The Compressed Macbeth
By Oni Hime
Act IV, Scene i
Witch 1: Now we're going to say the line which becomes a cliché for witches everywhere!
Audience: Yay!
Witches: Double, double, toil and trouble; Fire, burn; and caldron, bubble.
Audience: That was cool.
Witches: Blood and guts and gory things. Nasty critters with scary wings.
(Enter Hecate)
Witch 2: Oh look, Macbeth! What a suprise.
Hecate: I'm not Macbeth.
Witch 3: Dammit.
(Exit Hecate)
Witches: Something wicked's coming!
Witch 1: Wonder what?
Witch 2: Wonder who?
(Enter Macbeth)
Witch 3: Oh, hi Macbeth. We were just saying something evil's coming. Guess that's you.
Macbeth: Bite me.
Witch 1: So, you wanna chat with the cheese?
Macbeth: Sure, sounds fun. More prophesies for me to fixate on!
Witch 2: Please drink this disgusting drink which may or may not be laced with a hallucenogenic drug.
Macbeth: Okay.
First Apparition: Macduff's gunna kill ya.
Macbeth: Dammit.
Second Apparition: No one of woman born shall harm you.
Macbeth: Then Macduff wont kill me.
Second Apparition: Yes, he will.
Macbeth: I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.
Third Apparition: You'll lose when trees attack your castle.
Macbeth: Yay! Trees! Tell me more.
Witches: No.
Macbeth: Tell me more, dammit.
Witches: Fine.
(8 Kings appear)
Macbeth: Oh, look! There's Banquo! and Banquo Jnr! And Banquo Jnr. Jnr! Dammit, this isn't good.
Witches: Well, gotta dash!
Macbeth: Later, freaks.
(Exit Witches)
Macbeth: Well, that was typically scary and confusing.
(Enter Lennox)
Lennox: Hello, my freakish leige.
Macbeth: Wassup?
Lennox: You look a bit freakish.
Macbeth: CHANGING TOPIC
Act IV, Scene ii
Lady Macduff: This is a stupid scene where i feel rejected and call my husband a traitor because he abandonned me.
Murderer 1: Then we pop up and slaughter Macduff's enire family.
Murderer 2: Including her.
Lady Macduff: Dammit.
Audience: Yay!
Act IV, Scene iii
Malcolm: I suck. I'm stupid.
Macduff: No, you're not.
Malcolm: Yes i am. And I'm horny too.
Macduff: No, you're not.
Malcolm: Plus, I'm weak and cowardly.
Macduff: Okay, you suck.
Malcolm: No I don't.
(Enter Doctor)
Doctor: I'll spout some gibberish about Macbeth now.
(Exit Doctor)
Malcolm: My turn! Gibberish gibberish gibberish.
Macduff: ... right.
(Enter Ross)
Macduff: How's my family?
Ross: Oh, fine and dandy.
Macduff: Really?
Ross: Actually, they've been savagely slaughtered at the hands of Macbeth.
Macduff: Bummer.
Malcolm: Let's kill Macbeth!
Macduff & Ross: Yay!
--End Act 4--
Well, that was nice and short!
By Oni Hime
Act IV, Scene i
Witch 1: Now we're going to say the line which becomes a cliché for witches everywhere!
Audience: Yay!
Witches: Double, double, toil and trouble; Fire, burn; and caldron, bubble.
Audience: That was cool.
Witches: Blood and guts and gory things. Nasty critters with scary wings.
(Enter Hecate)
Witch 2: Oh look, Macbeth! What a suprise.
Hecate: I'm not Macbeth.
Witch 3: Dammit.
(Exit Hecate)
Witches: Something wicked's coming!
Witch 1: Wonder what?
Witch 2: Wonder who?
(Enter Macbeth)
Witch 3: Oh, hi Macbeth. We were just saying something evil's coming. Guess that's you.
Macbeth: Bite me.
Witch 1: So, you wanna chat with the cheese?
Macbeth: Sure, sounds fun. More prophesies for me to fixate on!
Witch 2: Please drink this disgusting drink which may or may not be laced with a hallucenogenic drug.
Macbeth: Okay.
First Apparition: Macduff's gunna kill ya.
Macbeth: Dammit.
Second Apparition: No one of woman born shall harm you.
Macbeth: Then Macduff wont kill me.
Second Apparition: Yes, he will.
Macbeth: I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.
Third Apparition: You'll lose when trees attack your castle.
Macbeth: Yay! Trees! Tell me more.
Witches: No.
Macbeth: Tell me more, dammit.
Witches: Fine.
(8 Kings appear)
Macbeth: Oh, look! There's Banquo! and Banquo Jnr! And Banquo Jnr. Jnr! Dammit, this isn't good.
Witches: Well, gotta dash!
Macbeth: Later, freaks.
(Exit Witches)
Macbeth: Well, that was typically scary and confusing.
(Enter Lennox)
Lennox: Hello, my freakish leige.
Macbeth: Wassup?
Lennox: You look a bit freakish.
Macbeth: CHANGING TOPIC
Act IV, Scene ii
Lady Macduff: This is a stupid scene where i feel rejected and call my husband a traitor because he abandonned me.
Murderer 1: Then we pop up and slaughter Macduff's enire family.
Murderer 2: Including her.
Lady Macduff: Dammit.
Audience: Yay!
Act IV, Scene iii
Malcolm: I suck. I'm stupid.
Macduff: No, you're not.
Malcolm: Yes i am. And I'm horny too.
Macduff: No, you're not.
Malcolm: Plus, I'm weak and cowardly.
Macduff: Okay, you suck.
Malcolm: No I don't.
(Enter Doctor)
Doctor: I'll spout some gibberish about Macbeth now.
(Exit Doctor)
Malcolm: My turn! Gibberish gibberish gibberish.
Macduff: ... right.
(Enter Ross)
Macduff: How's my family?
Ross: Oh, fine and dandy.
Macduff: Really?
Ross: Actually, they've been savagely slaughtered at the hands of Macbeth.
Macduff: Bummer.
Malcolm: Let's kill Macbeth!
Macduff & Ross: Yay!
--End Act 4--
Well, that was nice and short!