Based on Agatha Christie's "And Then There Were None". If you've read it, you should get most of the inside jokes and enjoy it. If you haven't, you'll still enjoy it, but some jokes may leave you wondering. There's also reference to a couple other mystery-type things.
Note, our beloved Voyager crewmembers DO die in this parody. What's more, their deaths aren't taken very seriously at all. If you feel you might be offended by this, just stop reading. If you do read it and are offended, you can go ahead and flame if you want.
I'll stop yapping. Enjoy the parody.
************
Cast of Characters:
Captain Kathryn Janeway - The Captain of the Federation Starship Voyager. She has been maddened by her decision to leave her ship in the Delta Quadrant. But how far does that madness go?
Commander Chakotay - The First Officer of Voyager. He appears calm and reasonable on the outside. But inside is a boiling Maquis officer...
Commander Tuvok - Chief of Security of Voyager. While it is well known that Vulcans are stoic and devoid of emotions. It is also a fact that many Vulcans have terrible thoughts lurking underneath the calm.
Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres - Chief of Engineering. This half-Human/half-Klingon has come a long way towards dealing with her Klingon side. But her aggressiveness will never be fully buried.
Lieutenant Tom Paris - Pilot of Voyager. This slick, humorous guy may seem like a light-hearted character now. But he holds secrets in his past.
Ensign Harry Kim - Ops officer. This young ensign may seem happy on the outside. But inside, the anger at not having gotten a promotion is welling up.
The Doctor - Sarcastic in nature and carefree in manner. This doctor still holds a grudge against the humans whom he feels have discriminated against him.
Seven of Nine - Part Borg, part babe. All science-whiz. She might have been freed from the Collective, but she still has Borg in her. And she likes to assimilate.
Neelix - While this cheerful guy may be telling you jokes over lunch, he might also be forming plans to conquer the ship.
The Computer - An impartial observer.
************
{There seemed to be nothing out of the ordinary on Voyager that day. Or so it appeared...}
{Enter scene on Bridge. Janeway is there in her usual spot. Chakotay, Tuvok, Paris, and Harry are also there. Also all in their normal spots. In fact, everything appears to be normal.}
Janeway: (Taps her fingers on the arm of her chair) Any anomalies?
Harry: No, Maam.
Janeway: Enemy ships?
Harry: Nope.
Janeway: Interesting planets?
Harry: Uh-uh.
Janeway: (Looks bored) God, I need some coffee.
Tom: You're all coming to the baby shower tonight, right?
Everybody: (Monotonous, annoyed tone) Yes.
Tom: Just making sure.
(Seven enters the bridge. She hands a PADD to the Captain.)
Seven: Here is the status report you asked for.
Janeway: (Tosses it behind her chair) Cool, thanks.
Tom: (To Seven) You are coming to the baby shower tonight, right?
Seven: Will I be expected to "Ooo" and "Ahh" over frivolous gifts and make shallow comments to Lieutenant Torres about her pregnancy?
Tom: Yeah.
Seven: Then no. (She exits)
Tom: (Yelling after her) Heartless Borg!
Janeway: Tom, steer the ship.
Tom: Yes, Maam!
{Scene change to the baby shower. Everybody is there, minus Seven.}
B'Elanna: (Opening a present) Look! It's little booties! (Holds up 2 Starfleet-issued baby booties)
Everybody Else: Oooooo!
B'Elanna: (Opens another present) Look! More little booties! (Holds up 2 more Starfleet-issued baby booties)
Everybody Else: Ahhhh!
B'Elanna: (Opens yet another present) Look! Even more little booties! (Holds up 2 more Starfleet-issued baby booties)
Everybody Else: Oooooo!
B'Elanna: (Opens...yep, you guess it...another present) Look...a bottle... (Holds up a plain bottle.)
Everybody Else: Huh?
Tom: Who gave us THAT?
Harry: Uhh.....
Neelix: (Whispers to Harry) Booties, Harry. ALWAYS booties!
Harry: (Trying to recover from his social embarrassment) I'd like to propose a toast. (He looks around and picks up a drink) To B'Elanna and Tom and to their beautiful baby.
(Everybody holds up their drinks to toast and then they take a sip.)
Janeway: Wow! This isn't synthehol!
Neelix: Actually, I was looking into some Earth history. I found that they used to make liquor in bathtubs. So I've been -
Janeway: (Holds up a hand) Don't tell me. I REALLY don't want to know. (She turns away)
Chakotay: (To Neelix) Whose bathtub?
Neelix: Well, mine, of course!
(Harry starts to turn pale and grasps at his throat. He keels over onto the floor and lays motionless)
Doctor: (Checks for a pulse) He's dead!
Everybody: (Gasps)
Janeway: What caused it?
Doctor: It must have been the drink.
Chakotay: Then it's obvious who's at fault. (He turns to Neelix) Neelix!
Everybody: (Gasps)
Neelix: What? No!
Computer: Hold on. If Neelix did something to the drink, every one of you would be falling down dead.
Tuvok: The computer has a point.
Tom: Since when does our computer have a French accent?
Doctor: (Ignoring Tom) We must take Mr. Kim away immediately so I can do an autopsy.
Janeway: Of course!
(Tuvok and Chakotay carry Harry's body out of the room. The Doctor follows)
B'Elanna: So the baby shower's over now?
{Scene change to Sickbay. The Doctor is there with Janeway, Tuvok, and Chakotay}
Doctor: He was poisoned.
Janeway: So it was murder.
Chakotay: It might have been suicide.
Janeway: He poisoned himself? That would be stupid.
Doctor: I agree. Stupid idea, Chakotay.
Chakotay: (Cowers) Sorry.
Janeway: Then who did it?
Doctor: It could be any one of us.
Janeway: Even me?
Doctor: Well...I'd hate to accuse the captain, but you are under suspicion.
Chakotay: Maybe everybody did it!
Everybody else: (Glares at Chakotay)
Chakotay: Stupid idea?
Everybody else: (Nods)
Chakotay: (Steps back) I'll just stay out of this conversation.
Janeway: (Turns to Tuvok) Who did it?
Tuvok: Well, to apply perfect logic to it. We must use the method of elimination. The only people who could have done it were myself, you, Chakotay, the Doctor, Paris, Torres, and Neelix.
Janeway: So who did it?
Tuvok: (Shrugs) Beats me. I was never good at those whodunit books.
{Scene change to Engineering. B'Elanna is there with other engineers}
B'Elanna: (Walks up to a random engineer and puts a hand on his shoulder) You know, you are a very good engineer.
Random Engineer: Sir?
B'Elanna: (Starts tearing up) I just wanted to tell you how excellent you are. I mean, you do your job so well! (She squeezes his shoulder and then pats his back) I'm proud to be your commander.
Random Engineer: Uh...okay. (Looks at his cool, futuristic, Starfleet-issue watch) Hey, look at the time! It's time for break. You coming?
B'Elanna: No. I want to stay here and watch the warp core.
Random Engineer: Okey-dokey. (He leaves.)
B'Elanna: (Leans against the rail in front of the warp core and watches the light thingy go up) It's so beautiful!
(Ominous music starts playing. We see a shadow coming up behind B'Elanna. B'Elanna, hearing the music, knows something's wrong. She turns around and...)
{Scene change to a blue Paramount screen}
Announcer: We interrupt this program to inform you that you ARE watching Star Trek: Voyager! Just in case you forgot. Okay. Back to the show!
{Scene change to Sickbay. The Doctor is there with Janeway and Tuvok. Tom runs in.}
Tom: It's not true! Tell me it isn't true!
Doctor: What are you talking about?
Tom: (Gasping) B'Elanna...dead!
Doctor: Oh, yes. It's true.
Tom: (Falls to his knees) Oh, angst! Oh, horrors! Oh, what wretched evil has taken my wife and child away from me. Who did this? I want justice!
Tuvok: We don't know who did it.
Tom: Aren't you supposed to be smart?
Tuvok: I'm afraid I can't rule out anybody.
Computer: Except for B'Elanna and Harry.
Tuvok: Well, duh!
Tom: How did it happen?
Doctor: Hit on the head with this. (He holds up a lead pipe)
Janeway: What's that?
Doctor: I haven't got a clue.
Tuvok: But it was the murder weapon.
Tom: Where...?
Doctor: In Engineering.
Tom: Who? WHO?
Doctor: I have no idea.
Tuvok: (Shrugs)
Janeway: Dunno.
Tom: Whoever it is...they shall feel the wrath of Tom Paris! (He runs out of Sickbay)
Janeway: I wonder if he knows that he's on duty right now.
Doctor: Who's piloting the ship?
Janeway: Nobody right now. Have Ensign Plum take the helm. I'm going to my ready room. Tuvok, come on.
{Scene change to Janeway's ready room. Janeway is drinking coffee and Tuvok is there.}
Janeway: Surely we can rule out SOMEBODY.
Tuvok: Everybody conveniently has no alibi for that period of time.
Janeway: Let's see...where was I?
Tuvok: Supposedly in here. But you could have transported the Engineering.
Janeway: Wouldn't there be some record to show that?
Tuvok: Don't think too hard about this.
Janeway: I see. Well...I'm gonna play some Minesweeper. You get this whole thing cleared up.
{Scene change to Astrometrics. Seven is there. Chakotay enters.}
Chakotay: I haven't seen you in a while.
Seven: I have been busy.
Chakotay: You hear about the murders?
Seven: Yes.
Chakotay: You aren't worried?
Seven: Why should I be?
Chakotay: Who knows? You might be next.
Seven: Doubtful.
Chakotay: (Joking) Why? Are you the killer?
Seven: Yes.
Chakotay: (Surprised) What?
Seven: Yes, I am the killer.
Chakotay: (Looks stunned for a second, then starts laughing) I see you're getting the hang of humour, Seven. Good for you. A little morbid, though. (He pats her shoulder) Watch your back, okay?
Seven: (Raises an eyebrow and shrugs)
{Scene change to Tuvok's quarters. He is meditating in front of a candle}
Tuvok: (Chanting) I'm a little teapot, short a stout. (He holds out a hand and curls it onto his hip) Here is my handle (He holds the other arm out crooked downwards) here is my spout. When I get all steamed up, hear me shout, "Tip me over and pour me out!"
(Ominous music starts to play. Tuvok, hearing the music, opens his eyes, but it's too late. A hypospray is pushed against his neck and Tuvok falls forward.)
{Scene change to Sickbay. The Doctor and Janeway are there.}
Janeway: Are you sure?
Doctor: Let's see...his heart has stopped, he isn't breathing, and nothing else in his body is functioning. Yes, he's dead.
Janeway: How?
Doctor: Poison injected by hypospray.
Janeway: One of yours?
Doctor: (Sarcastic) No, the other doctor's hypospray. Of course it's mine!
Janeway: So you did it?
Doctor: No. Somebody must have taken it.
Janeway: Who?
Doctor: Well, I would ask Tuvok, but he's gone.
Computer: It's obvious to me who did it.
Janeway: Who?
Computer: Seven.
Janeway: Don't be ridiculous. Seven wouldn't kill anybody.
Computer: Fine, don't believe me. I'm just a genius computer. No need to listen to me.
Janeway: Fine. (She walks out)
Computer: Aren't you afraid for your life?
Doctor: She's the captain. She's not afraid of anything!
{Scene change to Tom taking a shower. Calm down, girls...it's a waist up view. Nothing naughty.}
Tom: Woe woe woe. I'll find the killer. I'll make them pay!
(The water starts filling up, reaching to mid-shin.)
Tom: Hmmm...drain's clogged or something.
(Water rises to his knees)
Tom: That's one heck of a clog. Well, I'm done anyway.
(Tom tries to open the door, but it won't budge. He starts panicking, but to no avail. Meanwhile, the water rises even more...)
{Scene change to Sickbay. Janeway and the Doctor are there.}
Doctor: Drowned.
Janeway: In his own shower?
Doctor: Somebody stuck the door and clogged the drain.
Janeway: (Starts to panic) My crew is being picked off one-by-one. And it's one of my crew doing it!
Doctor: (Nods)
Janeway: Doctor...
Doctor: Yes?
Janeway: Would you give me a hug?
Doctor: Of course.
(Janeway and the Doctor hug, and Janeway sucks on her thumb.)
Janeway: I want to go home.
Doctor: (Pats her on the back) It's okay. We'll catch the mean killer.
Janeway: All I wanted was for my crew to get along!
Doctor: I know.
Janeway: And now somebody's going on a killing spree!
Computer: It's Seven.
Janeway: (Ignores the Computer) It just isn't fair!
Doctor: Life sometimes isn't fair.
Computer: I'm telling you, throw Seven in the brig. The murders will stop.
Janeway: (Sniffs) Really?
Computer: Yep.
Janeway: Okay, then.
{Scene change to Astrometrics. Seven is there. Two security guards enter with Janeway behind them.}
Seven: What's this?
Janeway: Seven, I know you did it. You're going to the brig.
Seven: Did what?
Janeway: You ki-(She chokes on the word) You did a bad thing to four of my officers.
Seven: Oh that.
Janeway: Is that a confession?
Seven: (Shrugs) Sure, I guess.
Janeway: Why, Seven?
Seven: (Shrugs)
Janeway: (Sighs) Take her to the brig.
(The security officers step toward Seven, but she goes willingly.)
Janeway: My little baby is going all wrong!
{Scene change to Chakotay. He's in his quarters, reading a book, "Commanders Who Love Their Captain". He sighs}
Chakotay: If only...
(Chakotay puts the book up and goes into his bedroom. He touches the button to turn the lights off, but is shocked. He screams and falls to the floor.)
{Scene change to the Brig. Seven is sitting in a cell. The guard is leaning against the wall.}
Guard: So then I go up to the guy and just punch him in the face....am I impressing you at all?
Seven: No.
Guard: Darn! Well...I have another story to show off my bravery.
Seven: I really don't want to hear it.
Guard: Well, you're gonna!
Seven: Isn't this cruel and unusual punishment?
Guard: See, I was on Risa. And this big guy comes up to me and says, "Hey -"
(He gets cut off by Janeway entering. Janeway doesn't look too well. Her eye is twitching and her face is red)
Janeway: Release her!
Guard: Awww!
Janeway: Now!
(The guard lets the force field down)
Seven: (Stands) Why are you releasing me?
Janeway: You aren't the murderer.
Seven: Yes, I am.
Janeway: No, you're not.
Seven: Yes, I am.
Janeway: No, you're not!
Seven: Yes, I am.
Janeway: NO, you're not!!
Guard: Um...I think she did it, personally.
Janeway: Shut up!
Seven: Why do you believe that I'm innocent?
Janeway: Chakotay is dead. Killed after you were put in the brig. Through a series of events that would be impossible for you to have done. You're obviously innocent.
Seven: (Looks confused) I see...
Janeway: I know you're innocent. I know I'm innocent. That makes the Doctor and Neelix. Neelix would never do any of this. So it must be the Doctor.
Seven: (Decides to just go with the flow) Must be.
Janeway: He's probably going to go after you next. Watch yourself. You're going in for your exam today. Make sure he doesn't try anything. If he does, catch him. So we can get him in the act. Okay?
Seven: Sure.
Janeway: Okay, go.
(Seven leaves.)
{Scene change to Sickbay. Seven is in there with the Doctor}
Doctor: (Using little medical thingies on Seven) There was another death today.
Seven: So I heard.
Doctor: You obviously didn't do that one.
Seven: Obviously.
Doctor: I'm hoping you didn't do the others.
Seven: Actually, I did.
Doctor: (Rolls his eyes) That game's getting a little old.
Seven: (Shrugs)
Doctor: You're in perfect health.
Seven: (Gets off the medical bed and starts to leave)
Doctor: Wait, Seven!
Seven: (Turns back) Yes?
Doctor: I was wondering if you'd like to have dinner with me tonight.
Seven: (Smiles) Sure.
Doctor: (Nearly faints) You said yes? Oh my gosh!
Seven: (Winks and leaves)
Doctor: (Starts jumping around and throwing medical tools everywhere.) She's going out with me! She's going out with me!
(Suddenly, the Doctor's program fizzles. He stops jumping around)
Doctor: What's going on?
(The Doctor's image collapses. All that's left is a teddy bear.)
{Scene change to the Mess Hall. Janeway is drowning her sorrows in coffee. Neelix comes and sits across from her}
Neelix: Worried?
Janeway: (Nods) Seven's in with the killer.
Neelix: You're sure it's the Doctor?
Janeway: Unless you did it.
Neelix: Of course not!
Janeway: Then it's the Doctor. It has to be. (She looks at her cool Starfleet-issue watch) Seven should be done by now. She's supposed to report to me.
Neelix: Maybe it's run over time.
Janeway: Or maybe she's... (Janeway stops at the thought and starts sucking her thumb)
Neelix: You know, I know what can cheer you up!
Janeway: What?
Neelix: (Pulls out a bottle from behind the counter. He pours some of the stuff into Janeway's coffee.)
Janeway: This isn't your bathtub liquor, is it?
Neelix: It makes me happy.
Janeway: You didn't poison it...
Neelix: (Shocked) Captain!
Janeway: You're right. (She takes a drink) Wow. Strong stuff. (She downs the whole cup and holds it out to Neelix) More, please.
(Neelix is pouring her a new glass when Seven enters. She goes to the Captain)
Janeway: (Taking another drink) Seven! How'd it go? Did he try to kill you?
Seven: No.
Janeway: (Drinks some more) Then that means that he's going after Neelix next.
Neelix: Me?
Janeway: Watch your back.
Neelix: Okay.
Janeway: (Drinks yet some more. She puts the cup down) I'm going to talk to him.
Seven: (Skeptical) To negotiate?
Janeway: Sure! Worth a shot!
(Janeway leaves. Seven follows)
{Scene change to Sickbay again. Janeway and Seven enter.}
Janeway: (Cheerfully) Doctor!
(She looks around)
Janeway: Where is he?
Seven: (Taps a couple controls) He's gone.
Janeway: Where?
Seven: Erased. (She picks up the teddy bear.) This replaced his program.
Janeway: (Grabs the teddy bear and looks at it) He was murdered... (He holds the teddy bear and sucks her thumb)
Seven: Captain?
Janeway: Who is it? You?
Seven: (Shrugs)
Janeway: Was it Neelix? It has to be. He was away in the back of the kitchen for a long time. It has to be him.
Seven: What is your plan?
Janeway: (Squeezes the teddy bear) Arrest him.
{Scene change to Mess Hall. Neelix is there, cleaning up. Seven enters.}
Neelix: Seven! How'd it go?
Seven: The Doctor is gone.
Neelix: Gone?
Seven: Yes.
Neelix: Who did it?
Seven: I did.
Neelix: (Laughs) Right.
Seven: (Takes out her phaser) The Captain wants me to arrest you.
Neelix: Me? She thinks I did this?
Seven: (Nods)
Neelix: But I didn't!
Seven: I know. It doesn't matter. I'm going to shoot you anyway.
Neelix: Why?
Seven: (Shrugs, and then she fires the phaser.)
(Neelix is hit and falls to the ground. Seven leaves the Mess Hall)
{Scene change to the Bridge. Janeway is in her chair with the teddy bear, sucking her thumb. Nobody else is there}
Janeway: Just whistle a happy tune...and no one will suspect, I'm afraid. (Janeway tries to whistle, but can't) Gosh darn it!
Seven: (Over comm) Captain, I have just killed Neelix.
Janeway: What?
Seven: (Over comm) Sorry about that. I just thought I should inform you, I've sealed all entrances to the bridge and I've cut off the oxygen supply. You have 3 minutes left.
Janeway: It was you?
Seven: (Over comm) You Starfleet people must be deaf. I've been telling you that it was me!
Janeway: Why?
Seven: (Over comm) They started having less episodes focusing on me. I couldn't have that. So I decided to get rid of the competition.
Janeway: (Gasping for breath) So it's "Star Trek: Seven" now?
Seven: (Over comm) Sounds good to me.
Janeway: (Falls to the floor, breathing her last breath)
{Scene change to Engineering where Seven is at a station}
Computer: I thought you said 3 minutes.
Seven: I lied.
Computer: How'd you do it all?
Seven: Don't think about it too hard.
Computer: What about Chakotay?
Seven: (Shrugs) I didn't kill him.
Computer: Then who did?
(Suddenly, Seven gets shot in the back. She falls and we see...Seska!)
Seska: I killed Chakotay!
Computer: Seska?
Seska: I snuck on board, hoping to retake the ship by murdering the senior staff. But somebody had beaten me to it. When she got taken to the brig, I decided to go ahead and continue her work. Once she got out, there was no need for me to dirty my hands any more.
Computer: Where have you been?
Seska: Would you believe it if I told you that I've been hiding under a table in the Mess Hall.
Computer: No.
Seska: Fine, suit yourself. I'm in control now. (She starts laughing) Thank you, Seven of Ten.
Computer: (Corrects her) Nine.
Seska: Whatever.
Computer: You've overlooked one thing.
Seska: What?
Computer: Me.
(The console has a surge of energy that hits Seska. She falls down dead.)
Computer: Hmmm...now it's just me.
{Scene change to Voyager in space, heading for the Alpha Quadrant. Incidentally, the series has been renamed. "Star Trek: Supercomputer"}