'm dead. Bummer.
3rd Murderer: The kid's getting away!
1st Muderer: stab slash thrust gore dismember
2nd Murderer: Banquo is definately dead.
All: Yay!
Act III, Scene iv
Macbeth: Oh, golly gosh darnitt. Even after all that, Banquo isn't here. How disappointing.
Lady Macbeth: Not to mention suprising.
(Enter 1st Murderer)
Macbeth: Oh look... there's the mu... muddy child!
All: What?
Macbeth: Oh, nothing.
1st Murderer: We screwed up.
Macbeth: Crap.
(Exit 1st Murderer)
Lady Macbeth: Siddown, bastard.
Macbeth: Right. Let's all eat, drink and be merry.
All: Yay!
Macbeth: I'll go sit over here.
Lennox: There's a seat for you here!
Macbeth: No there's not. The distrubingly gory ghost of Banquo which i will now fixate on is sitting there.
Lennox: ... oh.
Macbeth: Oh my god, it's a freaky bloody ghost of Banquo [aside]Who i most assuredly didn't kill[/aside]
Lady Macbeth: Don't mind him. he's insane.
All: Oh. Cool.
Macbeth: I feel that was in some way signicifant.
Lady Macbeth: Nah. Now everyone thinks you're insane. It's cool.
Macbeth: Yay!
Lennox: I get the feeling this scene has been butchered.
Audience: Yay!
Act III, Scene v
Hecate: This is an entirely irrelevant scene, possibly not even written by Shakespeare, but it's cool because i get to speak the whole thing in rhyme.
Audience: Yay!
Act III, Scene vi
Lennox: I'm a minor character but i get a nice long speech about how nasty macbeth is.
Lord: I'm such a minor character i don't even have a name, but i agree with Lennox.
Lennox: Yay!
--End Scene 3--
Okay. Now it's LATE at night, i'm tired, sleepy and bored, but this damned thing is so golly gosh darnitt addictive! Damnit.
Review and i'll love you forever.
By Oni Hime
Act III, Scene i
Banquo: Macbeth has everything. Stupid lying cheating scum. Howsabout i show some blatant self-interest and disappoint the Ausince who thought i was good and valliant?
Audience: Dammit.
(Enter lots of people)
Macbeth: Oh look, it's Banquo.
Banquo: I hate you.
Macbeth: That's nice.
Lady Macbeth: Ahahaha... we all forgot about him.
Banquo: I hate you all.
Lady Macbeth: That's nice.
Macbeth: We're having a party. Wanna come?
Banquo: Make me.
Macbeth: I'm making you.
Banquo: Dammit. Fine, I'll come.
Macbeth: I'll ask a seemingly innocuous question now.
Banquo: Allrighty.
Macbeth: What will you be doing until dinner?
Banquo: Horseriding.
Macbeth: Really?
Banquo: Yes.
Macbeth: Are you sure?
Banquo: Yes.
Macbeth: You wont change your plans?
Banquo: No.
Macbeth: There, that was nice and subtle, wasn't it.
Banquo: Oh, definately.
Macbeth: Change topic.
Lady Macbeth: Good idea.
Mabeth: Those fiends, those scurges, those patricidal maniacs have fled.
All: Who?
Macbeth: Malcolm and Donalbain, actually.
All: Ah.
Macbeth: I'm going to try and place the blame for Duncan's murder on them now.
All: Okay.
Macbeth: So you're going riding?
Banquo: Yes.
Macbeth: With Fleance?
Banquo: Yes.
Macbeth: Excellent. Well, have a nice time.
(Exit Banquo)
Macbeth: Well, i need to go scheme, so everyone leave me alone. Even you, my psychotic wife.
Lady Macbeth: I feel rejected.
(Exit everyone except Macbeth)
(Enter messenger)
Macbeth: Are the murderers here?
Messenger: Yep.
Macbeth: Yay! Send 'em in!
(Exit Messenger)
Macbeth: I don't like Banquo. I don't trust him. He should Die! Yay!
(Enter Murderers)
Macbeth: Kill Banquo
Murderer 1: No.
Macbeth: Kill Banquo
Murderer 2: Why?
Macbeth: Kill Banquo
Murderer 1: Why?
Macbeth: Kill Banquo
Murderer 2: Fine.
Macbeth: Yay! Banquo is enemy to all of us.
Murderer 1: Just shut up.
Macbeth: Fine.
(Exit Murderers)
Macbeth; Well, finish with a nice rhyming couplet and the I'll be gone too this scene is too long... ... let's all smoke a bong!
Act III, Scene ii
Lady Macbeth: Is Banquo finally gone?
Servant: Yep.
Lady Macbeth: Finally. Tell my bastard husband to get his ass over here.
Servant: Righty o.
(Exit Servant)
Lady Macbeth: I'm depressed.
(Enter Macbeth)
Lady Macbeth: Hello, I'm depressed but I'm going to pretend that i'm not for your benefit.
Macbeth: I'm depressed.
Lady Macbeth: Well that's just fine and dandy.
Macbeth: I know.
Lady Macbeth: So, what about Banquo.
Macbeth: I'm going topatronise you now.
Lady Macbeth: I sense a breakdown in our relationship that could ultimately drive me insane.
Macbeth: Bummer.
Act III, Scene iii
3rd Murderer: Hello, I'm a mysterious person who Macbeth sent to intrigue Shakespeare commentators for centuries.
1st Murderer: Welcome aboard, son.
2nd Murderer: Here comes Banquo!
(Enter Banquo and Fleance)
Banquo: This is the scene where I, the tragic hero, die because Macbeth is a bastard.
Audience: Awww...
1st Murderer: This is where we do what we do best!
2nd Murderer: Die, scum!
Banquo: I'm dead. Bummer.
3rd Murderer: The kid's getting away!
1st Muderer: stab slash thrust gore dismember
2nd Murderer: Banquo is definately dead.
All: Yay!
Act III, Scene iv
Macbeth: Oh, golly gosh darnitt. Even after all that, Banquo isn't here. How disappointing.
Lady Macbeth: Not to mention suprising.
(Enter 1st Murderer)
Macbeth: Oh look... there's the mu... muddy child!
All: What?
Macbeth: Oh, nothing.
1st Murderer: We screwed up.
Macbeth: Crap.
(Exit 1st Murderer)
Lady Macbeth: Siddown, bastard.
Macbeth: Right. Let's all eat, drink and be merry.
All: Yay!
Macbeth: I'll go sit over here.
Lennox: There's a seat for you here!
Macbeth: No there's not. The distrubingly gory ghost of Banquo which i will now fixate on is sitting there.
Lennox: ... oh.
Macbeth: Oh my god, it's a freaky bloody ghost of Banquo [aside]Who i most assuredly didn't kill[/aside]
Lady Macbeth: Don't mind him. he's insane.
All: Oh. Cool.
Macbeth: I feel that was in some way signicifant.
Lady Macbeth: Nah. Now everyone thinks you're insane. It's cool.
Macbeth: Yay!
Lennox: I get the feeling this scene has been butchered.
Audience: Yay!
Act III, Scene v
Hecate: This is an entirely irrelevant scene, possibly not even written by Shakespeare, but it's cool because i get to speak the whole thing in rhyme.
Audience: Yay!
Act III, Scene vi
Lennox: I'm a minor character but i get a nice long speech about how nasty macbeth is.
Lord: I'm such a minor character i don't even have a name, but i agree with Lennox.
Lennox: Yay!
--End Scene 3--
Okay. Now it's LATE at night, i'm tired, sleepy and bored, but this damned thing is so golly gosh darnitt addictive! Damnit.
Review and i'll love you forever.