I wish that I was never burdened by memory.
I wish I was able to return to the past that I cannot forget, that I cannot abandon. To be with him again, to relive those sweet, majestic moments. To smile and laugh again, to feel my love, my passion burst as powerfully as it once did. But what hope is there when one does not know the past they want to come back to? Who is he? Who am I?
Mayhap those were the days when there was no duty for me but that to my family, the days I considered joyful while still slumbering in my endless, ephemeral dream.
I remember the simple life I led and how satisfying it was, how carefree. I dedicated myself to the people in my life, and I saw no greater pride. I considered them my friends, my family. But what if they never were my family? What if I never was one of them?
I remember how the sun rose above the Royal palace of Valgarde, the pride of our city. A place I visited only a few times during my life, but that was more than most people were willing to believe. Imagining a lowlife peasant woman like me crossing the halls of the palace was not something many wished to imagine or believe in Valgarde. I rarely spoke of it myself; there was no reason to brag about something earned by my husband's connections.
But I could not deny the greatness the place espoused. Every time I visited the markets, I was mesmerized by seeing the light slowly emerge from behind the spire, shimmering on the stones before reaching our eyes. Perhaps that was why the King saw fit to set up the markets here, so that every visitor, peasant and highborn alike, would be overshadowed by a constant reminder of the grace that afforded us food and trophies.
At least, this is what it was for me. Nothing but a sight that was always there, something pleasing to the eye but never anything more. For others in my family, it was everything, be it duty or dreams; they were always dragged into it. Sometimes it was to my pride, sometimes to a detriment, sometimes to downright fear.
I remember losing sight of him, how my heart sank as a myriad of horrifying thoughts went through my head. He could get lost, encounter a burglar or someone worse, he could trip or lose his way…All because I looked away. The cold winds did nothing to ease the heat with which my body was pulsing as I rushed to search for him. I had to walk across simple and small houses built of old stone, so old that even as adrenaline filled my body, I could still see cracks on their walls.
Where could he go? Why didn't he tell me?
Suddenly, a realization struck my mind. Of course, how could I be so foolish? Were he to run away, there was only one place he would choose. As I trudged through the mud with little care, stain after stain appeared on my grey clothing, making it seem even less presentable than it already was.
When I reached the hill that overlooked the castle, my heart was filled with relief. My boy ran around with a wooden toy sword in his hand, shouting out the rallying cries often heard from royal knights. It was akin to a dance Arthur told me about before, of how a man feels when surrounded by a fiery bloodbath. When he noticed me, the boy's dance stopped, and his eyes radiated both shame, and a slither of happiness.
"There you are…" - I let out a deep sigh of relief before running up the hill towards my son. Usually, I would struggle to walk up a steep hill like this one, but somehow I did not feel tired whatsoever. He was already coming up with an excuse, and while it might have been fitting to give him a lecture, I could not force myself.
"I'm sorry, mommy…" - He walked towards me, putting his toy sword aside. I offered him a warm embrace which he readily accepted.
"Thank the Pantheon, you are alright! I was so worried…What did I tell you about running away like this, Jerome?" - I spoke with relief and kindness, but I prayed that he would understand. His independent spirit was something I took great pride in, but everything had its limits.
"I just…You said I couldn't go here before! And if I told you, you wouldn't allow me, I wouldn't see the knights!" - Jerome desperately tried to abstain himself, but after realizing that I was not angry, he finally relaxed and pointed at the castle's gate, which was visible from here. "I heard they were returning, so I wanted to see them for myself; they're great!" - There was truth in his words, even for myself, someone who always shied away from military affairs. The military men, all clad in their silver armor and carrying the banner with a black raven gracing it. They returned triumphantly to their King after another fight, wherever it was. Their swords were drenched in the blood of their enemies, which they were not ashamed of, once again demonstrating Valgarde's power to all who opposed it.
"You should've asked me." - I shook my head. "The King does not allow us to go to this place except on special occasions. I feared you might get yourself in trouble."
"But why? I didn't do anything bad; I just wanted to watch the knights!"
"I understand, but…"
"How am I gonna become a knight if I can't even see them?"
I sighed and smiled at him once I shared his youthful enthusiasm, but eventually, everyone gets used to that there are customs one should follow.
"I understand, truly…But you know the rules, and whether we like them or not, we should follow them if we do not get in trouble."
"Stupid rules." - Jerome crossed his arms and shook his head with childish anger, but I was quick to share my warmth with him and extend my hand for him to take. After seeing a kind smile on my face, he finally sighed and took my hand.
"I'm telling father." - Jerome said as we walked down from the hill with me guiding him back to the markets. Thankfully, nothing fell out of my basket as I ran to look for him, but I still hadn't bought everything we needed.
"He would tell you the same thing."
"No, he won't! He's been there with the knights; he told me that stories don't do them justice before."
I wondered if my guidance was restricting him. Jerome always looked up to his father and one of the proudest warriors among the peasants, and such loyalty earned him a respectable position in the army. He understood Jerome's eagerness much better than I could and was always more flexible in what he permitted him to do. But he always cared less for safety than I did, both his own and that of others.
"I think they are more than enough for one so young."
"But I've heard so many now! I don't want to just hear about them, I want to see them!"
"Well, let's ask your father what he thinks about it when we are home." - I suggested, knowing full well how little point there was in arguing. Jerome heeded my words and followed back to the markets amidst the narrow streets.
When we returned, I noticed the abundance of newcomers that arrived while I searched for Jerome. Those were not just the likes of us, either; there were visitors from the castle itself. Their dresses and garments covered in azure blue with golden drawings upon them were evident enough; at that moment, I was surprised they even decided to come here with such attire. Jerome was intrigued, but I considered it to be pointless to ask too many questions. After all, those who got favors from the King could come and go as they pleased, with very little to hold them back.
I attempted to keep myself and Jerome away from the crowd, trying to get everything we needed as quickly as possible. We followed the usual routine merchants that were well familiar to me, so much so that once they saw me, they would sometimes wave in anticipation. I bought some apples and clean water, trying to keep my eyes on Jerome at every turn. He found little enjoyment in that, of course, but I convinced myself that this would be better for him and that eventually, he would realize as much.
"Mommy, look!" - Jerome pulled me aside as I was about to take us home, pointing towards the crowd. I followed his arm, wondering if he saw another knight in there, but he was pointing at a figure well familiar to me. "Leila's there!"
I was surprised to see her here, but it was a welcome one. Among those who came from the palace, there was a blonde-haired woman of the race of Eliri, a rare sight among the people of Valgarde. She was noticeable for a height greater than most humans and uniquely-shaped ears. Most of them remained in the eastern woods, with but a few choosing to come out to the kingdom. After Jerome waved to her, Leila noticed our presence.
"Helena!" - She exclaimed, being as bubbly and upbeat as always, and ran towards us. Leila was one of our friends among the royalty, a handmaiden who was there to look after our family during my husband's induction into service. Since then, we grew close, and she was eager to share her own stories. "Oh gods, you look like you've spent the last few days in a swamp!" - She looked over me worryingly, still unable to accept that glamour and style are one of the last things people like us cared for.
"I've been on a bit of a run." - I smiled awkwardly, hearing Jerome giggling quietly behind my back. "It's good to see you." - I said before shaking Leila's hand.
"Likewise! It's been so busy over the last few days that I could barely hope to see you; how are you?"
"As always, really. It's been quite an eventful day at the Splintered Sword as well." - I said, thinking back to my recent days in that inn. "Come to think of it, there's been such a flow of customers that I could barely keep up. Good for the business, of course, but gods know it's exhausting."
"Isn't that wonderful? With the new money, you might be able to buy something for Jerome…Speaking of which, how are you, our little knight?" - The handmaid kneeled towards Jerome with a proud smile on her face, noticing his toy sword. "What's that you got here?"
"It's a sword to kill the enemies of our king and bring glory to Valgarde!"
"I see; it must be a mighty weapon! I pray that our knights will fight with as much vigor as you have in the coming battle."
"The coming battle?" - I said with a tone of cautious surprise, but Leila was far more astounded.
"You mean you haven't heard?" - She wondered, and I could only shake my head. "That's why we all came here, to gather some of our supplies, and I'm helping with it. Our knights would need to remain healthy and fit if they are to battle…"
"They're going to battle?" - Jerome spoke with gleaming eyes.
"Wait a minute…" - I couldn't quite wrap my head around this. "What battle? Has the King decided to send his knights away?"
"Oh, and not just knights. I know some soldiers will get called too." - Leila spoke with apparent excitement in her voice which I could not share. Thoughts of those close to being called to fight plagued my mind, my husband was one of the soldiers; what if he gets called up? When I met him, he believed his fighting days to be over, but one does not simply reject the decree of the King.
"I'd love to do it too one day." - Jerome smiled, a naive boy who did not understand the horror of this situation. Arthur told him many stories about the glory of war and how proud he was of the battles he won. But there was a much darker side, the one he was too young to know. Yet he told me everything. About seeing your friends disfigured, limbs torn apart, about piling up corpses filled with dirt and blood. About hearing others scream as they crouched through the battlefield, about unspeakable horrors, the hordes of Takori did to their prisoners. Glory only came afterward, and it was a gift for the survivors, yet the scars of war would forever remain with them. It was not worth it, I knew, and Arthur knew. "But what happened? Why are they going now?"
"I don't know too much about that…" - Leila shook her head. "But my husband is leading the charge, and he said that it is something to do with Ar'Huhn."
"The southern warlord?" - I asked.
"Yes, I think he made a move and attacked some of the outposts on our border, and King Willem wanted a show of force that will be a clear message for him and his likes to keep out."
"I see…" - I couldn't hide the fear in my voice. The skirmishes always occurred, and I worried every time, but this felt like something different. If those gathered here and the supplies the warriors were taking were but a fraction of what the King has ordered, this was about to be a massive clash.
"Hey…" - I felt Leila's touch on my shoulder; it was clear that she worried for me. I felt slightly ashamed at the moment, I was not the one going to war, and there were people far more deserving of immediate sympathy than I. Yet it was a relief to be reminded that I was not alone. "Do you worry for Arthur? It'll be alright, I promise. My husband said that they will not take everyone; someone has to defend Valgarde, after all."
"I hope…" - I sighed. There was reason in her words, but I still feared what was to come. Perhaps it will wear off with time, but usually, it has a tendency to only become worse.
"Is father going…To war?" - Jerome asked me cautiously, and I could not find any strength to respond, but Leila did.
"We don't know that yet, the King is yet to announce his intentions. You shouldn't be too worried; he would make a great defender." - She reassured him shortly before hearing someone from the royal clique call her. "I have to go! Just…Everything will be alright, Helena, I promise you. The hard times are coming, sure, but have faith in our King! He'll protect us. Do it for Arthur and for me, alright?"
"Yes…I promise." - I smiled. Seeing her in such an optimistic mood gave me hope as well, thought it would do little to force the fear away. At least I could return this hope back to Leila by showing my own as she turned away. And she was right. I had to stay calm and hopeful. For Arthur. For Jerome.
"Let's go home."
…
As we walked towards our home, I was unable to shake off my worry, even when it became incredibly tiring. I knew that was naive and unrealistic of me to expect, but I always hoped that one day, the wars and battles would cease, at least for a few decades. All sides have suffered in recent years, yet they continue to push forward for the slithers of territory. The King might not have shown the piles of corpses, but Arthur always said that losses outweighed the gains after each battle.
Jerome was worried, too, though he was still enamored by his perception of this conflict as something to be proud of. He jogged near me, interested and intrigued to learn what was going on. I wondered what the pictures he painted in his mind were. Were they of many knights that rode through the land, crushing the barbarian hordes and bringing all southern warlords to justice? Was it about the camaraderie that each of the warriors shared as they marched into a glorious conquest that would make them heroes for centuries to come, alive or dead? I could never know, but I was certain it was very far from the actual reality.
"Do you think father will go to war?" - Jerome wondered, asking me one of the dreaded questions in the most innocent and hopeful tone possible.
"I don't think so." - I spoke, barely able to believe my own words." During the last battle, the King decreed him to stay and protect Valgarde in the knight's absence."
"But what if this is a bigger battle?"
"King Willem is a noble man; I'm sure he wouldn't send so many people away from their families. If your father has to go, it means that many more would be summoned before him…"
I might have gone on, but we have reached our home. A small, barely noticeable house built of stone on the edge of even poorer districts. We could afford a life slightly closer to the castle with Leila's financial help, but in practice, this was not very different from the life many others led. It was a calm and simple way of life, the one I always treasured. But that day, I had to learn that everything eventually came to an end. Sometimes naturally, sometimes through the merciless judgment of forces outside of our control.
When we approached the house, Arthur was outside. A man with short brown hair, just a little lighter than my black and blue eyes, guarded the entrance, and he was not alone. There was another, a youngster dressed in red robes one would see among the nobility and two fully armored soldiers behind him. Arthur did not look worried but rather accepting of whatever was to come. They approached shortly before us and could barely begin to talk.
"Are they from the King?" - Jerome whispered; I nodded my head.
"Stay behind me." - I said just in case. They are King's servants, there should not be any reason to fear, yet I sensed my heartbeat primping and shivers playing on my skin.
"You are Arthur Farryn, correct?" - The man in crimson robe asked loudly.
"I am, aye. Have you a message from King Willem?"
"Indeed, you are far from the only one it will be delivered to, and I want you to listen closely." - He took a piece of old parchment, but before he could begin reading it, Jerome rushed forward, ignoring my advice.
"Father!" - The boy ran towards Arthur, causing my husband to let out a smile amidst this grim situation.
"And I was just wondering about my son's adventures…I wish the timing could've been better." - He sighed as he welcomed Jerome before looking at me. I could see in his eyes that Arthur did not know much of the situation, not any more than I did.
" We could've come back later…" - I said, wondering if this would have been for the best, but Arthur shook his head.
"Don't worry about it; fate has that bloody habit of biting at the worst moments." - That much was true. I knew it well.
"We'll hear it together, then." - I spoke with resolve and sided with the men of my family.
"Listen, then." - The messenger spoke as he gazed at the parchment. "By the royal decree of King Willem, all men with experience of serving in our army, be it soldiers or knights, are to come at Valgarde castle at their earliest convenience to be inspected by his generals! They will make the decision on each visitor and whether they are suitable to partake in the defensive against the southern barbarian hordes! Evading this decree and refusing to participate is punishable by imprisonment or death, depending on His Majesty's decision!" - The messenger sealed the parchment away as my heart sank even deeper. This was the most likely option, yet it was also the most horrifying one. In an instant, all hopes that my husband would be safe from this bloodbath were shattered into tiny pieces, which I could not pick up.
"Is that all?" - Arthur said calmly.
"As long as the instructions are clear to you, yes, this is all."
"Very much so. Now I would appreciate it if you leave my family and me alone."
The messenger nodded and left; he must have had many more names on his list to spread the message to, leaving us to ponder on what was to come. Arthur looked at us with eyes of regret and some shame.
"Well, you've heard the man." - He spoke gravely.
"It's okay." - I tried to reassure him and held Arthur's hand, trying to sound caring and supportive and not show much of my own dread. "You're a good soldier, always has been, but maybe… Let's just discuss it at home."
We were in agreement on this, and Jerome didn't say a word. I needed some time t collect my thoughts before speaking about it, and I was not quite sure whether my son should hear it. At least this wasn't a predicament, and the King could still turn Arthur away…No, I could not lie to myself any longer. I knew that if such was the range of potential recruits, a healthy and fairly young man like Arthur would be one of the most desirable in the coming battle.
We gathered at our old wooden table, and I poured some of the water I got from the markets into the three mugs. Arthur put his hands on the table and looked down on it, thinking of endless possibilities, or so I believed. I knew him well to understand that he saw no pleasure or glory in it, but if duty called, then he would answer without hesitation. That's the kind of people both of us were, even if the duties we considered important were different.
Even the water lost its refreshing taste; it felt bitter as I took a sip. Bitter, empty, and just cold…Like the house itself. There were almost no sounds apart from Jerome's playing around the table and drinking his water, along with a faint creak occasionally eluded by the door of our cupboard. Arthur did not drink at all.
"Father." - Jerome spoke meekly. "Are you…Going to war?" - Arthur sighed and raised his gaze at Jerome after hearing those words.
"Yes." - He admitted starkly. "Yes, I am."
"We don't know." - I jumped in, countering Arthur's sheer confidence and certainty. I didn't know if Jerome would be convinced, but I needed that for my own sanity.
"Father says he will." - The boy noted, followed by Arthur.
"Let's not deny something that's clear as day." - He said. "They'll need people like me in there; if they didn't, the King would not have called us forth."
"Does that mean there are a lot of evil barbarians?" - Jerome asked. "If the king needs so much, does that mean that there's a lot?"
"I imagine so." - Arthur shrugged.
"Will…Will you have a horse? And a new sword?" - Jerome asked those questions, unable to process the realization that his father was likely to leave soon. I had some burning questions to ask, too, and I would do it before my worry overtook me completely.
"Jerome." - I looked at my son. "Can you play outside for some time? I really need to discuss something with your father." - I spoke softly, hoping that he would understand.
"But I want to know what's going on! Why don't you tell me everything?"
" We can't tell something that we don't know yet…"
"Let's do it this way." - Arthur continued. "Give us a moment, and then I'll tell you more outside, alright?" - He suggested calmly; Jerome wouldn't go against both of his parents.
"Alright…" - Our son stood up and walked towards the door with his previous energy utterly dissipating, a horrific sight for Arthur and me, but it was better this way. I looked at my husband and his tired eyes; it wasn't a conversation we wished to have. In fact, we prayed that this would not happen in our lifetimes again, yet here we were.
"You don't have to go." - I said quietly. Arthur was right; they would not turn away a man like him from the battle. Going to the castle would be akin to signing a warrant for oneself. But perhaps there was another way.
"I do." - Arthur replied dutifully, even if it pained him. "This is my duty to Valgarde, the one I chose years ago, and I know you understand this." - He tried to convince me, but I could not allow myself to hear about this duty. It was selfish and arrogant; I despised that I was feeling such a way, but even thinking about him going off into another war after we settled down and finally found some stability in our lives was exhausting, if not downright horrific, to picture. I imagined waking up and not feeling him beside me, imagining trying to fall asleep while knowing that his every moment could be his last.
"You served enough already!" - I suddenly exclaimed, forcing my voice to slightly break. "You've gone through so many battles, so many wars, you have scars from all of them…I know how important it is, I know that we need men to defend our kingdom, and I have nothing but the utmost respect for them, but…" - I felt tears swelling up in my eyes, though I desperately tried to keep them in check. "You don't have to be one of them. I need you; Jerome needs you. Why can't this be your duty?"
"Then what do you suggest?" - Arthur replied. "To defy the decree from the King? I will lose my head, and you and Jerome will have a mark of shame which very few could ever undo."
"No, but there must be some way." - I tried to come up with possibilities. There were admittedly few that did not include self-injury, and I would never force that on Arthur. I thought back to my encounter with Leila and her words about the coming battle. "I saw Leila on the markets. She said that her husband is one of the leading generals; if she convinces him to turn you away…"
"And what then? Using bribes to run away from this war instead of facing it like a true soldier would? To stay in safety while knowing that I could be fighting beside my brothers and perhaps even save their lives? "- I sensed a tint of anger in his voice, though it didn't feel like it was directed at me. He saw my proposition as blatant cowardice, something Arthur could never reconcile with.
"But you've saved a lot of lives already…What if there will be no one to save yours?!" - I let out as a few tears fell on the table from my emerald eyes. I couldn't lose him, I couldn't allow myself to lose him, and Arthur saw my pain.
"Helena…" - After he noticed my tears, he stood up and approached me. I felt him holding my hand, putting another one over my shoulders, gently embracing me. I felt safe and warm, sensing his love for me. We had many years of joy etched in our memory, and I did not want to see the end.
"I'm sorry…" - I tried to collect myself and hold back the tears. "For being so weak, I shouldn't have suggested it, I shouldn't have…"
"I understand; anyone would fear in your position…I do." - Arthur said with kindness and sympathy. "Every day of battle can be out last, and I had to recount all the times I feared that it was the end. I'd lose count quickly. There were many who tried to kill me, all stuck-up idiots; being able to spite them was enough of a reason to survive." - He spoke as lightheartedly as possible while I tried to comprehend how he could even do that. Even imagining those horrid scenes sent shivers over my body, but for him, the one who has seen all of this in reality, it was just another fight. "I'll have to go, Helena, and I will. But I promise…I swear by the Pantheon that I will return. I will go through hundreds of those bloody bastards if I have to; I'll fight day and night…But I will return to my beautiful girl." - He gently wiped my tears, looking into my pained eyes. His confidence and resolve gave me a semblance of relief. "And I'll bring gifts, too. Rumors have it the southerners have the most delicious tea…" - He smiled, making me giggle awkwardly before swelling with confidence. I believed that he could do it. I needed to believe it.
"I love you." - I smiled and put my hands around his neck before my lips brushed his softly, and we kissed, sharing our love while we still had the chance.
…
I knew the answer. I was ready for it. And still, it hurt to hear it.
When Arthur came back, saying that he would leave to fight in a few days, all our family could do was remain as strong as we could. It was not easy for any of us, especially Jerome. He had to reconcile his feelings of pride and inspiration that he felt from looking at his father preparing for a battle with the fear he felt for his life. I vowed to support him during this period, whatever happened. Arthur had his duty, while I had mine, which was our family.
The days pass with unrelenting swiftness, and then the hour of departure has finally come. King Willem made his announcement that the knights and soldiers would travel south to fight yet another war for the glory of Valgarde, my husband among them. Like hundreds of others, Jerome and I came to the hills that observed the castle gates to see the proud warriors depart. This was one of those special occasions when people were welcomed there, an occasion too special for my liking.
I never enjoyed the crowds, especially ones as superficial. At least, that is how they seemed to me. When we gathered to observe the gates, Jerome had his heart and soul rising up, a complete opposite of the uncertainty and worry he felt when learning about his father's duty to the King. Was he genuinely happy and proud to see Arthur and other soldiers marching off into the sunrise, or did he simply surrender to the atmosphere of the place?
Surrendered to the people that were cheering for musicians who stood atop the walls of the castle and played their tunes to prepare the soldiers for the coming journey. Surrendered to the sight of proud soldiers marching from the gates, carrying the banners of their black raven. To their husbands and sons leaving to a battle they can possibly never return from. I did not think they were genuine in their pride and cheering. I knew they were not.
I saw familiar faces among them, an old aunt Bertha, our sower who had already lost one son in a war. I saw Jamies, a man who would have been sent into the heat of battle had he not been already crippled, losing his arm and his leg due to the bloodshed. I saw Eliza, a young maid who had to say goodbye to the love of her life, who had been sent to the battle by the King's decree. How many tears have they shed, I wondered…Yet now, all of them cheered. I cheered, too; I went along with the flow, as I often told my son to do. Was this the way forward? I did not know. I did not care. I could only pray for Arthur to be back safely.
"Look, the knights are coming! "- Jerome exclaimed as the men in ebony armor rode from the gates, followed by their supporting soldiers. The loud cheers echoed in my ears, including mine. An array of smiles and encouragement rang like a chorus so the knights could hear us. Perhaps this was the real reason. The inspiration for them is so they would remember that when they win the battle, there will be those waiting at home. "Do you think we'll see father?" - The boy spoke excitedly, almost dragging me to the forefront of the crowd. He wasn't the only child there; many had gathered in front of their parents, loudly cheering the warriors on.
"I don't think so, but maybe you could look near the knights…" - I wouldn't dare to crush his hope; Jerome rushed ahead to the other children and watched the parade closely. After all, any single one of those men could have been his father beneath the armor, the hero he always looked up to. I wondered if he would prove me wrong and actually notice Arthur wouldn't be the first time Jerome's determination paid off.
Meanwhile, I preferred to remain behind. I tried to find a relatively quiet spot apart from the peasants and royalty while still being able to see Jerome. I wished Leila was here, but she must have been in the castle among the royals she served.
After a few minutes, I saw someone new pass beside me, a peculiar man who, unlike most other people, did not cheer or seem happy in the slightest. He watched the parade with a dissatisfied frown, a stark contrast to how most other people reacted. I could not help but look at him, there was something about the man that was captivating, yet I could not discern it yet. His robes were like that of a commoner, but they were surprisingly clean and maintained very good condition; the same could be said about his white hair. In a moment, he turned towards me, examining me with his yellow eyes.
It was only then that I realized that I had never seen him in our part of the city in my entire life, not to mention that he seemed like someone fitting to go to this war. The man looked over me with curiosity, almost immediately forgetting about the parade itself. I looked away, trying not to force myself into an awkward situation, but he did not lose his interest for a while. Shortly before he turned back to see the parade, I could see a sly smile forming on his face.
"And so they march again, to their doom or victory." - He said after a sigh, almost as if he was bored by watching this parade. He spoke of doom so casually that I couldn't help but side-eye him with a judging look.
"Why…Why would you speak so? Don't you have a relative who went there? A father, brother, son?"
"No, I don't, thankfully." - He said in an almost sneering tone. "But surely you noticed that I am not the one cheering for your King sending those men to the slaughter? It's their relatives and friends who do, a puzzling truth, I have to admit…Do you not agree?" - The man looked at me with interest, continuing his analysis, or at least I thought so. I could not know what it was he found in a peasant woman like me, but perhaps some people just wish for a conversation?
"I have never been to war. I wouldn't dare to speak on it."
"But do you have someone in your life who has been to war?"
"I do…My husband. He is there, marching with the others." - I admitted, noticing the man smile once again.
"And what does he say?" - The stranger wondered.
"Why do you care?"
"Do not misunderstand my curiosity; I have nothing but sincerest sympathy for those who go to this war. Still, I think most here are hardly adequate with their outlook, and I wonder if there is any sanity to be found at all." - He was too curious for his own good. I knew that the King would not let someone like him roam free if he heard such blatant disrespect.
"He says that…That it is not worth it." - I took a deep breath and replied honestly. "That he saw his friends die and suffer, all while he could do nothing but tell them sweet lies. That each battle has scarred him, but he has to live with it…And I do everything to help him with it."
"Well, he is right." - The stranger shrugged carelessly. "And yet he still goes on another journey, still risks his life for some stuck-up monarch." - He spoke spitefully.
"If anyone of King Willem's loyalists heard it, they would have your head." - I was not a fanatic of our King, but seeing how careless this man was with his words, I was surprised at how it was even possible for him to live for so long. He didn't feel like he belonged here at all.
"As if I care. Those like him are arrogant with their words but can hardly support them with action. Nothing but fueling the endless cycle of hatred and war, this Willem and the southern warlord are not that different, aren't they?" - He seemed proud of his words, as if intentionally tiptoeing on edge, perhaps even trying to get me in trouble. Someone might overhear me talking with him and get the wrong idea. I moved away slowly, looking forward to going back to Jerome.
"I'd rather not continue this talk." - I said sternly before moving away further.
"Of course, you'd not." - He scoffed. "Well, I got what I wanted, not to mention thoroughly "enjoyed" our conversation for what it was. Best of fortune to you…Until we meet again." - After those words, he turned around and disappeared into the crowd, leaving me alone. For all the questions I had in my head, there were barely any answers. Never have I seen someone speak against the King and his people as callously as he did, not to mention the absolute lack of fear or faith in his voice.
I did not think much of him at the time; he was not the only strange person I'd met in my life. He would not be the last. If only I knew back then how right I was…
I walked towards Jerome, ready to watch the last of the knights leaving. There was no strength in my left for tears, only the last chance to look at this boundless army with the belief that my husband was among them.
…
The days passed, and I attempted to return to the normalcy and routine of my life. It was hard to forget about my fears, to stop thinking about my husband battling against overwhelming odds, constantly being on the brink of death and suffering. He wouldn't want me to worry, of course. Arthur knew how to persevere in the grimmest of situations; all he asked of Jerome and me was that we persevere, too.
So I returned to the inn, working almost twice as much in an attempt to earn for us while Jerome was educated along with other children. I felt my eyes shutting down and my whole body exhausted after those long hours of toiling, and I began to yearn for a sweet rest, away from the noise and crowded tavern. Everyone there wanted to discuss the recent developments and the war, all while I avoided such thoughts like wildfire.
When the moon rose above Valgarde, I finally returned home, tired and barely holding from collapsing into slumber even before reaching my bed. However, as soon as I entered, my body was immediately refilled with a surge of energy as I saw Jerome. He smiled the moment he saw me, rushing into my embrace.
"Mother!" - My son exclaimed and ran towards me; he hugged me tightly, filling me with warmth and love, forcing me further away from the approaching dream.
"Sorry, I'm later than usual today." - I smiled and grabbed his hand as we both went towards the table. "How was your day?"
"It was good, Nanny Caila told us about the southern warlords…" - Under normal circumstances, Jerome would have been excited, but not this time. I could not see anything except doubt and anxiety; seeing Jerome go through this pained me, and I hoped that I could help. "She told us about how Takori kills their enemies and doesn't give them a chance at all. They even killed each other before that; that's how that horrible Ar'Hunn became the leader! Is it true that they…They…Eat people?"
"We've heard many legends, but we can never know…"
"I'm worried for father. I know he's strong and can fight anyone, but…" - Jerome breathed heavily, trying to mask what was bordering on panic. "They are so horrible; what if they get him, attack, from behind, what if…"
"I know your father will survive." - I said with unexpected confidence, even though his concerns and fears were the same as mine.
"But…But how?"
"Because he is a hero." - I said the first thing that emerged in my mind, my purest and sincerest belief. Yes, Arthur was a hero. Perhaps not the one King Willem or other royals would remember or care for, but he was a hero for Jerome and me. A man who goes to such longs for both his family and kingdom could not be called anything else but a hero. "Just like those that found Valgarde."
"The ancient heroes?" - He wondered.
"So you heard the tale?"
"Not really…" - Jerome said shyly. "I heard others say that they were the best, but I am not sure…"
Perhaps now was the right time to tell him more about our tales and legends; for others, they have always been a source of inspiration, and perhaps they could be it for Jerome, too.
"Do you want to hear of them?" - I smiled and sat near my son, putting my hand over his shoulder to make him feel as comfortable as I could. He looked at me and nodded; his fear was still clear on his face, but now it was overshadowed by curiosity.
"Well, it's not a tale we know in full detail, but legends do live on…" - I began, getting Jerome's undivided attention. "It says that the first humans came from the southern lands, the ones now overtaken by Takori. The barbarians came and subjugated our people, forcing them into service and obedience, all while torturing their newfound slaves and enjoying their suffering."
"Couldn't we fight back?"
"People were different back then. Far weaker, far less prepared. But there were few who wanted to rise up and fight, the nine knights that would never be content with living such a way. They tried to fight, tried to rile people up, but most were utterly broken and unwilling to resist. And so they made a difficult decision to leave the South and take those who would follow them in seeking a new home." - I recounted, wondering how much truth there was in that tale.
"They didn't fight? But didn't you tell you they were the heroes?" - Jerome was shocked at the revelation.
"Being a hero does not always mean fighting. Sometimes the odds are stacked against you, like the ones those knights had to face. Should they fight, they would eventually fail to the overwhelming forces of Takori, and mankind as a whole would be punished. They chose a path of preservation, and they were right in doing so…For a time."
"For a time?"
"They traveled the world for years, all in search of a new home. Those were hard and unwelcoming years, some died, and many more suffered…But all of them looked at the nine knights with pride and hope, expectations which those warriors never failed to live up to."
"Did they find a place to live?"
"They did. They found a river that has flown for generations beneath the mountains, an uninhabited place yet a perfect one to settle. Soon, however, they realized that it was not entirely empty…The mountainous region was ravaged by a three-headed beast, a chimera."
"I saw a drawing of it! It's the lion head, the snake head…"
"And a goat head. But the difference was that this time, the knights knew that they could not run any longer, that it was time to show people how determined they truly there."
"Did they kill it?"
"They did. They battled the beast day and night until it fell before their knees. One of the knights did not survive this battle, but his sacrifice was remembered by others, and his contribution was still cherished…It was there when the knights settled down and created a place for humans to live in, a place that would eventually grow into our home of Valgarde, ruled by their descendants. The historic war between Takori and us continues, but now we can fight against them and right this wrong." - With each new word, my voice swelled with pride. There was a lot to admire about our kingdom and its forefathers, its history of it inspired everyone. Jerome listened attentively, absorbing every part of this tale with interest. "And your father is a hero just like them, just as strong and determined, willing to do everything for us and our kingdom. That's why I believe… That's why I know that he will come back to us." - I smiled at Jerome; seeing him brighten up made me want to rethink those tales for myself. There was comfort in believing them; there was deliverance so many people yearned for.
"But…What about the knight who died?" - Jerome asked an uncomfortable question, which I had no answer to. "Was he a hero too?" - Both of us knew that heroes did not always return home safely, but it was a truth too painful to think of, wasn't it?
"Your father is a different hero, much like the other eight…The one that knows when to fight and when to stay away."
"Are you…Are you sure?"
"I am. I know Arthur well, as do you. He will not forsake his judgment." - Was I trying to conceive him or myself? Jerome didn't ask anything else, just hugged me, burying his head in my clothes. We had each other, even amidst this uncertainty. And we both hoped. "Let's get you to bed, shall we?" - I suggested lightheartedly, and Jerome nodded with a smile. It was a time for both of us to rest.
The memories of the lullaby that I sang to him that night are one of the few that persisted…Even after the flood.
…
"HOLD THE LINE!"
Where was I? I opened my eyes, but I was not awake. I felt ephemeral pain piercing my soul, but I was torn from my body. I saw the scorched fields, yet I was not there. I was not standing. They were vibrant and yet had no color. I could not understand, could not think…This was too real to be a dream. But it was too distant, too disconnected from me to be real.
I saw the fires burn in the darkness as the wave of terror emerged. Men and women of the Takori rode forth on the reptile-like creatures they used as mounts. I had never seen a living Takori in the flesh before, but this matched the descriptions from Arthur. They distantly resembled us, but large portions of their skin were covered in scales, and the horns rose above their heads. This was the spirit of their horde, radiating pure, wild, and unchained power, rage that can annihilate cities. They screamed and raged, trumping over the corpses of soldiers with Valgarde armor that they had buried beneath them.
"THEY'RE COMING BACK! FIGHT ON!"
Now I was among them, among the men of the kingdom that were stranded by horde's might, none could see me or hear me, but I was there still. I saw a warrior with his shield and blade rise before me, helping his comrade to get up. I could not look away from him, and soon I understood why, right after looking at his neon blue eyes. It was Arthur, it was my husband. He was in this hellhole as their enemies approached, and this was not a dream. I had no heart, yet I could feel it beating like never before.
It began with fire. The barbarians unleashed powers that I had not seen before, creating flames seemingly out of thin air. It was not just a fire; it was something their women could control. Unlike men, who carried blades, spears, and maces, they carried staffs that burst with flames at their will. Even the legends did not tell us of such power, and I was terrified. I felt its burn. I do not know how, but looking at it made my essence ache, seeing soldiers clash with those barbarians.
"Die, bastards!" - One of our warriors chanted as he charged into the battle, slaughtering one Takori after another. His sword was drenched in the blood and sweat coming out of cut limbs and necks that were cut with vigor. He has gone too far compared to others soldiers, and this cost him his life as the barbarians cut him down. They forced him to the ground so quickly that soon there wasn't even a body left, just armor soaked with blood and drenched with his guts spilled across it and the battlefield itself.
Another trio of our warriors attempted to push back as they launched the last of their arrows into the creatures Takori rode. Their shots were precise, piercing the eyes and drains of those monsters and, at times, their masters. But this tirade would not last for long; as the flame weavers noticed their attacks, the two of them unleashed a wave of fire together into the archers. I only heard echoes of their screams, but I could see their skin burned and charred. With their blackened hands, they grasped their heads and screeched in utter despair before falling down into the pile.
Some of our own riders attempted to attack their horses, going through the remnants of this flame as their animals screamed; they were able to pierce the flame weavers with their spears, crushing their abdomens before going up and splitting their necks. They did not retreat; the remaining barbarian riders were next on the line, trying to find their prey amidst the chaos and corpses.
Then I heard the piercing sound of a horn, and a shadowy figure emerged behind the enemy lines, watching from the hill. It rode a reptile creature and was a Takori, but his "pet" exceeded the others in size. He was clad in leather armor created from beasts all across the world. When he gave his command, the horde embraced the depths of their fury, beginning to fight more mercilessly.
I only cared for Arthur.
I watched him find his way in this bloodbath; he battled tirelessly and showed no signs of fear in his eyes. When one Takori attempted to strike him from behind, Arthur fell down to evade the strike, then plunged his blade into the attacker's leg, slicing it off in a single move. The barbarian screamed, but before Arthur could finish him off, he managed to grab the soldier's sword, desperately pushing it away. It cut his hands, and rivers of blood flew down his skin, yet the Takori continued to struggle for his own survival. I prayed for him to die, no life is a price too high to pay for Arthur's survival.
Eventually, my husband broke through and cut the barbarian open. I screamed for him to run in my ethereal presence, knowing that he would never forsake his duty; knowing that he could not even hear me, I still screamed. I screamed louder when the others approached, when there were five barbarians now against one human, and when he stood up to them without running.
Arthur was still as a rock when they attacked; he pierced one of them with a sword, cutting open his shoulder. The flame weaver behind her protectors would not let Arthur finish the barbarian off. A wave burned him and forced him to recoil as Arthur had to clutch to his shoulder while still fighting. He grew weak, and the Takori knew it. He blocked the incoming strike and resisted as the warrior with a mace attempted to crush him, but his power waned. Eventually, the mace reached his neck, piercing it with spikes and forcing Arthur to recoil. I watched in silence as my husband bled and breathed heavily while his neck was colored crimson. When those mongrels surrounded him, there was nothing Arthur could do but spit in their faces. He was at the mercy of those who had none in their hearts. A mace that broke his skull was the last thing either of us saw.
…
I opened my eyes amidst the night; my head was in agony as I could barely discern illusion from reality. I was in my home, cold sweat falling off my cheeks. My whole body shivered as if I was horribly sick, and my mind was in utter shambles. I looked around and tried to touch my own bed in trying to discern whether what I saw before myself was real or not. Whether I wanted to be real at all. Feeling my blanket after I felt my own flesh, my hands responded to the signals in my mind as the pain in my head gradually lessened. I was left alone to ponder.
"Arthur…"
I whispered, thinking of him. Not of the "him" I saw now, but of the fleeting memories with which I have been cursed. I thought of how we met in the inn, how he recounted the tales of his training and war, and how he grew to be a hero in my eyes. I loved him then, and a sentimental part of me would carry this love through the ages.
"A…Arthur."
I repeated his name again and again, methodically, trying to rationalize my thoughts and remain quiet so Jerome wouldn't hear. Now the sweet memories began to be interrupted by flashing moments of horror and agony in my mind. At first, it was but a blade, but a wave of fire that eventually intruded upon my thoughts, but as I began to piece it together, they became more frequent. The screams, the flow of blood, roaring beasts, all the horror…
"Arthur!"
I shouted his name far louder than I intended moments before, remembering that Jerome was sleeping here as well. I didn't know what to do; every bone in my body pushed me toward screaming, my hands shook, and my chest burned with a power of an anvil thrown on someone from above. A few more seconds and I would collapse to the floor; a few more seconds and I would…
He was dead.
The realization raged in my mind, and nothing but those words could be seen before my eyes, nothing but his mutilated corpse.
Dead.
I jumped up and ran to the door, unable to think. I tripped on my way in the darkness, falling to the floor and hurting my knee.
Dead dead dead
It took me a few attempts before I could get up; each time I tried to get up, I was dragged down by my own powerlessness and meekness. I don't remember if I could stand at all or if I crawled like a wounded beast.
He's gone ripped apart like an animal, killed blood monsters I
Ran out when I reached the door. I do not know how it was even possible for me to stand up, but I remember running.
WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME WHY WHY WHY
"Arthur, Arthur…Arthur, Arthur…" - Like a sick songbird, I continued to spout my horrid tune as I ran amidst the darkness, moving from shade to shade. I didn't know what I was running from; I couldn't run from the truth after all.
PLEASE…
Tripping, again and again, my power was slowly extinguished. All I remember now was me falling in the mud, screeching out the sounds that were only distantly reminiscent of his name.
And on the nearby roof, there were two men in black robes. Observing, pondering, plotting. They knew who I was; they knew what they wanted, what he wanted. They were deciding my fate before retreating into the shadows where they came from. They were my saviors. He was my hope.
But I did not know that yet.