The Compressed Macbeth
By Oni Hime
Act V, Scene i
Gentlewoman: She's nuts.
Doctor: Bonkers?
Gentlewoman: Stark raving mad.
Doctor: Bummer.
(Enter Lady Macbeth)
Lady Macbeth: Hands dirty, hands dirty.
Doctor: That's a bit freaky...
Lady Macbeth: Apparently i am so wracked by guilt for the murders my husband committed that I've gone insane and am constantly fixating on an imagined spot of blood on my hands. Sucks to be me.
Doctor: That's really freaky.
Gentlewoman: Try being me.
Doctor: What?
Lady Macbeth: Dammit.
(Exit Lady Macbeth)
Gentleoman: So? What do you think?
Doctor: She's nuts.
Gentlewoman: No. Really?
Act V, Scene ii
Malcolm: I know! Why don't we cut down the forest and sneak towards the castle hiding behind branches like 3 year olds? Then we can kill Macbeth!
Act V, Scene iii
Macbeth: time for me to obsess over the Second Apparition's Prophecy...
Servant: There's 10 Thousand-
Macbeth: Geese?
Servent: Uh... soldiers, actually.
Macbeth: Dammit. I had a craving for roast goose.
(Exit Servant)
Macbeth: seyton... Oh Seyton... Here Seyton Seyton Seyton!
(Enter Seyton)
Seyton: Woof.
Macbeth: Let's make us some WAR!
Seyton: Yay!
Act V, Scene iv
Malcolm: How are those branches coming boys?
All: Done!
Malcolm: Then lets go whip some Macbethian ass!
Act V, Scene v
Macbeth: WAR! (evil laugh)
(Cry of a woman is heard)
Macbeth: What was that?
Seyton: The cry of a woman.
Macbeth: Go see what it was.
(Exit Seyton)
Macbeth: I'm scared.
(Enter Seyton)
Seyton: She's dead.
Macbeth: Who?
Seyton: Your wife.
Macbeth: Dammit. I'm depressed.
Audience: Yay!
Macbeth: My life sucks. Life sucks. The world sucks. I hate my life.
Audience: We feel pity for you.
(Enter Servant)
Macbeth: What is it, peon?
Servant: There's a bunch of soldiers hiding behind trees coming towards the castle.
Macbeth: That's not good... Oh, well, let's all go out and die!
Act V, Scene vi
Malcolm: Let's kill Macbeth! Yay!
Siward: You've had three scenes where that's all you've said.
Malcolm: Yay!
Act V, Scene vii
Macbeth: Hello, Young Siward! I'm going to kill you now.
Young Siward: No, you're not.
Macbeth: Yes I am. There, you're dead.
Young Siward: Dammit.
Act V, Scene viii
Macduff: Die, bastard, Die!
Macbeth: Dammit. You suck. I can't die.
Macduff: I wan't born of a woman.
Macbeth: Dammit, I'm screwed. Oh well, gotta die bravely for my fans!
Audience: Awww...
Macduff: Die! Die Die!
Macbeth: You first!
(Macbeth and Macduff Exit Fighting)
Malcolm: Well, we seem to be kicking Macbeth's ass.
Siward: Let's try and get some actual content into this scene.
Malcolm: But... but...
(Enter Macduff)
Macduff: Well, Macbeth's kicked the bucket. I would have killed him onstage, but Shakespearian policy forbids it.
Malcolm: What a waste of perfectly good bloodletting.
Siward; So, Malcolm, you're king of Scotland.
Malcolm: Yay! I'm king of Scotland!
--End Scene V, End Macbeth--
Oh, the tragedy. The utter, unendurable tragedy of it all.
By Oni Hime
Act V, Scene i
Gentlewoman: She's nuts.
Doctor: Bonkers?
Gentlewoman: Stark raving mad.
Doctor: Bummer.
(Enter Lady Macbeth)
Lady Macbeth: Hands dirty, hands dirty.
Doctor: That's a bit freaky...
Lady Macbeth: Apparently i am so wracked by guilt for the murders my husband committed that I've gone insane and am constantly fixating on an imagined spot of blood on my hands. Sucks to be me.
Doctor: That's really freaky.
Gentlewoman: Try being me.
Doctor: What?
Lady Macbeth: Dammit.
(Exit Lady Macbeth)
Gentleoman: So? What do you think?
Doctor: She's nuts.
Gentlewoman: No. Really?
Act V, Scene ii
Malcolm: I know! Why don't we cut down the forest and sneak towards the castle hiding behind branches like 3 year olds? Then we can kill Macbeth!
Act V, Scene iii
Macbeth: time for me to obsess over the Second Apparition's Prophecy...
Servant: There's 10 Thousand-
Macbeth: Geese?
Servent: Uh... soldiers, actually.
Macbeth: Dammit. I had a craving for roast goose.
(Exit Servant)
Macbeth: seyton... Oh Seyton... Here Seyton Seyton Seyton!
(Enter Seyton)
Seyton: Woof.
Macbeth: Let's make us some WAR!
Seyton: Yay!
Act V, Scene iv
Malcolm: How are those branches coming boys?
All: Done!
Malcolm: Then lets go whip some Macbethian ass!
Act V, Scene v
Macbeth: WAR! (evil laugh)
(Cry of a woman is heard)
Macbeth: What was that?
Seyton: The cry of a woman.
Macbeth: Go see what it was.
(Exit Seyton)
Macbeth: I'm scared.
(Enter Seyton)
Seyton: She's dead.
Macbeth: Who?
Seyton: Your wife.
Macbeth: Dammit. I'm depressed.
Audience: Yay!
Macbeth: My life sucks. Life sucks. The world sucks. I hate my life.
Audience: We feel pity for you.
(Enter Servant)
Macbeth: What is it, peon?
Servant: There's a bunch of soldiers hiding behind trees coming towards the castle.
Macbeth: That's not good... Oh, well, let's all go out and die!
Act V, Scene vi
Malcolm: Let's kill Macbeth! Yay!
Siward: You've had three scenes where that's all you've said.
Malcolm: Yay!
Act V, Scene vii
Macbeth: Hello, Young Siward! I'm going to kill you now.
Young Siward: No, you're not.
Macbeth: Yes I am. There, you're dead.
Young Siward: Dammit.
Act V, Scene viii
Macduff: Die, bastard, Die!
Macbeth: Dammit. You suck. I can't die.
Macduff: I wan't born of a woman.
Macbeth: Dammit, I'm screwed. Oh well, gotta die bravely for my fans!
Audience: Awww...
Macduff: Die! Die Die!
Macbeth: You first!
(Macbeth and Macduff Exit Fighting)
Malcolm: Well, we seem to be kicking Macbeth's ass.
Siward: Let's try and get some actual content into this scene.
Malcolm: But... but...
(Enter Macduff)
Macduff: Well, Macbeth's kicked the bucket. I would have killed him onstage, but Shakespearian policy forbids it.
Malcolm: What a waste of perfectly good bloodletting.
Siward; So, Malcolm, you're king of Scotland.
Malcolm: Yay! I'm king of Scotland!
--End Scene V, End Macbeth--
Oh, the tragedy. The utter, unendurable tragedy of it all.