A/N: Sorry I'm so late with the update, the play I'm in is nearing production week and I'm in the final stages of becoming an Eagle Scout and I'm pretty busy. I'll try to write the next installment sooner. Just to answer everyone who asked in their reviews, I'm not going to say whether this story will have an H/R or an H/H slant. All I'll say is that I'm going to make it closest to the 'ship that I see in the cannon and let my twisted mind turn Hogwarts upside down. Anyway, relationships don't matter that much, this story is supposed to be funny and that is what I'll strive for, and if I have to use relationships to make it funny then I will. As a side note, I want to give my sister co-author credit, not only for convincing me to write this, but sitting through it all with me so I don't start playing Jedi Knight. Oh, and she has some pretty good ideas too.
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Harry's jaw dropped. "What the HELL are you doing?"
"Oh, hi guys," Ron called. "Come on! Sit down!"
Harry and Hermione didn't move. They were too shocked--well, Harry was shocked, Hermione was livid. This is because Ron had a girl sitting on each of his knees feeding him breakfast.
"What are you doing?" Hermione gasped, her new freckles fading as her face turned red.
"I'm eating breakfast! Jeez, what does it look like? Oh, could you get me some scrambled eggs?" he asked the girl on his left.
"Oh anything you want my liddle Harry-Warry," the girl simpered.
"You call this eating breakfast! Having these...these tarts feed you!"
"Yeff," Ron replied around a mouthful of eggs.
"You tell him Harry," the girl on his right said, nibbling Ron's ear. "He's just jealous."
"THAT'S IT!" Hermione yelled, as she grabbed Ron's other ear. "Come with me right now. You too, umm, Hermione." While she was doing this she pushed the two girls off Ron's lap and yanked him to his feet.
"OWWW! What did I do?"
"Come on, Harry!"
"But I'm not done eating."
"You are now."
Hermione kept pulling on Ron's ear until she finally reached the hallway outside the Hall. Harry followed behind in a daze.
"What is all this about?" Ron huffed.
"It's about you using Harry's body to get a few giggles."
"Well, as you said to me earlier, it's my body now and I happen to like it. Besides, Harry doesn't seem to mind."
"That's cause he's still in shock."
"Naw, he's just upset he never thought of doing that before."
While they were bickering back and forth, Harry was staring straight ahead; the only thought running through his mind was what Ron had done in his body and the humiliation at the hands of the Slytherins that he would have to face when he was back to being himself again. He started breathing faster and faster, he could feel his heart pounding in his chest.
"Harry? Are you all right?"
"He doesn't look too good."
Harry tried to wave them away but his arms felt like lead, they crashed to his sides and he collapsed on the ground. When he woke up he heard the strict voice of Madam Pomfrey echoing from somewhere to his right.
"I know you brought her here, but you can't see her. This is a hospital wing, not a zoo. Now get out, or I'll have Professor McGonagall throw you out when she gets here."
"But what about Hermione?"
"Is she all right?"
Despite the protests, Harry knew they were leaving as their voices faded away. He heard the door slam shut, and footsteps coming down the hall.
"Ahh, awake, Ms. Granger? How are we feeling?"
"Aside from trolls playing the bongos in my head I'm fine, thanks."
Harry started to sit up when he felt a hand on his chest.
"You can't go just yet, I still don't know what happened and Professor McGonagall wants to talk to you."
"It's all right, Poppy, I'm sure she can sit up."
Oh, Minerva, I didn't hear you come in."
Madame Pomfrey went behind the curtain and started to straighten up her supply cabinet while Professor McGonagall pulled a chair up to the side of Harry's bed.
"Well, Ms. Granger, what happened?"
"I don't know, Professor. I was standing outside the Great Hall and it felt like I couldn't breathe, my head was spinning, stuff like that."
"Was Mr. Weasley there?'
"Yes..."
"I knew it!" she interrupted. "I warned you, Hermione, that Weasley boy is nothing but trouble."
Harry could only stare openmouthed at her: she had called him Hermione, not Ms. Granger, and it seemed that she and Hermione had talked about stuff like this before.
Damage control! Come on, Harry, think! Damage control! Harry's mind raced.
"Actually, Professor, it was what was going on the Great Hall that upset me."
"You mean Mr. Potter? With those girls? That upset you? Well, Hermione, when I told you forget about that boy I didn't think that you'd fall in love with Potter. You have to remember that he's famous, and you have to consider that he might be mentally damaged."
"Mentally damaged?" Harry interrupted sharply.
"Well, you know, he probably has post traumatic stress syndrome. I don't care who you are; you can't face You-Know-Who that many times without something snapping. It's not his fault really, and I truly think he would have cracked by now if you and that boy weren't kind enough to spend time with him." She gently patted Harry on the shoulder.
"Cracked?" Harry squeaked.
"Well, yes. It's truly a miracle he hasn't gone off the deep end. Actually, I'm surprised to learn you like Mr. Potter. I mean, all the posters around the school would make one think otherwise."
"Posters?!"
"Oh, dear! You haven't seen them yet! The Weasley twins put them up," Professor McGonagall said as she took a piece of paper out of her pocket. "They're all over the school. And don't worry, they already have two weeks detention."
She unfolded the paper and handed it to Harry. He was almost afraid to look at it, but he couldn't resist. It was like an accident on the side of the road; he just had to look, no matter how bad it might be. On the middle of the paper was a moving picture of Hermione and Ron KISSING, and a underneath was flowing pink script.
HEAR YEA HEAR YEA
We of the House of Weasley would like to cordially welcome
Ms. Hermione Granger to our family, and congratulate our
Brother Ronald who has exceeded all of our expectations by
Scoring with a major BABE.
P.S. Angelina, George wrote that last bit.
"Oh, Hermione, I thought you were over him. Please don't cry, I did punish them"
Harry didn't say a word; all he could think of was Ron's reaction to these posters and the probable bloody nose he would be getting soon.
"Anyway, Ms. Granger, I have to be going and you have Potions now if I remember correctly." She stood up and walked to the door, and turned when she touched the handle. "Oh, I almost forgot. I wanted to tell you we're having another ball this year; the last one was such a success. I wanted to tell you early so you could straighten out which of those two you wanted to go with." And with that, she left.
Even though his head was spinning, this time with information, Harry managed to get out of the bed, throw the poster in the trash, and get out the door. About ten minutes later Harry was heading to Potions with his books and a much clearer head when he spotted Ron standing on the stairs waiting for him.
"There you are," Ron called. "You've got a lot of explaining to do."
"What do you mean I have to explain!"
"Look at this picture" Ron hissed as he pulled out one of Fred and George's posters.
"Yeah, I've seen it and I want to know when you've ever kissed Hermione like that!"
"He hasn't." Hermione said as she came up behind them.
"Exactly! Which makes me wonder, Harry, what you're doing kissing my body like that! I know we're friends but..."
"Ah! I've seen you found our work." George said.
"I told you people would like it." Fred nudged George. "By the way, we're sorry if we were inaccurate. We had to take a few minor creative liberties."
"You call this MINOR!" Ron yelled waving the picture at them.
"Jeez, Harry, we didn't think you'd get upset," George said. "It was just a little harmless fun."
"Yeah, we figured that since you two were so boring when people are around you must be real wildcats when you're alone. I mean, we couldn't just put pictures of you guys reading together in the library."
"You didn't have to do this at all!" cried Hermione.
"Look, we didn't think you'd take it that badly, Ron. We just wanted to welcome you into the Weasley Fold."
"I can't believe you two! This time you've gone too far! I swear I'm going to kill you!" Ron leaped at Fred and George, luckily Hermione and Harry grabbed him before he could do anything.
"God, Harry, we didn't think you'd take it this seriously...." George stopped and his face lit up. "We didn't think you like Hermione too."
"Yeah, Harry, we're really sorry. We just wanted to get at Ron. It never occurred to us," at this point Fred raised his voice so everyone in the hall could hear, "THAT YOU THREE HAVE A LOVE TRIANGLE GOING ON HERE. Oops look at the time, got to get to class," Fred said in a normal voice. "See you later," and with that they vanished faster than most wizards could disapparate.
"Calm down, Ron."
"Yeah, Harry's right. They were just having fun."
"I swear to God I'm going to kill those two."
"Well if we don't hurry up, Snape will kill you first. Come on."
The three of them hurried through the halls and down the stairs until they finally reached the dank and musty corridor outside the Potions dungeon. Ron opened the door and they entered the room. The students were already at their tables and Snape looked up with a sneer.
"Oh, and I thought it was going to be a good day. Humph, ten points from Gryffindor for tardiness."
"But we didn't miss any class!" Harry protested.
"Ms. Granger. I am shocked. I think being with these ruffians has had an adverse affect on your manners. Another ten points from Gryffindor for insubordination and I think that you should not work with your friends today. Ms. Bulstrode, why don't you partner with Ms. Granger," he said, with a hint of a smile floating about his lips.
Draco saw Hermione open her mouth, but Ron smacked her in the back of the head before she could speak. Draco was a naturally observant person; you can't spot people's flaws if you aren't and Draco could spot flaws like nobody's business. It was a gift, kind of like his charm and dashing good looks, or at least that's how he thought of it. In his opinion he even made a sexy ferret. Now, normally watching people get hit was one of Draco's favorite pastimes, and the fact that it was that uppity mudblood goody-goody made it twice as satisfying, but it was odd that the muggle lover Weasley would be the one to hit her. Actually, Draco wasn't the only one who was surprised; Dean and Seamus were both glaring at Ron. "Ah, dissent among the Gryffindors is always fun," he thought. "Maybe I can get the Daily Prophet to run a story about it."
As these deliciously evil thoughts were frolicking through the twisted landscape of his mind, Draco was jerked suddenly back to reality. Hermione and Ron were walking past him to their seats and he heard Ron whisper to her, "You can't mouth off like that, Harry! You'll ruin my grade point average!"
"Thank God for the Gryffindor lack of subtlety," he whispered to Crabbe and Goyle who were sitting behind him. "I guess they found the mirror on their own. I'll have to tell my father to step up the Dark Lord's plans."