A/N: First I want to apologize for this being a few months late. I got caught up in a few things (I joined a band, graduated, and became an eagle scout) Since it's so late, I'm going to give you the chapter before my sister even proofreads it just so it's a little bit earlier. (I know it's not much but it's all I can do really) Just so you know, this chapter is really random. I had the idea for this late one night, and thought it would be fun to do. So I decided to try to work it in. Wish me luck. Many characters in this story were made by J.K. Rowling. I would also like to thank Bill Waterson for helping me run this meeting (Calvin fans will understand), and apologize to Hermione for totally twisting her annoying and righteous cause. So without further ado in the immortal words of Monty Python's Flying Circus, "And now for something completely different."
Chapter Six: His Bark Is Worse Than His Bite
But why did the scar hurt, Ron wondered. What is going on.
Ron should have remembered that the lightning bolt scar usually hurt when Voldemort was active, and today he certainly was.
Far away from Hogwarts, deep underneath the city of London, yes even deeper than Gringott's vaults was a torch lit room. There were four rectangular tables in this room forming a square, the largest table had an actual throne in the center position.
Into this room flowed some of the most evil and despicable wizards of the decade. Thorogood the destroyer, Simeon the despicable, Imhotep the immortal, and even George Bush. (you didn't think someone like him could become president without some sort of black magic) As they entered the room, their robes flowing around them the sounds of their voices could be heard, deep and menacing.
"You know Gridwell my wife is having that get together next Friday and she'd love it if you're wife could make it."
"So the bowling tournament has been moved to Wednesday?"
"I got a new barbecue last week, and I'm having a party in two weeks, bring the whole family, it'll be a hoot."
The evil made flesh that entered that room flowed about the tables, each one taking their assigned seat. All but two. These two stayed standing near the door, the taller one leaning over to whisper to the other.
"Well Draco, I'm very pleased you managed to get here, are you sure nobody knows you're gone. I will not clean up any of your mistakes"
"Everyone thinks I'm lying sick in my room father. Nobody has any idea where I am."
"Good. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to announce you to the rest of the assembly."
Lucius Malfoy's dark form slowly and sinuously straightened up to it's full height, his voice filled the room, "As prescribed by the rules of our Dictator for Life, I would like to introduce this candidate, Draco Malfoy, to this assembly that he may join. I speak for him, and for his right to be here. Bring forth the rules so that he may learn the proper way to respect our Dictator for Life and follow his example.."
"You know the rules Lucius, there is more to it than just speaking for the boy." one of the wizards said.
A short bespectacled wizard stood up, "Yes, according to the regulations passed down at the last meeting a wizard who wants to join must answer three questions."
"He is my son and above answering those silly questions!" Lucius exclaimed. "He is a Malfoy, his reputation is so dark you should be begging him to be here!"
"Lucius, don't yell, it upsets the Dictator and we don't want to upset him. He cries too much." One of the wizards piped up.
"He cries?" Malfoy said incredulously.
"BOB! You aren't supposed to tell people that," one of the other wizards admonished. "It's against the rules and you know..."
"Anyway," the bespectacled wizard interrupted trying to regain control. "Back to the questions."
"He does not have to answer any questions!" Lucius protested.
"Anyone who wants to join S.P.E.W. and wear the badge MUST answer the questions. The Dictator for Life said so!"
"Hold on a minute!" Draco exclaimed, "This is a chapter a S.P.E.W.!" disgust and shock warring for control of his face. Disgust was winning. "I will have you know I did not join S.P.E.W. when that stupid mudblood git Granger asked me to, and I WILL NOT do it now."
"What in the nine hells are you talking about boy" Lucius glared at his son. "You are embarrasing me in front my colleagues. You will join S.P.E.W. I will NOT be disobeyed."
"Look I told Granger I would NEVER join S.P.E.W. and I actually intended to keep that promise!"
"Were you hit on the head boy! S.P.E.W. is the Society for the Propagation of Evil Wizardry, founded by our most glorious Dictator for Life Lord Voldemort.'
"You mean this isn't the Society for the Protection of Elvish Welfare?" Draco asked sheepishly.
Everyone just stared blankly at him
"I think I'll answer those questions." Draco said hastily
"Very well!" The bespectacled wizard said. "The first question, What is you Name!"
"Draco Horatio Malfoy"
"What is your quest!"
"To report to the Dark Lord, and uhh, join S.P.E.W?"
"What is the Capitol of Assyria!"
"It's first capitol was Ashur, the later Nineveh, god everyone knows that."
"Well you passed. Here's your Rulebook, and your S.P.E.W. badge the dues are two sickles a year, and the meetings are every third Saturday."
"Ookay"
Draco was handed a badge and a pocket sized book, and Lucius pointed him to a seat against the wall. Lucius sat in the chair in front of Draco's. He shifted his chair backwards close enough to whisper to his son without being obvious. "Look boy, this is the first time you'll meet our Dictator for Life and I don't want you embarrassing me. Remember what happened to you older brothers when they embarrassed me."
"I don't have any brothers."
"You're right, you don't have any anymore do you." Lucius smiled maliciously, "The meeting starts in a few minutes and if you don't want to embarrass me I suggest you read as much of that rulebook as possible." With that Lucius picked up the badge on the table in front of him and pinned it to his robes.
Draco followed his father's example, pinning the badge over his heart, and proceeded to open the rulebook.
Rule 1 Voldemort is always right.
Rule 2 Always follow Rule 1.
Rule 3 Never say the name of He Who Must Not Be Named.
God, this is like some tree house club Draco thought as he disdainfully closed the book. Listen to Voldemort he laughed to himself, of course he'd listen to Voldemort. Voldemort was the most powerful wizard, EVER. Well, except for Dumbledore, but that was really just a minor detail. And what was this he who must not be named bunk. I guess I just won't call him Voldemort. It shouldn't be too hard.
The boom of a gong startled Draco out of his reverie, he looked up in time to see Voldemort sweep out of a secret door behind the throne and swing shut again. All the magicians in the room leapt to their feet, and Draco hurriedly followed suit.
The dark lord stopped next to the throne and pronounced, "Hear yea hear yea, This meeting of S.P.E.W. will come to order, Dictator for Life and Potentate of all he surveys, Lord Voldemort Presiding. All will be seated." After he was finished he sat slowly on his throne, and everyone else sat in their chairs. Voldemort continued speaking, "Chief Scribe, please take the roll call. Gladly. Thank You."
As Voldemort started calling names off the list, Draco leaned forward and whispered to his father, "Why is he doing the roll call? Is the chief scribe out sick or something?"
"Well boy, it is a carefully kept secret that the Dark One suffers from a minor inferiority complex so occupies every position on the S.P.E.W. executive board. We think it comes from being beaten by that pimply scab of a runt you go to school with."
"He's got an inferiority complex because of Potter!" Draco squeaked in surprise.
Since everyone was silent the words echoed throughout the room. There was complete silence for about ten seconds, and then Voldemort screamed, "HE SAID THAT NAME!!" and started crying like a two year old.
Lucius quickly spun around in his chair and smacked Draco in the back of the head. "DIDN'T YOU READ RULE NUMBER THREE YOU DOLT!" he hissed
"POTTER IS HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED??"
"AHHH HE SAID IT AGAIN!" Vodemort screamed as a fresh avalanche of sobs wracked his body.
Three wizards were already close to Voldemort, patting him on the back, and Draco could have sworn he heard one of them use the words "bitsy pookums."
"Draco Malfoy, there are rules and regulations that must be followed here," the bespectacled wizard intoned, "for breaking Rule Number Three, you must be punished accordingly."
"But but, I didn't know Potter was he who must not be named." Another scream echoed from the other side of the room, and Draco caught a glimpse of a bedraggled teddy bear being handed to Voldemort who clutched it to his chest with one hand, the thumb of the other hand was sucked on by his evil snake like slit of a mouth.
"STOP SAYING THAT NAME!" Lucius yelled as he hit his son in the head for the second time.
"Ok, ok I'm sorry I won't say you know who's name again." Draco said as he rubbing his head.
"That's a start," the bespectacled wizard told him, "now you must be punished."
"But I didn't know!"
"Ignorance is no excuse, and I should warn you, the longer you argue with me, the worse the punishment will be."
"Fine," Draco sighed, "what do I have to do?"
"First you have to apologize, not a mamby pamby yeah right fine apologies, a real heartfelt loving and caring apology. That is the first step to recovery and a healthy communicative relationship between you and your Dark Lord." He said serenely
"You're right, I was callous, and I will apologize" Draco said. "I can't believe I have to apologize to this sniveling milksop of a wizard" was what he thought. Draco made his way across the floor wracking his brain for what to say. When he reached the throne Voldemort had recovered some of his dignity, that is to say, he had stopped sucking his thumb. The bedraggled one-eyed teddy bear however, was painfully apparent. Draco knelt on both knees so he was at eye level with Voldemort took a deep breath, and lied like had never lied before. "Oh Great Dictator for Life, I am humbly and truly sorry for causing you such distress, if it were in my power to take back the words I said I would, but I cannot, and so can only offer you my most sincere apologies."
Voldemort stared at him like a hurt child, his lower lip quivering, looking like he was about to start crying any second. "Do you mean it?" he asked softly.
"Of course I do great one." Draco said with his most sincere smile.
"Ok. I accept your apology." Voldemort sniffed.
"Very good." The bespectacled wizard said, "that was very very well done. Now for the second part of your punishment."
"What's that?" As Draco said those words, the bespectacled wizard pointed his wand at Draco and said "Morpheus Ferritus."
"OH CRAP!" Draco not that anyone could understand him, since he was speaking ferret. It was then he felt himself leave the ground. He was being bounced. God, this is humiliating he thought.
**********TEN MINUTES LATER**********
Draco rubbed the back of his head, his human head as he sat back in his chair and Voldemort started the roll call again. "God that hurt." He muttered to himself. He then asked his father why he was turned into a bouncing ferret.
Luscius leaned back and whispered to his son "You see the Dicatator for Life happens to like ferrets, and bouncing ferrets are well, hilarious, it's the best way to cheer him up."
"That explains a lot." Draco said sincerely. Well, the his father thought he was sincere anyway. It was all he could do to keep from sneering at them. And it was obvious that Voldemort was happy again, after about six minutes of Draco's performance he started clapping in time to the bouncing and smiling his fool head off.
It was then that Draco noticed Voldemort had finished the roll call and had asked about any new business that was to be brought before the society, and that anyone with such business should please stand.
"I have new business." Draco said standing up.
"Oh you do eh?" Voldemort said trying to talk down to Draco. He didn't quite manage it however as he started chewing on the teddy bear's ear after speaking.
"Yes I do. I attend Hogwarts, and have learned the Har errr, He Who Must Not Be Named, Hermione Granger, and Ron Weasly have all looked into the switching mirror."
"They what!" said one wizard half standing.
One quick glare from Voldemort made him sit back down quickly. "Are you sure of this?"
"Yes my lord I heard them speaking to each other and..."
"Excelent" Voldemort said interrupting him. "This puts us at least two weeks ahead of schedule, doesn't it Bitsy Pookums. Yess, this is excelent."