*bursts into tears*
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Shi-chan: It's three a.m. Whoo-hoo. Writing time!
Duo: Sick, sick girl...
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Hate
By Shimegami-chan
AUTHOR'S NOTE: AU. And this part in particular is pretty rough, some cutting and suicidal thoughts in here. Pg-13 at least. Not part of a series, but part of a set. You can read the others if you desire, and they can be read in any order at all. See the links below. ^_^
:Insanity: :Clarity: :Grief: :Pride: :Memory: :Hate: :Silence: :Glass: :Love: :Failure: :Loneliness: :Despair: :Desire: :Forgiveness: :more to come:
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Now-customary shameless plugs.
'In Your Shoes,' Kenyako, chapter 5 updated on June 11.
'Sadness-Colored Sandglass,' Kensuke, chapter 12 updated on May 26.
Thanks minna-san! On with the fic!
I am the Angel of Light.
Or so he always told me.
I am caught forever in this physical body.
I am a bird trapped in a cage.
I am a girl without a future or Hope.
I wander the streets in the rain these days, staring at the sky and wishing I could just lose myself. I wish I'd catch my death of cold. I'd love to just end it all, but there's a reason why Taichi is the bearer of Courage and I'm not.
So why does it seem like I'm the one that has to be strong?
You left me alone, my life shattered before my very eyes. If I could kill myself to be with you, I would.
I hate you.
I hate every memory I have of you, every thought. And it's really unfortunate that you're all I think about.
Every night it's the same thing. I drag myself home from school, listening to Miyako's insistant chatter and Daisuke's disturbing silence. He hasn't been the same since Ken went into the institution, and when you died he just stopped talking altogether. He doesn't say much anymore, only when someone asks him a question does he open his mouth. The rest of the time he's staring off into space.
And that's nothing compared to my home.
I lock myself in my room till dinnertime, listening to music and the blood pounding in my ears. Anything to pass the time. Anything to stop me from thinking. Then, dinner. It's so quiet. Okaasan and Otousan don't even speak; they know I won't offer any conversation and Taichi never says a word. Twice the stress on my mind has fallen to him. He's lost even more than I; and it shows. His eyes are blank and dead. He doesn't go to school anymore, barely eats, never speaks. Koushirou visits sometimes, but neither of them ever have anything to say.
I can't stand to look at my brother anymore.
I do the only thing I can; run. Lock myself in my room. I have a small knife in my desk that I've been using to cut myself, shallow strokes just so I can watch the blood seep to the surface in a perfect line and spill down my wrist to the floor. I can never do it deep enough to drain all the blood away, but I welcome the pain and the blissful darkness it brings to the edges of my vision. Just for a moment, I forget about you and Taichi and Yamato and Ken and Daisuke, and all my problems.
Just for a moment.
Then I run from myself and my pain, wishing I had never done it, wishing I could do it more. If you ever saw me, you would hate me.
Wouldn't you?
You can't hate me. Because I hate you. It doesn't work both ways.
Taichi would disapprove. But Taichi is too caught up his own depression to ever notice. I feel for him, my Niichan. He's always been strong for me. And he has the courage to go on living, when I don't even have the courage to die.
Light and darkness.
Love and hate.
Do you hate me, Takeru?
I hate you.
I hate you for loving me.
I hate you for caring.
I hate you for dying.
You left me all alone.
And I hate myself for still loving you.
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Shi-chan: *shivers* These seem to be getting darker and darker...