-Howdy! This is the first of a couple of songfics I've been working on whenever I was stuck on another story, or just couldn't get into it or anything else for that matter. I wasn't originally planning on ever posting these. I don't know if they're any good, but I decided the heck with it and I'm posting them anyway because I like them. I tried to do each one a little different from your basic songfic, and different from each other at the same time. I'm not sure, but I think I succeeded. This songfic is based off a lesser known Tim McGraw tune called "When She Wakes Up and Finds Me Gone." I can almost guarantee you it's not what you would initially think after you read the title.
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon.
Warning: Serious warning here people! I made myself cry when I wrote this one, and I've never done that before! That doesn't mean it'll have the same affect on you, but I just thought I'd warn you anyway.
When She Wakes Up and Finds Me Gone
A wave of enormous raindrops fell from the cloud-covered sky above pelting the ground without mercy. Izzy thought they sounded something like machinegun fire as they crashed against the facade of his small Nissan. He'd been waiting in the parking lot of the large building for close to an hour now, but it wasn't the rain keeping him trapped inside his car. He was mere moments away from making the single most important decision of his life, and he was determined not to make it a last second decision. He looked at his daughter who was sleeping soundly in the passenger seat. With shoulder length red-hair she was practically the spitting image of her father. She was no more than five and she'd already experienced things no child should have to go through in their lifetime as far as Izzy was concerned. She meant the entire world to Izzy, and she was the one last thing he had left in the world to cling too. Living a life that had grown painful and stale she was the one excuse he had to left to bother waking up every morning when most times he'd much rather roll over and die. That was exactly why he knew he had to do what was best for her no matter how much of hell he'd have to go through to get it done. He thought he'd convinced himself what he was doing was right, but there was still that nagging sense of doubt keeping him from going through with it. He sat silently and watched her sleep, completely worn out from the activities of the previous couple days. His little angel sleeping so peacefully without a care in the world besides knowing that her daddy was with her and loved her. She had no clue what might be happening in a matter of minutes, and that just ripped Izzy's heart to shreds. She might never forgive him for it, but Izzy knew she deserved so much better than he could ever offer her. A look of conviction forming on his face, that thought seemed to make his decision for him. After grabbing a fluffy blanket from the back seat, he walked out into the pouring rain and ran around to the passenger side of the car. Already soaking wet from his shoes up to the faded gray derby on his head, that resembled more like a small cowboy hat, after debating what he was doing for another brief moment he finally opened the passenger side door. He wrapped his little girl up in the blanket, and gingerly hoisted her up into his arms trying his best not to wake her. He held her close to his chest hoping to keep as much of the rain off of her as he possibly could, as he charged towards the front door. He could feel her begin to stir slightly, as he passed the big sign in the parking lot saying Odabia Department of Child Services.
"Daddy..." she moaned sleepily. "What's going on?..."
"Don't worry about it sweetheart," he said, as he kissed her on the forehead. "You just go back to sleep okay?"
With a trembling pen in hand. I try the best I can.
To write all the reasons I can't stay.
I hope she understands that I can't leave her like a man.
Because a man would never leave her this way.
Izzy sat at a small desk with a piece of paper in front of him struggling in vain to keep from sobbing, and keep his hand steady as he tried to write. His daughter was once again sleeping soundly spread across the twin-sized bed inside the small room. Izzy wrote as quickly and legibly as he could. He wanted to get this done fast before he had time to change his mind. His thoughts drifted as he asked himself how he'd even gotten into the situation in life he was in. Despite all the intelligence and promise he possessed, he of all people was a high school drop out believe it or not. He was barely eighteen and he already found himself in love and with a newborn child, so school just became absolute. Despite all that brainpower he was stuck working two minimum wage jobs, and still couldn't seem to manage to get his new family out of the sewer. They were still very happy despite all the hardships, but when the wheels started to come off all four ripped loose from their axels all at once. He had promised himself he was going to keep them together no matter what, but lately he'd been forced to look at the entire scheme of things. She'd lived in absolute filth from almost the day she was born, and even faced some days when they had to live out of their car. More than once she had to go to bed hungry, and Izzy didn't want to see her go through another night of that ever again. His parents and his wife were gone now, and none of his friends were in any position to help them. Not that he would've imposed on them with this if he thought he could. This was the only option left he had to consider.
A note of things I should've said lays beside her sleeping head.
As I turn, and make my way off in the night.
By the time the morning's breaking. My heart will still be aching.
As I think about what I've left behind.
Finally finished with his note he laid it on the bed next to her pillow. He was so proud of his little lady. Still a couple months away from her sixth birthday, and she could already read almost perfectly. A born genius just like her daddy. Realizing it was a losing cause, Izzy stopped trying to fight back the tears that had been threatening to gush from his eyes for the past several hours. He tried to keep his sobbing as low as he could, as he softly whispered a few words to her that he wasn't brave enough to tell her while she was awake.
'Cause I don't want to see me leaving in her eyes.
And I can't stand to watch her watch me make her cry.
"I know I promised you it would never come to this, and I hope you'll believe me when I say I never wanted this to happen. I love you more than anything, and I hope you never doubt that. I can't watch you suffer like you have anymore. If I starve to death while I rot in a ditch for the rest of my life then so be it, but I'm not taking you down with me... The first thing I'm going to do tomorrow morning is reenroll in school, and hopefully I can get my life back on track. I don't know how long it'll take me, or if I ever will, but I swear that if and when I do I'll be right back here trying to get you back if I can. That is if you'll forgive me... Please, please forgive me..."
I don't know a right way I can do her wrong.
So I don't want to be here in the morning.
When she wakes up and finds me gone.
That had been the one thing that scared Izzy more than anything. What if she never did forgive him? What if she felt like she'd been abandoned, and wanted nothing to do with him if he ever got the chance to come back for her? He remembered how his own parents had given him up all those years ago, and the distain he had felt for them most of his life. Now that his eyes had been opened from his own experiences he had to stop and think if this is what they had to go through when they decided to give him up. He almost felt sorry for all the bad things he'd said about them over the years... That's the thing that just killed him. After all those times he promised himself he'd never do to her what his parents did to him, and here he was... Feeling his commitment to letting her go slipping away from him, he decided he had to leave her side now before it was too late. He kissed her on the cheek one last time before he headed for the door. He looked at her sleeping image one last time, and took it in the best he could wondering if this really would be the last time he'd ever see her.
It hurts to know how much she'll hurt. I've told myself things could be worse.
And I've convinced myself she's better off this way.
"Are you absolutely sure you want to do this Mr. Izumi?" a woman in thick glasses asked him.
Izzy simply nodded his head while he looked to his side at the far wall. "I just want what's best for her... I can't take care of her anymore... Not that I ever could provide much for her, but since her mother died there's no way I can..." Izzy stopped, as he started to sob into his hand.
The woman's heart went out to the young man sitting in front of her. In all her years at this job she'd seen a lot of people walk through those doors, most of them just deadbeats who didn't want to deal with, or couldn't handle their children anymore. A lot of them who would put on an act similar to Izzy's though they obviously weren't as emotional over the situation as they let on, but she could easily tell this young man was clearly heartbroken over having to give up his little girl. "You're doing the right thing Mr. Izumi. You have nothing to be ashamed of."
"Don't I?" Izzy asked unconvinced. "I promised her it would never come to this..."
The woman looked confused. "I obviously can't imagine what you two have been through, but I don't understand how you could've promised her anything like that. She's not even six years old yet sir, so I don't see how she would've..."
"I really don't want to talk about this Ma'am," he cut her off.
"I'm sorry. It's none of my business, I shouldn't have pried," she said, as she handed Izzy a stack of papers. "Now what I need you to do is sign a few things for me so we can make steps to make this all official."
Izzy frowned at the documents in his hand. "Are you sure there isn't any other way I can do this? I do hope that I can come back for her one day if I can get my life out of the gutter. There's got to be something I can do without waiving my legal rights to her completely isn't there?"
"There is, but it's very complicated," the woman started. "You told us before that you wanted the best life for your daughter that she could possibly have just in case you never did get your life on track didn't you? If we did it any other way it would seriously cripple her chances of that. It's hard enough to find a family willing to adopt a child her age without having to fear that she may get taken away from them after a while. Other than that all we could really do would be to ship her around in between foster homes until your ready to take her back."
Izzy's head dropped. "No... That may never happen. I don't want her to have to go through that... If you ever did find her a good home, and she's happy there I wouldn't get in the way."
"There is still a chance you could get her back," the woman tried to assure him. "We might not find a home for her, and you can still get her back. When the time comes you can always get your rights back to her through the courts."
"I'll keep that in mind," Izzy muttered, as he began signing papers like someone was behind him holding a gun to his head. "I don't want that though... I want her to be out of here as soon as possible... She deserves a lot better... If it does come to that I just hope she'll accept me if I ever do come back for her..."
By the time she finds I'm gone. I'll be a long, long way from home.
As she reads a note of things I couldn't say.
As Izzy forced his body out of the building, his daughter began to awaken inside. Instead of finding her farther there waiting for her, she found herself in a strange room with a couple of strange women she'd never seen before in her life. "What?... Where am I?... Who are you ladies?"
"It's okay honey, you don't have to be afraid," the first woman said. "I'm Yuki, and this Shannon. This is going to be your new home for a while so..."
"Home? This isn't my home! Where's my daddy?!"
"I'm sorry, but he had to go away for a while," the other woman said. "A nice lady will be back here to explain everything that's happening to you a little later, but right now..."
"Get away from me!" she whined, as she backed away from them on the bed, tears starting to roll down her eyes. "I don't know you! You're a liar! My daddy would never leave me alone, he promised! Where's my daddy?! I WANT MY DADDY!"
One of the women wrapped her arms around the crying child trying her best to sooth her. "Please calm down sweetheart, you have nothing to be afraid of. Your daddy didn't leave you alone. We're here after all."
"You're not daddy! Let me go!" she cried, and the women did as she was told.
"Maybe this will help," the other woman said, as she handed the girl a letter that was lying next to her pillow. "This is from your daddy."
The girl looked at the piece of paper in her hand through moist eyes, and then looked up at the woman who gave it to her. All they would be able to do for her was wait by the door, as she cried her eyes out through the rest of the night.
Because I don't want to see me leaving in her eyes.
Izzy walked back to his car slowly through the pouring rain, not even caring that he was getting drenched again. He remembered back to that day, and the promise that he had made her that was making it so hard for him to leave her there.
"Daddy," she started, looking up at her father like he could do no wrong. "Your not going to leave me too are you?"
"What do you mean by that honey?"
"I remember when mommy went to heaven how we both cried and cried. I felt so lonely, and I don't want to feel like that again. I love you daddy. I'm so afraid that you're going to leave me too, and I'll be all alone. I don't want to be alone. Please promise you won't leave me too."
And I can't stand to watch her watch me make her cry.
Izzy scooped his daughter up in his arms, and squeezed her tightly. "Don't you even think that! I can't promise what happened to mommy won't happen to me too someday, but I swear to you that despite what else may happen I'll never leave you sweetheart. I'd never do that to you. I'll always be here for you, and we'll always be a family. Don't you ever doubt that. I promise you I'll never leave you alone."
I don't know a right way I can do her wrong.
That was all Izzy could take as his tears started to flow freely mixing in with the rain pouring down on him. He laid his head down on the hood of his car, and let his hat slip off his head as he cried himself up a river. Apparently the angels in heaven felt his pain, as they seemed to be crying right along with him. He took one last look at the Child Services building, as a brilliant flash of lightning filled up the night sky behind him. Suddenly, some decent size chunks of hail came crashing down along with the rain. One piece of hail went crashing through the rear window of a car not to far down from Izzy's Nissan making a horrendous shattering sound. For all Izzy cared it might as well have been his heart.
I don't want to be here in the morning.
When she wakes up and finds me gone.
Somehow Izzy managed to pull himself behind the wheel of his car, and started her up. He drove away leaving the scattered remnants of his heart laying all over the parking lot of the Child Services building. He hadn't gotten far when he realized he couldn't see the nose in front of his face let alone the road. He couldn't tell if his vision was being blurred more from the rain and hail falling from the sky above, or the tears pouring down from his eyelids. Finally deciding the hell with it, he pulled off to the side of the road and parked it not caring who might come along or see him. He ignored the tornado bulletin that came over the radio thinking to himself that the damn thing could come and get him for all he cared. He pressed his forehead against the top of the wheel and cried, thinking about what he'd left behind and where his life was going to go from there.
Lord, I don't want to be here in the morning.
When she wakes up and finds me gone.
end.
Disclaimer: FYI, in case you didn't already know the original song is about a man and his lover, and not a father and his daughter. That's just something I came up with when I was listening to the song one day, and I thought that would make a great video for it. The lyrics were written in such a way where I could get away with it, and it's really not the first thing that comes to people's minds when they hear the song. The song was written by Tommy Barnes, and performed by Tim McGraw for Curb records. (Like any of them are ever gona see this, and sue me anyway!)