Picnic
Rei thought about what would happen to her poor Shinji-kun if she started the third impact. Then she thought of why she was created. Decisions, decisions.
"Uh...If you don't initiate the third impact...um...I'll....I'll go on a date with you." Shinji's sudden collateral stopped Rei right before she reached Adam.
"A date, huh? Well..." She rolled her eyes to Asuka as she thought this over. "Okay." She dropped her A.T. field and settled down into 01's palm.
"Hurry, Shinji! Kill her!" Yelled an enraged Asuka from the cage floor. She ran up to 01's foot and started punching it. "Hurry....up....and....kill...HER!" She let out a flurry of punches with each word. Shinji made 01 bend down and flick her away.
"How about tomorrow?" He asked nervously. Even submerged in LCL he was sweating profusely.
Rei nodded. "Pick me up at eight." And with that she disappeared into the depths of Dogma. Then Gendo ran in, holding the spare Rei over his back. "Don't worry I'm here!" He looked around. No one but a confused Ritsuko, an angry Second Child and unit-01. "Damn, I'm late again." he walked off to his office to sulk.
"What have I got myself into?" Shinji asked, remembering the 'dance'. then he felt along his back. "What's this? I have...some sort of...GROWTH!!!" Shinji leapt from the entry plug and ran over to Dr. Akagi. "Doctor! You have to help me! I think I overdid it with the LCL! I have a nasty little rash, or something."
Ritsuko looked along the teenager's back, then ran her hand up and down it. "Uh...Shinji? That's you're spine." Shinji looked as puzzled as could be. //When did I grow one of those? People will actually depend on me now.//
The mechanics came to look at unit-02. Asuka was right there, wrench handy in case they tried to scam her....or if that freaky little WonderGirl came back. Mostly the latter reason, but....
"Uh, here's your problem. Your alternate G-force deliberator is co-functioning with the I-beam suspension and it's off-balancing your rack and pinion steering." The boss said, wiping his hands on a rag and looking quite satisfied after emerging from the workings of 02. The satisfaction came from the jelly doughnut he had before arriving. //Hmmmm doughnuts....//
"What? For one thing Evas don't have suspension, and it doesn't use 'rack and pinion steering', secondly, there's a friggin' SPLINTER!!!! in it's foot!!!" Asuka said, cocking the wrench high above her head.
"Um....I'll go get the tweezers...." the grease monkey said as he backed off. he bent over to look in his tool box, and heard a 'DOONK!! OWWWW!!' come from his boss.
The door opened to Gendo's office. The commander didn't even look up or acknowledge his guest.
"What is it, Fuyuski? If it's the report from the GeoFront, then don't bother. I've already dealt with them." he said, irritated that his camping/Rei rescue operation had failed.
Shinji looked down and began to leave, when that annoying backbone of his piped up.
"Hey, you!" It said in a squeaky voice. Gendo looked up. He saw Shinji.
"I should have known. The unannounced visit, the whiny voice...."
The backbone wasn't having this. "Look, you old widower! I need a talk with you!" Gendo leaned back. That voice had sounded just like Gary Coleman.....
"I am not old. And I do not need to take this from you, Third."
Shinji raised his hand. "What you talkin' bout?" Shinji smiled weakly.
Gendo was a bit perturbed, but at the same time intrigued, why was his son acting so bold? "Do not make me call security."
"Ha! Like your lapdogs could take me." This made Gendo raise an eyebrow. Shinji couldn't take a drunken fly.
"Oh? How about if I call Misato and order her to 'remove' you ?" Gendo's voice took on a tone of challenge.
"Hey! Leave my lady friend out of this! This is between you and me, pops." Shinji looked around nervously, trying to avoid Gendo's glare.
"Then I will dispose of you myself." Gendo rose from his desk, casting a shadow over Shinji.
"Ooh, big bad Dad, gonna spank me?" The spine taunted.
Shinji could only shake his head and sweat. "N-no....It's not....." the spine cut in. "It's not your business to 'remove' me."
Gendo, tired of arguing with the little twerp sat back down and decided to listen. "Go on, pilot."
Shinji smiled meekly and stepped up to Gendo's huge desk. "Um...I was wondering...if you'd....If you would like.....to...go....uh....*gulp* If you would come with...me....to the...p-park....for a p-...pic...picnic?" A puddle began forming under Shinji.
Gendo frowned. Then he frowned some more. Then he frowned till his face couldn't frown anymore. After that he frowned a little bit more. Finally he said, "Are you asking me out on a date?"
"NO!!, I mean...Uh....Rei wants to go on a date with me to the park....but...I feel....strange around her....so I thought.."
"Thought that I'd waste me valuable time with you and the First on a silly date? No." Gendo shuffled some papers and awaited Shinji's departure.
Shinji felt a tingle in his back.... " This 'date', Sir, saved the world from the third impact. If you want to live to see tomorrow, you'd better make sure this date goes well!" Shinji gasped. Did he just say that?
//Did I just say that? //
"Did you just say that?" Gendo needed to be sure. He checked the security tape. Yep. He said it, it was right there. "This 'date', Sir, saved the world from the third impact. If you want to live to see tomorrow, you'd better make sure this date goes well!"
"Did I just say that?" Shinji asked the Gary Spine.
"Sure as hell did." It squeaked.
Gendo thought a second. His son was finally learning to be a man. Maybe this date was just what he needed. And it would prove to be seriously funny. As an added bonus he would get to be with Rei, even if she was psycho and demented. Plus he liked how the little Gary Spine operated.
"Come back when I call you. I will-"
"Come back when you call me?! What am I? A dog? I'll come when I good and damn well feel like it." That damn spine again.....Shinji shrunk under the rising form of Gendo.
"You'll come when I tell you to." Gendo furrowed his brow. "I'll have an answer from you then."
Shinji nodded and tried not to laugh. The furrowed brow always made Shinji giggle like a horny little school girl. He skipped down the corridors of the GeoFront and sang old Beetles songs.
Whoops....Ahem....
Shinji nodded and left the office. He walked around the massive building aimless, awaiting Gendo's answer.
It came, but not as Shinji expected it. He was pondering why his father would even begin to consider doing this, when he pondered himself right into Mokota. He looked up from the floor at the bridge bunny. Makoto simply handed him a folded piece of paper. Shinji snagged the note and scampered away.
"This must be Father's answer. Let's have a look see." Shinji unfolded the complex folds and finally, reached the actual writing. 'Dear Shinji.' /Whoa...he used my first name...// 'I have known you for quite some time, yet we were never too close.' //This is great!// 'So I have decided to go along on your date idea, on one condition.' //Condition? Figures//
Makoto sighed with relief. The gun that was being pointed at his head had been removed. He wouldn't have minded delivering the note if it had been an order, but that freaky child was very pushy, with the help of the gun, of course...
'I want you to kiss me.' Shinji recoiled in horror. Had that note actually said that? No...he must've imagined it. 'I want you to kiss me.' //AAAAAAA!! There it is again!// He continued, frightened. 'With that in mind you should also know that I love you very much....' //Well, that isn't too bad.// 'and wouldn't mind taking you into my bed.' Shinji threw the note down and puked all over it.
"Doctor."
"Commander."
Gendo took the time to push his glasses up and walked around his huge yacht-desk to stand in front of Ritsuko. She looked him straight in the eyes. They stared.
Asuka was tired of the mechanics. She resolved that they were just trying to get her to buy a Mercedes. So she killed them. She'd killed the first and second set when they tried to install a V8 engine in place of the umbilical cable. "Dompkoffs..." So she powered up 02 and stepped on them. Well, she stepped on the first one, the second jumped into a crater blown in the Eva cage floor, when she'd toasted the second set of fakes.
"Come outta there!!" She growled.
"No!" The mechanic said.
"I'll give you a cookie...." She taunted.
"No- A cookie? What kind?" The mechanic pooped his head up,
"Chocolate chip." Asuka grabbed a nearby giant mallet and took a swing. The mechanic neatly ducked.
"No, oatmeal." He raised his head again.
"Who eats oatmeal?" She took another swing
" I do." He ducked again.
Asuka was decided she was done talking. And when she was done talking, people die. "Take this!!!" She opened fire with her machine gun, blowing hundreds of holes in the floor. The mechanic popped his head out of one, hole then ducked as Asuka took a swing, and appeared in a different hole. The entire scene went like this.
WHACK!
Pop.
Duck.
WHACK!
Pop.
Duck.
WHACK!
Pop.
Duck.
WHACK!
Pop.
Duck.
By now the author was getting tired of typing pop-duck-whack over and over so he cut the scene to Gendo's office.
They stared. Then they stared some more. They stared a bit longer after that. And then when they where done, they stared a bit longer. Then the author gave the back of Gendo's head a good SMACK! causing him to blink.
"Damn."
"What did you need, Commander?" Ritsuko looked proud that she finally beat him. Gendo looked threatingly at the author. Then he continued. "Find the Third Child and tell him the answer is yes." Dr. Akagi shrugged and began to walk out....
Author: Hmmm cut seen back to Asuka...
"There, you're dead, if you didn't notice." She set down the mallet covered in mechanic goo and wiped 02 forehead. "After a long day at work I drink LCLorade." She held up the bottle for all to see.
Ritsuko was on her way to deliver the message, with a teensy tiny make-out fest with Gendo.... before she came upon Maya, who looked rather worried. "Yes, Maya?"
"Um.....Casper kinda......uh.." She began.
Ritsuko had a sinking feeling. "Did what?"
"Uh...Um...it...uh..."
"Just spit it out!" She yelled at the younger woman.
"It froze while I was playing Pac-man!!" Maya yelled.
//This is just great. Now I'll need to spend the entire afternoon working with Maya to fix it. Well, that isn't too bad//
Ikari stared at Ikari. The younger one seemed dehydrated due to water loss, he was sweating so bad. Rei sat on the picnic cloth laid on the ground and stared at both of them. "So who wants hotdogs?" She asked, making Shinji loose his nerve and topple forward. Gendo looked pleased. //Finally. A staring contest I can win!// he smiled.
"What's so funny, Commander?" Rei asked.
Gendo looked at the girl. He knew she should be...disposed of...but he couldn't bring himself to do it. The girl was so goshdarn cute.
"Nothing. I was merely contemplating the defeat of the last Angel." With that he did contemplate the defeat, and he smiled again. //Ahh, nothing better than making someone kill the one they love....//
Shinji thought his father looked rather silly sitting cross legged on the ground with his hands still laced together in front of his face. And the fact that he had about thirty guards and Eva-02 standing guard didn't help either.
Shinji remembered the list of rules that Gendo had given him. He remembered it like it was about three hours ago....
"Come in, Third Child." He had said.
"Oh, yes Father! Can we build a pine wood derby car and play ball?" Shinji had said.
"Hmmm. Okay." Then Gendo had come back to reality and listed the requirements for the 'date'.
Gendo opened the drawer next to the one with the end of the world button in it and took out a long scroll of parchment.
"Ahem. You will Not.
A) Bring any sort of weaponry to the 'date'
B) Make any poisonous food for me to intake.
C) Charge me with a mace.
D) Let ants consume my body.
E) Have any fun, whatsoever
F) Allow cats to eat of my pinkies.
G)Run ramped with a hot chocolate beverage.
H) Throw scissors at my trachea.
I) Use a bottle nosed dolphin as a bat to strike me.
J) Say 'Booga Booga oompy doompy doo da' to me or anyone else, for that matter.
K) Spill potato salad on my new uniform.
L) Kick me in the shins.
M) Bring Eva-01 along.
N) Try to sexually assault Rei.
O) Try to touch Rei.
P) Look at Rei.
Q) Think of touching Rei.
R) Think of looking at Rei.
S) Think of sexually assaulting Rei.
T) Recite any 'Red Neck' jokes.
U) Raise your hand and yell 'Teacher! Teacher!'
V) Dislodge you elbow joint and proceed to play the banjo backwards.
W) Play the banjo at all.
X) Bring a microwave with you.
Y) Attach cables to your back and 'fly like an eagle'
Z) Pick your nose in front of either me, or Rei.
Shinji sighed. He was sitting perfectly still doing nothing.
"Hey! Didn't I make it clear that I added the 'no sighing rule?"
But Gendo had take the liberty to create a 'Can do' list. It went like this.
A) You can breathe.
"Um, Shinji, aren't you going to do what that little note asked?" Rei said in a cutesy voice.
//How did she find the note? Why does she want me to kiss that old...person? Oh, well Here goes.....gulp//
Shinji leaned towards his father, despite leaning being on the 'Amended Rules Version 6.0-Can not Do' He started to sweat again, when about thirty guards aimed their guns at the attacker. Shinji leaned more.
"He's an assassin!" Gendo yelled and drew his 'Butter Knife of Doom' he shoved it up towards Shinji's throat, but Shinji's lips connecting square on Gendo's made him drop the weapon. Shinji gave his father a big 'ol sloppy French one.
"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!" Yelled about thirty guards and Asuka. Gendo looked horrified as did Shinji. Rei was outright laughing.
Continued........
*Authors note. Well there it is, the amazingly doped-up part four. It's just gooey. This is what happens when you spend an average of twelve hours a day watching Eva..........