Gendo Ikari, Macho man
"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!" Everyone yelled. Gendo stumbled backwards and shielded his mouth from his all-to-eager son.
"You! You! Weirdo!!" He screamed and backed up more. Shinji's spine wasn't having anything to do with this.
"Hey! You old pervert! Your note told me to!" Gary Coleman Spine fumed at the retreating old guy. Shinji was busy hacking and spitting all the saliva in his mouth out, so he didn't argue much.
"That's it, Shinji's going on a kissing spree! He's going to kiss everyone in Nerv! He's already kissed me!" The words left Asuka's mouth before she knew what she'd said. Everyone, including the people on the bridge who where taping this (for security reasons), had heard her. "Shit....."
Rei laughed and chuckled and giggled and snickered and cackled and rolled on the ground hooting about the misunderstanding. "Hey...*snicker*....Shin...*chuckle*...Shinji! I.....*snort* Sent the note!" She managed to get out between her laughing fits. "I...I guess....you....heh, heh, thought Gendo gave it to...y-you!" She guffawed.
Shinji quit puking for a second and looked at Rei, who was trying not to wet herself from laughter.
Misato was on the ground in minutes to the scene of the 'crime'. Shinji and Rei were sitting under a tree amongst the circling jets and helicopters and various ground support vehicles. Gendo was immediately airlifted out by Ritsuko for some 'intensive care'.
"You never did fulfill my request, Shinji-kun." Rei said, almost casually.
Shinji looked a bit worried for a second before Gary Coleman disguised as John Travolta took over.
"Look, babe. I'm all yours." Shinji found himself closing his eyes and putting his arms around Rei, without ever really wanting to. Before the Gary/Travolta Spine could French the poor clone chick, Rei leaned in and gave Shinji a quick peck on the cheek. Then she disappeared into the forest, waving her pixie wand and chanting about Link and Hyrule...oops, wrong fic. Then she hopped a chopper and flew into the sky.
"Shinji! You alright?" Misato yelled over the paramedics airlifting guards who had fainted from the sheer shock of....this.
"Um...I guess. I just wish she had signed it, the note." Shinji wiped at his mouth again.
Back in the great office of Gendo, the commander was plotting. He put on some wooden clogs and plodded around...No! I said plotting not plodding. Geeze, get it right. After quick fourteen bottles of scotch, Gendo rummaged around in a big foot locker and pulled out some garments and accessories. One looked suspiciously like a firearm......
"Got any threes?" Aoba asked.
Maya looked. "Nope. Go fish." Aoba shook his head as he pulled out a card.
"Got any threes?" Maya asked. Aoba looked puzzled for a second, but then remembered they were playing 'Go Fish' on Nerv's remaining two super computers. Casper was incapacitated with a big yellow face and mouth eating a ghost permanently glued on the screen. And the new they ordered from QVC wasn't here yet.
"Got any twos-" Aoba was cut off by Commander Ikari busting onto the bridge with a Mossberg folding stock combat shotgun and was dressed in a construction worker's outfit. The words Y-M-C-A were being repeated over and over for some reason.
"Ay!" He said, non to sober. " I mean ta have a word wit yas." Makoto walked in, after getting some coffee and a new manga. He stopped when his cup of coffee was blown through by dozens of rounds of buckshot.
"Damn....This cup was supposed to be lifetime guaranteed." He dropped the ruined mug and offered Gendo his manga.
"I ain't gonna read no GIRLIE! comic, BOY! I'm a man! I like girls!" And with that he went over to the only woman on the bridge and gave her a quick smooch. Maya pulled her service pistol and shot him-
"Hey! the bridge bunnies down carry side arms." Said a mysterious voice that sounded like Gary Coleman....
Author: Oh, right....Hmmmm, fix that real quick.
Maya pulled out her service bunny and dropped it down the front of Gendo's shirt, sending the Commander swaying and stumbling around the deck. He threw his hands up and yelled, "Great Google Moogle!" This would later be known as the Ikari Shuffle, but now it was just plain humorous.
Misato paced in front of the three pilots, outfitted in their plug suits. She had received word from Sub-Commander Fuyuski that the bridge was being held hostage.
"We have a hostage situation. Since I'm a drunk, Kaji's dead, the sub-commander is an old fart and we don't know where the commander is, we're sending you three in."
Asuka raised her hand. "Only if Shinji doesn't kiss me." She growled at Shinji.
"I doubt he would, seeing as you are consistently abusive to him." Rei said flatly. She resisted the urge to lace her hands in front of her face. Asuka still hadn't gotten used to Rei's newest personas, Gendo and Shinji. She had been around them the most lately and she was, at times, obnoxious and cruel, and other times meek and apologetic.
"Um....how are we going to do this?" Shinji asked. He somehow doubted that an Eva could do even get inside the bridge.
"I'm working on it!" Misato said. "You'll use the air ducts...again. Just carry these," She tossed them all wussy little .38s. "Use 'em to kill whoever the hostager...uh...the hostage taker...um. The bad guy." Misato said.
Shinji dropped his gun as it was thrown at him. It went off and a bullet whizzed by his head. Shinji then covered his crotch area and looked extremely relieved that the shot missed. Asuka caught hers, but looked at it like it was poo. Rei caught hers, but then in a moment of Shinjism, dropped it exactly as Shinji had. A second shot scorched by Shinji's pride and joy, sending him ducking to the floor.
"Sorry...." She said. Asuka sighed and muttered something in German. Shinji was surprised, she portrayed him fairly well.
Misato waved and retreated back into her office. Shinji thought that Misato should, at least, give them a better briefing. He knocked on the door. "Misato...uh. Who is the bad guy?" He heard the door lock. "Hey! Come out of there!" Misato was interrupted from her Yebisu by a whinny voice that sounded suspiciously like Gary Coleman.
"Go away!" She yelled. Shinji was tempted to kick down the door, but he still had a little bit of common sense. So he decided to go mess with Asuka. Common sense meter dropping.......
"We should go." Rei said nervously eyeing the office with the drunken major inside.
Asuka was about to say something like 'Come on!' or 'let's do this!' or 'Shinji's an idiot!' but Rei beat her to the punch. After she was done punching Shinji, Rei said, "Come on you idiot Shinji! Let's do this!"
To Shinji it seemed like all the previous personalities were showing through. But he let it go on the account of he wanted Rei to let go of his throat. They climbed into the air ducts and crawled, single file on their knees a few meters.
"Shinji! quit looking at my ass!" Asuka yelled. Shinji couldn't help it, it was right there in front of him. He felt a familiar tingling in his back.
"Well, it's so fine, I just couldn't resist." Gary said smugly. Asuka stopped suddenly, as did Shinji. Rei, who was busy thinking of how she should take control of the bridge once this amateur was done with, didn't notice and slammed right into the very, very surprised Shinji's butt.
"Mffa mffa Shji! Yr ass inma fce!!" Rei's muffled voice came from Shinji's rear. Shinji kinda smiled, then he noticed Asuka was staring at him, her finger tightening on her .38. He crawled forward some more, giving Rei some much deserved air.
"Break it down!" Aoba broke into a guitar solo, letting the P.A. system work as an amp. Makoto and Maya sat on the side watching Gendo get up and start the Macarena with Ritsuko. Maya tucked a dollar into Gendo's pants. They had the two super computers rig up some disco lights and with the help of a copy of 'Disco rooms and you' had made a colored checker board out of a Twister mat and some jelly beans.
Rei dropped to the floor, along with Asuka. Shinji was already of the ground when the two girls landed on him. Asuka ignored the muffled cries for help below her and looked to find out where they were. "Looks like the janitor's closet." She said.
"Hmmm, if the janitorial closet, then the bridge should be to the left, twenty paces." Rei said, rubbing her chin and thinking. "Um....so we should go back into the vent and look for the bridge." She said, awaiting someone to call her an idiot.
"Hey, I was going to say that." Shinji said. He looked in a bucket marked 'Dr. Akagi's stuff'. Shinji looked in it and yelled. "Gross!" Asuka pushed him out of the way. She took a look herself and blushed.
"That was......odd." She said. Rei raised an eyebrow and looked in the bucket herself. She picked up one of the contents. It was long and rounded and made Rei extremely uncomfortable. "Hmm. Must be Ritsuko's teaching aids. The closet door opened and Maya looked at the three surprised children.
"Lieutenant Ibuki! Did I give you permission to leave the bridge?" Rei said from the darkness, doing her best 'Gendo' impression. Maya stared hard into the darkness.
"Um.....Yes? I just needed to get sempai's 'aids' and some Mr. Pibb." She held out a can of the primordial carbonated beverage. "And weren't you and Aoba playing Metallica?"
Rei Shrugged and handed Maya the bucket of 'stuff' and said, "Well, Lieutenant. I just needed to be alone for a second." Asuka sniggered and elbowed Shinji in the stomach. Shinji yelped. " Owwww! That hurt!"
Maya blinked. "Oh, sorry, Commander. I didn't know your son was in here too." She quickly shut the door and left.
"Well, that can only mean one thing." Rei aid, still in Gendo mode "That whoever is holding the bridge hostage likes Metallica?" She answered herself. "No! You dompkoff! That whoever is holding the bridge hostage is allowing them to leave!" She insulted herself.
"Uh...Rei? You can stop now..." Shinji stopped when Rei turned around, wearing some tinted glasses she had found. "You! Pilot. Do as you're ordered." To Asuka she said, "Increase the LCL pressure, knock him out."
Asuka was finding Rei more and more annoying, even if she did a good job of insulting herself, she was still getting on Asuka's nerves.
Makoto strung some jalapeno lights from the ceiling. He always got stuck doing everything while everyone else partied. " Why am I stuck doing all the work while everyone parties?" Then Maya returned with Ritsuko's 'aids' and the two of them scuttled away to the darkest corner of the room, which was exactly where Makoto was stringing lights.
"Shinji, where are we?" Asuka asked. Shinji didn't know so he shrugged and continued crawling.
Rei needed an answer, however. It was vital to the success of the mission. "Pilot! Status report!" She commanded, and ran into the wall. It was hard to see with her tinted glasses. Asuka turned to face her and laughed. The wall gave way and Rei tumbled into a long vertical shaft. Before falling she grabbed hold of the closest thing to her, which was Asuka's brea-.....Asuka.
"Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!" She yelled as she was pulled downward. In a desperate move she pulled a Rei and grabbed the nearest thing to her. Which was Shinji's pe-.......Shinji. Before he knew it something was a hold of him, and Shinji flailed around as he fell downward with the two girls.
"Hey! Commander-mander!" Yelled Aoba, who was finding that the Magi had internet access. "C'mere an' look at this!" Gendo stumbled over and looked at the image on the screen. His head turned bright red and started spinning around....whoops...that's not right. Gendo looked at the image on the screen. "Print it out." He said. So the Magi printed out a billboard sized picture of Minmay wearing little to nothing. No, make that nothing at all.(The author smiles naughtily) Gendo picked it up and hung it from the bridge.
An air duct exploded open and three forms landed with a plop on the ground at Gendo's feet. Gendo looked over the dirt incrusted children and offered them some Samuel Adams.
"Drop and surrender your weapons!!" Rei shouted as her Asuka mode took over. Suddenly Shinji's spine tapped into some testosterone and Shinji waved his gun around too. Asuka was flat out unconscious, so she stayed relatively quiet, with the possible exception of the incoherent mumblings.....
From the dark corner came some ungodly moaning. Then the words 'Sempai' repeated over and over. Shinji's spine took in some more hormones and Shinji's face sprouted with a full beard. Then his voice deepened an raised as he tried to say " What's going on over there?". Makoto turned on the jalapeno lights to show Maya against the wall, with Ritsuko in front of her.
"Ritsuko-chan?" Asked Gendo. Ritsuko looked innocently at everyone. "What're you doing?"
Maya realized for the first time that everyone was watching them. "Um....we where..." Ritsuko spoke up. "I was showing her some self-defense moves, in case someone tries to.......fondle her." Maya giggled at the word fondle. Everyone was so caught up in Ritsuko's lesson that they almost missed Rei going insane.
"You people are perverts!" She yelled Asuka style. "When Captain Katsuragi hears about this, you guys ar in trouble." Then she looked at Shinji. "Sempai, what should we do?" Shinji shrugged and tried to repress his spine's idea of what to do. Rei glared at Gendo. "You, Commander, you should set an example for the people you outrank." She picked up her gun and fired a few shots into the air. "Alright everyone, break it up! I'll need to have a word with these two." Then she looked over to a computer terminal. "The Angel! it's here!" "What do the Magi say?" "Pilot! What are you doing standing around? You were given orders to shoot the enemy!" "I-I'm...sorry..."
Rei's head began to spin around (for real this time) and smoke began pouring out of her collar. Shinji looked on kinda afraid through his thick beard and watched as Rei's head exploded. When the dust cleared a small, poodle sized pink thing stood where Rei once was. "It's an Angel! It's here!" Aoba shouted. the Angel puffed up and began to grunt, an A.T. field spreading.
"Uh...I think it's going to kill us." Shinji guessed. He wanted to care about dying, but the recent addition of testosterone was making him think of all the women currently on the bridge. He noted that Maya and Ritsuko were not working on self-defense methods. //Big surprise there.//
The Angel puffed up a bit more, as if it were about to explode. Then with a rush of escaping gases, took a huge crap right on the deck. Then it keeled over and died. "Uh.....which Angel was that?" Ritsuko asked, zipping up her shirt.
"Let's see.....according to Harry Potter's guide to magical creature and Angels....this is Flagellants, the Angel of bad gas." Makoto said, holding up a book.
The door opened and Kozo entered, Rei at his side. "What's going on here? Why is the Commander in that ridiculous outfit?" He demanded. Everyone just stared. "It's a long story." Shinji said, although he was sure the sub-commander was there for at least half of it.
"Where were you? Asked Ritsuko.
Rei answered. "We went bowling." That seemed like a good enough answer because everyone went "Ohhhhhhhh" and nodded knowingly.
"So what now?" Asked Misato. She had appeared right behind Shinji, near the cocktail bar, sometime before hand. No one was really sure. This day had been so messed up that no one really wanted to sober up and remember it. So by mutual telepathy, they agreed to string Asuka up and use her as a piñata. They laughter and German swearing continued far into the magical hours known as 'wee' and by morning everyone was too wasted to come to work.